Happily Ever After/Have Gun Will Travel

Wednesday and a lazy start to the day despite the fact that I woke at 5:30 with a growling stomach. I've been goofing off this morning despite a sizable list of things to accomplish, playing some online Scrabble (winning every game because I cheat) and also watched an episode of Once on my IPad (streaming Netflix). It was exactly the wrong thing to do cuz it upheaved me (more later).

Last night, Sarah in her element. Three hours on the phone troubleshooting a T1 cutover that was going south due to a serious mis-design on AT&T's part. Conference call with a dozen sometimes hysterical people on the phone with a dire situation that was melting down. And this wasn't just any T1 circuit - it is used to monitor police and fire alarms, so having it out of commission could have meant a fire or police alarm that went unanswered - someone could have died for lack of response - the circuit services many communities in the northwest suburbs of Chicago. Time was of the essence and there was a point where we had to decide to turn back or forge forward through the thicket of the problems. We forged and several of us kept our cool and forced a solution. I provided the calm leadership necessary to keep our collective eyes on the prize and made executive decisions on behalf of the customer that resulted in a positive outcome. I'm good that way. Calm and effective under pressure - a demeanor that instills confidence and results. That cold-blooded warrior side of me comes in handy when there is a job to be done. Have gun will travel. That's me.

But today found me weeping over that episode of Once I watched. And really it's probably an ill-advised series for me to be watching. The premise is a troubling one - a little town in New Hampshire that is inhabited by people with fuzzy memories. They are all unhappy, lives misfiring, in search of love and meaning. And the reason for the malaise is they are all under a spell. Their true reality is that they were living happily ever after lives in a medieval kingdom with familiar names like Snow White, Prince Charming, Rumpelstiltskin  Grumpy, Pinocchio  Jimminy Cricket, etc. They were living in bliss until the evil witch cursed them and transported them into our 21st century reality, robbed them of everything they hold dear and gave them amnesia. In their present reality the witch is the mayor of the town.

So Sarah, who doesn't always have a firm grip on reality, watches this show and any grounding she may have hard won, vanishes. In the show, Snow White and Prince Charming should be together - they feel the connection although their current lives are encumbered. Nothing will be right until the curse is lifted and they are reunited. Flashbacks to their old life when Prince Charming was betrothed to Kind Midas' daughter - Snow White distraught over the upcoming nuptials - marriage is being forced. She goes to Rumpelstiltskin for help:

"I need a cure for a broken heart. What can I do to get him out of my head?" she asks.
"Ah, love, it is the most painful of afflictions. Love is the most powerful magic, the cure must be extreme," Rumpel responds. Love makes us sick. It fills our hearts with dreams. It destroys our days. Love has killed more than any other disease. The cure to forget is a gift," he says. "Like all disease it can be vanquished but only with a cure or death." With that he gives her a forgetting potion.

Snow White goes to the Prince days before his wedding. She tells him she doesn't love him. The king had threatened Snow White that, if she didn't renounce the prince, he will hire an assassin to kill him. She loves him, of course - doesn't want him dead so she tells him the lie.

"It can't happen. You said I would always be in your heart. That is too cruel a fate. Go live your life. Live it without me, because there is no place for us together. Fill your heart with love for someone else - someone who can love you the way I never have - the way I never will."  She leaves him to think she doesn't love him.

Later with Grumpy, she decides to drink Rumpel's potion. "This will take all of my feelings for him away," she says.

"Don't," says Grumpy. We have all lost today (apparently there were originally eight dwarves - ha! that's the second of the "dw" words! - that day, the king killed one of them escaping the castle).

"I don't want my pain erased, as wretched as it is," says Grumpy. "I need my pain. It makes me who I am - it makes me Grumpy.  Look around, Snow. You're not alone anymore. I promise you that's all the cure you need. If the pain is too much you can always drink the potion. Just not today - put it away."

Later Grumpy comes to her, jubilant, with news the prince has cancelled the wedding and is in search of her, despite the disavowing of her love - he doesn't believe her. Grumpy expects Snow to be overjoyed. Instead, she says, " Prince who?" She drank the potion - succumbed to her despair - could no longer live with the pain of loving him in absentia.

Sarah suffers still. I don't know what to do to get him out of my head. And it doesn't help that, when I went to Boston and spent time with friend Rose in the Widow Warren House on the Cape, we were joined by her friend Billy Ann, a spiritual person who Rose says has an uncanny way of predicting the future. She asked me to talk about my relationship with Patrick - she listened as I told her the story. At the end she said, "You're so silly....you're both so silly. You were meant to be together. You will be together. Just wait and don't give up hope."  So what does a rational person do with that "information"? It defies the reality and the facts - it's been seventeen months since we broke up and he has cut all communication.

Challenge today is tough - I haven't given you much to work with. Maybe it's a stretch but how about this? Think of it.....what if this reality we're in is a curse? What if life wasn't meant to be this hard? What if the veil of confusion could be lifted and we could live with simpler agendas - to love and be loved - that's all? Nothing else mattering. Really nothing. Everything else put in our lives to distract. What IF we weren't obsessed with bodies and accomplishment and loss and honor and striving and hurt feelings and fear? What would that look like?  Happily ever after?

Peace,
Sarah

Tortoise Hare/Circling

Tuesday and a bit of relief - worked like a banshee on the IRS settlement offer yesterday only to find out, at the end of the day, that my accountant secured a 10 day extension. Kind of glad I didn't know or I might have slackened my efforts. Today I'm in good shape with just a few loose ends to chase down - the rest of the work is hers. Do you adore your accountant like I do? If not, be jealous of me cuz mine is like a mother to me - nurturing, scolding, a shoulder to cry on, life-saver, and a good friend. She and I have even made cookies together!

Last night Petterino's with Janet, Curt, Judy and Bernie. Fun evening - we all sang exceptionally well!  I brought out a new piece, a medley of two songs: My Shining Hour and I'll Be Seeing You.  Janet sang a terrific Eva Cassidy version of Autumn Leaves with Curt on the piano. And lately, Petterino's has been fun and unpretentious. The socialites haven't been around so it's just us "normal" people who somehow make due without a stable of horses, a couple of Rolls Royce's complete with driver, or an entourage of hangers-on like that certain philanthropist who's been known to show up with a dozen sycophants in tow.

Woke in the night hungry. I've gotten really serious about the weight loss and I have a goal to be down 15 pounds by Jan 1st. That may sound like a humble goal to you, but for me, who loses a quarter of a pound at a time, it will take a herculean effort. To lose 2 pounds/week, I can't screw up even once in the week. What's more, I can't seem to lose well with the Weight Watchers points I'm given (29), so I've cut that down to 20 and I don't use any of the extra funny money points they give you to "spend" in the week. For those of you who don't know the WW plan, 20 points is about 1,000 calories. Getting used to a nagging, hungry feeling in my belly. What's interesting is that the more you ignore hunger, the less it bothers you. Maybe it's the Landmark training of learning to give up the feeling that "something is wrong here".  Learning to decouple the hungry feeling from the action of eating. It's not the worst feeling in the world although it does tend to wake you in the night.

Kaveh would hate that I still believe my excess weight is standing in the way of love. He is of the school that the form we find ourselves in is largely irrelevant - that true love trumps all that. I think he's wrong - I believe we're biologically programmed to only fall for people who please us visually. And that doesn't mean we can't fall for someone who is less than perfect  - it's just the getting-to-know-you package that limits choices when it's unappealing. So lose the rest of the weight I must if I'm going to find my extraordinary man. And ha! Kaveh's wife? He didn't settle! She is drop dead gorgeous, brilliant and an heiress.

Today, I'm embracing the idea of circling back and back again and back again until you get something right and ingrained. It's so easy to be excited about some new initiative, a new self help book, a new friend. In time, if you're like me, a certain amount of ennui sets in and you crave something new to fire your brain. Danger with that, though, is displacing something good with a new shiny focus. And yet, our foundations are built on repeating that which is good even when it becomes rote or uninspiring. What I'm also realizing is how fragile my ecology is. A good habit today is a forgotten, discarded habit tomorrow.

That's where the circling back comes in. The worthy things need nurture, care and focus. Remember when I was pumped up by the book Getting Things Done?  I put in place many of the tenets of that book but there is so much more I didn't incorporate. Next week I'm going to a seminar in Chicago that they're hosting, with the thought that I'll take the lessons "home", incorporate them more fully, implement tools (like apps on my phone, etc) that will support the methodology. And my 10,000 steps habit failed when I blew out my knee from over-exercising. Now the knee is better and I have to circle back and reclaim that excellent habit. In the last week, since the trip to Baltimore (that upset my apple cart and routine), I failed to make my daily monster list. Something as stupid as a disruption to my routine and losing my list notebook, derailed that habit. Again, the need to circle back and reclaim it. Today, found a new notebook and made the list and I'm on track once again.

