Missed writing this for four days...day after Christmas. This morning found me cleaning...amazing how many dishes got used for what really was a simple brunch. Cooked for eight: two of the girls (Elizabeth is in California), tenant Mario and his friend, Liza, James and Adrienne. This morning I lay in bed and asked myself the question I always do: "What was good about yesterday?" Good to frame life that way, right? Finding the good to pluck from a mixed-bag day? Here goes:
- It's over....ha! ha! (but only kidding a little!)
- Somehow I managed to pull it together - the whole Christmas thing despite the fact that I checked out on Christmas this year. Didn't channel Martha Steward. Didn't make forty drunken fruitcakes that I tend everyday - each in their own container, turning them and spritzing them with brandy - didn't do that. Also didn't make thousands of Christmas cookies - there was no need for the family Christmas cookie intervention where my cookie sheets are hidden from me. Also didn't shop like a drunken sailor - bought very little, spent very little. Despite being subdued, I managed to have a pretty house, a perfectly set table, a few things for the girls under the tree. I sent packages to relatives. The tree never did get completely trimmed but on Monday I finally decorated it with lights and garlands - it's fine.
- Christmas morning I counted my blessings as I sent texts to the people I love and who love me in return. That list is very long - the people I treasure. Told my sister, "When I am sad and wishing for someone to share my life with, I have to kick myself because truth is I'm rich with friends and love." Amazing and wonderful.
- I ate the feast but didn't drink much and my Christmas eating was limited to that one meal. I've actually lost weight this holiday season which is something to congratulate myself for!
- My children are alive. I adore them. Missed Elizabeth like crazy, had a few crabby moments with Catherine and Madeleine (they were supposed to help but didn't much) - mostly I was so grateful they are with me. I can't stop thinking of my friends' loss - what they would have given to have had their son to crab at this Christmas. Perspective.
- Also grateful for my Jewish friends - they came to the rescue this holiday season! On Monday, friend (from the writing group) Phil stopped by and helped me put the lights and garlands on the tree. It would have been a lonely job without his company. In the afternoon, I brought Carla and Alan some pecan sticky buns and we sat and listened to music and talked up a storm - later we went to see another Jewish friend - Joel - perform at 12 West Elm. Only thing that would have made it more perfect would have been Chinese food. Isn't that what all Jewish people do on Christmas - order Chinese? Love my Jewish friends and love the blending of the cultures and traditions.
- In the morning I gave myself a stern talk - that if I didn't hear from Patrick, I would not let it ruin the day. I sent him a greeting and expected nothing in return - freely given. And I didn't expect him to respond - he's been dark for months now. I also didn't want to lay a mental burden on him - make him responsible for my happiness. So I rallied to the day, laughed, partied with friends and family, listened to wonderful music, enjoyed the tree and the smells, and remained present with the people who choose to share my life and vice versa. Late in the day, checked my phone and there was a greeting from him. It put a song in my heart.
Tomorrow I'll write more...will be back in the groove. I hope you're OK. It's such an emotional time of the year - so much bubbles up for so many of us. Just got word that a friend was rushed to the hospital the day before Christmas - overdosed on pain meds. Going to visit him today. I hope it was an accident and not a suicide attempt. I'm suspicious of the timing - for people alone (which he is) Christmas can kick you in the gut with loneliness.
Your challenge could be exercising your zoom out lens - hovering like an angel over the pageantry of your life. If you're feeling off kilter by relatives who mean well but who don't get you, or parents/siblings/children who love you but who know exactly how to get under your skin. If you are weary, overfed, over-watered, and worried about what the New Year will bring, zoom out and hover above. Summon humor and wisdom and stay present with the imperfect people in your "room". They are the ones who have chosen you. I adore all of you, aggravating flaws and all. I'm grateful to be part of your life. Now, if I could just erase the pain of the ones who are suffering this year (my friend in the hospital, my friends who lost their child), it would be something to sing about.
Peace,
Sarah
The picture? Y'all know how I feel about Santa!
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