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So the dating thing...arg. A few noteworthy conversations:
- chatted (IM) at length with a really nice fellow, attractive, successful, interesting. We hit it off, and then....he told me what he was looking for - a woman with nice feet and hands. Sweet, right? NOT! He has a foot fetish! I didn't dismiss him out of hand, thought to myself, well, maybe I could indulge that requirement - I do, after all, get pedicures every three weeks and I always get a pretty little flower on each of my big toes that no one really sees or admires. Maybe my feet crave attention! See the depths I'm stooping to?! I'm actually considering foot fetish guy - hey I'm the one with a thing for Santa which someone else might think is weird!! :)
- Another guy got so excited about my profile that he wrote me a "book" and got so swept away that he had songs picked out for us to sing as duets (this was his first message! If we were younger he might have had names picked out for our kids!) He described himself as normally shy but there was something about me. Didn't post a picture and was coy when I asked him about it - either means he's unattractive or married, right? So, tucked into that tome of a response, were comments that raised flags for me: nostalgia about the past, the old price of gas, saying he wanted to sing but was loathe to just go out and do it, waxing poetic about the days he used to play guitar (hadn't picked it up in years). My response was cruel - told him I wasn't interested in a guy living in the past, told him I didn't want to be anyone's pilot light. OK, I was really, really mean to the point that, when Josh read my response, he shrieked, "You're a bitch!" I couldn't disagree. Why, oh why did I feel the need to decimate that poor, sweet, shy man. I wrote back and apologized. He confessed it had taken him a lot to reach out to me. In his words,
- PS--Any guy who sees what a diamond you are and has the courage to strike up a conversation--online or otherwise--is reaching for the brass ring. Gold? Well, maybe silver after that horrible personality shakedown you gave me...
- Josh is winning. He just texted me that it looks like he has a date. Grrrrr.....I absolutely hate losing.
Just read an interesting article in New Scientist entitled, What is This Thing Called Love: Mere Chemical Trickery. I knew it! I'm a drug addict! Patrick is meth. Here's an excerpt:
Young, who is arguably one of most prolific researchers in the social neuroscience field, plants his flag firmly: he argues that love is truly an addiction and one to which none of us are immune. He takes a reductionist approach, focusing on molecules like dopamine, oxytocin and vasopressin, and examining how these chemicals exploit ancient neurobiological circuits.
Some may feel uncomfortable when Young and Alexander claim that sex tricks women into "babysitting" the men they love - nurturing them as they would their own infants, thanks to the goodly amounts of oxytocin released during the sex act by men hitting the cervix with their large penises and playing with their breasts. Sceptics probably won't feel much better when Young and Alexander postulate that vasopressin helps men see their female partners as simply extensions of their territory.
Now, that I know that, I can beat this thing just like I did the alcohol thing. It's hard to give up an addiction, but not impossible - just requires a huge burst of willpower and then some sticktoitiveness. Eventually there is smooth sailing with even the stickiest of habits. Really! Remember that book, Willpower? There are exercises you can do to increase your willpower muscle.
Your challenge today is causing me to think hard - what the heck can you take away from Sarah's dating sharing/angst today? I guess it's giving thought to being in love as just a drug - nothing more. If you are married and looking askance at your spouse, wishing for romance, think again. You're really just wishing for your brain to be drugged with feel-good neurotransmitters. Probably less destabilizing for you and your spouse to get high together. Being in love is a bitch.
Peace,
Sarah
Oh Sarah, sweetie... (empathetic tone)
ReplyDeleteI love your blog, have been in the Landmark program and might have even been out with one or two of the men you have from the details you've given. I read your blog because I have many of the issues you do, and I so hear you in your (sometime mis-) adventures.
What tugs at my heart so much is your parade of men that you talk to. Online dating is such a crapshoot; you don't have the filters of community or interest you do normally, it's so hard. Ive learned so much, and here is what I want too share with you.
landmark teaches us authenticity and integrity. Most of all, it means being honest with ourselves and doing what we say. How can you dance with two men, or what would it take to get someone to whisk you away from patrick? Addictive relationships DO generate the same chemicals that cocaine addiction creates, so it's hard, but you have to have a clear dance card. But consider this. If a person is gone, you're not in love with the person as they are NOW, you're in love with them THEN. I was in love with a man for six years, then I saw him and saw he totally changed. I was crushed. I have someone now that isn't hot and heavy, but it seems sane.
Also, I hear you when you put on your list about weight and things like that. I've been around the world, the US is such a hard place to keep weight off at. But another thing to get a guy is to, if only for now, accept the way you are and pledge to become who you want to be. that's part of why you're in Landmark, right? And don't be afraid to show a couple warts in your profile. The right guy won't care.
And I keep reading things liek the James thing and lashing out at the dope smoker or NewPatrick or your daughter. I wish I could give you a hug when I see this, because you're just hurting, and it just means you're still searching to be whole. It's going to be a problem to keep a guy or let another one as wonderful as Patrick in until you give your inner child a hug, because that girl needs it. Have you ever looked at the processes in Dialectical behavior therapy? I'm not making any judgement, but it's done wonders for my dad, and he has the same sort of anger you seem to write about. He has a hurt boy inside, and it's helped him so much, and I feel like you might get angry when someone doesn't meet the image you want them to have. People rarely do.
One thing that I've done in my dating life is that I've come to understand that we are so completely different. Instead of finding this perfect person or Patrick2, what about someone who's attractive and fills a part of a life you need, and get the rest somewhere else? I found a guy, while he isn't a doctor or lawyer, he's solid, has a good heart, and understands my own addictions.
I don't know if I'll grow old with him, but he's so good for me, good where it counts, and I'm able to talk about the rest with my girl pals. I know we're in our 50's, but I know a couple that met in their 60's. You have time.
I'm sory if I went on too long or sound preachy, but I just felt like I had to say something. Your not a bad person, Sarah. Give yourself a hug, stop your dating race and be happy with yourself. When the guy comes is when you stop trying, remember?
Anyway, you sound like you're building new great things every day and moving forward so much! Kaveh would be proud!
This is such a nice post. I'm touched that you read my blog regularly and that you took the time to write. And I AM "building new great things every dy and moving forward so much"!! Big picture is that I love my life - wouldn't want to be anyone else - I continue to be amazed by what life is dishing up. The anger thing is a work in progress - these days I still flare when people hurt me but it's taking less and less time for me to flare down and mostly I clean up the messes I make. I'm blessed with friends who love me despite my flaws (and that is a big one).
ReplyDeleteHugs to you for writing,
Sarah