Challenge today could be thinking about this subject. Think back to positive initiatives you put in place in your life that got derailed for one reason or another: a diet, an exercise plan, a budget, weekly night out with your husband. Why did you stop the new protocol? Can you circle back and reclaim the initiative?  Easy to get excited and put into practice something new. Harder, I think, to keep something in play once the luster has dulled. But good. It's the stuff of success. That whole tortoise and hare thing.

Peace,
Sarah

Liza Plussed/Always Something There to Remind Me

It's Monday. Much to report. Friday's Landmark introduction evening at my house was god awful. The presenters were absolutely pathetic and I had to do damage control with friends after they left. But fun. Luke, Janet, Curt and I had a blast after everyone left. Curt played the baby grand piano - it purred under his touch - Debussy. Janet and I sang. Then they left and just Luke and I alone. Told him we are at different stages of our life - he is just starting dating again after a long dry spell - kid in a candy store. I'm trying to align my dreams, declarations and deeds in line with finding someone special to give my heart to. Not interested in playing the field. Told him to go sow his wild oats. Told him I'm not an oat.

Saturday Josh stood me up! We had a firm, well planned date for Saturday. I won the dating bet so he was to take me to dinner and then a movie back at his apartment - we even had the movie selected. Saturday evening when I asked him for ETA, he informed me he was out on a date! Not OK for two reasons. I think most of us agree that if you have plans with someone, you should honor them, even if a better offer comes along - he should have told his date he was busy Saturday and made alternative plans. Second, he never even bothered to tell me so that I could launch my own Plan B! Luckily there was a neighborhood party I knew about and then James came over late for chatting (we got passed the difficulties we had). Sunday Liza for breakfast. She is obsessed and freaking out that her new weekday abode in Urbana is infested with mice. I've never seen her so plussed (isn't that the opposite of nonplussed?). Rest of the day work on my books for my accountant. IRS deadline this week.

What I'm thinking about today is completion. It was the theme of the last Landmark "Being Extraordinary" seminar on Thursday. Many of us do a really poor job of practicing, honoring, recognizing, celebrating "complete". Wow, that really struck a chord with me! Brought tears to my eyes when I thought of the difficult good-byes I've been doing a poor job with. It's all about loss, right? Being complete is saying a final good-bye to something or someone. It's a hard demarcation point between the past, the present and of course, the future. I think it's even relegating that person or thing to a different part of your brain. Thinking organ transplant where a surgeon carries a beating heart from one chest and places it in another.  Maybe being complete with someone is figuratively doing the same thing - gently lifting them out of the front part of your brain where life is active, where you spend most of your day and gently placing them in the long term memory capsule.

The song, Always Something There to Remind Me.  I sing it all the time. Patrick of course. Talked with James about him on Saturday. Without tears I told him that every single day there are probably no less than fifty times something will remind him of me. Stupid stuff like:

• dirty dishes in the sink left for later. He told me it was his bachelor tip to put water in them so they'd be easier to clean later.  So adorable, as if that's something only bachelors do.
• Extracting the last bit of toothpaste from the tube and his method for using the edge of the counter to push it up.
• Looking through my music book and seeing the sheet music for "I Will Always Love You." When we broke up he sent me the YouTube link and the lyrics.
• The voice mail from January 12th at 5:52AM in the morning that I listen to every week to resave it.
• Tomatoes - he hated them. When I cut a tomato I think of him.
• A pink shirt he liked
• Pumping gas and entering my debit card as a credit card to avoid a surcharge - always using regular gas cuz he said to.
• Joey. He is named after Patrick's middle name. Shay calls him Joseph which makes me think of him more.
• Santa.
• Bruises
• Jameson's
• Anything Irish
• Scrabble 
• The three words in the English language that begin with "dw"
• more more more more more more more more more

Liza and I talked about what animates us. Told her how hard it is to be content with an empty space - how it's hard to find peace there. Mastering that would be an amazing skill - learning to dwell (that's a "dw" word!) right in that clearing, like you're the only person left in the world - picture yourself in a field, naked under the stars, reaching for the heavens. Blissful, alone, content, the past in the past, the future unscripted. Present. Complete.  Liza is animated by her children - not much else. I'm animated by singing, writing and Patrick. Not much else.

Challenge today. What animates you? Are you good with it or is there something inhabiting the front part of your brain that needs to be relocated to create an empty space for something new?

Peace,

Sarah

Warning from France/Death by My Mother's Hand

Friday and another frenetic day. Still working to get info to my accountant - tracking down every errant entry in Quick Books is taking three times as long as it should. And tonight the Landmark Intro evening in my home with about a dozen people. I still have to clean the house, get some groceries, make two pies and prep pizza. Going to keep it simple and unpretentious.

Yesterday was challenging but I managed to keep my perspective. Call from France from a childhood friend of Luke's (the guy I dated Friday). Luke had encouraged him to call regarding a business opportunity. We immediately clicked across the Atlantic (he was raised here so no problem with language!). His ideas are interesting and sound and we soon found ourselves talking about ourselves. I could feel he felt a friendly connection. At the end of the call an awkward silence..I could tell he wanted to say something. "How much do you know about Luke?" he asked warily. "Not much," I confessed. "Is there something I should know?" "He's the smartest man I know but he hasn't had an easy life.....ask him to be honest with you about it." That's all he would say. Hmmmmm.....I hear a shoe dropping. And bad news on the office short sale - looks like it might not go through. Need a Plan B.

Last night I sang at Landmark - two songs - that sad Johnny Mercer song I always sing that tugs at my Patrick heartstrings, I Thought About You, and also a modified version of What a Day This Has Been. Changed the lyrics to What a Course This Has Been.

What a course this has been,

What a great mood we're in.

Why it's finally like being in life.

There's a smile on our face,

For the whole human race,

Why it's finally like being in life.

All the music of life seems to be,

Like a bell that is ringing just for we,

And from the way that we feel

When that bell starts to peal

Why it's finally like being,

It's finally like being,

It's finally like being in life!

Then someone asked for a report from Luke about whether he had gone on the three prescribed dates (remember last week the leader challenged him to go on three dates). When we went on our date, the very next day, and I reminded him he needed to go on two more dates that week, we strategized that we should see each other two more times that week so he could be in integrity. Three dates but with the same person!  

But we didn't - I had the Baltimore trip and he had stuff so I was surprised when, last night, he reported he'd been on two dates - two out of three, not bad the group agreed. Means he dated someone else after me. I, on the other hand, cancelled a Saturday coffee date with someone new after being with Luke on Friday. Didn't feel the need to look further. He obviously did. That's not OK with me. When I meet the right person, he too will feel the need to look no further. I'm not going to be someone's ambivalent settle. That's what killed Patrick and me. The whole time he was with me he always thought he could do better, even though he was head over heels in love with me.

So... sad and happy today. Sad because for the first time, I was animated and smitten by someone. We had an amazing date where we laughed and laughed, finished each others' sentences, were amazed at our commonality and the end-of-night-kiss made me weak behind the knees. Sad it's unraveling  But happy too, because, for the first time, I was animated and smitten by someone who kissed me and made me weak behind the knees. There IS life after Patrick and that is something to rejoice about (seriously wasn't sure I wouldn't be one of those fading away women who cling, like a lover, to loss).

Another thing. A doctor visit. Gastroenterologist. A nurse and a doctor watching live on a screen what is going on inside of me. The doctor's face and his words, "What the fuck!" The nurse's face - terror and then she slumps to the floor in a faint. "What's going on!!!" I cry. The doctor, "Sarah you have two enormous tumors in your chest but there's more. There are two people living inside of you. One of them is a small, sweet looking girl. The other is an enormous monster with only one eye. He is looking right at me, saying something. I can't hear him - it looks like a threat. Both these creatures are holding the tumors. Impossible and yet it's true."

Later House calls me...."What did they decide to do...operate? he asks. "No one has decided anything," I respond. "Am I going to live?" "Of course not," he responds callously. "I need you. Come to me," I beg. He rushes to me and we sit on the stoop of my house. "I've seen him before," I say. And I had - a fabric painting of a primitive character my mother created. An unearthly creature in a dress with a stick neck and a too small head. The same slash mouth I saw on the film. The same one eye. "I need to show you the painting."

Mother is in bed when we knock on her door. She is old and has mostly given up the living fight. We startle her. "Has it happened!" she starts awake. "No, I just brought someone who wants to meet you and we want to see that painting of the monster in the dress." "Yes, of course," she says. "I would know if it had started." The painting is studied. House looks worried. He had seen the film of my chest. It is him - the same one-eyed abomination. "Has there been any change in the past years," he asks cryptically. "Yes, she went away for a while and left him. That was terrible." I say things not even knowing I know them. "But she's back now and he's OK for now."

"Not for long," my mother says, her silver hair like a halo on her pillow. She gazes wearily at the ceiling of her bedroom as if she is seeing something new and unbearably sad. "I don't understand," I say to both she and House. "Why can't you just operate and take them both out and the tumors too?" Mother looks at me sadly. "You are the container. You're all that stands between him and the end of this reality we're all living in. He has to die inside of you. When he dies, he will squeeze the tumor so hard it will burst open - you won't survive it. "What about her? I ask sadly. "She'll be OK...." mother responds. "She will leave before it happens. She can come and go at will."

