I'm the Wagon/"What Do You Eat for Breakfast?

Friday's here in case you hadn't noticed! Tonight Christ and I at Schaller's - haven't seen him for a while - been licking my wounds over the whole "I've been dating" thing and wondering what it is about me that makes me date-unworthy in his eyes. But Landmark - "Accept other people for who they are and who they're not." So, we'll play music together tonight, talk about great books, compare notes about what we're doing to live a life we love (Landmark).  We're foodies so we'll talk ingredients and recipes and I'll tell him about Wheat Belly. And we'll both share worries about our kids like parents do when they get together. Friends.

Tomorrow date with Luke.....have been waiting to be swept off my feet but he's  been circling the wagons (I'm the wagon apparently), calling occasionally but nothing more.  Yesterday I broke down and said, "I have no plans for Saturday - do you want to do something." He was delighted but why the heck do I keep having to make the first move? My theory is that he's frightened of me, attracted and repelled simultaneously. He knows me well enough by now to know that I'm seriously powerful and results oriented - that there would be no being with me part way - he would have to jump in with both feet. There would be no place to hide his feelings - a relationship with me would mean peeling away the artifice and layers of protection. These days my bull-shit meter is well tuned. I want and expect "real". Maybe he just isn't ready for that and he knows it.

The food thing has thrown me for a loop. It's seriously as if I had just moved to Portugal with all the challenges  that would entail. Learning a new language, finding lodging, setting up an infrastructure, making friends, finding a dry cleaner. Starting completely from scratch. All my life I've eaten wheat, dairy and lots of fruit. Now I'm being told no dairy or wheat and moderate the fruit. Mark was up yesterday and he shared what works for him - i.e. "What do you eat for breakfast?" I asked. (Answer: a couple of hard boiled eggs and a handful of almonds and a clementine - or something like that)

The hard part is when you compile all the current food wisdom and try to create a roadmap for your own healthy initiatives. Wheat Belly would have you eliminate wheat altogether, limit fruit and other grains so as to mitigate the blood sugar/insulin effect, but still enjoy cheese and all uncured meats. Body Ecology requires 80% of your intake to be vegetables. Many nutritionists counsel no dairy but some of my friends say goat is fine. All oils but coconut and olive seem to be out of favor and food needs to be cooked barely at low temperatures. Sugar is a huge no-no including honey and maple syrup and even agave syrup - seems Stevia and Truvia are OK. Substituting wheat flower with tapioca, potato or rice flour is a mistake, but almond flour (which is really just ground up almonds), flax flour or coconut flour is fine. Soy's out of favor - small amounts are OK but almond cheese works.  And all of this needs to be eaten with mindfulness of calorie content if weight loss is a goal. Arg!

My goal - negotiating all this wisdom into a food plan that incorporates the following:

• Simple and affordable
• Delicious
• Supports weight loss
• Doesn't require huge amounts of cooking
• Has enough variety
• Is sustainable
• Allows me to eat out with friends

Today, I put pencil to paper and made a list of things I CAN have (trying not to focus on what I can't eat). The list is lovely with plenty of variety. I'm headed to the store today to stock up on ingredients - my pantry is going to look very different than in the past!  Here is just some of what I'll be eating in the days to come.

• Tuna made with my own homemade mayonnaise - just looked at the olive oil mayo I bought at Whole Foods - primary ingredients are unhealthy oils with olive oil too far down the list. Mayo is easy to make in the blender - eggs and oil - so I'll make my own.
• Delicata Squash Curry - I'll have it with a very small amount of brown rice and no chutney, raisins or banana on top
• Apple Slaw 
• Roasted Cauliflower
• Wilted Arugula
• Asparagus Soup
• Spicy avocado lettuce rolls
• Cabbage white bean soup
• Spring rolls with ginger carrot dipping sauce (need to get wheat-free soy sauce)
• Healthy lean meats cooked at a low temperature

THIS IS AN ADVENTURE AND A WORTHY ONE!  When I've put all the pieces together and have adopted this new way of nourishing myself, I expect the rewards to be enormous: kick-starting the weight loss, pain-free joints, good brain health (no unhealthy dementia-causing plaque), proper body Ph which means my body won't be self-correcting a too acid ecology by leaching alkaline from my bones, vitality (evidenced in great hair and skin and energy), increased libido, a great old age!

Challenge for you is considering, just considering there may be much you need to learn about good body ecology. There is new wisdom, backed up by credible science, that turns much of what we think is healthy on its head. And you already probably suspect there's a better way. If you feel sluggish, joints hurt, sleep bad, digestion a problem, have health problems that require medication, experience low libido or dysfunction, have skin issues, are getting forgetful - much of this can absolutely be reversed with proper nutrition. And if Sarah has her say and applies her culinary acumen, we can absolutely love our daily fare and not feel deprived one bit. It is just going to take adjustment. It will be our new norm.

Peace,

Sarah

A Beetle and a Barbell/Not so "Healthy Grains"

It's really Wednesday night but writing this early. Writing group was fun tonight - we had five folks and I led the prompts. No Lucas or Convex - Lucas in is Urbana during the week these days and Convex had to work. The three musketeers are stretched far and wide! I held down the fort. First prompt I threw down was some special dice for writing inspiration I just bought. Each person got two dice - one a thing and the other an action. I rolled a beetle and a man lifting a barbell. This is what I wrote:

*************************

Suzie liked Ralph. Ralph didn't even know Suzie existed - or so she thought. And maybe it was the way he looked right through her when he passed her in the halls that made her take notice of him - being ignored was, in a weird way, kind of a turn-on.

Because really, no one ignored Suzie - ever - she made sure of that. Pretty she was - blond white hair razor cut to just beneath her chin - pouty lips made even more so with a potion of stinging nettle and bee venom that caused them to swell, enormous wide set crystalline blue eyes that always looked surprised, and a barely there button nose.

