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Thursday, January 31, 2013

Blind Date/Delusional?

Thursday and time to plan the weekend. If you're a singleton like me, weekends can sneak up on you in a very lonely way! Today, taking Una (klatching neighbor) to my favorite health food restaurant for a birthday lunch. Josh over tonight for dinner and talk. Tomorrow probably piano bar and Saturday, oh dear, no plans for Saturday AGAIN! Will remedy that today. Sunday, Super Bowl party at Saleem's.

Last night's date was pleasant. Jerry met me at the piano bar which was my home turf advantage. We had a good time and he loved the music and the professionalism of the singers of which I was one. Very handsome, that one, but with physical issues from a motorcycle accident when he was 40. Hardest thing for him is that he lost his vision in his left eye and only has about 10% vision in the right. What I like is that it doesn't seem to slow him down (doubt that anyone last night realized he's legally blind) and he doesn't conduct himself like a victim - no pity party. It was a nice time.

Today, the word delusion is on my mind. I'm worried I might be delusional. Getting some feedback that I might be. I also saw an amazing movie on my IPad called, Lars and the Real Girl.  It should have been strange but it was touching and dear. A very damaged and lonely man whose mother died in childbirth, was raised by his heart-broken and emotionally disturbed father and now finds himself longing for connection but unable to bear the touch of another human being. He orders a life size doll (anatomically correct). Names her Bianca. Everyone in the little town he lives in embraces Bianca and plays along that she is really real. Bianca is a blessing. Though inanimate, she heals Lars, cleaves him to the people who love him and who reach out to him with tenderness. When he no longer needs her, he announces her illness (and subsequent death). By then he has made real human connections.

He was delusional - absolutely thought Bianca was real - fussed over her every need and grieved for her when she died. I think Liza and others think I'm delusional when it comes to Patrick. I haven't spoken with him since last May. He has only communicated with me a handful of times since then - most recently a sweet Christmas greeting. He doesn't respond to my communication. I'm not his Facebook friend and he has all but ceased posting anything to his publicly view-able pages so I'm in the dark as to what he is up to these days. These are the facts and I am not delusional about the facts - I can look at them dispassionately and assess the situation exactly as Liza does. The relationship is over....we don't even have a friendship...he doesn't want me in his life in any capacity. He no longer loves me, even a little bit.

So where does the delusion come in? I swear the body doesn't have just one brain. Actually a side bar to this discussion is a fascinating article I read in New Scientist entitled,  Gut Instinct - Alimentary Thinking. Seems our gut has its own information processing capabilities completely separate from the brain!

..the real culprit may not be the brain in your skull but your other brain. Yes that's right, your other brain. Your body contains a separate nervous system that is so complex it has been dubbed the second brain. It comprises an estimated 500 million neurons - about five times as many as in the brain of a rat - and is around 9 meters long, stretching from your esophagus to your anus. It is this brain that could be responsible for your craving under stress for crisps, chocolate and cookies...it can work both independently of, and in conjunction with, the brain in your head and although you are not conscious of your gut "thinking, the ENS (enteric nervous system) helps you sense environmental threats, and then influences your response. "A lot of the information that the gut send to the brain affects well-being, and doesn't even come to consciousness," says Michael Gershon at Columbia -Presbyterian Medical Center, New York.

Do you ever feel like two people? One, rational and measured, capable of assessing a situation accurately and making proper decisions - the other "person" a stranger, acting and reacting to stimuli and events in some kind of primordial way that has no basis in fact? Do you ever find yourself doing or feeling something that is inexplicable and mysterious as to its origin? For me, it really IS like there is this shadow being lurking inside of me who wants no part of facts and figures, who lives on a diet of raw emotion, who mostly stays in the background (shy?), but who is ever vigilant and powerful in her own non-verbal way, always monitoring the pulse of my (her) life, looking out for her own interests, intent on staying alive. And her "brain", it's other....not the active, reasonable, rational brain who runs the day-to-day show. Her brain is content to hum in the background, content to be white noise, but in its own way just as active. It's her brain that asserts itself in quiet moments of contemplation, who counsels to ignore facts and listen instead to her, who says, "Never give up hope". She preaches magic and the stories of children. If I'm open to her, listen to her voice, not shut her down with rationality, does that make me delusional?

I still love the guy...his birthday is in a few weeks. Told him (e-mail) I would, like last year, make him a birthday cake and drop it off. Asked him to take me out for my birthday (May) like he did last year, even though we were broken up by then. I'm torn because the two voices are battling it out. I know the rational thing is to stare at the hard cold facts and surrender to them, but I can't shut up the other voice that tells me to hold onto the feelings of love and never give up hope. It's hard. Friends, please don't tell me I'm being a crazy stalker to give him a birthday cake (it hurts to hear things like that). For God's sake, it's a birthday cake, not a rabbit in a pot. And please don't tell me to just get over him (if it were that simple, I would have by now). Just be there for me with fun and laughter and accept me for the complicated, dualistic person I am.

Wow, I didn't intend to write about this today! Was going to write about an article regarding weight loss friend Carol sent over (tomorrow). Challenge today could be renting that movie, "Lars and the Real Girl". Also think about that word, "delusion". Definition, "a belief held in evidence to the contrary". I'm wondering if sometimes delusions take up residence for a reason - there is some kind of work and healing to be done. Bianca was a delusion that healed. Are all delusions a bad thing?


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