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Thursday, September 29, 2011

A Not-So-Good Good-Bye/Godspeed

And the adventure called life continues....another day, another page.   October 1st is two days away and it breaks my heart to say that one child will stay and the other will have to go.   It truly breaks my heart...weeping. I'm left no choice...promises broken again, again, again, one more chance turns into one more chance turns into one more chance.   I am little more than an enabler creating a cozy nest of no accountability, addiction enabling, a place to be a perpetual child with no growth.   And yet...this decision is chilling.   Do you even know what I've done?   In my mind there is better than 50% I will be telling you of the death of my child - I'm not being dramatic when I say this.   If that happened I would suffer a loss so unspeakable it makes my current sadness a mere mosquito bite.   Frankly, I'm not sure I would survive the death of a child -  I don't think I would stick around.  I wish I could change places with her and give her my confidence and will (even in its tattered state).  Liza asked me yesterday if I would die for my child and without hesitation I said yes.  She agreed - she would do the same.  I am so sad ...I wish, I wish I could infuse her with what she needs to live a good and productive life.   I'm not religious but sometimes....please put her in your prayers.   Godspeed, my little one.  You've got to figure this out on your own.

I don't think I can write anything else today.   I'm too sad and scared.


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