But there were lots of pretty girls at Harrison High - that's not what made Suzie stand out. It was her revolving portable menagerie - one day a garter snake necklace who she kissed on the lips as she walked the halls. Another day, her hamster Henry that ran from hand to hand or along the wall on a tiny leash. The teachers and hall monitors had a fit of course and Suzie spent a lot of time in the principal's office but lately they gave her wide berth - ever since that snitch Sally South found a family of beetles in her lunch sack - everyone knew they were Suzie's. Only Ralph seemed unimpressed - preferring the company of lesser girls, turning his back when she brushed too close.

"Wanna hold my boa?" Suzie asked him one day, frustrated into conversation.

"Not really."

"Why don't you like me?"

"What do you mean?"

"I saw the way you looked at me in the gym yesterday when you were lifting weights - that wasn't a friendly look - you could have smiled back or something."

"You don't know why?" Ralph asked, looking her in the eyes for the first time.

"Know what?"

"The only reason you like me is because I look just like you."

Suzie stared at Ralph. He was right. His straight platinum hair fell to his shoulders. His baby blues were like hers, beautifully startling. his lower lip pouted.

"So, you're saying I'm vain?" Suzie asked, flipping her hair in what she hoped was an alluring and petulant way.

"No, I'm saying you're dumb not to see what's right in front of your face."

"I don't get you at all. Do you want to hold Bella Lugosi or what?" Suzie was losing patience with Ralph's cryptic comments.

"Suzie, it's no accident you moved here - to this town - where I live. What did your mother tell you?"

"I dunno - something about a guy who was willing to help us - hoping the dude would leave his wife or something. I didn't really pay attention - she always has some guy doing stuff for her. I don't even know who my father is."

"I do," said Ralph.

****************************

Turning in to bed now. Hoping tomorrow is less confusing eating-wise. Finished the Wheat Belly book today - just plowed through it and oh my - humans and wheat should have parted ways 40 years ago. There is not a one among us for whom wheat is a good thing. It's really sad that something so delicious and prevalent is so bad for us. Read this book and you will agree that there is not one good thing to be said for wheat - not even hockey puck, sprouted ancient wheat bread. It's all deadly. And what a racket has been perpetrated on us by not only giant food companies but our own government who sits on the research that links wheat consumption with a myriad of illnesses. And yet we are still told to eat plentiful amounts of "healthy grains".  So wrong and it will make you mad once you see wheat for the problem it is.

Challenge today is getting that book. It's not pop science - I promise. Today I ordered twelve copies and I'm giving the book to everyone I love.

Peace,
Sarah

Too Many Cats to Skin/Health Havoc in Humans

Wednesday - looking forward to tea with Una (neighbor). We've decided to do a weekly Wednesday coffee (or tea) klatch which is great. We both work from home and risk becoming isolated. She's a smart and interesting lady and I'm not just saying that cuz she reads this blog! (Hi, Una!) Then tonight, the writing group. Funny how I get performance anxiety each and every day leading up to this group write - it always amazes me when I pull writing rabbits out of my hat and come up with stories worth reading. Each time, before we meet, I've pretty much convinced myself this will be the night 'I got nuthin'". The writing muse will have deserted me.

Today, I'm wrestling with conflicting information overload on a bunch of fronts - just too many ways to skin cats. Case in point. Ironically the "Getting Things Done" seminar I went to has resulted in me getting less done. I've got this vision of technology that works for me - easy to use, requiring minimum data entry - a way for me to streamline my efforts and work no matter where I am. All this technology exists but, because there are so many platforms we use, there are a myriad of options. Do I use Outlook as my main data entry point? Do I overlay it with the GTD Outlook add-on to enhance its capabilities? Is my phone synching properly with both my personal and business e-mail accounts? Are my calendars synching - are entries made at my desk showing on my phone and vice versa? Should I use EverNote to manage data capture and task lists - or OmniView? How does DropBox figure into the equation? So yeah, ironic that I'm sitting in the cracks, knowing my paper lists are not a complete solution but not knowing exactly how I'm going realize my vision. Arg.

And the eating thing just got really confusing. I suspect I'm headed somewhere really good - a way of eating that incorporates the best of Weight Watchers with an overlay of Wheat Belly and The Body Ecology.  Something needs to change because before the holidays I had ratcheted my calories down to about 1,000/day and my weight persisted in staying the same. NOT OK. Yesterday the two books came and I'm a quarter through Wheat Belly. Thinking you're all going to get a copy from me for Christmas - it's a must read! The Body Ecology book looks daunting - a quick skim revealed it's not a quick fix. It starts with a cleanse and a drastically ascetic way of eating for a period of time to give your gut a chance to reset - you then slowly add healthy foods back in but never again partake of sugars, gluten and all the other fun stuff. Liza says she'll do it with me after the holiday. Gulp.

And because I hadn't read Wheat Belly yet when I went to Whole Foods, I made what is a typical mistake for someone bent on giving up gluten - I scoured the aisles for wheat and dairy substitutes and ended up with a cart of things like Udi's gluten-free raisin bagels, their bread too, wasabi rice crackers, tortilla chips, wheat-free cereal, Fig Newmans (Paul's version of Fig Newtons that are dairy and gluten free), as well as almond cheese, almond milk, coconut milk, coconut creamer for my coffee, and more - you get the idea. Then this morning, I read, "Do not buy gluten-free products!" Seems that, even without the gluten, they have a deleterious effect on blood sugar levels - they break down into simple sugars as rapidly as table sugar or wheat products. Arg...going to pack it all up and cart it back to WF today. Learning!!

So this book, Wheat Belly, it makes dramatic claims. Should we believe William Davis, MD, the author we will embrace the following. He says,

"Documented peculiar effects of wheat on humans include appetite stimulation, exposure to brain-active exorphins (the counterpart of internally derived endorphins), exaggerated blood sugar surges that trigger cycles of satiety alternating with heightened appetite, the process of glycation that underlies disease and aging, inflammatory and pH effects that erode cartilage and damage bone, and activation of disordered immune responses. A complex range of diseases results from consumption of wheat, from celiac disease - the devastating intestinal disease that develops from exposure to wheat gluten - to an assortment of neurological disorders, diabetes, heart disease, arthritis, curious rashes, and the paralyzing delusions of schizophrenia."

