Did I hit bottom this weekend? It was certainly not Sarah's finest hour Saturday night. First dinner at my house with Victor and that was fine - nice. But then a drink with one of my suitors at Pete Miller's afterwards - a fellow I had never met but had talked with several times. I had already had two martinis under my belt when I met him and then a third. What a nice person he is - interesting, intelligent, kind, interested in me. In return, I regaled him with too many boastful stories, I lamented over Patrick and even showed him pictures of him, when I got e-mail notifications I checked my messages from other guys and joked about it. Maybe it was a twisted pay it forward thing after that awful date I had last week. Last night I was the date from hell. Later at home, the floodgates of tears broke open and I went through a half a roll of paper towels. I hadn't cried in a long time - thought I was over the tears part of the breakup but apparently I was just storing them up. Oh, and drunk texted Patrick volumes of weepy words. This morning when I woke up, I hated myself for everything that had transpired - my date cruelty, the fact that I'm pathetic, the drunken correspondence.
But tonight a better date.....Michael, really nice. Dinner at an Italian restaurant and I was mostly well behaved. He didn't rock my world but I didn't hate him which is a start. We sat and talked for four hours and now I'm at the office writing this blog just because it's a daily thing for me to do it and it's the one thing I have discipline about these days.
Good news on the Mother Manifesto thing - it's working...the chores are getting done. It's miraculous! And I'm loving my kids for stepping up. And tomorrow Victor at the office - we are going to demand accountability from each other - me in reinvigorating my work effort, he in his job search. We will shore each other up. That's a good thing.
I'm really tired. It's been an emotionally difficult weekend. Would it be OK if I cut this short tonight? I'm not feeling very inspirational - mostly mortified with my behavior this weekend. I don't like the person I'm morphing into. I am sorry Manny, Patrick and James too.
Not at peace,