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Sunday, September 18, 2011

Did I Hit Bottom?

Did I hit bottom this weekend?  It was certainly not Sarah's finest hour Saturday night.  First dinner at my house with Victor and that was fine - nice.  But then a drink with one of my suitors at Pete Miller's afterwards - a fellow I had never met but had talked with several times.   I had already had two martinis under my belt when I met him and then a third.  What a nice person he is - interesting, intelligent, kind, interested in me.   In return, I regaled him with too many boastful stories, I lamented over Patrick and even showed him pictures of him, when I got e-mail notifications I checked my messages from other guys and joked about it.  Maybe it was a twisted pay it forward thing after that awful date I had last week.  Last night I was the date from hell.  Later at home, the floodgates of tears broke open and I went through a half a roll of paper towels.   I hadn't cried in a long time - thought I was over the tears part of the breakup but apparently I was just storing them up.  Oh, and drunk texted Patrick volumes of weepy words.  This morning when I woke up, I hated myself for everything that had transpired - my date cruelty, the fact that I'm pathetic, the drunken correspondence.

But tonight a better date.....Michael, really nice.  Dinner at an Italian restaurant and I was mostly well behaved.  He didn't rock my world but I didn't hate him which is a start.  We sat and talked for four hours and now I'm at the office writing this blog just because it's a daily thing for me to do it and it's the one thing I have discipline about these days.

Good news on the Mother Manifesto thing - it's working...the chores are getting done.   It's miraculous!  And I'm loving my kids for stepping up.  And tomorrow Victor at the office - we are going to demand accountability from each other - me in reinvigorating my work effort, he in his job search.   We will shore each other up.  That's a good thing.

I'm really tired.  It's been an emotionally difficult weekend.  Would it be OK if I cut this short tonight? I'm not feeling very inspirational - mostly mortified with my behavior this weekend.  I don't like the person I'm morphing into.  I am sorry Manny, Patrick and James too.

Not at peace,

1 comment:

  1. The remedy might be to slow down and calm down instead of do too much, maybe some of it so intentional as to be forced and with too much frenzy. See these quotes:

    "When indigenous female elders do not know what to do, they wait. They do nothing. And they are completely relaxed and open and at ease within this timeless place of surrender and being. They wait, fully attuned with Mother Earth's timeless rhythm, until her vast wisdom reveals what is needed or what might or might not happen. For they are at one with the timeless mystery of life."

    Gandhi: 'When faced with a crisis, I meditate for an hour. When faced with a serious crisis, I meditate for two.'

    Susun Weed, the well-known herbalist, lists 6 levels of strategy for dealing with a health issue: Number 1 is: "Do nothing." In other words, let the body heal itself, in its own time.