Last night Petterino's - sat with new friends Judy and Bernie whom I adore. We three sang well, Judy managed even though the pianist put her in the wrong key. She's a pro so she knew what she had to do to get through it even though it wasn't optimal. I sang Losing My Mind a really wrenching, slit your wrists song by Stephen Sondheim. I'm OK singing it these days - for a while when I sang it to friends, it raised hackles because it was too close to the truth. One friend begged me not to sing it any more, fearing, I think, that it would be self fulfilling. But these days, I'm less losing my mind.
So, Habits (that's going to be my shorthand versus the full title, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.) I finished the book early this morning over a cup of coffee on this gray and rainy morning. I didn't want it to end so I lingered over the last pages. When I finally closed it, I said, "OK, then." This is a demarcation point for me. You know the expression, "Game On"? - well here's a new one "Life On".
I've decided not to talk too much about my relationship with this book. I will mention things from time to time when I think there is value, but I'm cognizant that I could get obnoxiously preachy and my pontificating could be a huge turn off. There is nothing worse then a reformed whore!
Having said that, what's on my mind today is the concept that private victories have to precede public victories. - "that making and keeping promises to ourselves precedes making and keeping promises to others. It is futile to put personality ahead of character, to try to improve relationships with others before improving ourselves." This last year I fell apart on just about every front. It started with the end of my consuming project, falling in love with Patrick, taking over the finances and realizing just how much had to be done, struggling to be a good mother in the face of really scary behaviors, lots of losses.
I flailed and railed and grasped at others for an end to the confusion and pain. It's OK to need the support of people but it's not OK to expect people to take care of you in the absence of you taking care of yourself. That is what I've been doing. And maybe, in looking back, the disintegration had a purpose if I can come out the other end of it. For so many years I held the "house" up by sheer force of will and personality. Notice I didn't say mortar - there was little mortar. When strong winds blew, my magic failed and things were revealed to be what they were. Kaveh says it's good.....he credits me with taking the house down to the studs. By letting chips fall where they will, without my usual darting around and propping things up, by just being passive, it forced change, required other people to step in and contribute.
OK, so now I'm sounding noble. If I DID take things down to the studs this last year it was by attrition, not by planned design. I would be lying to say I didn't hope for a knight on a white horse to swoop in and fix everything. And there have been some white knight moments in the past year - people who made a space in their lives and hearts to help me. I especially remember Liza forcing me to get up early each morning and walk with her along the lakefront. It meant she had to give up her own exercise - she never complained. Soon I was an independent walker. My accountant has been so much more than an accountant, worrying about me, counseling me, being a friend. I have leaned on her too heavily. This is not the Oscars - I am not going to itemize every person who I've leaned on this last year - there have been so many. You know who you are and you know I appreciate you.
The first three habits are the things we do to achieve independence and mastery over ourselves. Without independence the really big stuff eludes us: success, good relationships, the life lived well. You can't be sloppy with self care and expect to have any currency in the world. So it comes down to habits. I like these two quotes:
We are what we repeatedly do.
Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit. - Aristotle
Our character, basically, is a composite of our habits. "Sow a thought, reap an action; sow an action, reap a habit; sow a habit, reap a character; sow a character, reap a destinyI've talked a lot about habits and willpower in this blog - a subject I'm passionate about but really hit or miss about. I think I've approached this subject from the wrong angle. Lately as I do my daily strivings, I'm framing my actions with a clearer lens. I realize the contracts I make with myself are the most important - that to play fast and loose with those commitments is to be corrupt, broken - worthless to myself and to others. It's being a vessel with huge cracks, a ship with holes in the hull.
Self mastery and independence - that's where it all begins. I will start with the Habits workbook and take on the first assignment which is to write my own mission statement. What an amazing thing that will be - to cut through the crap and identify my own core values that align correctly with immutable high level human principles. Like the book says, I will put on paper words to live by that I can then use to "align my behavior with my beliefs".
The challenge today is to not get frustrated with Sarah's new-found enthusiasm and to keep reading. I know I'm like a kid in the candy store. I don't expect you to drop what you're doing and go on this journey with me. In all fairness many of you are well down the road already and all I'm doing is catching up. But if you are having an existential crisis, consider getting the book and getting word to me so that we can support each other.
Peace,
Sarah
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