Why Did You Leave Me?/Azazael Back Story

In the office for just an hour or so, not feeling well which is oh, so rare for me - me who never gets sick.  Writing group tonight if I can muster the energy.  Today took a feverish dog nap with Joey cuddled next to me. He spends his days with me these days and nights with Elizabeth.  She's so fussy about him, asking me if I read the ingredients on the dog food I buy him, making sure I never have him off leash even between the house and the car, quizzing me about whether he pooped and how big it was, the consistency, etc.  Why does this feel like practice between us for grandchildren?  It's lovely actually and gratifying to see how carefully attentive she is to him.  She will be a wonderful mother and I'm not just saying that because she reads this blog (she doesn't).

So, life.  It's such a mixed bag, isn't it?  Sometimes so hard to keep up and other times so hard to slow down. I've never felt closer to my kids despite recent ups and downs.  They are opening up to me in ways they never have, sharing their dreams, trusting me with confidences, seeking comfort and support.  Today, when I woke from my fever Joey nap, Madeleine, lay next to me and put her hand on my hot head and we talked.  She said that she has never felt closer to me than she does these days.  She said it was the opposite of her friends who were close to their mothers when they were little but were now growing apart.  Seems we're a bit ass-backward, but hey, it's working.  We are backfilling the losses.  Today, Elizabeth, told me of her best friend's sadness over the impending death of her mother who has been battling cancer.  She is not expected to last the year. The mother is younger than me with a large brood of kids, the youngest in middle school.  Elizabeth has been an adjunct member of their family for years. Tragic. It shook Elizabeth, the thought of losing her mother.

I find myself surrounded with people who I love, who love me, a devoted dog, cats who adoringly follow me from room to room.  I am alive....some days I'm happy.  I am always grateful and amazed.

Here is an excerpt from my book. This continues the back story of my guardian angel Azazel whose name was Elias when he was alive.

From that day, Elias worked hard at his chores and used the repetitive actions to still his active mind.   He found that by counting everything he could focus his mind away from Sandra and the kids.

“27, 28, 29, 30,” he counted the stairs to the library.  At the top of the stairs, he made a point of stepping carefully into each of the tiles without stepping on the seams.  “1,2,3,4, etc” as he made his way to the card file.   More counting as he rifled through the cards, looking for a book on honey bees.   He had been assigned to the honey bee problem that was decimating their population on earth.  And as he looked for the book, he counted every single one in the row until he came upon the one he was searching for.  At night he counted sheep of course, fluffy sheep that looked like clouds.

But eventually his resolve withered.  It was the day when he spied a young girl, newly arrived who looked uncannily like his Gretchen.  At first his heart sank, thinking it really was her, but as soon as his relief subsided, he was overcome with a desire to rush to her side.   It had been almost a year since he had appeared to her as an apparition.

“Daddy, I know you’re here.”  Gretchen sat up in bed.  She had been sleeping soundly when he first arrived.    With tears in his eyes, he sat on her bed, watching her sleep.   She was even more beautiful than he remembered.  Her baby wispy hair had filled in to be a tangle of red curls.  Her little thunder thighs that he had once cleaned so carefully, making sure to open the folds as he soaped her up had slimmed and lengthened.   Her chubby little face had become angular and refined.  All this in a year.   He grieved that he wasn’t there to witness the slow transformation.

“Yes, pumpkin face, I’m here.”

“I miss you,” was all she said, reaching her hands for him.  In the last year, Elias had studied apparition and materialization, two classes that were required for angels in training.   Now when he visited Gretchen, he was as if full flesh and blood.

Their embrace shook heaven and earth.  The unauthorized cleaving did not go unnoticed.  It sent shudders through the ether that were felt everywhere.   And it brought tears to even the authorities who knew they had to punish the transgression.  Everyone loved Elias, his love and devotion were by now legendary, but he wasn’t able to regulate himself and as a result, important and vital boundaries were being breached, violations that over time would undermine the very fabric that kept the delicate balance between Heaven and Earth.  Guarding those delicate, shimmering boundaries was a constant work in process and one that had to be taken very seriously.   Without the boundaries, there would be chaos and confusion.  Evil portals would open between Heaven and Hell.  Innocents would be sucked from Heaven and evil ones would use those same portals to gain entry to Heaven, unnoticed.