"I will make it painless," House offers uncharacteristically sweetly. "No, it's prophesied I must kill him," my mother says. "If you kill him, he will seep through Sarah's DNA portal into her youngest daughter. Madeleine doesn't even have to be in the room for him to make that leap. If I kill him, it destroys his legacy. I'll need your help though." With that, I'm told to leave the room - he apparently hears all our conversations. Mother and House plot my death, his death - an ultrasound while he sleeps. a sharpened knitting needle plunged into his brain through the one eye.

Thinking Kaveh will enjoy hearing about that dream when we have our good-bye appointment in Louisville a week from Monday. Just had it last night. It's fresh in my mind.

Peace,
Sarah

The Germans/Orgasmic Apple Pie

Thursday and the week is coming to a close. Last night a mad scramble to get ready for Josh's Germans (by the way they have a name - Chris and Sylvia). Worked until as late as I could on the dastardly banking stuff and then raced to Whole Foods, back to the house by 4:30 and then cooked the dinner in record speed - all the things I mentioned yesterday: the oregano feta shrimp, kale potato soup, apple pie, rice pilaf, asparagus.  And yay to holding firm to my diet goals! They drank like fish (had to leave their car and cab it home). I drank water, ate tiny amounts and eschewed the dessert entirely. Sent the leftover pie home with Josh so I wouldn't be tempted later.

And funny that today I was thinking of Germans, remembering the characterizations from my English friend Nick who lives near Dusseldorf, drawing conclusions, creating generalizations based on my impressions of Chris and Sylvia. How dumb is that? Can you imagine if I went to Germany and the people I met made sweeping conclusions about Americans based on how I conducted myself? They would think all Americans were bizarrely outgoing, great cooks, sang jazz, wore their heart on their sleeves, and obsessed about reality! So no conclusions about Germans - just really enjoyed Chris and Sylvia - they were lovely and special and so nice to have some new friends!

Tonight is the final evening of the Landmark Being Extraordinary seminar. Am I extraordinary now? Yes I think so - in many ways but still with blind spots and unfinished work. Difference now is that I have tools to tackle those areas. It's just a matter of digging in and doing the work - being courageous and holding myself accountable. Funny e-mail from friend Elliot. Said, "The following sentence from your blog taken out of context is hilarious!"  The sentence? The one where I said, if I graded myself on how I've done in the seminar, in all honesty I would probably just get a C!  He's right - being extraordinary is A work! - Anything less than an A is flunking! Tonight, leader Tom asked me to sing so think of Sarah up at the Landmark microphone singing a cappella (no accompaniment) in front of fifty people. How far I've come! Was a time when even the thought of getting up in front of a group to sing caused me shortness of breath and sweaty palms. No longer! I'll nail it.

Today - got nothing - no deep thoughts - just need to keep working on the IRS stuff - deadline next week. Regardless of the outcome having that IRS determination behind me will be a good thing - hard to live fully with Damocles' sword ready to behead you at any moment! Limbo sucks.

What I'll leave you with today is my perfect apple pie recipe. Josh (who knows his way around an apple pie) said it was the best apple pie he's ever had in his life. I, not so humbly, agreed that I DO make the perfect pie. Not a happy accident. I think I taste-tested apple pie recipes for the better part of twenty years before finding the holy grail of apple pie recipes. 'Twas worth the wait!  I'm going to impart this recipe to you with lots of important chatty comments that, if you follow to the letter, will ensure your success. Let me know if you make this and whether you agree it's sublime.

Sarah's Apple Pie 

Ingredients
4 granny smith apples (these are needed because they retain their firmness and shape during cooking)
4 Macintosh, Rome, Jonathan or other apple that breaks down in cooking, imparting juices
1 package of Pillsbury pie crusts - shocking I know that I don't make my own crust (I certainly know how), but in my opinion, Pillsbury makes the perfect crust - better than homemade. They're not frozen - look in the refrigerator dairy section near the tubes of biscuits - they're in a long red box.
1 egg white
2 TBS flour
zest of one lemon
2 tsp. lemon juice
1/2 c. brown sugar (either light or dark)
1/2 c. white sugar
3/4 tsp cinnamon
1/2 tsp nutmeg
1/4 tsp salt
1 TBS butter 

Preheat the oven to 410-420. If you haven't used your oven in a while it would be good to get one of those thermometers you can put in it to see if it runs hot or cold.  Put foil on the floor of the oven and set the rack to the bottom third. 

Peel the apples. Cut them into quarters and remove the core. Slice each quarter into about five slices. 

Get a 9" deep dish clear glass Pyrex pie pan (using clear glass is important - makes the lower crust brown versus being mushy - if you can't get a deep dish pan use a standard clear glass pie dish - the size in all cases should be 9") . Remove the pie crusts from the refrigerator about 1/2 hour before starting the pie so that they're not too stiff to work with. Unroll the pie crusts and onto one of them, put about a tsp of flour and with your fingers rub it quickly to the edges. Shake off any excess flour and put that floured side face down in the pie plate. If you're using a deep dish pan, the crust will fit perfectly. If you're using a standard plate, arrange it and then holding your knife at a 90 degree angle to the table slice off any excess crust from the edge.
Lightly beat the egg white with a fork or whisk (throw the yolk away). Using a pastry brush or your hands, apply a light coating of egg white to the crust that you've laid into the plate. Don't miss any spots.

In a small bowl, combine the flour, lemon juice, lemon zest, sugars and spices. I have a micro planer to zest the lemon. A cheese box grater works too. Only grate the outermost yellow - the white pith is bitter. I also use slightly less than the prescribed 1/2 c. of sugars. Rather than a full cup, my combined white and brown sugar equals about 3/4 c. Use your fingers to massage the mixture together. This is important or else you may have clumps of the lemon zest that are offputting if you get a mouthful.

Arrange half of the apples in the pie plate taking your time. This may seem fussy, but arrange them so that the rounded edges face to the outside of the dish. Try to be strategic  eliminating empty spaces (channel your inner bricklayer!). You'll get fast at this - should take no more than a few minutes.  Sprinkle half of the sugar mixture over the apples. Arrange the rest of the apples (not going too close to the edge or the top pie crust may be hard to crimp. Top with remaining sugar and then the butter which you have cut up into tiny pieces (or if it's soft then dots of soft butter all over the top). 

Roll out the top crust with a rolling pin to be slightly larger if you're using the deep dish or even larger if you're using a standard plate. If you omit this step you'll find that the crust won't cover the apples.  If you're using a standard plate, it has a nice horizontal lip. Tuck the top crust under the bottom crust, just like you're making a bed (the bottom crust is the mattress and the top crust is the sheet). Don't crimp yet until the top crust is placed in this way. Then go around again and crimp the two crusts together. Couple of ways to do this. You can use the tines of a fork, or two fingers from your right hand and one from your left hand.  What's important is that you create a good seal.  If you're using a deep dish pie plate there is no nice lip to work with. You will have to do your best to tuck the top crust and then just seal it best you can - it will look rustic. 

Brush the top crust with egg white and then with a sharp paring knife make four slits in the top center of the crust - be sure to do this after brushing the egg white or the egg could seal up the holes. The slits should be fairly close to each other and star out from the middle - no longer than an inch.  Using the knife enlarge them a bit so that they don't accidentally close up. Finally sprinkle the crust with  a tiny amount of sugar - will give it a lovely sparkly patina.
Put the pie in the oven and set a timer for 45 minutes. The pie may actually take 55 minutes but it's good to start checking at 45 minutes. And really you should also check it about 20-25 minutes to see if the crust edge is browning too fast. This will definitely happen if you're using a standard pie plate. Have a long length of tinfoil that you've made - about 2" wide and as long as the circumference of the pie plate. Take the pie out of the oven and using care not to burn yourself on the dish, cover the crust edge with the foil. Return the pie to the oven (close the oven door during this procedure so you don't lose all your oven heat). 

Knowing when a pie is done is one of the keys to success. If you're using a standard plate, you will see dripping into the bottom of the oven. At first the drippings will be watery but after a time, they will be viscous. That's a sign of doneness.  Pies cooked in the deep dish pans probably won't drip. The most important test of doneness (both the standard and deep dish)  is taking the pie from the oven and inserting a sharp paring knife into the slits. Make several stabs and note whether the apples feel tender or if you encounter any crunchy resistance. If there's a crunch, then back in the oven for five minutes and then a re-test.  You don't want crunchy underdoneness but you also don't want to overcook the pie and have the interior apple mush.  The color of the crust has little bearing on doneness. Depending on your oven it may brown a little or a lot.  I like using the convection setting on my oven - it swirls the heat around eliminating hot spots. You also cook it a bit cooler (400) and it can reduce the cooking time.  Remember that cooking times vary - don't be a slave to the clock. Use the doneness tests I described.  Finally, the pie should cool for a couple of hours before cutting into it to set it up.

Bon Appetit!  Challenge today is making an apple pie!

