The Point Isn't to be Happy

Friday which scares me. Fridays nights are the toughest for me. Hard for other single people too, I think. Doing Schaller's with Judy and her husband Bernie. Will be predictable fun, a decent time - they're good company. It's when I get home that I tend to dissolve.

Trouble sleeping last night because my dreams were so energetic - that's rare for me, I'm an excellent sleeper. I bounded out of bed this morning on fire, ready to take the world by storm and Shay was the same way. He bounced into the kitchen, enticed by the smell of brewing coffee and declared that the day would be kick ass. We both felt like puppies this morning! I told him I had trouble sleeping and when he asked why, I responded, "I think I'm just too excited about life." Isn't that an odd thing to say? It wasn't premeditated so it must be true! He said, "Me, too!" as he whooped his way up the stairs to get ready for a day of painting and money-making.

This morning took Madeleine to Landmark - she wanted to do it too. Great one-on-one time with her in the car. In keeping with my new motto, "being on time is for losers!", we got there an hour early (I just didn't know what to expect traffic-wise). So we sat in the car and talked for an hour while she waited until the appointed hour. I'm hoping she gets as much out of it as I did. Lately I'm on fire, full of vitality, getting stuff done, feeling good.

And here's the weird thing. I have never felt sadder or happier in my life. If I told you everything is wonderful, that my heart isn't full of sorrow, that I have no worries, I'd be lying - you would know I was lying. Friends can see the sadness in my eyes. And yet, I've never felt more squared away even though there are still lots of loose ends in my life. Keeping promises to myself and others, self-care, being productive, loving friends and family, being creative - all of it, amazing and the stuff of deep satisfaction and happiness - that chewy chocolate center I talk about once in a while.

My sister quoted a well-known therapist who said, "The whole point isn't to be happy - it's to be happier." Isn't that an amazing thought? Think about it! If you're waiting for that future moment when you can declare yourself "happy" - give yourself some USDA purple stamp that says "Happy", what's the likelihood that moment will ever come? I don't think we're wired to be happy - there is just too much stuff swirling around in our brains - we may be too complex to be simply "happy". But happier? Yeah, that's do-able, absolutely. And if you can say to yourself, "You know what? I'm happier than I have been in a while," that's something to be happy about.

So, yeah, I'm happier than I've been in a while. Not happy, but happier. And I'm struck by the realization that sorrow and joy cohabitate so easily together. These days I still cry every day - every day has some very difficult moments, but the days are also filled with laughter, joy, contentment and inspiration.

Today Madeleine asked me how my love life is. I told her, "nonexistant". Recent guy I corresponded with told me that my requirements eliminated 95% of the men on the site. I didn't think I was being picky or unreasonable when I described what I'm looking for. Do you?  Here is an excerpt from my profile:

You should message me if you are smart, confident, comfortable in your skin, well-educated, affectionate, and cultured. So far I've met a lot of very nice people, but for one reason or another, not "the one". This dating thing is mysterious to me - people can look great on paper, put their best foot forward on the phone and yet it seems we might have over-developed radar - are we so jaded that we just look for a reason why it won't work? I've got to remember that the man I last fell in love with met few of what I thought my requirements were: not my physical type, religious (I'm not), came from blue collar roots. I would never have given him an audience on this site. 

Means I've got to dig deeper to try and decipher where the attraction really lies. If I've got a type it's a guy who does something really well and is passionate about it. And yet I don't want to play second fiddle to that passion - I expect he will make me a priority - somehow juggling his two passions. If he has a hobby I hope he does it well cuz I would hate to have to support someone who was self-delusional (could never date a bad singer!) Character is paramount - I fell out of any love I had for my first husband when he pocketed a $20 dollar bill that a grandmother sent her grandson in a birthday card that was mistakenly delivered to our house. He was a hot shot attorney but lacked character. And I dislike Eyore's - people who just don't seem to find the good in a day - there is almost something worthy about every day. 

Thinking my guy will be accomplished, relaxed but passionate, ready to commit, will love me hook line and sinker (as I will him), he will not sweat the small things (use his zoom out lens under pressure), he won't be lazy but not frantic either, he'll enjoy an evening in, reading or playing Scrabble as much as nights out in a club enjoying my singing. He will love his mother - will make family a priority. He'll be the best of friends - there for people who need him. He will take care of himself - doesn't have to have a Greek figure but he will honor the "temple" by eating well, exercising, no smoking or substance abuse, etc. He will be firing on all cylinders, professionally, socially, fiscally, physically and creatively. 

That's a tall order, I know. Explains why I've been on this site almost a year but haven't found him. In the meantime, I've been holding myself to the same standards - working on all of the above. I'm happy but it would be kick ass to have someone to share it with. And if you're the one, and you finally find me after after a lifetime of looking (and waiting), I might say something really romantic like, "What took you so long?"

Challenge today is thinking about the concept of being happier. Thinking it dovetails with my post yesterday about "next steps". If you are NOT feeling happier, and can't imagine how your life could turn around so dramatically so that you could go from miserable to happy (that's like one of those big daunting projects), how about the thought of just being a little happier and identifying what the next step is, to make that happen? It could be something like carving out one day a week for solitary fishing, time to be with your own thoughts. Or it could mean cleaning your house from top to bottom. Or, taking a cooking course or a class in beer brewing. It could even be something as small as getting a pedicure or going to a great movie. Make a steady diet of that "next step improvement" and maybe you will feel just a smidge happier.

Peace,
Sarah