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Friday, June 22, 2012

Swaraj, Convex and Lucas/Virginia Wolfe


Friday, so disoriented today but things are moving along. Day started with Chris, my network guy finishing up what he needed to do in my home office, adding memory, new backup systems - all systems go and functioning well. Then Victor, my muse these days, who helped me with the move, selling all the unneeded office furniture, helping me to design the new office - today he whisked through the house and helped me decide what to do with what - also removed hard drives from a half dozen old desktop computers that I'm ditching. Then Carmen, monthly house cleaning and the loud vacuum, and a delivery of a new piece of office furniture, and, and and...so much activity - all good but disorienting.

Last night was an evening with Martin - tantra. It was a breakthrough of sorts - we spent a lot of time just "being" together, looking into each other's faces, not saying anything, being still. It's hard for me to be still, and harder still to focus on someone's left eye which is a tantra practice - apparently the left eye is the mirror to the soul. I wept in his arms - first time that happened - something is bubbling up and out. I think it's good. Getting rid of stuff.

And speaking of getting rid of stuff, I have had an image of Virginia Wolfe in my head for days now. I think of her putting on a huge overcoat and filling her pockets with rocks and wading out into the water and drowning herself which is how she ended her life. The thought of being weighted down with stones, struggling with each step is how I feel my life has been for a while now. And I don't think I'm alone. I know I keep harping on stuff and getting rid of stuff, and I'm not sure if that new-found passion resonates with you or not, but the thought that we spend most of our adult lives filling our pockets with heavy stones until we can barely walk any longer is a recent revelation.

For years now, I've been going to my storefront office, 2400 SF of space, filled to the brim with an accumulation of office supplies, network gear, furniture, pandemic flu supplies, overflow of personal stuff from the house, enough binder clips to start a binder clip store, hundreds of boxes of old client files and ancient documents. It was all neat and tidy, everything occupying its own little space and I enjoyed being there, or so I thought. Consciously, it was a good place to go - a sexy pretty space, well decorated, classy and functional. But what was happening at the subconscious level was almost lethal - like all that stuff was pulsing with a heartbeat I could pretend to ignore even though I felt its presence each and every day. I guess what I'm trying to say badly is that sometimes we're just not aware of the psychic toll that we're under when our foundation is wrong. If I were attuned, I would have been aware sooner that going to that office every day was draining my life force. In the last year I was not able to accomplish much there and now I know why - it was toxic - like living in a house built on a graveyard and making believe there aren't dead bodies decaying below your pretty floors. So an absolute YAY! for excavating my life - I'm emptying my pockets of heavy stones.

I'm determined to have some fun this weekend. Schaller's tonight looks dicey - no one else going so I might have to scramble to make Plan B plans if I decide I don't want to go there by myself. Tomorrow, a play at the Raven Theater and Sunday, dinner on my deck with friends Steve and Helen who are a treat. All that, plus Weight Watchers and a voice lesson and some gardening, will make for a well rounded weekend, I hope. I'm also hoping for some face time with my best friends Lucas and Convex. That's what I'm calling James and Liza these days ever since the auto text on my cell phone decided, when I type James and Liza, it won't do - they apparently needed new new names. Mind of its own, that auto text - I type James and what comes out is Convex. I type Liza and it's Lucas. I'm not Sarah anymore but Swaraj. So the three musketeers we remain but with new names, Swaraj and her two sidekicks Convex and Lucas.

I have no lofty thoughts today - still reeling over last evening and the flood of tears that came from some deep river within me. If there is a challenge it's thinking about the idea I had that we risk the fate of Virginia Wolfe if we keep filling our pockets with heavy stones.  Stones come in all shapes and sizes and some we carry as joyful burdens like the relationships we have with loved ones, but others have snuck into our pockets, maybe pretty and useful at one time, but now having long outlived their usefulness.  I'm thinking, when you are on the back stretch of your life, it's time to empty the pockets and decide what burdens you want to carry with you the rest of the way. Today Chris and I looked through an enormous box of old software that had been amassed over fifteen years - almost all obsolete and unneeded - garbage now. I've been carting shit like this around too long. New motto, "When in doubt, throw it out!"

Peace,
Swaraj

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