The science underlying these claims appears to be sound  - none of this is new information, some of the studies on, for instance, wheat and schizophrenia go back decades. What is relatively new is the problem humans now have with wheat that can be traced back to well-intentioned modifications made to increase hardiness and yield - about 40 years ago. Now, over 90% of the wheat grown in the world is high yield dwarf wheat that was bred with hugely heavy heads requiring shorter sturdier stems to keep the heads from flopping. The fellow who created the hybrid got a Nobel prize for his part in reducing world hunger. Problem is, the hybridization created new proteins in the wheat not found in either of the parent strains and it's these new proteins that are wreaking health havoc in humans.

I'll keep you abreast of my reading on this subject and let you know what's working for me eating-wise as I make the drastic change to no dairy or wheat. I plan on, at least initially, making this a fun obsession and getting really creative in figuring out how one can eat well and enjoyably while eschewing these ingredients.  Challenge!!!!! (and I love a challenge!)

And yours today could be clicking over to Amazon or going to your local bookstore and picking up a copy of Wheat Belly - it's on the New York Times bestseller list, I believe, so you're bound to run into others who are pondering this same topic - contemplating giving it up.

Peace,
Sarah

"What If"/Direct Your Gaze Elsewhere

Tuesday and lacking enthusiasm for the day.....but that's OK. These kinds of days have their place too. Thinking much of it has to do with Day#2 of no wheat or dairy. Jones-ing!!! Doesn't help that I'm clueless about all the things people do to compensate - things like soy or almond milk in coffee, non-dairy cheese, gluten free baked goods. I have none of those things (will have to go to Whole Foods today and spend quality time in the aisles reading labels). When I open my frig or cabinets there is almost nothing I can have. This morning for breakfast - cheese-less omelet cooked with spray, sugar-free applesauce and six almonds. That's OK, right? It just took a while to eliminate most of what was available to me (out with the Seed-uction bread, the cheese drawer will become a something-else-drawer, yogurt and cottage cheese given away as well as all the crackers, granolas, and other wheat based staples. Think this will be a rough week - I'm actually feeling queasy and achy - are these already withdrawal symptoms?

Last night Petterino's with Judy and Bernie - fun - we sang well. The cast from The Gift of the Magi was there and regaled us with tunes from the show. Then a special treat - a cast member from Les Miserables who sang the song "On My Own". It was absolutely beautiful, delivered perfectly - showy but intimate and believable. I wept a little.

This morning, read an article in the NYT that caught my eye, The Snake in the Garden. It was on the "most e-mailed" list so the topic must resonate. And even though it wasn't a holiday piece, it was relevant as we ramp up to what can be a very anxious time of year. Oh, and to underscore that? Yesterday I went through pounds and pounds of mail - all the unwanted catalogues that assault my mailbox - catalogues I lug upstairs - a full bagful every day that I have to sort through, put in the recycling bin and then bag up on trash day and lug again to the alley. One makeup catalogue caught my eye - on the cover - "Holiday Survival Guide". I thought, "How terribly awful that we have institutionalized holiday excesses to the point where where we need survival guides!!"  How about a new possibility - writing our own "Holiday Thriving Guide"?

Anyway, back to the article. The writer, Pico Iyer, struggles with anxious voices in his head - he even wrote a book called, The Man Within My Head. He writes about going to an idyllic retreat and spending the time worrying about things being perfect for his friend who made plans to come for the final weekend. He wants to share the perfectness of the experience, wants the clouds to be picturely perfect, frets about the upcoming forecast, worries if some of the Christian decorations might trigger unwanted memories - hopes the food he prepares will please. Each day in solitude he churns these thoughts in his head, making himself crazy but unable to relinquish the worry - latching onto it for something to do, something to fill the void and the emptiness of the retreat's solitude. His mind can't still and empty out - can't simply take in the view of the ocean and the "golden poppies and lupines everywhere".  It needs to command and control - and worry.

The irony, Pico Iyer describes, is that the friend never comes - cancels at the last minute. "I realized that the only thing I'd done was to exile myself from Paradise, anguishing over what never came to pass." He goes on to describe that the things we worry about rarely come to pass - that the bad stuff that happens most often comes straight out of the blue. What's more, when bad things happen (and they do), we typically handle them with calm and grace - adversity brings out the best in most of us.

All the real challenges of my, or any life - the forest fire that did indeed destroy my home and everything in it; the car crash that suddenly robbed dozens of us of a cherished friend; my 13-year-old daughter's diagnosis of cancer in its third stage - came out of the blue; they're just what I had never thought to worry about. And every time some kind of calamity has come into my life, I and everyone around me have responded with activity, unexpected strength, even an all but unnatural calm......it's only when we're living in the future, the realm of "what if," that we brilliantly incapacitate ourselves.

Landmark would have us exercise a new muscle - giving up the feeling that something is wrong (or about to be wrong). Think of it! Bad stuff is absolutely going to happen to you and those you love - there's shit out there that's waiting in store. BUT, it's not the shit you think is going to happen! My sister never in a thousand years thought she was going to get breast cancer - it doesn't run in our family. Families on the East Coast were probably not spending time worrying about hurricanes before Sandy! I remember being on the phone with my brother making plans for a joint gift for our parents when a call came in - he asked me to hold - I waited for a long time. When he came back on the phone, he told me it was the State Police - his wife's parents were killed while crossing the street. The call came from Utica New York - the parents had stopped there for the night en route to spend Christmas with David and Nancy. They were run over while crossing the street, going to dinner.

The cure? Pico Iyer instructs, "Direct our gaze elsewhere." When those anxious thoughts do a bug dance in our heads, recognize them as unhelpful noise. Maybe spend a moment or two taking them on and saying something like "Yup, that might happen. I might end up on the streets. My furnace might blow up. The roof might blow off. My grandchild might run across the street and get hit by a bus. I might lose all my teeth. He might leave." Yup, yup, yup. It's all possible but improbable too. It's more likely your future will throw you a curve.

