Saturday Josh stood me up! We had a firm, well planned date for Saturday. I won the dating bet so he was to take me to dinner and then a movie back at his apartment - we even had the movie selected. Saturday evening when I asked him for ETA, he informed me he was out on a date! Not OK for two reasons. I think most of us agree that if you have plans with someone, you should honor them, even if a better offer comes along - he should have told his date he was busy Saturday and made alternative plans. Second, he never even bothered to tell me so that I could launch my own Plan B! Luckily there was a neighborhood party I knew about and then James came over late for chatting (we got passed the difficulties we had). Sunday Liza for breakfast. She is obsessed and freaking out that her new weekday abode in Urbana is infested with mice. I've never seen her so plussed (isn't that the opposite of nonplussed?). Rest of the day work on my books for my accountant. IRS deadline this week.
What I'm thinking about today is completion. It was the theme of the last Landmark "Being Extraordinary" seminar on Thursday. Many of us do a really poor job of practicing, honoring, recognizing, celebrating "complete". Wow, that really struck a chord with me! Brought tears to my eyes when I thought of the difficult good-byes I've been doing a poor job with. It's all about loss, right? Being complete is saying a final good-bye to something or someone. It's a hard demarcation point between the past, the present and of course, the future. I think it's even relegating that person or thing to a different part of your brain. Thinking organ transplant where a surgeon carries a beating heart from one chest and places it in another. Maybe being complete with someone is figuratively doing the same thing - gently lifting them out of the front part of your brain where life is active, where you spend most of your day and gently placing them in the long term memory capsule.
The song, Always Something There to Remind Me. I sing it all the time. Patrick of course. Talked with James about him on Saturday. Without tears I told him that every single day there are probably no less than fifty times something will remind him of me. Stupid stuff like:
- dirty dishes in the sink left for later. He told me it was his bachelor tip to put water in them so they'd be easier to clean later. So adorable, as if that's something only bachelors do.
- Extracting the last bit of toothpaste from the tube and his method for using the edge of the counter to push it up.
- Looking through my music book and seeing the sheet music for "I Will Always Love You." When we broke up he sent me the YouTube link and the lyrics.
- The voice mail from January 12th at 5:52AM in the morning that I listen to every week to resave it.
- Tomatoes - he hated them. When I cut a tomato I think of him.
- A pink shirt he liked
- Pumping gas and entering my debit card as a credit card to avoid a surcharge - always using regular gas cuz he said to.
- Joey. He is named after Patrick's middle name. Shay calls him Joseph which makes me think of him more.
- Anything Irish
- The three words in the English language that begin with "dw"
- more more more more more more more more more
Liza and I talked about what animates us. Told her how hard it is to be content with an empty space - how it's hard to find peace there. Mastering that would be an amazing skill - learning to dwell (that's a "dw" word!) right in that clearing, like you're the only person left in the world - picture yourself in a field, naked under the stars, reaching for the heavens. Blissful, alone, content, the past in the past, the future unscripted. Present. Complete. Liza is animated by her children - not much else. I'm animated by singing, writing and Patrick. Not much else.
Challenge today. What animates you? Are you good with it or is there something inhabiting the front part of your brain that needs to be relocated to create an empty space for something new?