Peace,
Sarah

Ravages of Savages/ Remember Allerton

Really busy day today so I'm going to make this post on the short side. This AM, working on getting my Quickbooks reconciled to the bank so that my accountant can run important reports for the IRS deadline that's looming. Thought I could have it done yesterday - but it's laborious and I underestimated the task. HAVE to have it done today. Then tonight, Josh's long awaited friends from Germany who are here for a few weeks are coming to dinner. He talked me up and they want to meet me and vice versa! Cooking of course (that's one of the things he wants to show off - my cooking). They love Mediterranean food so I'll make a simple meal (given my time restraints) that should please: a kale potato chorizo soup (healthy chicken chorizo from Whole Foods) to start and for the main course, shrimp with oregano, feta and tomatoes. Cornbread and pilaf on the side. Dessert will be homemade apple pie with vanilla bean ice cream.

And ha! You're thinking, tsk, tsk. Sarah=hypocrite to be making pie given yesterday's blog post! And maybe you're right. I should task myself with the health of all my friends when they're in my home at least!  I certainly won't eat the sugary dessert (I'll have vision of apple pie for dessert with a side of fruit). But maybe I should walk the walk and make my home a low glycemic zone!  Friend Pat e-mailed me yesterday about our plans for Thanksgiving. I'm cooking as usual and you can probably imagine what this Pilgrim girl, semi-master chef comes up with on that holiday. That and the Martha monkey on my back makes for a picture perfect holiday. It was Pat's idea to make the Thanksgiving meal low glycemic. Really good idea but I think if there were no pies I might end up being a shrunken head on daughter Elizabeth's keychain.

Reminds me of one Thanksgiving in Plymouth that's worth writing about. It was the early '70's. My parents were bohemian/hippies and were surrounded by like-minded, alternative-thinking friends. The comedian Dick Gregory had just moved his family to Plymouth, seeking a more wholesome lifestyle for them. I was being raised in a rule-free, anything goes house, making my own clothes (psychadelic paisley dresses and maxi skirts). Macrame was big. Paper dresses. Lots of teen sex going on in the corners of my huge house. Crazy time. Anyway, one Thanksgiving my parents got wind of a "Feastless Thanksgiving" being held on the Boston Common. Famous people presided. Indians were represented. It protested the genocide of the American Indian as well as the gluttony of the day when so many Americans were living in hunger.

My sister and I took the bus to Boston to participate. We found the spot - a huge table set with china and crystal in the middle of the park - a table set for a feast but without food. TV cameras were set up - there were several networks covering the event. The ceremony lasted about an hour - we chanted something about "the ravages of the savages", sang mournful songs, vowed to fast the entire day and then went home on the bus. My sister and I took this event seriously - we ate not a bite of the Thanksgiving meal that year. Later we found out that, once the event was over and the press gone, the organizers of the event went home to sumptuous meals. I remember being angry and disillusioned.

When we first moved to Plymouth, Mass, I was about five. That first year we were welcomed by the town elders and invited to participate in the annual reenactment of the Pilgrim's Progress - the marching of the Pilgrims up the hill in the center of the town to the spot where they would have attended services in the fort/church. If you go to Plymouth Plantation today - the reenactment village, the Pilgrim houses accurately are placed on a street on a hill with the fort at the top of the hill. Today that street (Leyden Street) is bustling with cars and shops, but it's still the same street. At the top of the hill, there is an old Unitarian Church I attended as a child, built on the site of the old fort.

Picture today is my family in Pilgrim dress, taken before we took part in the reenactment that first year we moved to Plymouth. We each played one of the Pilgrims who survived the first winter - I was probably Remember Allerton, daughter of Isaac and Mary Allerton who came from Leiden, Netherlands (not all the Pilgrims were English). Here's a YouTube link to a recent reenactment.

Challenge today. It's time to start planning Thanksgiving! Who to invite. What to cook! How to make it meaningful! So much to give thanks for!

Peace,
Sarah

In the picture, I'm the girl with the rounded collar - my mother must have taken the picture.  Here's another of me with my older sister.

In a Car with Tarzan/Weapons of Self Destruction

Tuesday morning and the Baltimore trip is behind me - phew! Mostly uneventful with a good outcome for Henry. His progress is ahead of schedule - in the booth test he was able to hear sounds at 20 decibels - not sure what that means but it's very good and he's well on his way to have the same ability to hear as any kid his age. The drive was grueling at times with him - mostly he was a gem but there were times when he shrieked sometimes for an hour at a time, playing around with his voice like a one year old would, sounding sometimes like a rooster, sometimes like Tarzan. It was at those times I put earplugs in (pretty cool that I thought to bring them!)  Yesterday (Monday) we left Baltimore at about noon central time and I drove straight through with only a short half hour break for dinner. Stupid me to speed in Indiana - second time in my life I've gotten a ticket on that stretch of I-80 that hugs the lake. Remember that!  Do NOT speed in Indiana! Now, Indiana wants me (remember that song?) - or my money anyway and I have a ticket on my record.

So the date with Luke! It was so much fun! We have everything in common: love of jazz, the music I sing, science, history, Landmark, we were both in the financial industry, weight loss, and an avid love of reading. Turns out he's not down on his luck and the fact that he doesn't work is because he doesn't  have to (having sold his trading firm years ago).  He liked that I was willing to go out with him even when I thought he might be living with his mother and delivering pizzas while he looked for a real job. Anyway, I like him. He's fun, interesting and sexy. I plan to take it slow and savor the delicious "getting to know you" stage, assuming he is similarly interested. And if he's not? Then it was the first time since breaking up with Patrick that I felt myself surrendering to someone else. It's a wonderful thing to know there can be life for Sarah beyond that difficult breakup. Just that is a gift.

Just read an article about some surprising results arising from an experiment on people with Type II diabetes. Turns out that diet and exercise had little effect in improving their health. For instance, people with Type II diabetes are more than twice as likely to have heart attacks and strokes as the rest of the population Took all the professionals by surprise because patients have been counseled that lifestyle changes could make a big impact on their health with the thought, I believe, that the disease could be turned back. Not so, it turns out.  Seems, once a person has crossed that terrible threshold and the body has given up the fight and succumbed to the disease, there is not a lot that can be done other than manage it. And, those with diabetes should expect higher mortality from secondary causes such as heart disease. What WAS encouraging, though, is that lifestyle changes are effective in turning the course so that people who are headed for the disease, can stave it off - can keep the diabetes switch from being flipped if they take some immediate corrective steps.

Here's the link to the article entitled, Diabetes Study Ends Early.  First paragraph:

A large federal study of whether diet and weight loss can prevent heart attacks and strokes in overweight and obese people with Type 2 diabetes has ended two years ahead of schedule because the intensive program did not help.

Here's my takeaway from this. If you are overweight, eating poorly, not exercising, you are a good candidate for Type II diabetes (over 25 million Americans have it). And if you are middle aged or older and have engaged in that lifestyle for years, don't be fooled into thinking you have dodged a bullet - there is a cumulative effect to your bad habits. Your body may have fought the good fight for years but, chances are, it will finally give up the battle and one day, you'll start experiencing the symptoms of diabetes - your body can only withstand the insult for so long. And if that happens - the switch is flipped, it's too late - diabetes and related illnesses are not reversible.  You don't get a DO OVER! You can turn over a new leaf, manage the disease, do things to extend your life, but you can't fix it. You broke yourself!  Humpty Dumpty!

Bummed?  Here's some good news! If you're reading this and recognize yourself at risk - you're middle-aged, overweight and sedentary and eating a high glycemic diet you can IMMEDIATELY eliminate the risk.  The very day you start eating low glycemic, reduce your caloric intact, get some activity (and it doesn't have to be much) is the day you dodge the bullet. I haven't seen it in writing (info from my sister), but I believe that, no matter how overweight you are or out of shape, the benefit is immediate - your body will not flip the diabetes switch as long as you are eating properly. Think of that! What other health decision is there that results in immediate better health? None that I can think of! Also, remember my recent blog post on the new thinking about Alzheimer's - it's now being called Type III diabetes. If you're headed towards diabetes it's not just your organs at risk but you also stand a good chance of descending into dementia, being a burden on your family and dying a terrible death in a facility. So, understand this to be true, know you have the power to rescript the future and start looking at the sweets case at Starbucks with different eyes. That sticky bun or piece of pumpkin pound cake? Weapons of self destruction - Trojan horses.

Challenge today, if you are at risk, is to understand this and take immediate action. Get a book on eating a low glycemic diet and put it into immediate practice. By the end of this week you could be on a totally new trajectory with diabetes no longer a foregone conclusion. It's a disease you don't want to get and one that you can immediately head off at the pass if you decide to make changes. And....if you are wondering about me and my interest in this topic? My doctor tells me I have the blood work of a 20 year old: all my levels are perfect, my standing heart rate is in the low '50's, my blood sugar low and my cholesterol levels wonderful. I attribute it all to eating for health. I still have a bunch of weight to lose, but ironically I'm healthier than most people, even with 50+ too many pounds on me. It will be good to get the weight off (especially a relief for my unhappy knees), but what I want to stress is that you can be healthy and overweight if you eat well and get activity. And you can, with a quick lifestyle change, immediately eliminate your risk of diabetes. Eliminate it!!