Better to just surrender to the unknowing - direct your gaze elsewhere.  Enjoy the lupines (or more apt for this time of year, a crackly fire) - it's what's in front of you.

Peace,

Sarah

Ovations/Different Drummer

It's Sunday - thinking to write this today - all the things that piled up last week undone beg to be worked on tomorrow so best if I can hit the ground running in the AM. And today I'm still digging out from Thanksgiving. That last hour before people came found us zipping around the house, tucking things here and there (piles of magazines under the couch, everything without a home dumped into my beautiful office). An illusion of neatness!  Didn't write on Friday because I was experiencing some ambivalence about the holiday and I didn't want to come off as whiny or complaining. And the truth is, it was an amazing event, went off with nary a hitch.  And yet.....there is stuff to process.

This morning had tea with Mark (downstairs tenant) and he helped me sort through the conflicting feelings. Later talked further with Elizabeth and I've now reached a decision to do something entirely different next year. 'Twas a good exercise to crystallize my thoughts - distill all the noise down to what's really relevant  Mark asked, "What do you get out of throwing a Martha Stewart Thanksgiving?" Thought for a long time - didn't answer right away - just waited for the truth to bubble up. "Three things," I finally answered. "I love an enormous challenge - probably would have enjoyed the job of moving an army from one theater to another - all the challenges and logistics. I enjoy creating a tableau in my head - or an outcome - and then bringing it to life - executing with precision. It's the same with preserving - I envision having hundreds of jars of strawberry preserves to put up for the winter/give as gifts,etc. and then I go about the grueling task of making that happen.  So that's #1 - the epic challenge - pushing myself physically to the limit of endurance. Bringing a possibility to life. Next, is applause - hostessing is a kind of performance art - done well and roses are strewn in your path. I perform then take a bow - I love the ovations! Finally, I truly get pleasure from giving other people pleasure. Creating a venue where people are connecting, laughing, appreciating each other, sharing intimately - creating a space for that to happen gives me great satisfaction.

BUT!!! The downside of being epic is huge! The distraction of putting everything else (important stuff) on hold while conceiving and creating the event. The enormous expense involved with large scale entertaining - the meal was over $500. The toll it takes on the ecosystem that's in place - so much gets discombobulated (healthy protocols are put on the shelf, the house is upheaved, relationships can be stirred up). And exhaustion - bone tired weariness  - Thursday evening found me nursing a very unhappy and inflamed knee. Finally - the mess - I am still cleaning up, washing and ironing linens, putting platters on too-high shelves, restoring order. I'm reminding myself over and over again - "You chose this!"

Decision made with Elizabeth's help. No more MS Thanksgivings until at least a time in the future when our nuclear family is larger to include spouses and grandchildren and, even then, I'm hoping to be a secondary player in making the feast - soon it will be time to pass the baton on to one of the girls and let them host at their house. Until that time, we will find a small exquisite restaurant to feast at.  I will have cooked a few "leftovers" for them to divvy up after the meal out - a small turkey and they each get to request their favorite dish (a pie for Elizabeth, green bean casserole for Madeleine and stuffing for Catherine is my guess). Feeling like this is the end of an era - Sarah's epic Thanksgivings come to a close - maybe I'll even put the pumpkin tureen on Ebay!  I've decided life is too short to get stuck in traditions just for the sake of tradition. And what was once new and exciting over time becomes wearying and less gratifying. Definitely time for a change.

I had to utilize my zoom out lens. Told Mark I believe too often we act in an involuntary way - out of tradition, habit, expectation, path of least resistance, etc. Example is the whole cell phone thing - allowing others to command and control us - slaves to beep beeps - Pavlovian. Sometimes, it's like we're in a field of poppies -  aware that others are pulling our strings but heavy-limbed and unable to rouse ourselves and say, "This is NOT my path! I hear a different drummer!"  Cut the puppeteers strings.

This year, Landmark has me questioning everything.  For me, and lots of others I suspect, Christmas is an unstable time of year - tiny childhood feelings that percolate to the surface, anxiousness about meeting other peoples' needs and expectations, self-indulgence and loss of control - a mindset that this time of year we're allowed to overdo and cast our good intentions to the wind, sights and sounds that overstimulate us, nostalgia and wistfulness - longing for things and people who elude us. Some of us dance and laugh and drink way to much in an effort to distract ourselves from pain. These things - all these things - I think they seduce and delight us while at the same time knock the wind from our sails.  January 1st arrives with predictability and with it, too often, regret and a wish that it had all been more authentic and meaningful. 

And so, the challenge this holiday season - if any of the above resonates with you - is to sit quietly and create a new possibility. You can absolutely wipe the slate clean and start fresh. You don't have to do ANY of it! AND you can make brand new traditions that more closely align with your heart's desires. What would that look like? You decide! I'm getting out my calendar and creating my own advent of things to do each day in December that supports my desire for health and intimacy. I will make time for everyone important and honor them in a modest and meaningful way.  This holiday will not be about food except for a traditional Christmas brunch - no fruitcakes or thousands of cookies. My goal is that, on January 1st, I will feel healthy, have a warm glow from meaningful time spent with loved ones, and feel on top of my infrastructure.

I'll leave you with this. If December is a dread month for you, you're not alone. As wonderful as it can be - and it is - the goodwill that's palpable, the beautiful sights and sounds, the creaturely foods, the time spent with family - it also can slip into a time of scary excess and make you feel like you're losing your way. It's almost December 1st - how about using this next week to get out a paper and pencil and create a personal Christmas mission statement?!

Peace,

Sarah

Thanksgiving Madness/"I Will Sweep You Off Your Feet!"

