Tuesday...full day. Had a phone session with Kaveh this morning. Lots of client work to do, more work on the house and tonight pitching the parody song to the Women's Club for their spring show. It's also Shay's birthday so I'm taking him to dinner at the restaurant Madeleine works at (we get to watch her hostess). Thinking the other two girls might join us too. Everyone loves Shay and wants to honor his special day - he's 22 today.
Something I find befuddling. As you begin to care well for yourself, the list of "shoulds" just grows and grows - the things we need to do to be firing on all cylinders. Even just the self care items take a significant chunk out of the day. Here are some of the things I struggle to fit into the day. Thinking your list is similar.
- Upon waking, stretching in bed (leg lifts and quad flexes).
- Make bed and tidy bedroom
- Most days, load of laundry.
- Dress and affix pedometer and ActiveLink (new WW monitor I've been wearing)
- Feeding animals
- Scraping cat box
- Healthy breakfast.
- Dishes from night before
- Vitamins
- Make list
- Physical therapy exercises (morning and evening)
- Blog
- 10,000 steps
- bills
- recycling
- trash
- work
- car wash
- dry cleaning
- water pic - daily
- flossing - daily
- bath
- salon - weekly
- new vocal exercises - daily
- grocery shopping
- yard work
- and the beat goes on, and on and on
It's such a challenge to take care of yourself, your environment, your dependents, your clients, etc. Feeling breathless.
Today, teary talk with Kaveh. Plans to drive to Louisville on Sunday September 16th, sleep over and see him for a final, in-person session on Monday. But by the end of the call, he said, "we still have things to talk about". And he's the one who originally floated the idea of bringing the work to a close. I know what you're thinking - he's just trying to milk it. Not so..he doesn't need the money and he wants me launched.
We spent the majority of the hour talking about love and loss. I confessed my struggles - just yesterday I found myself within a mile or so of Patrick's house after a client meeting in Elmhurst. The meeting was good - new project. They're excited/I'm excited. So I was feeling positive and forward moving when I left the meeting and yet I still set the GPS to his address and within minutes I was sitting outside his little house, just taking it all in, feelings washing over me, wondering what I was doing to myself by feeding the flame. Didn't stay for long - didn't cry. Blew his house a kiss as I left and felt close to him. On the drive home, a few tears which makes driving on the expressway a bit dicey, but I shook it off and then, at the top of my lungs practiced the silly song I'm pitching tonight. I'm getting used to dueling forces in my brain - the love that won't die, the will that says, "live".
So that's the theme for today - the idea that we can live a crazy, funny, passionate, jam-packed life alongside pain and sorrow. Kaveh says growth always comes from adversity. When life is just ticking along, there's not much opportunity for transformation. But when life kicks you in the gut and your organs are spilling all over the street, it's do or die - you either curl up fetal or you find your own true grit and find a way to keep on going. The strongest people, he says, make something of the experience and find themselves richer for the whole ordeal. K. says I experienced something rare and wonderful - that real love is something that astounds him - it's uncommon. He's not encouraging that I'll ever find another person I will love as well. I have to accept that and treasure the gift.
Challenge today is giving thought to Kaveh's words - that, when life brings you strife, it's an opportunity for growth. Important to recognize that many people don't do anything with the opportunity. I'm sure you know people who have been dealt a major blow and who never rally. I know people who seemed to weather a storm OK, but who, years later, seem beaten down and cynical. They were broken open by tragedy and like a badly set leg, the healing wasn't good - they were left a cripple. If you're suffering hardship, faced with adversity, finding it hard to find the goodness in life, how about this? Think to yourself that you WILL heal - in a year or two's time, you will still be here - time will have elapsed. Things will be different - you'll still be essentially you. But you will be different inside, your life will have been shaped from the adversity. What do you wish for your future self?
I like the image of trees. Imagine yourself as a good tree, solid, straight and true, branches reaching for the sun's goodness. Upon closer examination, there are scars in the trunk - maybe a missing limb that's healed over. But you're still a strong tree - your trunk is solid, your weight distributed well - you are a happy home to a host of chatting squirrels and birds. Contrast that with a tree who was struck by lightening. It grows but barely, much of it is hollowed out by opportunistic insects, the trunk is deformed and doesn't provide a solid foundation to the anemic limbs above. It can barely support itself, never mind animals friends.
I know I will heal. There will be a time in my future that will feel very different. There will be more love. Visualization. When that future comes, I want to be the tree that stands taller and stronger - a tree that was tested and held up - hardened but not hard. A tree that people seek sanctuary under. I will carry my scars proudly but humbly as evidence of my strength. My arms will reach sturdily for the sun.
I'm grateful for the adversity. It is making me a better woman.
Peace,
Sarah
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