Peace,
Sarah

Oprah Moment/Baby Steps

It's Friday and I have a date! Gotta give you the back story. Landmark seminar yesterday evening. Was going to go with little thought to appearance, but there's this guy who kind of appeals to me - whom I've had my eye on for a while. And I'm not sure why I like him - he's not really firing on all cylinders - think he's professionally floundering, he's admittedly damaged but he is brave and funny and incredibly enthusiastic about what the future offers. Oh, and kind of cute with a voice like a broadcaster and I'm a sucker for a great speaking voice.

So, midway during the evening as the group was going to the mike and sharing breakthroughs as a result of working the seminar, I recounted the story about Josefien and the postal emergency - the concert in a car.  Luke had gotten up right before me and confessed that while his progress was not measurable, he was feeling ready to pounce and perform and make meaningful life changes. Moderator challenged him to be specific and asked him about his personal life and whether he had made any progress in finding a relationship. Luke hung his head. The moderator/coach challenged him to go on three dates by next Thursday - one week.

So, after telling of Josefien to the delight of the group, I ended by saying, as I looked at him (right up there at the mike in front of everyone), "Oh, and Luke, I'll go out with you."  Everyone gasped, took the room by surprise - 'twas an Oprah moment. Fun and bold, right? I sat down, he was seated in the row behind me. He leaned forward and kissed me on the cheek.

So tonight he'll pick me up and we'll go to Schaller's together - a few friends will join us and I'm thinking we'll have a really fun evening. Makes sense I'd find someone at Landmark - people get a sense of each other there and there is something so endearing about being real and vulnerable - shedding artifice. Not sure I would have given Luke a second look in the "real" world but knowing his back story - how his father kicked him across the room when he left the family (tiny Luke was holding for dear life to his father's legs in an effort to get him to stay), makes me see him differently.

Saturday at midnight Lucas (Liza), Convex (James) and I will drive to Baltimore for Henry's third appointment since the cochlear implants. It will be a grueling drive - we're driving straight through. His appointment is first thing Monday morning and afterwards we will drive straight back to Chicago, arriving in the wee hours of Tuesday. SO, not looking forward to this but it's an important contribution - she needs our help. Oh, and no blog post on Monday, obviously.

Henry's progress is baby steps. No one understands that he's a hearing newborn. Liza keeps getting well-meaning calls from friends and relatives asking if he's starting to speak yet. They don't understand just what's going to be involved to get him there. Right now he's like a five month old, hearing sounds but not making sense of them, ignoring most of them, making a few connections here and there. The other day, Liza was walking with him and they were crunching through fallen leaves. Every now and then Henry would stop and look around confused. He'd walk again and stop again. Liza couldn't figure out what he was trying to make sense of - figured he was hearing something but not sure what.  After a few minutes, she realized it was the sound of the leaves underfoot that intrigued him and she pointed to them. Stomped them and then stopped, stomped them again. Henry laughed at her, disbelieving, not believing it was the leaves he was hearing. She's still not sure he doesn't think it was something else, like a hidden squirrel or bird. Anyway, you get the idea. Before Henry speaks, he has a whole lot of contextual work to do to make sense of his new sense.

Today, a chock full day. D-Day with the IRS (I owe them a ton of money and we're trying to work something out) is in a little over a week. Letter from them requiring huge amounts of documentation that I have to scramble to produce. The old Sarah would feel like throwing up about now. New Sarah will provide everything they're asking for and then trust that something workable will be the result. And I'm not being complacent or naively trusting in the future - I know they have the capacity to make things tough. It's just that I know they can't take from me the things that I value most: my family, friends, health and creativity.

Challenge today is....I dunno, putting yourself in my shoes? What if you were in trouble with the Feds and stood to lose much of what you'd acquired? If you had to itemize what's most important in your life, would you be sturdy, like me,  knowing you would be fine 'cuz your priorities are right where they should be? It's a terrific feeling and one that is bringing me a lot of peace as I enter a period of uncertainty.

Peace,
Sarah

The Dreaming, The Declaring and The Doing

Thursday and we're coming down the backside of the week! Hope yours has been good so far! Last night the cookbook testing. It's probably a dumb thing for me to be involved in, given I can't eat much these days as I dig my heels into the weight loss thing. And yet, it was fun and convivial. Most of the recipes, in my opinion, were unextraordinary and not cookbook worthy, but then I tend to be a food snob. The almond torte I made gave me fits and starts but ended up being very pretty and Adrienne said, true to the recipe. Last night I actually dreamed of ways of improving it. Woke this morning thinking I can put my own Sarah stamp on the recipe and make it extraordinary. The too-sweet confectioner's sugar frosting could be sassed up with a bit of sour cream and a few drops of fresh lemon juice. The crushed cookies on top of the cake replaced with something less sweet like chopped or sliced almonds or cocoa nibs. Each of the three layers could be brushed with Amaretto before frosting and instead of frosting between the layers, how about almond paste?  The thing that makes this cake worth tinkering with is that it's gluten free - not a speck of flour in it. And unlike a lot of gluten-free cakes, it's delightfully light and fluffy thanks to all the beaten egg whites.

Tonight the next to the last "Being Extraordinary" Landmark seminar class. If I'm honest, I would have to say I get about a C in the class. The homework is hard - giving up feelings of "something is wrong", giving up being right even when you know you are, living with integrity - your word as good as gold, not giving into fear, etc. And here's something ironic. In the Landmark Advanced class I took a few months ago, there was an enormous push to get us to live with integrity, stepping up to do the right thing, keeping your word, etc., being accountable. So get this! After the weekend was over we were sad to say goodbye to each other - 75 or so new friends. I offered to host a party to keep the friendships and the group alive. Sent the invite out about a month ago with the party scheduled for this Saturday. As of Tuesday, there were over 35 people who hadn't responded, a bunch of maybes and only five yeses! Yesterday I cancelled the party. Mostly I was amazed at how quickly people slip back into unextraordinary ways of being. Who would have predicted that this group, that was so high-powered and committed to each other, would disintegrate so quickly! Now my push is getting attendance at a Landmark introduction evening in my home which is scheduled for the 26th of this month (in a little over a week).  Please consider coming - I'll cook something fabulous and we will laugh a lot. You won't be put on the spot to enroll, I promise. Certainly, the objective of the evening is to introduce you to the education and have you consider whether it's something you might consider - whether there are areas in your life where you could use help in providing breakthroughs. But, there will be no hard sell. E-mail me at sbritton  (at)   brittoninfoservices.com if you would like to attend and I'll give you the particulars.

What I'm up to today is living into the idea that happiness is inhabitating the day honestly - aligning my actions with my hopes and dreams. My friend Yuranda said it well yesterday. The universe can provide but it needs to know what it is you need. Your message has to be clear and true, no inconsistencies, no margin for error.  It's the person whose wishes are reflected in their actions, not only the words that flow from their mouth that is providing a clear message. Three realms - the dreaming, the declaring and the doing. To realize a goal, to make something difficult come to fruition, these three realms have to be in harmony - no mixed signals, no discord, no ambiguity.

If we put this concept into practical application, we can imagine someone who wants a more rewarding career. It's not enough to wish for it in a vague way, hoping the fates will step in. And it's not enough to declare to yourself and others that you're going to make a change. It's also not enough to take first steps and start answering job ads. Thinking success comes to the person who harnesses the power of all these things. They spend dreaming time, creating new possibilities, putting fear aside for a time and thinking big, creatively.  Then, knowing such an endeavor is never a solo act, that person reaches out to their community, getting others excited for them, enlisting ideas and help. Finally, when the plan is solid, the support structure in place, the winner is one who aligns his daily activities in line with his vision and keeps the dream alive by continually engaging his support infrastructure and holding himself accountable - day in and day out.  Goal would be to live in such a trued up way in all things we hold dear or wish for. Thinking happiness is a by product of living this way - hopes and dreams synched up with action, supported by people who want the best for us.

You already know what your challenge today is, right?  How about starting modestly. What is your top goal?    Have you approached it with full integrity? Is your vision solid? Your support structure behind you? Your daily actions aligned with a roadmap to get you there?  Are you broadcasting a really clear, non-ambiguous message to the universe?

Peace,
Sarah

I Think, Therefore You Are

Lovely late start to the day today - something leisurely in the air for me today. List not made, dishes piled up in the sink, and it's all OK. Tonight a cookbook tasting event at the home of one of the Women's Club members. This is a two year project that will culminate in a very fancy, coffee table recipe book that will be timed for release on the anniversary of Evanston's founding - the 150th anniversary. For the cookbook, women submit favorite recipes for consideration and then other women volunteer to make the recipes from the given directions with no coaching from the author. Tonight, some of the entries will be tasted and voted upon.