Thanksgiving madness over here! But so much fun! Lots of work interspersed with fun conversation and ducking out for visits with people. Last night sat with Carla and Alan in their gorgeous lakefront mansion (nothing between them and the lake), was nourished by the fun conversation, the unauthorized martini and their amazing conversation. Mostly Carla and I like to talk about recipes and Alan and I like to talk about jazz. Great friends. Today is Lucas' birthday so I'll duck out and take her to lunch - she turns 40 today and her family is a little clueless about how to make her happy. I have a great present for her (not going to write it here in case she reads this before we lunch) and I'll also take her to dinner sometime this weekend with Convex.

And Luke.....he's stepping up.  "I WILL SWEEP YOU OFF YOUR FEET!" he declared last night in his loud, over the top, hyper-energetic way that makes me smile - I adore his enthusiasm for life - it's infectious. He might cancel plans to go to California to spend tomorrow with me instead. We'll see - that would definitely be sweepy.

Carmen is here today making the house gorgeous (my cleaning lady). Somehow I'll find the time to send her home with a pumpkin pie for her own holiday table. Shay and I had a good talk yesterday and there is harmony again (it was getting rough for a while). Elizabeth is coming over tonight to set the tables and Madeleine is coming today to pitch in too. Last night I arranged the flowers - gorgeous. In addition to the centerpiece each person will have their own personal arrangement above their knife - they are adorable - purple calla lillies, greens and spears of asparagus.

Here's my menu:

Orchard Cocktail

Parsnip Onion Soup

Beet, Pear and Warm Goat Cheese Salad

Vegetable Terrine

Roast Turkey

Sausage Bread Stuffing

Gravy

Mashed Potatoes

Sweet Potato Casserole with a Streusel Topping

Green Bean Casserole

Creamed Onions

Corn Souffle

Pear Walnut Jello Salad

Cranberry Relish

Cranberry Sauce

Pumpkin Bread

Cranberry Nut Bread

Parker House Rolls

Pumpkin Pie

Apple Pie

Pecan Pie

Gotta run...time to mash the potatoes.  Oh, and your challenge? Have a wonderful Thanksgiving of course!  I won't write tomorrow - "see" you on Friday.

Peace,

Sarah

This year - it's all about family right?  See me? -  I'm in the right hand corner.

Wheat Belly/Liking Luke

Wednesday - Thanksgiving countdown! So far I've made the cranberry nut bread, pumpkin bread, jello salad, cranberry relish, prepped the add-ins for the stuffing, made the streusel topping for the sweet potatoes - oh and the soup is made. Today more trips to the grocery and an expensive trip to the liquor store. Making a signature Thanksgiving cocktail - Calvados (apple liquor), Matthilde (pear liquor), cognac, Grand Marnier, lime juice and a dash of bitters - shaken with ice and strained into a martini glass. Garnish is a sprig of rosemary with a few cranberries threaded on it. I plan on having two of them and being very very silly!

Last night, Petterino's with friend Adrienne and then to Serbian Village to take in old flame, Tommy's pro jazz jam session. I hadn't seen him in about six months and he noticed right away that I've lost a bunch of weight. Fun to flirt with him again - he played me my favorite tune, "Someday My Prince Will Come" - astounding the way he and the other jazz musicians play that melody. Adrienne love it too. And today a seductive rambly voice mail from Luke (we still don't know what his secret is). My message back to him, "I'm waiting for you to sweep me off my feet....I'm really in the mood to be swept!"  The guy is adorable - not for everyone - he has a tendency to bounce off walls and forget getting a word in edgewise - but I like him nevertheless! He is smart, smart, smart with a sweet and generous way of being.  Oh, and I think I never told you the ending to the story about when we went on a date. I asked him despite my concerns that he was a ne'er do well - knew he didn't have a job. When he picked me up (with really beautiful flowers) I thought to take my car, thinking he probably drove a jalopy with a sign for pizza on his roof. I was surprised to be ushered into his spotless BMW - reason he doesn't work is because he doesn't have to, having sold his investment banking firm about ten years ago.  So, mysterious, smart, handsome, funny, well-to-do, did I mention smart, well-read, generous and hilarious - a possibility, yes?

Wheat is on my mind today after having had tea with Mark the other day (downstairs tenant). He just finished a book called Wheat Belly. At first I thought, "Oh no....Mark is one of those gluten-free nuts. I'm SOO not interested in the whole gluten thing!"  To me it's smacked of psudo-illnesses like fibromyalgia  Seems like a fad - the whole wheat anxiety thing and I find it hard to believe that all of a sudden all these people have discovered they're allergic to gluten. Think back to your parents generation - did they even know what gluten was?

But I listened politely and now I'm starting to give serious thought to the discussion. Will start by reading the book. These are a few of the things that I'm thinking of:

• We are, as a culture, addicted to wheat. Think of it! It's not uncommon for a typical American eating day to include wheat at every meal with a few wheat snacks thrown in - a huge and steady diet of wheat is the norm.  Common sense tells us that anything eaten in such quantity over swaths of time might not be good for us. There is little else that we eat with such passion and regularity - maybe coffee, sugar certainly, cheese, liquor.
• When I've gone on low carb diets in the past, my joints feel instantly better. It's something I've observed - didn't know what to attribute it to.  Now I'm thinking that wheat may have an inflammatory effect on my body. 
• If I go low-carb (almost no wheat) my mood plummets and I feel irritable and depressed - nothing is good.  I've observed the mood-altering affects of carbs and now I'm thinking that it's specifically wheat.
• Mark described how wheat was, once upon a time, really compatible and good for us - reason why it's been called the "staff of life."  But in recent history wheat has undergone a dramatic change - engineered for larger yields and hardiness. Even before GMO they were monekying with wheat. The book says these "improvements" were accompanied by other inadvertent changes that caused wheat to have unusual characteristics. It now causes spikes in blood sugar that exceed even table sugar, and because of the insulin effect it is converted instantly into fat. What's more the genetic modifications have enabled wheat to be broken down into poly-something chains that can actually cross the blood-brain barrier. Once inside our brains the chains attach themselves to pleasure receptors (like drugs). That explains why I can feel suicidal without carbs!!!  Me, with no substance abuse problems - wrong - I'm a wheat-a-holic!!!!!
• Just last night asked Becky Menzie the great pianist and perform about her diet (WW is just not working well for me anymore). She has lost a significant amount of weight. "Simple!" she says. 'Just eliminate gluten and dairy and exercise a lot." She follows an anti-inflammatory diet in which wheat has no place.

