Our old friend Monday today. How was your weekend? For me weekends are still hard and this one was no exception. Schaller's by myself Friday which was only a bit of fun because these days, it's a diet coke and a plain chicken sandwich which is not a hilarious way to spend a Friday night. Sat mostly by myself and sang mostly well. One thing worth noting is that, when I sing anything Burt Bacharach these days, people respond - clapping, swaying, singing along. Songs like Walk on By, Alfie, What Do You Get When You Fall In Love, The Look of Love, Do You Know The Way to San Jose, I Say a Little Prayer, Always Something There To Remind Me - all great songs right? So that got me to thinking. I've been thinking about doing a show at Davenports for a while now. I've had an idea percolating for a theme regarding the book Necessary Losses, tied into life's inevitable changes as well as the big weight loss (everyone loves a good weight loss story), but I won't be ready for that for a while, mostly because I want to finish the weight loss. So, how about an homage to Burt Bacharach show? People don't sing his music much, everyone loves it, it lends itself well to my voice, and I could get friends like Pam to sing with me - back up vocals, etc. Mark, my voice coach, thinks it's a great idea. Stay tuned - more to come on this.
Saturday, Lucas, Convex and I went to see Beat The Drum Slowly at the Raven Theater (love that little theater in Roger's Park!) It was very, very good - compelling, touching and really well acted. Sunday, friends Helen and Steve over for dinner which was nice. I made a wonderful Mediterranean shrimp thing with large perfectly cooked shrimp in a casserole of onion, garlic, heirloom tomatoes and topped with feta cheese and Italian parsley. That and a salad and we were happy campers! No dessert - everyone watches their weight these days.
But yeah, really sad these days. The whole astral cord unhooking thing just didn't hold - probably because at my core I"m kind of an unbeliever about that kind of thing - maybe if I'd been totally invested in the concept of energy fields between people I would have gotten more closure from the ritual. As it is, my heart still aches and I'm so damn sick and tired of being sad all the time. It absolutely stinks! Everyone around me is rejoicing in the summer. Mark from downstairs is going out salsa dancing almost every night. My girls are beaching it with regularity. Lucas is bopping here and there with her kids to art festivals, Great America, etc. Me? I am waiting for it to be over. There is too much happiness around me and the contrast between how I feel inside and the euphoria around me is hard to stomach.
Last night Helen got me to thinking. She was describing a recent event where a sister-in-law played a video of her being hypnotized when she was at a show in Las Vegas. 'Twas very funny because the hypnotist chose two women from the audience, convinced one that he was the most irresistible, sexy man on the planet and the other that he was repulsive. The sister-in-law was the one who found him irresistible. On the tape she made a fool of herself, throwing herself bodily at this man while she was under the spell. Apparently hypnosis really does work for the right people. What do you think about me getting hypnotized? Could work, right? I've been Googling things like "hypnosis for a broken heart".
Hypnosis for my broken heart, hmmmmm. Something to think about seriously. I want (I NEED) to be happy again - I have to think that sadness just isn't a healthy way of being - that dragging your heart around like ball on a chain has to have negative health consequences. I have concerns though. Do I want to feel indifferent to, or worse, hate him? It would seem to preclude our ever finding each other again. Do I want to live in a world without loving him? Just the thought brings me to tears. I think I feel a good book plot emerging - a great love, a heartbreak that consumes, a hypnotist, love replaced by aversion, regret on his part - a realization she was the real deal -that he needs her, his return, her rejection, tragedy.
And what about the singing? Would we love Billie Holiday so much if she hadn't been riddled with pain? How can I sing I Thought About You and make teenage boys cry if I'm only filled with apathy or revulsion? It's not a small decision to make and I don't know if it would work, but if it did, that would be it - kapoot. Patrick=yuck.
Funny thing - taught Joey to roll over onto his back with his paws in the air when I ask him, "Joey, would you rather be a Republican or a dead dog?" He's smart - it only took me about 15 minutes and lots of sharp cheddar to teach him the trick. Elizabeth has been showing him off all over town and everyone is loving the trick - she has no Republican friends, I'm guessing!
Sorry for being down today.....as soon as I'm done with this blog post, I'm going to make a happy list - the things I need to do every day to position my life in a happier way. I'll also make a cautionary list - things I need to avoid. Worried about the profusion of ready technology around me and my ability to resist it -remember I'm the one who has lived without computer or TV for years. Now that I've moved the office to the house, the technology is beckoning me and I recently broke down and signed up for NetFlix online and watched season one of Downton Abbey (loved it). I could easily, in my loneliness, just turn to media for companionship - it is calling me. I understand the pull - the TV thing is very seductive. Not sure I can resist. Gonna try.
Challenge today could be making your own happiness list along with the cautionary list - these are the things you need and must do every day to keep your balance and creative a fertile flowerbed for flowers to bloom. For me, the big things are: staying on my diet, exercising, not drinking, finding novelty, human connections, creativity. For you, it might be stuff like going to your AA meeting, getting to bed by 10PM, not eating fast food, not playing video games when you're lonely. Being happy, I think, is work.
Peace,
Sarah
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