Thursday, August 18, 2011
Sexy=Self Care/Wish I Were an Oyster
I think I need Mr. Alexander more than I thought - you know the guy who wrote Mr. Alexander's Four Steps to Love. Last we visited the topic, I had made THE LIST of all the attributes I want in a mate. I still haven't sent it out to sea in a glass bottle, or attached it to a helium balloon. I think I need a bit of ceremony to launch that list into the universe - maybe this weekend. Step #2 is inhabiting my body in an attractive way. I think that, despite my excess weight, I present myself in a sexy and confident way....I have a loving relationship with my body these days. I treat it well and it is very happy with me and rewards me with off-the-chart healthy statistics when I go to the doctor, abundant energy and a good libido.
And yet.....when I went to sing last night, I ran into my friend Janet, who I hadn't seen since my birthday party. The minute she saw me come in, she knew I had broken up with Patrick, just by looking at me. She said I exuded such sadness that she was sure the relationship was over. James, who I dragged along, confirmed that these days, I have lost the spring in my step. He says I walk slowly and sadly, looking at my feet, shoulders stooped - in contrast to the "I'm hot shit" attitude I conveyed pre-Patrick. This will NOT do! I didn't know my heartbreak had visibly changed me! I didn't know I look broken.
You know what's sexy? - people who are taking care of themselves. I've ranted about this before and made myself annoying to some of my friends who don't understand why they can't move forward and why they can't attract others. If I have a "type" it's really pretty simple - a man who is taking care of himself. Conversely, when I see a man smoking or hugely overweight, or eating fried foods, or drinking too much, or whining about the same shit they've complained about for years but refuse to change, or when I learn they haven't been to the doctor in years, or filed taxes, or done anything to nurture their passions - it's a huge turn off. People who are firing on all cylinders, who are successfully juggling their fitness, relationships, health, finances, career, friends, hobbies, community, and who are passionate and curious are intoxicating....and attractive.
There are men I am close to who would be woman magnets if they would just do some hard work on themselves - if they would stop looking for a woman to complete them and take stock, make a list of what "home improvements" they need to do and get busy with the renovations. One man desperately needs therapy - his alcoholic mother is still pulling strings and he dances to her commands even though he cut off ties with her years ago. Another friend is lazy and won't get off his butt to do the hard work he needs to do to be fit and vital. Two other friends of mine are stuck in unsatisfying relationships that bring them no joy and yet they will probably never leave them...they are, in my opinion, cowardly. Ah....Sarah is being judgmental today!.
So of course, this brings me back to myself. I used to be sexy....it was a state of mind. I was firing on all cylinders, taking care of myself on all fronts - and it showed. I was the flame and moths danced around me...lots of moths that I mostly ignored. Then someone came along and broke down my defenses....he moved into my head and my heart and for a while I experienced a joy that had eluded me my entire life. And while I was blissfully happy, I worried - I suspected it would end badly. I look back into my journal and I read: "And oh..who knows what may happen. How will this end? Is there tragedy in my future with him? …maybe but I don’t care. I am loving this moment, this time, being adored, being in his arms, and I will trade my future happiness for this time with him." I bargained badly for what ended up being only a sliver of happiness. And sure enough it did end badly - he left and I am not the same....it wasn't worth it. I want my old self back. It WASN'T better to have loved and lost than never to have loved. This whole love thing is a mother fucker....it has the ability to destroy us, to kick us to the curb. I hate and resent it.
Barbara Steisand had it right when she was presented for the first time with the song, People Who Need People. She sang it and said this is the stupidest song I've ever heard....it's people who DON'T need people who are the luckiest people in the world. She sang it under protest and it went on to be a huge hit. I think being a human being is torture....we are born with an innate need for others and yet it is others who make us so unhappy and who can destroy our spirit. If we could just be autonomous, self contained, like oysters who impregnate themselves, if we only had ourselves to take care of, it would be such a relief.
So I'm pissed. He walked off with my heart, said he didn't want me and yet he kept my heart as a souvenir. I have nothing to show for our relationship - not one picture of us together, no keepsakes, no heartfelt writings, nothing. He on the other hand has my heart. I want it back.
My challenge today is to think about taking care of yourself - making a list of the stupid things you are doing that are holding you back and that make you less attractive to other people. If you know you should quit smoking then have the balls to just do it - be a "man"!! If you have high cholesterol, then WTF!, why are you eating french fries and burgers? If you need to exercise, then JUST DO IT. If you are an emotional mess, then swallow your fears and find a therapist and put that work behind you. Make a list. Work the list. Life is not a dress rehearsal. As for me? Putting one foot in front of the other, living with a fucking hole in my chest where my heart used to be - without blood, my veins are full of tears, but not giving up, ever. And today, I will stop looking at my feet and walk with purpose with my head up and look people in their eyes even though they may be a heart thief - disguised as a lover.
PS. Picture is of a "female" oyster impregnating herself with her own sperm.