This is a work in progress - need more research to bolster this anti-wheat discussion. I'll start by reading the book. I'll pick up information about anti-inflammatory ways of eating, get on line to read the latest thinking about wheat. 

Here's a thought for you. Can you think of any food (OK, maybe chocolate) where, if you told someone they had to give it up, would put them in a tizzy? Tell someone they have to give up wheat and I'm thinking those are fighting words. Shouldn't that be the tip-off right there that something is amiss? If I told you, you had to give up rice or potatoes or tortillas you might be chagrined but I doubt it would send you to an anxious place. But tell someone, "No wheat," and I'll bet there are those among us for whom just the thought is deeply disturbing. That, my friends, is how drug abusers feel when told they have to go straight!

Challenge today is doing your own research into this. Maybe those anti-gluten people aren't nuts after all. I also conjecture that we might ALL be allergic to wheat even if we don't exhibit typical symptoms. Mark said the doctor who wrote the book noted that a whole host of conditions his patients came to him with disappeared when they gave up wheat.

Gotta run - my toast just popped up.

Peace,

Sarah

Fear of Chins/Equilibrium

Thanksgiving week and Monday. Weekend was OK - how about you? This Monday morning weekend wrap up thing I do - evaluating the weekend, do we all do that? Thinking we could roll out a new app for our smart phones where, when someone asks us how our weekend was, we can just flash a score like we're an Olympic judge. One thing for sure, no 9.9's for me since 6/13/11.

Highlights - singing at Schaller's on Friday - went with Adrienne and we had fun. I've got fans there who count on hearing certain songs - I was bought a drink for singing La Vie en Rose. Saturday good voice lesson with Mark, but at the end, he almost came to fisticuffs with a neighbor whose dog was on his lawn - there was actual shoving and lots of F-bombs and the neighbor even shoved Mark. Saturday, Lucas and Convex and good conversation at my house - not a federal holiday yet so just tea. Sunday, Nirav, the fellow from the American Cancer Society came over at noon and worked on the blanket (a gift for his cousin) while I got a jump on Thanksgiving cooking -he was here for six hours! Then last evening singing at 12 West Elm with friend Pam - it's a great venue with a great pianist/singer - Bob Solone. Come out one Sunday evening and hear us sing!

Phobias. I never knew there were such weird ones. For the writing group prompts last Wednesday I printed off a list of the odd ones - three pages! And oh my, if people really have some of these, my heart hurts for them. Can you imagine being deathly afraid of gravity (Barophobia)? Here are some of the ones that jumped out at me as especially bizarre:

Aerophobia: Fear of swallowing air
Arachibutyrophobia: Fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of the mouth.
Auroraphobia: Fear of Northern Lights
Catoptrophobia: Fear of mirrors
Chaetophobia: Fear of hair
Chromatophobia: Fear of colors
Eisoptrophobia: Fear of mirrors
Geniophobia: Fear of chins
Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia: Fear of long words (ha, ha, love this one!)
Levophobia: Fear of objects to the left side of the body
Metrophobia: Fear of poetry
Papyrophobia: Fear of paper
Xanthophobia: Fear of the color yellow

I studied the list and this is what I wrote.

"We're like the opposite of super heroes," Teeny said as he plopped his 300 pounds into a too-small chair that threatened to collapse under him. He was always late to group - the other four of us were used to his tardiness - used the time to chat. Lester had fantasized about us being crime fighting heroes - costumes and all. It was a stupid pipe dream - we weren't even allowed to leave the grounds of Belleview but fun, nevertheless, to think we were capable of being heroes. If nothing else, we had each other and our imaginations.

"What do you mean?" said Benny. He stared at his watch. I never once saw Benny look anyone in the eye. Didn't mean he wasn't paying attention. It's just that he had this thing about time. He was conviced that time would go backwards, accelerating in a matter of minutes back to the big bang if he didn't safeguard it, keep an eye on it. He alone, Benny, was the keeper of time - the protector of the universe and humanity. When he slept, he kept the timepiece duck-taped to his hairy chest. Apparently the beating of his heart also kept time from spiraling backwards.

"What I mean," said Teeny, "is that we're a bunch of misfits - if we were super heroes we wouldn't be prisoners in this hell-hole. He scowled at us with hostility. And I guess it pissed me off 'cuz I laughed at him - almost didn't live to write about it. Teeny's got this phobia about laughter - to him it's ten times worse than fingernails on a chalk board. All 300 pounds of him came flying out of his chair - he grabbed me around  my throat so hard my nose started to bleed down my favorite Jerry Garcia tee shirt.

That's when Alex lost it. "Oh God, Oh God, Oh God," he moaned as he stared at the blood dripping down my chin. Alex is deathly afraid of blood - can't even eat the prime rib we get once a year at Christmas. He thinks blood is alive - that, when we're born, we don't have any blood. Blood is transfused into us by alien doctors and nurses in the hospital as a way to control us and keep us dependent. Blood is actually an alien life form - a sentient being with consciousness, patrolling every inch of our bodies. From the look on his ghostly face, seeing my blood made his own blood drain to his feet. He fell to the floor, curled up in a fetal ball and sucked his thumb.

Lester tried to go to him to comfort but the problem was Alex was on his left side and Lester is deathly afraid of anything on his left side. He tried turning around but Alex was too close to the wall and he couldn't help him with his back turned - couldn't get Alex on his right side.

"Harold, what's going on here?" Nurse Ellie asked. She'd walked into a scene with me bloody, Lester facing the wall and wringing his hands, Benny cradling his watch chanting something, Teeny still murderous, pacing back and forth and Alex curled up in a corner.

