Thursday. Fun last night at The Blue Star Wine Bar in Wicker Park with Mark Burnell on piano and a lot of good singers sitting in. Christ was good company. He made a very thoughtful decision about what flight of wine I should order. And how cool is it that I had exactly enough WW points for 7.5 oz of wine and on the menu it said, "flights of wine are 7.5 oz"! Three reds delivered to me with labels and Christ led me through the ceremony of swishing/oxygenating each of them and then shoving my nose deeply into the glass, closing my eyes and letting the bouquet transport me. His nose is more discerning than mine. He described one glass as floral and another (Sirah) as bacon cooking on a campfire. Can't remember what he said about the third glass. I sang three songs - the first two were OK, works in progress still. The last one, Not a Day Goes By, was epic - I sang it exactly as I think it should be sung. Afterwards Mark, who usually either says nothing or makes constructive comments, just said, "Wow!". I guess it's my new signature song, one that I sing with all my heart and conviction. I hope I get to sing it to you sometime. Sondheim is powerful.
So, it's easy to have a head of steam when you're feeling rested and good but not so much when you have a fitful night's sleep and wake with a splitting headache. That was me this morning. Then the mental excuses start, the internal bargaining. "It wouldn't hurt to skip one day. One day makes no difference in the scheme of things. I'm just not up to it." And that's it, right? How we conduct ourselves when things are not obvious and easy, when we're tempted to take a pass? I reminded myself of goals, had a stern talk with Sarah Slacker (we all have an internal slacker - the side of ourselves that begs for permission and indulgence), took some aspirin and a bracing cup of java and then hit the elliptical and gave it 150%. Staying the course and not disappointing myself is a better way to live. I was proud of myself because I REALLY did not feel up to it and yet....I was my own mini-hero this morning.
And the last song of the workout made my heart soar - it was a gift to me - of all the lyrics that move me, these are the most important, written and sung by a man who saw his own share of trouble. I'll copy and paste them here in a minute, but let me paraphrase and explain what they meant to me. So Sarah, age 50 or so, with a mess on her hands. I was inhabiting a bad script that was written in part for me by life's circumstances and in part by me as a way to deal. The script held me together for all those years - it wasn't all bad. I was a victor on many fronts, strong, effective, results oriented. Early on, I armored up and went out into a tough ass world and with chutzpah, smarts and weapons I made my mark without anyone's help. Didn't need anyone. Wanted kids though and I always thought I'd be a good mother because, well for no other reason than I was good at everything - motherhood was just another project to be undertaken and completed on time and under budget. Husbands were chosen as a means to an end. I soldiered my way through my adult years, my family fell in line for the most part under my leadership. I was CEO. But guess what? CEO's can be effective, they can be admired and respected, and certainly needed, but at the end of the day, you don't love a CEO. If you're an underling, chances are you probably hate the CEO and chafe at their control of you.
So this song says to me, "Stop before it's too late. Stop playing a game, and following a bad script. Why are you so worried that, if you put down your weapons, people will think you are weak? You can run but you can't hide from your need of other people - dominating people is not loving them. So, just take the leap of faith that surrendering to the people you love won't weaken you - and put your foolish pride away. The rain may fall - things might fall apart a bit. It might make you uncomfortable to not be calling all the shots, but that's OK. Let the rain come, tears and all. You won't melt. And the song, written and performed by James Taylor is, of course, "Shower The People". If you're like me when someone posts poetry or lyrics, there is a temptation to skip over them. Please humor and honor me by reading this. Chances are you know the song, but reading the words as poetry is, in some ways, more powerful than hearing them sung.
You can play the game and you can act out the part,
even though you know it wasn't written for you.
Tell me, how can you stand there with your broken heart ashamed of playing the fool?
One thing can lead to another; it doesn't take any sacrifice.
Oh, father and mother, sister and brother, if it feels nice, don't think twice,
just shower the people you love with love, show them the way that you feel.
Things are gonna work out fine if you only will do as I say, just
shower the people you love with love, show them the way you feel.
Things are gonna be much better if you only will.
You can run but you cannot hide, this is widely known.
Tell me, what you plan to do with your foolish pride when you're all by yourself, alone.
Once you tell somebody the way that you feel, you can feel it beginning to ease.
I think it's true what they say about the squeaky wheel always getting the grease.
Better to shower the people you love with love, show them the way that you feel.
Things are gonna be just fine if you only will what I'd like to do to you.
Shower the people you love with love, show them the way that you feel.
Things are gonna be much better if you only will.
Shower the people you love with love, show them the way that you feel.Sarah=sap today, right? That's OK. I still have a core of steel and a will of iron when I need it. I'm just using them differently these days. The challenge today is to give some thought to strength and what real strength looks like. In films, we are attracted to heroes who kick butt and knock down doors. I'm not saying that we shouldn't have a bottom line, a respectful sense of ourselves and a demand to other people to respect our boundaries - that's not it at all. What do you think about the idea that, when a strong person evolves, they put their weapons on the shelf, away from them. The weapons are still there to be used if they're really needed, judiciously needed. I'm thinking the evolved person learns to internalize and transform blows, neutralize that energy, absorb force and return compassion and love. Maybe it takes a lifetime to learn that true strength can look very passive. Maybe that is why many cultures look to their elders who've traveled this path of understanding.
You'll feel better right away.
Don't take much to do, sell your pride.
They say in every life, they say the rain must fall, just like pouring rain, make it rain.
Make it rain, love, love, love is sunshine, oh yes,
Make it rain, love, love, love is sunshine. Everybody, everybody
Today I shower the people I love with affection, not just in thoughts but in deeds. I'm overdue in making small but meaningful kindnesses to the people who make my life worth living. Soon it will be May Day. For those of you on text, each month I send you a text that says, "Rabbit, rabbit". This is an old British tradition that bestows good luck to the recipient on the first day of every month. When I was little I looked forward to May 1st - a day my brother and I made little, floppy construction paper baskets, filling them with whatever wild flowers we could scrounge. We put the little baskets on our neighbors' door handles and ran away. Maybe this year I'll resurrect that tradition and shower the people I love with affection and spring flowers.
Peace,
Sarah
NADGB
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