Talked with Kaveh today - my weekly phone session with him. He relocated to Louisville, KY so the phone it is. I've done this therapy thing for years now, dunno - 4+ years? - something like that. It is something I want to share with you because it has been incredibly useful to me. Remember the list I made when I took stock of myself? I knew therapy had to be on that list of self improvements - that without committing to therapy nothing else on the list would be doable.
And really my introduction to therapy was kicking and screaming. My therapy was an offshoot of my youngest daughter's problems. It became evident to the professionals that she couldn't be better if I didn't get better - we are inextricably close and over-identified with each other, so our issues spill over between us. I love my daughter so, as pissed as I was at having to look at my issues, I did it because I could leave no stone unturned to meet her therapeutic needs.
We all have a life story that defines us. Most peoples' stories are a blend of tragic and sweet, victories, losses, character defining events, personality developing relationships. Most people have had enough stability and foundation in their lives to be forward moving. From time to time they may need to revisit their story, take stock, tweak some changes, contend with some necessary losses - in order to move forward to the next stage of their lives. For these people, therapy is more about getting unstuck, making some course corrections, applying some gas to their lives, taking risks, being brave. They need a therapist to help them with forward momentum.
And then there are the broken people, whose stories either are so awful, or who may have suffered such trauma that they don't even have a coherent story to tell, or their stories are a jumble of reality and magical thinking with the boundary between the two, reality and fantasy, blurred. For these people, therapy is about going back into the terrifying swamp of their childhood and untangling what really happened, making sense of it, looking at traumatic events with grown up eyes, having your therapist be a witness as you relive horrific moments (and hopefully then are able to leave them in the past versus recreating them over and over again in the present), and re-writing a story that is useful to you that will support growth.
I like the words that Kaveh crafted on the home page of his website:
We believe in the basic developmental ideas of continuity and reciprocity. As such we recognize that our experiences are not linear and always occur in a broader interpersonal context.We believe that symptoms form in an effort to memorialize and communicate our suffering and are often solutions to complicated emotional difficulties. Therefore, understanding and self-acceptance often occur in retrospect, by visiting the emotional injuries that trouble us.When we disown our experiences we are left susceptible to repetition of the very experiences we wish to leave behind. So, we talk and remember in order to work towards meaning, self-acceptance and self-determination.
Do you get what he is saying here? I believe he is saying, if you suffered trauma and are broken, you are haunted by the trauma. It's like the person who revisits the scene of an accident over and over and over again, "if only I had left five minutes later, if I had had only worn different shoes, if I had been driving the car with the anti-lock brakes, if, if, if.....and they can't let it go. They keep replaying the accident over and over in their heads, as if by revisiting it, they can rewrite history, fix history with magic and find peace. Too often we bring childhood traumas to our present relationships, we recreate the things that happened to us with those we love, because we want to gain control over the past, we want to finally get it right this time, we want to rewrite history, to undo what happened. But of course that can't happen unless we are Superman and can actually cause the Earth to spin backwards and reverse time. The goal in deep therapy is to go back in time, relive the trauma but with the understanding of an adult, and then leave the trauma in the past where it belongs. It's so hard, but it's the only way to be free.
Today my mother left Chicago in a truck with all her possessions, bound for Boston to live with my sister. She never said good-bye. She would say I never said good-bye to her. Kaveh told me that unless I free myself of needing her motherly love, which will never come in a proper way, I will continue to poison current relationships. I will keep recreating the loss and just like someone setting up bowling pins, I will set things up for people to leave me, just as my parents left me....I will replay the tragedy over and over again, always trying to get it right, but really just picking at a scab on a wound that will never heal - perpetuating the loss.
The challenge today is to think about your own story. Is it a good one? Are you emotionally healthy and forward moving, content with the arc of your life, shedding the old and embracing the new? Or, if you are stuck, do you just need a kick in the ass or are you in crisis? If you are in crisis and you are finding you just can't use sheer will to power through your life any more, is it because you are living a broken story? Do you need to go back into the swamp of your childhood and revisit the scary times? I hope you don't because doing this kind of work is not for the faint of heart....it takes true grit and it is very painful.
Peace,
Sarah
Picture is from Kaveh's website, www.eastendpsychology.com
Very aware post. I am someone who fits into your first category--someone with a trauma in life that has affected me, that I revisit periodically, and come away with more awareness, learning more. I am currently reviewing three generations worth of family photos and slides as I work with my siblings to ready the family home of 57+ years for sale. ALL of the photos are happy occasions, as is typical of photos one saves. There is one photo of me with my mother, standing in the school playground, waiting to enter my first day of kindergarten. I am smiling, she has her arm around me and she is smiling. I asked my husband to look at the photo and tell me what he saw. He replied, "Your mother and you are both eager and excited about your first day of school. Thought has gone into the dress you are wearing, the hair style with barrette--and your mother brought a camera to have someone take a photo to capture the moment." I looked at the same photo and said, "This is a photo of me being very worried because there is something wrong with my mother, and I don't know what it is. See her face, it is bloated. I wonder if anyone else notices. I wonder if someone can help me?" My husband is amazed. He repeats, "No, this is a very happy photo of a milestone day. I don't see anything that you are seeing." It is interesting because when I was ages 4-6 my mother was an active alcoholic. I didn't know what was wrong, but I knew it was something, and it made me scared, uneasy and vulnerable. THAT is what I still come back to when I see that photo. I remember that day vividly and my worry--though apparently it does not show to the unknowing eye. Luckily for our family, my mother achieved sobriety when I was six and continued that way the rest of her life. Your doctor said that you should give up on gaining motherly love from your mother. I think the difference between you and me might be that my mother was sorry her entire life about how her drinking early on likely affected the lives of us in her family. She acknowledged that she did affect us (even if we were smiling in pix on the first day of school) and she was very sorry. The glitch in your story is that your mother has never acknowledged that she might have caused you harm through any of her intended or unintended actions. Sorry to go on and on, but your post struck a nerve.
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