And arg! I volunteered to make my friend Adrienne's grandmother's almond torte. I haven't even started it and I'm already frustrated!  Just reviewed the recipe only to realize I don't have three 8" cake pans (will have run out for some), as well as almond meal (whatever that is) and chocolate ice cream wafers that are crushed and patted on the top (I have no clue what ice cream wafers are- clearly they don't have ice cream in them, right?)  Also cringing that this little cake has a full pound of butter in it - no cake for Sarah!

So let's finish up the discussion about reality. I've been contemplating which of the articles I wanted to discuss next (there are six articles I considered) and I think what I'll do is just pluck information from some of them in no particular order - concepts/paragraphs/thoughts that can stand on their own, that I think you will find intriguing and thought provoking. It's really no substitute for reading the articles in their entirety. And presenting the info this way may make the concepts seem bizarre and far fetched, but nevertheless, here goes.

Article entitled, "Does Consciousness Create Reality" starts with an expanded thought. Descartes famously said, "I think, therefore I am." But what if he had said, "I think, therefore YOU ARE."  In this article a case is built for the idea that human consciousness actually creates reality.

..there is something special about consciousness, especially human consciousness. Von neumann argued that everything in the universe that is subject to the laws of quantum physics creates one vast quantum superposition. But the conscious mind is somehow different...we are participating observers whose minds collapse the superpositions. 

The idea of superpositions is strange to us. Get your head around the fact that it's an accepted fact that particles like electrons and photons exist in multiple places at the same time (wave function). When the wave (that includes all the places or possibilities) is measured it's the measuring that chooses JUST one of the possibilities. If we are the measurer we see (or choose) only one possibility of many.

Before human consciousness appeared, there existed a multiverse of potential universes....the emergence of a conscious mind in one of these potential universes, ours, gives it a special status: reality.

There is another interpretation - the one of "many minds"

This idea - related to the "many worlds" interpretation of quantum theory, which has each outcome of a quantum decision happen in a different universe - argues that an individual observing a quantum state sees ALL the many states, but each in a different mind. These minds all arise from the physical substance of the brain, and share a past and a future but cannot communicate with each other about the present.

I'm reminded of the book Incognito in which the author describes our brains as something almost unworldly with potential that we've only scratched the surface of. I'm starting to think that brain matter is some really advanced supercomputing raw material that exists the universe over. Forget silicone or other earthly metals for computation. The gray slimy stuff in our heads is the material of advanced computing and I suspect something that is foundational and ubiquitiously found in all the universes. I wonder if you're as amazed as I am by this concept. This theory - that human consciousness creates reality and that, what you experience as reality, is just one of many many simultaneous realities that exist in our brains. You know what that means right? There are many more of YOU living all the other possibilities with alternate realities, all sharing the same brain!

OK, this is getting long so I'll pluck a few more thoughts for you to consider.

• From the article, "Reality: A Universe of Information" the opening paragraph. "Whatever kind of reality you think you're living in, you're probably wrong. The universe is a computer, and everything that goes on in it can be explained in terms of information processing.
• From the article, "Reality: the Future," asks us to consider whether we might be living in someone else's simulation. "Flicking the switch on such a world simulation could have fundamental ramifications for our concept of reality...If we can do it, that makes it likely it has been done before. In fact, given the amount of computing power advanced civilizations are likely to have at their fingertips, it will probably have been done a vast number of times..so switching on our own simulation will tell us that we are almost undoubtedly in someone else's already. "We would have to think we are one of the simulated people, rather than one of the rare, exceptional non-simulated people. ... Who's to say video games are the lesser reality.

My brain is burning. Enough about reality for now! What I hope you've gotten from this is curiosity to explore this subject on your own. When I sit with these thoughts I'm finding I get a bit numb, certainly humbled by the thought that all that I'm so attached to is simply a churning in my brain, a chemical swirl that lights up something -  flicks a switch, compels me to behave in a certain way (loving, angry, etc).

Challenge today for me and maybe you is embracing the role of participant observer. If our consciousness creates reality, if we're simulations, if our brains are part of a universe superconsciousness,  it reduces our daily concerns and feelings to background noise. How adorable to think that what we think matters, really does. Those silly humans!

Peace,

Sarah

Anxiety Art/Body Check

Up and at 'em with a full day ahead - that monster list just keeps on giving and giving! Last night was Petterino's night with friends Bernie and Judy as well as new friend, Adrienne and a friend of hers, JoAnne. What a night it was! The cast from a new show in town, Sondheim's Assassins was there and regaled us with  a few numbers from the play. Now that's one freaky concept for a play! Haven't seen it yet but from what I understand, it's about famous assassins in history - the ones that come to my mind are Brutus, the Serbian who started WWI, John Wilkes Booth, Lee Harvey Oswald, Sirhan Sirahn - the dude who killed Bobby Kennedy, etc. Last night one of the songs was a duet between Squeaky Fromme and David Chapman. Squeaky sang to Charlie Manson, David to Jodie Foster. They sang about how they would die for love.  Strangely touching!

And guess who showed up to take in the show and sing us a song or two?? Marilyn Maye! (read yesterday's blog). What was really interesting to me was how she handled herself in an unfamiliar venue with an unfamiliar pianist (she typically travels with her own pianist/arranger). She got off to an unsteady start, picking a key out of the air (I was trained that you should ALWAYS know the key you sing every song in so that you can call it out to the pianist! - apparently when you have your own pianist this is unnecessary!), not liking the key she chose and getting into trouble because it was too low and she had to jump up an octave here and there, then just stopping the song altogether and singing something entirely different!  BUT, because she is so comfortable in her Cabaret skin, she made light work of it all and it ended up being charming. Lesson there - if you own the stage, have complete confidence in your ability to deliver, have the pipes and timing, you can pull off just about anything and what the audience will remember is your grace under fire, your composure and your talent. It's also what people expect when they see live impromptu music - it's fun to see things go wrong now and then, interesting to see a struggle between a singer and the pianist while they search musically for common ground, informative to see the subtle musical cues that signal how a song will end - almost imperceptible communication between the singer and the accompanist.  And it doesn't' hurt when your accompanist is the local legend Becky Menzie.  Singing with her is like driving a Ferrari. Oh, and I got to sing for Marilyn (and everyone else, of course). She complimented me on my performance!  Sang Them There Eyes.

Thinking more about what I wrote yesterday and not just as it applies to my dating life. These days I'm really getting the concept of truing up one's actions and behavior to align with one's hopes and dreams. And the thought that is giving me comfort and optimism is one that is incubating - I'll try to give it voice, to explain. But first, just spent some time on the NYT website and there was a touching and amusing article called Anxiety Art: This Mortal Coil. It's an art piece that depicts the anxiety and angst of being human. Here's what the artist has to say about his comic drawing:

This comic is from a series I’ve been working on since 1999, when my son was born, which has slowly been shaping itself into a book. My father died shortly before I myself became a dad, and both those events started me thinking about relationships and history and the responsibilities of parenthood. There’s all the baggage that one picks up from personal, family connections that you want to filter out for your kid. And then there’s the rest of the world — you want to be optimistic for the future, but if you’ve looked at history and are paying any attention at all to how things are going now, it’s a tough prospect. Really, about all I can do is stay alert and keep a sense of humor!

If you spend sometime with the comic (click on this link -  versus squinting at the picture above), thinking you will nod appreciatively and knowingly as I did.  "All the Ghosts of History, Tradition & Religion; our bodies and the needy organs that we worry about daily (we can't see them but they demand and complain!); finally the crap that rattles around in our heads - worry over sagging boobs or testicles, thinning hair, sore joints, and negative thoughts about how we're perceived.  Such a legacy!  If you were an alien you'd reach the conclusion that being of the human race sucks!!!

So this thought that gives me comfort - this budding practice of mine? It's simply this. Happiness comes from aligning your actions and behavior to your heart's desires. What this means to me is being present in the day, making sure that what I'm doing at any given moment is in synch with my core self and eschewing activities that create internal discord.  Simple, right?  It is. Hard, right? It can be.

Challenge today could be checking in with yourself several times today - a body check of sorts. When you're cruising the Internet you might ask yourself, "Is this what I should be doing right now?" Maybe the answer is yes, maybe no. When you open the frig and weigh your options for lunch you could ask yourself, "What choices support my heart's desire for beauty and health?" When you feel like lashing out at the stupid cashier at the gas station perhaps, "Is expressing my frustration in synch with my belief and need to treat people compassionately?" And, of course, we're not perfect but think about the benefit to ourselves if we could develop that kind of heightened awareness and walk our own walk, minute by minute, day by day.  There would be no need for anxiety art! At any given moment we would be exactly where we should be, doing exactly what we should be doing!

