The Killing Frost

It's hard to stay crabby on a day when the lighting outside is so beautiful! I love this time of year as we drift into Fall. The change in the sun's rays is subtle now, but certainly noticeable - this morning everything is dappled in the most lovely way - did you see it too?  I woke to thwarted plans, having locked my keys in my car last night when I was at writing group - I ended up having to leave it in downtown Evanston and get a ride home.  This morning, no dog beach, no elliptical workout.  If ever there was a reason to be Joey-ish and just go with the moment, this morning was it. I jumped in the kid's car, found my car, fed the meter and then picked up my ex-husband who had a spare key.  I was all ready to be a real sourpuss.

But this is what happened.  Joey was adorable - every day he greets the day as if it is the first and last of his life, full of joy.  That, in and of itself, is infectious.  Then the beautiful day with the lovely lighting that dared me to be a grouch and eschew its beauty.  When I got to my car and realized I had no quarters to feed the meter, I noticed happy people coming out of Panera and I said to myself, "Well, I'm a Starbucks girl, but what the hell, let's try Panera coffee and solve two problems - coffee and quarters!"  Good to mix things up anyway!.   And then I realized I wanted to check out Panera anyway because just last night we talked about creating a splinter group off of our regular writing group.   The group has gotten too big and it is no longer as fun as it used to be.  Time for a change.   So this morning as I solved my quarter problem, I also talked to the manager at Panera and secured their back room for a new writing group that will meet twice a month. An accomplishment out of adversity!

And then a rare opportunity to talk with my soon to be ex-husband when we drove to the car with the spare key.  He is a lovely person and we haven't been communicating lately as we try to hammer out an equitable divorce - lots of unhappy feelings.  Today, we chatted about nothing much, the dog, his cat, the writing group and the new initiative.   It was really nice to relax with him and have it not be loaded.  Finally as I left for the office, I met new neighbors across the street, the mother Diana and her two adorable (5 and 2?) little girls Athena and Ariana.  Athena is precocious and brilliant. She told me she hated telling people she is Greek because Greek people hug and kiss too much and she has a problem with that.   I told her it could be worse - she could have relatives who don't like her much and never hug and kiss her.   She furrowed her brow and gave that some deep thought.  Why do I think she will have a philosophical retort for me next we meet?

So these day I'm all about self help books - me who usually makes fun of self help books.  Last night I picked up a book that I'm eager to read called The Happiness Project (Or, Why I spent a Year Trying to Sing in the Morning, Clean My Closets, Fight Right, Read Aristotle, and Generally Have More Fun).   I'm already hooked and I've only read the first few pages.   The words that jumped off the page and grabbed me was a quote from the writer Collette, "What a wonderful life I've had!  I only wish I'd realized it sooner!"

So, I'm walking the walk these days and I'm proud of myself.   These are the things I need to remind myself that I'm succeeding at:

• my health - it's really good.  I'm finally getting a good relationship with my body.  I treat it well and it's treating me well in return.  So many people punish their bodies out of self loathing, laziness, ignorance.  If you think of your body as a precious child or dog who needs consistent loving care, you think twice before traumatizing it with punishing regimes, starvation diets, binging/purging, substance abuse, lack of or too much exercise, neglect, not enough sleep, etc.  Your body will only purr for you if you treat it with gentle respect.  It's easily traumatized.
• my attitude - there are a lot of changes brewing in my life, not all of them good.  I continue to put one foot in front of the other and stay in the game - just showing up is 9/10's of success.  I am also working really hard to put this breakup behind me.   It's probably one of the hardest things I've ever had to do in my life (maybe the hardest).  My body, heart and soul long for him - still - and it's a mind over matter thing to give him up.  I'd say I'm about 50% there.
• my creativity - this is, I'm, convinced the key to happiness.  Mixing things up, finding novelty in the day, meeting new people, being stimulated, shedding things and people that no longer provide joy, learning new things, creating.   Writing this daily blog has been my anti-depressant, even when I'm pissy.

So, we're going into Fall.  My friend Liza said she hates the end of August.  Everything starts to look worn and old.  I looked at my backyard that was, just a month ago, a profusion of flowers in their prime.  Clematis so beautiful they looked otherworldly, majestic Asiatic lilies each perfect, flower boxes looking ready for a Martha Stuart photo shoot, tomato plants with green plump foliage.  Now the lilies are gone and the tall stems that are left are wizened and brown, the lawn is blighted probably from being over mowed, the clematis flowers are gone, the tomato plants never did produce much - the foliage looks gnawed and the flower boxes are leggy.   I see what Liza means - everything is looking spent.  

And you see where I'm going with this, I'll bet.  We come to this same stage of our lives when our children who were once absolutely perfect with ten toes and fingers are done with childhood and are entering the scary world of adults with the battle scars of childhood, some of which we have inflicted on them - they are not perfect anymore.  Our houses that once bulged with optimism are filled with stuff that no one cares about anymore and they too bear family scars - worn and weary.  We parents are feeling PTSD, having barely survived being parents and wondering if there is any reserve left in us, for us.   It's all - the end of August.

And then Liza says September/October is good again.  Beauty returns.  A crispness in the air is invigorating. Summer clothing is put away and cool weather clothing makes a debut.   The lethargy of summer is shaken off and all is busy again - yard cleanup, winter readiness, holiday preparations. Energy and excitement and last gasp beauty that is so breathtaking it can make you weep. Someone told me that when a tree's leaves change color, the tree is in pain.  It's like the tree has a fever.  It is shrieking, "Help me, see me!"   Fall is like that, beautiful with desperate frenetic activity in anticipation of the death of winter.

In June when Patrick and I broke up I anticipated I wouldn't be ready to date again until the frost and then I clarified it further, "the killing frost".  Ryan told me recently that for a relationship with such a fast arc as we had, the rule of thumb was twice as long for the breakup as the relationship.  We were together for only two months (that to us felt like 20 years) so that means the heartache will last for four months.  October 13th.  Wouldn't it be crazy if my prediction came true and that was the date of the killing frost?  If it is, I will note it with amazement and celebrate that night.  I will do something symbolic like remove all his voice mails from my phone, or remove his pictures.  It's a lovely thought to think I will, at some point, be free of the pain of losing him. Please wish that for me.

The challenge today is to think about Collette's words, "What a wonderful life I've had!  I only wish I'd realized it sooner!"  Maybe we print up a dozen copies of this quote and tape them everywhere so that we see them upon waking and periodically throughout the day, and last thing before we go to sleep. Please don't waste even a single day, numbed out to your wonderful life.  Even the shitty days are part of your wonderful life.

Peace,

Sarah