Extraordinary/Failing

Sunday, mid-day, writing the blog early so I can hit the ground running tomorrow morning. Friday at Schaller's was a ghost town - got there to only three or four cars in the parking lot, walked into the bar and sure enough besides Bobby, the pianist and his student/friend Marion who also sings, there was almost no one else. That on the heels of Friday being a self-care wobbly day pushed me over the edge and I ended up having a self-pitying, unauthorized (Friday was NOT a Federal holiday!) martini. One thing I promised you here - honesty. 'Twould be lovely to never have to report anyting other than fabulous success in all my endeavors, Sarah=unfailing inspiration. Truth is, it's really hard to be a human being some days, hard to muster enthusiasm for Living Well, hard to be true to a path. Impossible to be consistently extraordinary.

Extraordinary. It's the word that pulses through my life these days. Started with the Landmark Basic course, the word reintroduced in the Advanced class, and now the weekly seminar entitled, you guessed, it, "Being Extraordinary." Carol, George and I talked about it the other night - what is means to be extraordinary. Gabor=sweet because he said, "You are absolutely extraordinary already. Why do you need to take a course in extraordinary?" I assured him that, when asked to make a list of all the areas of my life where I was not only, NOT extraordinary, even just plain pathetic, the list was very long!!!

So Saturday, woke up after having disappointed myself with broken contracts (lousy eating the days before and the martini). Thought to myself, "How can I get through this weekend?" Pathetic, right? - to start the weekend with the though of just surviving it?  Then, "Hell no....I am going to figure out how to have an extraordinary day even though I'm feeling unextraordinary." I knew the day would have to be active, rich with people and good conversation, productive and accountable for it to be extraordinary.

First stop, Weight Watchers. Didn't go for the previous two Saturdays and I knew the scale would reflect back to me, my lack of commitment. But go I would with the thought that I would be my own hero and do the right thing. Sure enough, bad news. Over three weeks of hit or miss compliance I gained 3+ pounds.  Bad right?  But good to look that fact square in the face and make a plan. This is my plan. "Sarah, stop being a smarty pants and thinking you can put your own spin on everything, tinker with  rules, make side deals. Surrender to the plan the way it's designed. Be humble, be committed, dig deeper - get back to basics. WW is a great plan, it works if you give it a chance. No excuses, no tinkering."  What's more, I made myself a solemn vow and I'm reiterating it here before you for further accountability.  Between now and the end of the year, I commit to going to WW every single Saturday regardless of how the week has gone. Even if I have a wretched stretch and watch the scale climb, I will go and face that scale each and every week. It's what I need." Accountability.

Rest of the day was full and rich - picked James up and we strolled the Farmer's Market together, then lunch. Cleaning, errands, nap, reading and then a play at The Raven Theater with Catherine. Tonight singing at 12 West Elm - hanging with Josh.

Another thing to be honest about...Patrick. He is still a palpable presence in my life even though there is almost no communication. I keep up with him on his Facebook and he, in turn, reads this blog (at least I believe he still does). Yesterday, a heart-stopping moment when a cryptic post  made me think something terrible had befallen either him or someone in his family - he thanked friends who came to his aid without being explicit for the reason. I quickly messaged him with fear and concern - turns out all is fine. My feelings which flared so quickly made me realize just how important he still is to me, regardless of the loss of the relationship. Sometimes I think I'm love retarded, a weirdo to still care so much, unlike other people who would have let go after sixteen months. Friends don't understand me. I don't understand me. The only one who does, apparently, is Kaveh. Goes something like this:

S:  Kaveh, what's wrong with me?

K: There is nothing wrong with you, Sarah - you're in love.

S.  But it's been almost a year and a half - normal people move on by now.

K:  Not necessarily.

S.  I've tried everything to forget him...I'm doing everything right. I am living a full and productive life, loving friends and family, throwing myself headfirst into new projects, making other peoples' needs my priority - trying to  live in a worthy and unselfish way. I'm out most every night of the week. My house is filled with love and laughter and yet, every day, I mourn the loss of him.

K: Grief can't be denied. You are grieving still. It's a terrible thing to not be with the one you love.

S: Will it get better in time?

K:  I think so.

Honesty. My silence may have led you to believe I've healed. No, but I'm getting really good at Living Well with a hole in my heart.

Just finished The Paris Wife - a book about Ernest Hemingway and his first wife Hadley. Such love they had but it ended when her best friend set sights on Ernest and he traded in the old for the new. He left Hadley even though he still loved her fiercely and, at the end of his life, it was the loss of her he regretted the most. A quote that brought tears this morning.  He wrote to her as he left:

You've changed me more than you know, and will always be a part of everything I am. That's one thing I've learned from this. No one you love is ever truly lost.

Challenge today may be complete - slogging through the self-expository, self indulgent drivel I just wrote. I meant to write about being extraordinary, not about failures (failure to move on from a broken relationship, self-care, etc). And yet failure is what this post ended up being about. If there is any gem of wisdom here that can provide inspiration to the day it's that we fail constantly, day in and day out. We disappoint ourselves constantly. From Michael Jordan:

I've failed over and over and over again in my life and that is why I succeed.

Thought: maybe being extraordinary and failing aren't mutually exclusive. Maybe extraordinary people have figured out how to stay in the game and on the court knowing they will fail often.

Peace,
Sarah