Peace,
Sarah

Chicago Cabaret Professionals/Aisha Believix

Monday again! Darker these days but still getting up at six and gloomy today - it's been so rainy here in Chicago. Highlights of the weekend were Chicago Cabaret Professionals annual gala and seeing all the great singers including my own teacher Spider Saloff who received an award as well as the amazing Marilyn May who was also feted. She is amazing, in her early '80's, and there she was up on stage strutting her stuff complete with chorus line kicking! Her voice is rich and nuanced and her high big notes are still there in full force! And her sense of timing? - Impeccable. What an inspiration! These days I'm greatly inspired by a bunch of older gals from Adrienne, my new friend I've been hanging out with. She is up there in age but fun and hip and really active. Friend Linda who I met on the dog beach is also older than me but her schedule makes me look like a slacker. Used to be leery of older people - as if their agedness would rub off on me and cause me to prematurely age! These days they're not the enemy - the ones who are living life fully like Marilyn May are my roadmap. Getting old doesn't have to be ugly and grim!!

Other highlights were breakfast with Lucas (Liza) - she and I have carved out Sunday mornings as our only face time now that she spends four days out of the week in Urbana (where Henry's new school is). What I continue to love about Liza is that she always does the right thing without undue hand wringing. At the end of the summer, the noose started to tighten and she was all but boxed in, evaluating her options for Henry. She knew he couldn't return to the same anemic program he was in. With the implants he can hear now but none of it makes any sense to him, having been profoundly deaf since he was six months. It will take a skilled group of professionals years to get him caught up. At the old school, the plan was for him to be taught by two teachers, one with a heavy Indian accent and the other profoundly deaf herself with a deaf person's garbled voice.  Liza surveyed the landscape, quickly researched all the other programs, found one she liked and applied, but Henry was turned down because he is so far behind other kids who were implanted at a much earlier age. She considered home schooling him and getting quickly up to speed on deaf pedagogy, she looked for a private tutor and more. None of the options were viable. That's when the rest of us would have resigned ourselves to the lesser evil of the choices. Not Liza - she widened her net and found the program in Urbana, did a big gulp and a leap of faith (somehow the universe would provide the funding) and decided to do the heroic thing which is move she and Henry down there four days a week for the next 2-3 years.

Sunday, she told me, laughing, about the room she's staying in, in a Jewish orthodox center. It is occupied on the weekends and is full of someone else's stuff. Her and Henry's belongings are stowed in a corner of the room and they sleep together on someone else's bed. She has no use of the kitchen so each day she takes him to the grocery store and buys something frozen and heats it up in the microwave in the store's little dining area and, while Henry is in school, she searches for a job or reads in the grocery store.

Other weekend highlight was making Mei's halloween costume yesterday. Anna was in tears over the whole ordeal but we made short work of it. She is a fairy and not just any fairy - something about Aisha who is a Believix - or something like that - TV show. Halloween crisis averted.

Today, I'm thinking a lot about grace - deep realizations over the weekend. I have to be a little coy in talking about the inspiration for my revelations because I don't want to hurt someone's feelings, so I'll speak in generalities. I have a friend who is deeply unhappy but who is amazing in a lot of ways and has so much to offer. He is caring, sensitive, deep and very talented. There is another side of him that, to my eye, doesn't serve him well. He flits from woman to woman seemingly insatiable, not finding what his heart tells him must be out there. I mention him because I'm grateful for the lesson observing him has brought me.

What I would tell him, if I knew him better and could be truly candid, is that he's leading an inauthentic life. His actions and behaviors are not in line with what his heart desires. What's worse is that, if his soulmate found him in his present state, she would be repelled by what she saw - she would run from him. His dance card is so fully of unfulfilling distracting relationships there would be no room for the real deal if she were to make an appearance in his life. Somewhere in his gut he knows this - knows he is running from intimacy. Thinking he might be terrified of the thought of giving his heart to someone worthy. And that's where the inauthenticity comes in - when your actions and behaviors don't align to what you really need. You make do, you justify and rationalize but inside you there are clashing Titans battling it out. Forces of good and evil, lightness and dark, two discordant songs playing in your head.  Crazy making and the stuff of suffering.

The lesson for me here? It's percolating. I look at him critically (it's so easy to see faults in other people!) and wish for him grace and patience. I want to tell him to stop being a player, to stop using people, to stop measuring his worth from the notches on his belt, to just stop it all and focus on other things in his life. Clear an attractive space for something new to grow. Till his garden, plant some seeds and then just WAIT. Pot calling the kettle black, right? Thinking I'm guilty as charged. Sarah, the femme fatale, the taker of lovers, the coquette. My behavior does not support my dream of finding someone really nice and relaxing into a trusting, rewarding relationship with him. All the therapy, the writing, even the singing share the same desire for experiencing intimacy and being authentic which is one of the scariest things we do. I understand why so many of us distract ourselves from it.

Challenge today could be asking yourself about the quality of your relationships. Are you moving towards or away from intimacy with the people in your life?  Are you running in place, distracting yourself from the fact that you're absolutely terrified for people to know you as you really are? Are you afraid that, once you lower your defenses, they will leave you?

Peace,
Sarah

Cherokee Faux Pas/NaNoWriMo???

Friday! Full day ahead. This blog, work, progress on the house (the 1,000 book project is almost done!), Anna and Mei coming over late afternoon with the costume emergency and tonight Schaller's with a good sized group. Christ has been practicing (guitar) to accompany me on a bunch of my songs.Very cool to sing with a piano (Bobby), trumpet/sax (Pete) and now guitar (Christ) combo. Listening to Carla Bruni again - she is amazing, former first lady of France, former model, songwriter, actress, incredible chanteuse. I ordered her songbook and plan to work up some of her songs - people like it when I sing in French. Lately I've been singing Autumn Leaves in French which is apropos to the season. Makes me sad though and I have to fight tears especially when I get to the line that translates, "Since you went away, the days grow long, and soon I'll hear old winter's song."

Oh, my - what to say about the date. I could take the high road and say nothing which would probably be the Landmark extraordinary thing to do. Or, I could go for the entertainment value and tell you everything I hated at the expense of my date, hoping I never forget and give him the URL for this blog. Friend who says, "Don't use my name!" says I should keep dating for no other reason that it's fun to write about. But that's not the point, right? My dates shouldn't be cannon fodder to feed my creative muses's big guns.

So, the good with the not so good. Knew it was him right away when I walked up to the restaurant. He was huge with gray hair past his waist. He looked like an overgrown school boy with cargo shorts a loud t-shirt, a beanie of a hat and a backpack slung over his back. I on the other hand was dressed to the nines from head to toe. Oh, and he wore a colorful choker necklace! Wasn't so bad when we sat down, cuz I didn't have to look at the shorts and much of the t-shirt was obscured, the hat and backpack were removed. And he wasn't a bad looking man, almost pleasant. "I can do this," I said to myself and resolved to just surrender to the moment and dig deeper.

What unfolded was the story of a complicated man who finds himself approaching sixty without a lot of accomplishment under his belt despite the fact that he has his PhD in psychology. He was vague when I asked him why he was underemployed (didn't put it that way), just working part time, teaching some administrative courses to people in labor unions. He was opinionated when I discussed my therapy with Kaveh, snorting at the Fruedians of which Kaveh is proudly one. He talked incessantly - I listened. And I apparently committed a faux pas when I asked him what % Cherokee he is. He gently corrected me, telling me that you must never ask that question of a Cherokee. Apparently there are few full blooded Indians left in the U.S. so, as long as you can trace yourself back to one, no matter how insignificant the connection, you can be admitted into the Indian nation. He wasn't raised as an Indian (his father eschewed any Indian roots) so Wade had to reach back to previous generations to find the connection and submit his application. Now he wears angry Indian t-shirts, wears his hair long in solidarity, won't celebrate Thanksgiving, and identifies fully with the Indian plight. When I described my job, he told me he thought telecommunications should be nationalized with almost everything else. When the bill came, I paid more than half because he is broke. We parted ways and he took the "L" back to Hyde Park because he doesn't own a car.

Feeling like a shallow schmuck for caring about stuff like car ownership, proper dress, manicured hair, a good job. The guy is smart. He is available. I'm alone. Maybe I think too much of myself and he is what I should settle for. Oh, and did I mention he drinks lots of whiskey? I remember, I wasn't all that impressed with Patrick when we met, even on date#2. But, I gave him a chance and quickly fell in love. He wasn't perfect either. My friend who has a list of observations about every ethnic group, said in a way that cracked me up, "This joker should be standing on the side of a highway with a tear running down his face!"

On another note, seems my silly writing about Miss Regina's Finishing School might have been better than I thought. Loved Carol's comment and I also got a text from writer, Phil who thinks I should run with it. Talked with Carol yesterday and she had some great angles for the story that included things like the climate crisis, hive collapse, queen bees who are traditional enemies having to work together in crisis. And Phil, who has a crush on me, sees it as a venue for my erotic writing. So, toying with the idea of NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month) which starts in a few weeks. It's an electronic event where writers the world over commit to writing no less than 50,000 words in the month of November (equates to 1,666 words a day). I got halfway through the month last year and, when I fell behind, had to decide if I was going to scrap everything else I cared about to catch up or ditch the project  (I ditched). It would be a challenge to write the daily quota AND do this blog every day. The blog comes first so we'll see.

