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Friday, May 18, 2012

Three Lovers/Pig Roast


So there's a whole pig with a face being cooked in my backyard as I write. Tenant, Mario, is having a pig roast. I absolutely LOVE that my house is a commune. When my mother moved out, the two apartments on the first floor stayed vacant for almost a year as I searched for the perfect tenants. And while I needed the rental money, it was way more important to me that I could live harmoniously with the people inhabiting my home. So I placed an ad, interviewed tons of people, but thwarted all the would be tenants, either consciously or subconsciously. Looking back I admire my passivity about renting the space - not my typical results oriented approach.  It's as if my inner counsel was telling me to "just wait and you'll know it when it's right". One day, I got a call from a fellow moving back from Chicago who described himself as a personal trainer. As he talked about himself, I realized I knew him well.  "Mark, is this you?" I said. I had just sat with him at a party weeks before. Serendipity. He moved in and we have become dear friends who give each other space. The second apartment sat vacant for a good while after that, again waiting for just the right addition to the "family." Mark found Mario, another personal trainer, tatooist, in his '20's. They both have keys to my place, come and go, doing laundry, borrowing spices, using the ironing board. Most every week I cook for the entire house and we all commune. Today, a pig roast. Wonderful (except of course, for the pig!)

Reached an exciting and important decision today that's been brewing for a while. I've decided to take three lovers.  OK, you're laughing and it's an absurd thing to say (and to share), I agree, but maybe when I share my reasoning with you, you'll see the wisdom for Sarah. It's the whole "falling in love" thing. I'm glad I experienced it - it would have been a life regret to have never experienced the intoxicating euphoria of that experience. And there is a lot to be said about being in love: the cleaving of two hearts, the way your heart soars when you hear the special cell phone ring of your beloved, the exclusivity of making one person your focus, the feeling of being loved with intensity, knowing that you're the first thing your beloved thinks about when he wakes, who he calls when he comes up for air at work, the person he wants to talk to before going to bed - it's wonderful. And yet for everything good about it, there is a very dark side that's hard to manage - feelings of insecurity, unworthiness, jealousy for some, worry about the future, possessiveness, anxiety, feeling bereft when there is conflict - being in love is absolutely terrifying and exhausting. It's also a huge distraction and if you're a person with a full life, responsibilities and passions that need care and feeding, Being in love makes it hard to maintain your balance.

Like I said, I'm glad I experienced being in love. It's a love drug that floods your brain with delicious feelings, it's addictive.  I'm also glad that I experienced cocaine back in the early '80's - my first husband and I stayed up one night and enjoyed the effects of it. We decided afterwards that it was too expensive to make a habit, so that one night was my only exposure to it. Good thing - back then, the wisdom was that it was non-addictive. Anyway, been there, done that. Same with being in love. I don't crave repeating that experience.  It all but did me in as most of you know. I jumped off a cliff, sailed blissfully through the air for a while and then crashed in a sobbing lump at the bottom of the ravine. 'Twas touch and go there for a while - I seriously wasn't sure I was going to survive the experience. But survive I did and inch by inch I clawed my way back to the top and here I am, alive and almost happy again. I'm glad for the experience. Proud of myself that I survived it. Wiser and better than I was at the onset. All in all, it was an amazing experience, one that I wouldn't trade for anything, but repeat it?  No way. I will never fall like that again, never allow myself to be owned by someone again. Never love with no reserves again.

And that brings me to three lovers. Spent time with a intimate friend yesterday who is very busy - we only see each other occasionally. We agreed that we have the perfect relationship - it's passed the test of time, we love each other but are not in love, we love our time together getting caught up since the last time we saw each other, we find excitement and comfort in each other's arms, and then we say good-bye until the next time. It's perfect except that I see him so infrequently. The risk though, would be, if I did see him more often the relationship could change - we could start to need each other in different ways, possessiveness and insecurity could rear their ugly heads.

Having three lovers is, I think, the ticket. It would not be a secret that I was not monogamous but any discussion about "others" would be off limits. Time spent loving with none of the clingy, negative stuff. And if one of the three got busy or distracted or pissy, then the focus would shift to the other two while the situation sorted itself out. Friend said, "What if one of them fell in love with you?" To which I resonded, "That would be their problem." I have no intention of falling in love again. If I feel it happening, I'll turn the volume down on that relationship until the feelings abate.

The challenge today could be thinking over your feelings about being in love versus just loving. Do you agree with me that being in love is a scary addictive drug - something to be wary of? And yay for you if you are in a loving relationship in which you can just relax, be yourself, be confident and not be driven crazy by negative emotions.

Wish me luck.  I start interviewing this week.

Peace,
Sarah

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