"I dunno Ellie - it's just more of the same - you know." 

Oh, and me?  Why am I here? What is it I'm afraid of?........writing...............just holding a pen makes me feel like ending it sometimes. Writing this? Nurse Ellie said it would help - she calls it aversion therapy.

All for today. Full day - stuff for work. House to clean. More shopping. More cooking. Will get out all the fancy dishware - the pumpkin mugs, the tureen also in the shape of a tureen, the plates I only use on Thanksgiving with an acorn border, a serving platter in the shape of a leaf, beautiful autumnal stuff I've acquired over the years.

Challenge for you today is thinking about this upcoming week - many of you will be off work. You'll be seeing family you love but who can make you feel murderous or worse, like an insecure kid. You may struggle with maintaining your equilibrium - your healthy routines put on the shelf while you travel and accommodate  How about some visualization? Picture yourself laughing when your sister-in-law tells you it's good you have a day job cuz cooking just isn't your thing. Imagine yourself in a room full of over-inebriated obnoxious relatives who are spoiling for an argument - you are the one who switched to Perrier earlier in the evening and can get Cousin Charlie out in the fresh air - take him for a walk. When you're standing in line for security, maybe use it as a time to observe the human condition, marveling at the people and families you see, inventing back stories for each of them - surrendering to the indignities of travel. On my recent trip to Louisville, when the female security guard padded me down, (and wow, she REALLY was intrusive, including running her hands over my breasts and up into my inner thighs) I told her it was the most fun I'd had in a long time. She and I had a moment! :)

Peace,
Sarah

Howard R.I.P/Telepresence-True Embodiment

It's Friday - do you ever feel like a hamster on a wheel, doing the same drill over and over again? How many times, on this blog have I written those very words, "It's Friday?" And speaking of hamsters it bears telling that when I was a kid I had, over the course of about six years, sixty or so hamsters. I was a hamster lady - even took them to college with me (was not popular with my roommate who didn't enjoy the sound of their treadmills at night). A hamster whisperer really - I could nurse a sick hamster with wet tail disease back from the brink of death. Was an act of love -I held the hamster in my hands 24X7 to impart warmth (or tucked in my decolletage if I needed my hands). Point is, the little things were chilled, having lost their own internal thermometers - they needed ambient warmth and drops of water fed to them, often all through the day and night until they recovered. Wow, I'm on hamster memory lane this morning! Thinking of Howard - my hamster stud. First hamster I got and the last one to go - with many wives and children in between. He and I were tight - took him everywhere in my pocket. Only time we had a falling out was when I carelessly fed him taffy on a hot summer day and then kept him out all day so he couldn't empty his pouches. When we finally got home, it took hours and hours to pull the stringy taffy out of his cheeks - it was like watching a taffy pull. If hamster dirty looks could kill!

Anyway, back to Friday and, these days, my terror of weekends. Tonight Adrienne and I will go to Schaller's - I will try not to think of "he who shall not be named" when I sing heart wrenching torch songs. Won't text him or reach out to him - doing better with that these days. Not drinking vodka helps a lot! Tomorrow, voice lesson, event at the Women's Club, Lucas and Convex coming over in the evening and Sunday helping that American Cancer guy again with the throw he's trying to make for his cousin. Singing at 12 West Elm with friend Pam on Sunday evening.

Just read the latest New Scientist cover to cover. Really compelling articles - the front cover: "Homo Virtuous - Why We Evolved to be Good - and Evil", "The Higgs Problem - What exactly is that particle?", "The Calm after the Super-Storm - New York Prepares for Worse to Come", "Double Whammy - Swine Flu may also cause diabetes", "Anywhere, Anytime - The Amazing Powers of Telepresence."

Best article was the one on telepresence. I was unaware how far the technology has come and where it seems to be headed. Previous to reading the article, when I heard the word telepresence I thought Skype or company video conferences or distance learning classrooms - technology that's been with us a good while. So, I was surprised to read that robot surrogates are out there in the world, controlled by humans often half a planet away (think remote surgeons and soldiers controlling surveillance robots). "These virtual travelers can hold down nine-to-five jobs, fight wars and perform life-saving operations." Article highlighted a boy named Devon who has allergies so severe he can't leave his house. Yet, he goes to school every day. He moves between classrooms with his friends, gets in trouble from teachers for being late, is scolded if he's caught not paying attention and is, in many ways, just a normal kid. Yet, he's a a two-wheeled, 1.5 meter-tall, Segway-like robot called VGo.

The technology as it exists today blurs the boundaries of where you are in the world. Who is Devon? Is he the kid sitting in his bedroom pushing buttons or is he the roving Segway with a video screen for a head? When asked if he feels like he's at home or at school, he says, matter-of- factly, "Oh yeah, I'm definitely at school!"  What's more, that experience is about to be made even more real with advances to the technology. The goal is "true embodiment". "True embodiment goes far beyond classical telepresence by making you feel that the thing you are embodying is part of you," says Abderahmane Kheddar of the CNRS-AIST Joint Robotics Laboratory in Tsukuba, Japan. And in Pisa, Italy they're working on enhancements that will simulate sensations when you're controlling the remote robot. "All it takes is little vibrations over specific muscles, which stimulate sensory receptors that are then interpreted by the brain as movement in the associated joint."

So here you are sitting in your bedroom, stationary (maybe you are bedbound). You're controlling your robot - maybe you're a bedridden CEO that just can't give up the helm even though your body is wracked by MS. You Segway to the head of the board room table and remotely examine your underlings. They fail to pay you the respect they would if you were there live. You are incensed and slam your robot fist on the table. The hardness of the table is transmitted back to you and you actually feel as though you slammed the table. The room is too hot - sensors in the robot send that information back to you and suddenly your bedroom feels stifling. You Segway over to the thermometer in the board room and turn the heat down. And because you're a robot, you can control the meeting in a way your flesh and blood self couldn't. You have super hearing - can hear the derisive whispers of your underlings when you roll out the new sales comp plan. You are programmed to instantly and simultaneously analyze body language and facial expressions  - you know exactly, through analytics, who your allies and enemies are. What's more, you have facts and statistics at your fingertips - your robot knowledge can be instantly merged with your human intuition to make powerful and targeted arguments. The possibilities are limitless, right?

