Wednesday - 7:45AM, things are better today - they got really bad yesterday, but Victor to the rescue. And I'm sure you could feel the Sarah meltdown. It all got too much. It's that whole, "how the hell do you get from A to Z thing when everything in the universe seems designed to thwart you', thing. Mostly frustration over what should be a sweet, simple home office. AND if you could see it now, that's exactly what it is - a peaceful, spacious, well-appointed work space with everything tidily in its place. But yesterday? Oh, my!! The network guy who hooked all my gear up did a functional job - everything worked but it was all attached via a hornet's nest of cables.
And surprising how many devices one needs! This is what I have: desktop computer, keyboard, mouse, laser printer, scanner, color printer/fax, networked postage scale, Ethernet switch, Comcast router, two-line phone, Buffalo backup device, speakers, Cisco Wi-Fi. All of these things have their own power requirement and cabling and, before Victor came over, it was all in a jumbled spaghetti mess on the floor. And I lost it with Shay because the night before we worked on putting together a new piece of furniture to house much of the network stuff - a simple network table but when we opened the box there were 21 steps to put it together and enough parts to build a car. Funny how people operate differently in "put together" mode. I'm obsessively methodical, neat, a rule follower and as such, it might take me twice as long to get the job done but there are never any surprises - no parts left over at the end - everything perfect. I frustrated Shay with my methodical approach so at Step 9, I stopped micro-managing - we did it the Shay way which was fast, furious and on the fly. BUT, next morning, one critical piece had been assembled backwards and I just lost it - "God damn it! This kind of thing never happens to me!" I yelled. "If we just did it my way!"
With that, the meltdown started. I tried to battle the tangle of devices, tried to hold it together, tried not to just breakdown in tears. If I had had a gun I swear I would have pulled an Annie Oakley and started shooting holes in everything - "Take that you Linksys switch! Putting you out of your misery Comcast router!" After the Shay thing I did something truly bizarre. I didn't want to take my fury out on any innocents. I didn't want to be bitchy and berating even though I was full of fury. I drank a shot of vodka - right there in the middle of my kitchen, just threw it back. Now the reason this is really weird (and yes, troubling) is because that is just not me. A) I've never had a shot of any hard liquor in my entire life - I'm surprised I even found a shot glass because, while the idea of doing shots is kind of cool, it's not in my repertoire. B) I don't drink more than 1-3 glasses of wine a week these days so I haven't been turning to alcohol as a solution. C) I feel like there should be a C because it was just the weirdest thing to do and so out of character as if I was flailing around for some way to not put a bullet through my head.
Immediately afterwards, I texted Victor, "I seriously just drank a shot of vodka." "Stop immediately!" he replied. "I will," I promised. He ordered me to come get him. We stopped at the hardware store for cable taming devices. We got to the house and when he saw the mess he said, "Holy fuck! You weren't kidding! This is absolutely disgusting!" My regret is that we didn't take a picture of the rat's nest of equipment and cables. For the next 4-5 hours he instilled order and purpose to the office. Shay fixed the piece of furniture. Today everything is beautiful - once I get art on the walls I'll take a picture for the blog. Thinking Victor should make a side business of talking people off the ledge, working with clients to create a vision, spec'ing in components, optimizing the space, installing all the gear in the pristine way he does where every device, power supply, cord is labeled at every end. Call it Zen Home Office - or something like that! Let me know if you want his number.
Today I'm humbled by life, by the obstacles, by the need for help and friends. Yesterday was a bitch of a day and yet somehow things got sorted out. The vodka thing was my way of saying, "I'm in big trouble here. I can't do this alone." And good that I can be so open about it - I'm not ashamed of the action, just humbled by it - thinking we all do stupid, deliberately self destructive things like that once in a while. Kaveh would say, "Nothing human is alien."
Challenge today is to be as open as I have been when you're in trouble - you don't need to do something stupid like throw back a shot of liquor in the middle of the maelstrom or end up in the ER before your friends know you need them. You just need to know when you're in trouble and know it's OK to call in your posse. I'm toying with the concept of a "friend safe word" - a word you agree on ahead of time that stops the presses - that lets your friends know they need to stop whatever they're doing and rush to your side - that saying, "I'm having a bad day" is just not enough information sometimes. Yesterday Christ texted me, "I am having a crappy week." What do I do with that information? Is just sending text encouragement enough of a response, or should I be packing a picnic and taking it to him, or offering to roll up my sleeves and pitch in and do some body of work? Again, it's not enough information.
Safe word. - phrase. "I'm in trouble." If I write it here, or text you or call you and utter these words, please make me a priority. If you tell me the same, I will drop everything and rush to your side. Deal?
Peace,
Sarah
No comments:
Post a Comment