Rambly today - nothing profound to write about. I'm deliberately taking a break from the scientific writing cuz I'm afraid some of you are finding it difficult or offputting. I might write a bonus posting this weekend in an effort to wrap up the subject of reality. And I'm barely keeping up with New Scientist - since the reality series there are breakthroughs to talk about with memory that we should discuss!

Challenge today is checking out my new friend, Josefien (I spelled her name wrong before!). She sent me the link to her website where she sells her personalized art. Do you remember her? She's the gal I met on the street outside the liquor store who I brought back to my house cuz she needed stamps. Turns out she is not only an incredibly gifted professional singer but she is also an amazing artist. I adore her art and aspire to get one for my office wall which I've left deliberately blank until something speaks to me. Here is the URL to her site. www.commemorationpaintings.com.

Peace,
Sarah

Picture is one of Josefien's paintings.

Miss Regina's Finishing School/Subjugating Drones

Thursday and Welfare Sewing most of the day at the Women's Club - it's a once a month thing where we make layettes for newborns, alter clothes for disfigured veterans and make breast inserts and chemo pillows for cancer patients. It's a peaceful and gratifying way to spend the day among interesting busy bee women who are industrious but who make time to chat and share.

Last night the writing group and I led the prompts. I wasn't thrilled with either my prompts or what I wrote but it is what it is. The first prompt was a collage of pictures that included an image of honeycomb, two lovers making out, and a book on strategy. Thinking I didn't pace myself well because the piece rambles along until the two minute warning (we got 20 minutes to write) and then I had to wrap everything up in just a few sentences:

"Where are the boys?" asked Fern. She directed her question to her new friend Ajax whom she had met just minutes earlier while they waited with about 500 other students - waiting for the honeycombed gates to open.  Miss Regina's Finishing School was located at the end of nowhere. A train, two buses and a long cab ride brought Fern to the edge of a meadow of wildflowers. 

"This can't be right!" she said alarmed. 

"Is this your first year/" the cabdriver asked in a barely audible voice that sounded like rustling grass. 

"Yes, I'm looking for Miss Regina's Finishing School. I thought I said that back at the station!" 

"It's there - look harder," he offered 

Fern squinted against the noon-time sun. Amidst the flowers and tall grasses an amber dome melted into the landscape - a strange structure that looked to Fern like it had heaved out of the earth, tentatively deciding whether or not it really wanted to be there or whether it just might decide to lower itself back into the prairie. 

And it was then that Fern noticed the others, girls like herself being dropped off in cabs by drivers who looked almost identical to her own cabbie. Some of the girls ventured ahead, pulling, with difficulty, their wheeled suitcases through the high unyielding grasses. 

"This is fucking whack," a voice ahead of her said to no one in particular. The voice had come from a girl so strange Fern almost lost her balance staring at her. Skunk striped hair that fell straight to the back of her knees and skin as white as milk captivated Fern. And her eyes glowed red with anger as she tugged her bag over hillocks. When she stopped to dislodge the luggage from a mole hole, she spied curious Fern. 

"Hey there - can you help me?" Fern dropped the handle of her own bag and helped the strange creature. 

"My name is Ajax," the girl offered. 

"Fern," said Fern. 

As they approached the dome, the question, "Where are the boys?"  On all sides of them teemed girls their age - all out of breath from dragging their belongings. 

"Honey there ain't any boys - what did they tell you?"  Ajax look amused. 

"Not much," Fern admitted. 

"Well then, you're in for a surprise," said Ajax. "This ain't no ordinary finishing school! You have arrived at Miss Regina's hive. You, my dahlin', are in training to be a queen bee - strategies of seduction, drone subjugation, mind blowing techniques to get any man to do your bidding. Miss Regina guarantees it - she says we will rule the world someday. Whatcha think of that!!!???

And that's all for today, cuz I've got lemon squares in the oven that I'm bringing to the club and I have to lug my sewing machine to the car, get gas and stop at Vogue Fabrics for ballpoint sewing machine needles.  Challenge today could be making some great plans for the weekend.  It's almost here!

Peace,
Sarah

Is Matter Real?/Sarah Might Win the Bet

Wednesday and the day is already hopping. Working on a large opportunity that needs finessing. And tonight I have to choose between the writing group or a pitch meeting at the Women's Club where members pitch ideas for songs to be included in their Spring show. Fun to have choices! And, I might yet win that bet with Josh!  Thursday a date with Wade from the Internet dating site. Soooo many red flags but they say insanity is doing the same things you've always done, expecting a different outcome. My fussiness has left me dateless (is it unreasonable to require my date be impossibly handsome, over 6', a Marine or Navy Seal, have his PhD, be professionally successful, be a genius, have his undergrad in literature so we can read to each other, love games, have a wicked sense of humor, be manly and brave, have run with the bulls in Pamplona, be a great writer, a devoted family man and a faithful lover?) So Wade. He has waist length hair (honoring his Cherokee roots), he does have his PhD in psychology, but he is not successful and alluded to his only interest in marriage if he met a wealthy woman or one with health insurance (red flag!!!), his politics are to the left of left (he was an organizer of the anti-NATO demonstrations this last summer), and he likes heavy metal (doesn't care for Burt Bacharach!).  Hmmm....what do we think? Stay tuned.

OK, so the next reality article is entitled Reality: Is Matter Real?  This one is tricky to understand and I'm not  fully embracing all the concepts but let me take a stab at it. Or just skip all of this and read the article for yourself (warning: your head will hurt!).

Experiment: you'll need a lamp, a projection screen and pieces of cardboard with holes of various sizes. If you shine the lamp at the screen with the cardboard in between, you will see a patch of light projected on the screen commensurate with the size of the hole in the cardboard. Repeat the experiment with pieces of cardboard with successively smaller holes and eventually, instead of a patch of light on the screen, you will see a light pattern that looks like a bulls-eye - this is called the Airy pattern and it's what happens when you force a wave of light through a hole.  Nothing mind shattering with this observation.

But step up the experiment a bit and replace the projection screen with a plate of glass coated with phosphor  and replace the lamp with a device that shoots electrons. When electrons hit the glass it lights up, allowing the observer to track where the electrons hit. The result is the same - the Airy pattern.  Peculiar though because electrons are particles located at precise points yet they are behaving like waves that that can "smear out across space, are divisible and merge into one another when they meet."

Take the experiment further.  Slow everything down so that you are shooting, out of the electron gun, JUST one electron at a time. The phosphorus screen lights up where the single electron hits the screen. One would expect a random assortment of hits (or I guess we should expect the electron to hit in the same spot every time.)  But no!  If you let this set up run for a while - one electron at a time hitting the screen, guess what happens? The Airy pattern! How the heck did the single electron know where to land vis-a-vis its counterparts who laid down their dot before them? Electrons do not have consciousness - they do not communicate with one another!

The article goes on to explain this difficult concept (wave particle duality of quantum mechanics) as a strange behavior that is widely observable. It seems there is a point where these particles make a transition between acting like a wave and becoming a spatially located object. "What exactly happens when the wave function collapses - when among the countless possibilities, where the particle could be at any moment, one is chosen, while all the others are rejected?"

And this is where it gets weird. What if you aren't in the same room as the experiment but have a camera set up to observe the experiment and transfer the image digitally to your computer?  "What reason is there to believe that the switch from probability wave to particle actually occurred on the phospor screen and not in the camera? Or maybe the switch actually occurred neither on the screen nor in the camera, but in your eyes!  Or maybe not your eyes, but your brain!

This ever-expanding chain is called the von Neumann chain, after the physicist and mathematician John von Neumann. One of his Princeton University colleagues, Eugene Wigner made a suggestion as to where to make the cut. As we follow the von Neumann chain upwards, the first entity we encounter that is not made up in any straightforward fashion out of pieces of matter is the consciousness of the observer. We might therefore want to say that when consciousness enters the picture, the wave function collapses and the probability wave turns into a particle....the idea that consciousness brings every day reality into existence is, of course, deeply strange.

What I'm hoping you're starting to understand is that there are credible theories that it's human consciousness that imparts reality. Reality, it's postulated,  is created in our brains - it is a useful illusion. Remember, it was Einstein who said, "Reality is an illusion, albeit a persistent one." When I talked with Wade (my Thursday date) about this, he coincidentally said, "When I kick a chair, it's real!" (How weird for him to have said, given that yesterday, I used the example of kicking a rock!)

Where I'm headed with this discussion is uncovering a better way for us to live. If we take this journey of understanding together and reach the conclusion that reality is a construct of our brains (consciousness), then we should come to realize that any limitations we may feel in our lives are also artificial constraints. Conceivably, the sky's the limit - we should be able to imagine flying and be able to fly! Or, in the absence of anything quite so dramatic, we should at a minimum, be able to detach, in a healthy way, from the limitations imposed by our reality lens and get crazy with possibilities. We could be the rare subset of the population who "gets it" - released from artificially, self-induced restraints. Picture us as beings who float above the rest of humanity with love, humor, intelligence and freedom from suffering! Totally serious - this line of thinking is challenging but potentially so liberating.

Peace,
Sarah