They clung to each other and cried, unashamed of their tears.  Elias knew it would be the last time he would feel his daughter’s arms around him, knew it was probably the last time he would ever lay eyes on her.   Gretchen didn’t understand the trouble her father was in, how much he risked just to be with her.  She cried pent up tears of longing for the man who had left her too soon, the father she had started to forget but who she pined for.

“Daddy, I love you so much.  Why did you leave me,” she asked holding his face between her hands, searching his eyes for an answer.  There had to be a reason.   She never understood his death.   Her mother had made sure she was spared the gory details and refused to discuss it with her when she asked.  As a result she was left with the impression that Daddy had gone to a better place because he wanted to, he was tired of them and maybe didn’t even love them anymore.

“Oh, pumpkin-face, you have no idea how much I love you and miss you,” was all he could manage to say without breaking down completely.  He held her tightly and nestled his face in her messy hair, breathing deeply.  She smelled the same as he remembered, a combination of baby shampoo, sweat, grass and twigs and something sweet that was all her own.   Elias willed himself to memorize her scent, he wanted to be able to summon the smell in days to come.

“You know I’ve always hated that name,” she said.   Now the boys say it and it’s not fair because I don’t look like a pumpkin.  Did I ever look like a pumpkin”

“Kind of,” Elizas laughed.  They say when babies are born they either look like Winston Churchill or Mahatma Gandhi,” he continued.

Gretchen interrupted.  “I don’t know who that is.”

“That’s right, I forget that you are only five…”
“Six,” she corrected.

“Oh, right, six.  Well Ghandi was this little Indian guy who brought peace to his people by starving himself.   He was a skinny, bony little man.   Winston Churchill was also a leader, he was the prime minister of England during World War II.   He looked like a fat bulldog.   Can you guess which kind of baby you were?”

“I know, I’ve seen pictures.   I was the Church guy, right?”

“Yes, absolutely.  Thank God too because you needed all that fat to get you through the first year.  If you had been a Ghandi, we would have lost you, I’m sure.  That’s how you got the name pumpkin-face.   Your face was round, you had orange hair and no teeth!”

“Daddy why did you go?” Gretchen said changing the subject.  “Is it because you found a better place?”

“Are you serious?  Who told you that?” Elias fumed.

“Everyone said you went to a better place where you would be happy.  I’m sorry you weren’t happy with us,” she said sadly, not able to look him in the eyes anymore.

“Oh, my baby.  I didn’t leave because I wanted to.   There was a mother who was very sad about her son dying and she thought he died because of me.   She killed me.   I died and went to Heaven and yes it is a lovely place, but there is no place I would rather be than here with you.”

“Can you stay with me now?  Have you come back for good?”

“No, I’m so sorry.   I’m not supposed to be here, I’ll be in trouble when I go back.  Darling one, this may be the only time we get together.   I’ll spend the day with you and you and I will have to remember this day forever.   Promise me you won’t forget this day.  Promise me that when you feel really sad you will remember that your Daddy who loved you best broke all the rules to be with you one last time.  Promise me that when you get older you won’t settle for any boy who doesn’t love you as much as I do.   You are precious and you are loved."

So, dialogue, hard - re-reading this makes me cringe in spots - too wordy and saccharin.   This excerpt is raw and unedited and my challenge will be making the dialogue more real - currently it's too speechified (just made that word up).  Thinking I need to go out into the world with a tape recorder and record people talking and then spend time transposing exactly what they said, gaps, pauses, interruptions and all.  Writing authentic sounding dialogue is a bitch.

The challenge today is staying the course, counting your blessings, loving your family, reaching for happiness even if you have sadness.  That's what I'm trying to do.

Peace,
Sarah

NADBG