There was a magical moment years ago when I got tired of living the way I was and, in my journal, I made a list of all the things in my life that needed changing. I didn't realize it was a special day at the time, didn't realize that day marked the end of old ways of being and the beginning of a new life - I was just taking stock of myself as I had done in the past from time to time. The difference was, I think, writing the list, and then tackling just one thing on it. I actually forgot about the list as I went about the business of making changes, forgot that I had made it until six months later when I read back through my journal. I discovered the entry and realized with amazement that in six months I had actively taken steps to remedy each of the identified problems.
I'm not a particularly airy-fairy person, not mystical or superstitious, but it seems there was something self-fulfilling about creating a thoughtful, realistic list, getting it on paper, organizing some thought around it and then sending those wishes out into the world of possibilities. And of course, taking baby steps to do the hard work.
This is the amazing thing when you take a single tentative step. It's not that hard and the next step is easier, and so forth. Soon you have tangible progress under your belt and with that, comes more energy to take on other stuff. It becomes your new inertia . Most people think of inertia as something negative, stasis. But the definition of inertia is, "the property of matter by which it retains its state of rest or its velocity along a straight line so long as it is not acted upon by an external force." When you start to make positive changes in your life, it is self perpetuating, you "retain a state of velocity along a straight line" of self improvement. The hard part is the "external force" - changing the current state. It requires a lot of energy to move from a state of rest to a state of velocity - and courage - and optimism -and a bit of foolhardiness to trade in the known for the unknown.
Anais Nin says, "And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." I think that's where the crossroad is between old ways and new ways, when it's just too painful to continue as you have been. Something triggers and you just decide, today is the day. I am going to drink my coffee black this morning and throw the half and half down the drain. Maybe you put your cigarettes down the disposal. Maybe you call your friend who has been trying to get you into therapy for years and ask for the therapist's number. And here's the weird thing - change is so much easier than we think it's going to be. It's actually invigorating and fun, even if it comes with discomfort. It makes you feel alive and hopeful.
Last night I was an "in the moment" kind of gal. My evening plans fizzled and I contemplated going to my voice coach's Friday gig by myself - no one was interested in hanging out. But first some delicious time in my pretty bedroom with the Breakup Book that I didn't want to end, it had become an instant lifeline. Then a call to Liza who was home taking care of her kids and not able to go out. She was dispirited, her life is SOO hard these day - it boggles the mind, all that she has on her plate. She has, of late, lost her fighting spirit which is devastating because she is the fire in her family's belly, without her pushing and solving, they will flounder. The moment dictated that I talk with her at length about the problems facing her. It is the very least I could do - she has been there for me every single step of the way through this tough breakup of mine, holding my head above water when I risked slipping below the surface. If I'm doing better, it is in large part to her loving ministrations, her always-there-ness.
Her problems are so serious and there is nothing I can do to solve them - all I have to offer is a compassionate ear, encouragement, and humor. Liza and I both have twisted senses of humor. We use humor and cynicism as a wound balm. An extreme example of Liza's ability to prevail in the face of unbelievable tragedy-in-the-making is when her baby was in the hospital dying of meningitis (he barely survived). He was in a coma and Liza and her mother kept a constant awake vigil at his bedside. They were punch drunk sleepless but they never faltered in their vigil. At one point they were so tired and sad that they were reduced to tears and laughter. First the tears then the laughter and they made joke after joke about the baby's plight, how he may never regain consciousness, (ha!, ha!). And so forth.
So last night, I fanatisized with Liza about devious plots to do horrible things to people who are causing her unspeakable pain. We talked about the least painful ways of offing ourselves. And we laughed and laughed as the plans we spun became more far fetched, ridiculous and complicated. It's wonderful to have a friend you can share your darkest thoughts with about harming yourself and have them not be freaked out, but instead talk it through so that you can let it vent, the poisonous gas released harmlessly into the air - the ridiculousness of it revealed through satire. I won't go into details, but let me say, both Liza and I have some really great material for NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month). Good to get it out, even better to take the pain and create something from it.
The challenge today is to think about your current state of inertia. Are you in stasis or is your state of inertia forward moving? If you are stuck, can you summon a burst of energy to change the state of your inertia? Find it in you to make one significant change, even if it as small as taking your vitamins every day? I wish this for you.
Peace,
Sarah
Good thoughts to go home on today!
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