I've missed writing this. And people have missed reading it. I was surprised and pleased to know that it had value to some. So maybe I pick up where I left off - but better? And this time I think, shorter, less of a time commitment and less time to read.
Since October 1st, grim and grimmer but with flashes of fun and living well. Most recently I've taken the time to write to a friend each morning to crystallize my thoughts and challenges of the day. But I need to not lean on him anymore. And so dear reader, I hope you will be the recipient of my daily musings. It's important to know there is someone out "there".
This weekend I was profoundly alone and trying to get my arms around this whole being alone thing. Most everyone had hunkered down with the storm, in the bosom of their families, cozy and preoccupied. I tried not to take it personally that my overtures were ignored or overlooked - it's just a busy thing I know. And there are some of us who, I think, don't do very well with alone - harkens back to the panic and terror of being the one left standing in musical chairs - the shame of it! Alone I embraced aloneness, did the best I could with it, read, sang, dozed, played with animals, ate carbs, and then repeated that cycle over and over until I could go to bed without it being too early, without feeling like too much of a loser - a cycle that lasted Friday until this morning.
And I read the 2nd book in the Girl with the Dragon tattoo series, The Girl Who Played With Fire. It was either the wrong book for me to be reading in my alone state or the perfect book to be reading. Lisabeth Salander is a solitary, introverted character. She does alone better than anyone. She doesn't need anyone - she is a bad ass. This weekend she was my inspiration. By the time this morning pulled around, I was ready to start some military-style training, put on a hair shirt, pull up the draw bridge and dare anyone to enter my perimeter. I woke at 6AM and even though it was a wretched thought, I took a long lakefront walk with the dog, through puddles with boots that leaked. I willed myself to embrace the cold wet feet thing - Lisabeth Salander wouldn't have given two thoughts to the discomfort of being dragged through puddles by a dog eager to get to the beach. And at the beach, I stood apart from the bubbly dog owners who tried to draw me into conversation. Couldn't they see I was a commando in training, that making small talk was not on my agenda?
Home to an austere breakfast, coffee black because the calories in milk are unnecessary and I need to learn to shed creature comforts. Toast dry, a single egg with half the yolk thrown away. Perfectly and satisfactorily awful, in keeping with my stony existence. I only need to eat for fuel, the more basic the better.
But then an uncanny message written by someone I will never meet. The timing was eerie - as if someone knew exactly the words I needed to hear, knew that I was teetering on the edge of isolation - a heart freezing up. Years ago my friend Carol forwarded me a daily dharma message from a Buddhist website. I'm not a Buddhist but I liked the short daily messages and I've been getting them ever since. Many days I ignore them. Today this is what it said.
Whatever your difficulties—a devastated heart, financial loss, feeling assaulted by the conflicts around you, or a seemingly hopeless illness—you can always remember that you are free in every moment to set the compass of your heart to your highest intentions. In fact, the two things that you are always free to do—despite your circumstances—are to be present and to be willing to love.
And with that, I made a choice and this is what I wrote to my friend:
"I really needed to read that. My heart IS devastated by so many people these days. I guess it just comes with the territory of being a human, a mammal who needs others. I feel battered and bruised, like closing up shop and making Lisabeth Salander proud, but there is another side of me that says, “You did that before – you went 20 years without singing because singing touched your heart and you didn’t want your heart touched. You married a man who would do your bidding without ever loving him. You raised your kids to fear you because fear was more desirable than love. You needed no one. And then there was Kaveh who took an axe to your armor. And then there was Patrick who finished the job. So now what? Was it a mistake, to allow myself to be penetrated? Should I call it a failed experiment and go back to the way I was? Or, is there a 3rd alternative, some way of being that combines the discipline and control of the old Sarah with the vulnerability and sweetness of the new Sarah – a person who loves, but does so in moderation, who still has an iron will when she needs it – a person who doesn’t have to cling because she likes herself fine and isn’t worried about being alone. – a person who is less concerned with “I” and more motivated by confident curiosity of other people and the future?"
Today, I am grateful for everything. I am grateful to have survived such a lonely weekend. I am grateful to have had a friend to lean on. I am grateful for Lisabeth Salander even if she is a cautionary tale - there is still something to take away from that book - being focused and tough when necessary, having discipline - all good things. I'm grateful even for the pain because it means I am not numb.
Was this helpful to you at all? It's the time of year where the cold and grayness can beat down even the jolliest of us. So many of you are struggling with problems, health, finances, relatives, and more. The challenge of the day could be to go back and read that daily dharma and remind yourself that despite whatever your challenges are, you can always choose to set the compass of your heart to the best course - one in which you stay in the game, accept what you cannot change and keep your heart open, even if it's gushing blood all over the place.
Peace,
Sarah
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