Thursday and I'm betwixt and between. Kind of stupid day in that I drove to Indiana to meet with a client and we got our signals crossed and never met, so three hours of driving for naught. Then missed a voice lesson with my new vocal coach 'cuz I had the time wrong in my head - walking a tightrope and wobbling it seems. Shay told me Albert Einstein lived so much in his head that he painted his door red so he wouldn't walk past it. That's me these past few days. So much in my head that I'm driving by my street, missing appointments or getting signals crossed, double-booking myself, falling asleep at weird times. I'm feeling out of body and other-worldly.
Friend Josh is staying with me for a spell while he finds an apartment. We went out to dinner and I got to hear about his new job and he quizzed me on my Landmark seminar. We also talked about families and other stuff. What's troubling me is that I just don't know how to "be" with people anymore - since last weekend. I've got to figure this out. Josh is a dear and really open to new ideas and possibilities and yet he struggled relating to me. I found myself slipping into a modulated version of myself, putting the brakes on, minimizing my experience so he would feel more comfortable, being self-deprecating. And I was hurt and disappointed when his skepticism and weariness with my enthusiasm leaked out. He admitted to cynicism and we talked about whether cynicism has any place or value in the human experience. I say it doesn't.
So here I am today, confused - not just because of him, but because I know how I must appear to people who are listening to me with cynicism and indulgence. I'm pretty sure I know what they're thinking - Sarah has adorably and predictability found something new to latch onto and they just need to wait me out until my feet have descended back to earth. Or perhaps they're worried I've been overcome with zeal and they've lost me to something scary and insidious. Either way, I'm alarming to them.
Where does that leave me? I no longer want to be pithy and disingenuous, clever at wordplay, edgy and sarcastic, beautifully packaging manipulation, offering insults wrapped up like compliments. The image I have so carefully tended means little to me these days. I don't care much if people think I'm brilliant or amazing or beautiful or intuitive. Really, really, really tired of putting that pretty face on every day - it's too much to carry around. So, here I am feeling happy and optimistic and full of possibilities - kind of like an unselfconscious, prebuscent kid but it's absolutely threatening to other people who prefer the clever me.
Just talked with Ashley - a gal I met at the seminar. We loved each other right away and she immediately identified my shtick - even after exchanging only a few sentences. Think she said, "You're one of those people who leave, aren't you?" Is it that obvious I pretend to be deep and caring and committed and totally invested in people while still having one eye on the door? Can't remember what I said - probably sputtered something. One exercise we did, that you might want to try, is identifying what our "act" is when we're confronted/held accountable. Some people said they deflect conflict by getting angry and meeting the confrontation head on. Others said they use humor. I said, I take mastery of the discussion and turn the conversation to something easier. One gal said, she always says, with absolutely no conviction, "I'm sorry. I take full accountability," then insists the discussion come to a close. What do you do? Once you identify what your act is, you can let other people know that, when they witness you in action, they could yell out "Your Act!!" just like Bingo! Hoping when that happens you can both burst into laughter and get the discussion back on track without the disingenuity.
Later in the weekend I realized my act is, and always has been, this: "GO AWAY!!!!! (sometimes with insults, threats and force) and then when the person goes away, lamenting with tears, "EVERYONE LEAVES ME!."
So when Ashley said, "You're one of those people who leaves," it stunned me. On Tuesday night when I hugged her good-bye, I whispered in her ear, "I will never leave you.".........and I never will. My sister, I think, figured this out about me years ago. I remember her saying once, "there will come a time when you will try to "X" me out of your life because that's what you do and I'm telling you now, I'm not going anywhere."
All for today. I had a hard time writing today. Integrating all of this into my current environment is going to be a challenge. The challenge for you is being honest with yourself and identifying your act - the cowardly way you act when you're put on the spot. Once you identify it, fess up to the people you love, and ask them to call you out on it when you pull out that trump card.
Peace,
Sarah
Picture is me
The "GO AWAY!" act reminds me of when I was a child and I used to throw away my favorite toy out the window and then cry and the toy flew off at 75 mph. I threw the toy away because I didn't feel I was worthy and then I was miserable because I felt like my parents forced me to be with something that's too good for me. What I learned is that if you got it you were worthy.
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