Quote:

The makers of telepresence technology ultimately aim to fully immerse our senses in a location far from our own. And this may inevitably raise the question of how we anchor ourselves in reality. When we can walk, talk and work in a distant land while our body resides at home, where do we exist at that moment in time? In the world that holds your body, or the one that holds your mind?

Challenge today is simply thinking of this emerging technology. It's really here - available for commercial consumption - use to cost close to $10K for a bot - now a company called Double Robotics (American company in Miami) has rolled out a roving telepresence robot with an IPad for a head "for the same price as a high-end laptop."  What do we think of this? Cool or scary?

Peace,
Sarah

One sweet application of the technology is giving bots to homesick kids in the hospital. They can "transport" themselves back home. Imagine waking in the night to a little bot standing by your bed, telling you it's thirsty!

Hunkering/Webbed Derek

It's Thursday with a heavy agenda. Hunkering down for winter - stuff that should have been done by now. When it snowed a little earlier in the week, it was a wake up call that we should expect an early winter (good if it holds off but we should expect it and  be ready for it). What's on your winter preparedness list? These are some of the things on mine:

• putty the windows. I use the same stuff my Dad used years ago. It's clay-like putty that comes as a roll. You press it into the cracks of the windows and it easily pulls off in the spring. If it's done neatly, it's unobtrusive.
• Got a cool thing for under the door to keep drafts from flowing in. It's a double channel of fabric into which you put foam cylindrical rods. You slip it under the door - nothing to fasten - it holds itself in place with the foam barrier on both the outside and the inside of your door.
• Turn off the outside water and put the hose away.
• Gutter guy coming today now that the last leaves have fallen from the elm tree.
• Leaves raked and disposed of.
• Garage door serviced.
• Snowblower tested - fresh gasoline and additive at the ready as well as the starter extension cord.
• Shovels inventoried and placed by doors
• De-icer purchased.
• Car tires inflated for winter
• Ice scraper in car
• Winter emergency items in car - shovel, ice grippers for getting unstuck, sleeping bag, water, granola bars.
• Gloves - dress and work accounted for
• Yak Trax  accounted for.
• Wood pile covered
• Fatwood kindling purchased
• Furnace serviced
• Currant bushes covered.
• Grills put away
• More!!!!!

Last night writing group. I led the prompts. One was picture collages with 4-5 disparate pictures taped together - bizarre images - the challenge to weave them into a story. The second prompt was a list of the 90 weirdest phobias. The last prompt was a list from the hilarious website Stuff White People Like.

Here's what I wrote for the picture prompt I chose which had a picture of a boy and girl kissing, a jellyfish, an armadillo, and a woman dancer with finger extension that made her look like a webbed animal. I ended up substituting a horseshoe crab for the armadillo (an armored animal).

I met Derek for the first time in Sandwich - Cape Cod. His family was vacationing in the next cottage over so we ran into each other here and there, mostly on the beach. He wasn't friendly, scowly actually, but his parents were really nice, let my mom pick their wild beach plums for her famous Beach Plum Jelly. His dad always had a big smile for me. But Derek, not so much. I know now he was shy and self conscious - physical deformities will do that to a kid. And really it wasn't so bad. I didn't care or really notice much his club foot or his webbed fingers. He had some kind of digit malformation in the womb. His mom said it was because she ate too much horseradish when she was pregnant.

We became friends on July 4th when I was ten and he was twelve. I remember that day vividly because I can, even after all these years, remember the searing pain. And really, I'd expected it to come from the horseshoe crabs that exploded in population that summer - something about the warmer than normal Gulf Stream that warmed the Cape before it veered out across the Atlantic to the English coast. 

I was peering anxiously at the ocean floor, treading carefully, evaluating every rock-look-alike to be sure it wasn't really a prehistoric dome of a crab with a foot-long spear coming out its butt. Looking this way, so intent on dark brown orbs that skittered over the sandy ocean floor, made me careless to the other danger at hand. The warm Gulf had also brought schools of jellyfish - clear, nearly invisible, except a refraction of light now and then if the sun's rays caught them just right.

Like a dog with its tail on fire, I ran from the surf, screaming. Derek was first on the scene - knew immediately what had hapened when he saw the red welts on my lower back. A piece of jellyfish had lodged itself in my bikini bottom. Screaming still, I ripped off my bathing suit bottom, unconcered to be naked. I rolled back and forth in the sand, crying for my mother.

Derek ran off. "Asshole!" I thought. I had just learned that and other unsavory but useful words that summer. I crawled on my belly in an attempt to get help from my house.

"Hold on." It was Derek and his dad.

"Dad, you've got to! I know what I'm talking about!"

"Are you sure, son? This is really weird."

"Youre the grown up. I'm not going to do it!"

I looked with astonishment as Derek's dad pulled down the zipper of his cut-offs, revealing the first man-size penis I'd ever seen.

"Stay still. I'm going to urinate on you. Apparently the uric acid will neutralize the sting," he said with soothing authority.

"Are you serious?" I sobbed, not able to take my eyes off his crotch, fascinated despite the agony I was in.

"This will work. I saw it on an episode of Friends," Derek offered.

From that day on, Derek and I have been together. he was one strange knight in shining armor that July 4th - webbed feet and hands and all, but somehow knowing his dad had just peed on me gave him the courage to befriend me and eventually declare his love.

All for today! Shay reappeared - he's been MIA, staying at his friend Josh's for weeks now but now he's back and ready to pitch in with the winter and Thanksgiving prep. Your challenge today - you guessed it - evaluate your winter readiness!!!  Maybe you can use my list as a jumping off point to your own efforts!

Peace,

Sarah

Mindsweep/Christmas's Past

Wednesday and the week is half over! Social today - lunch with friend/employee Dorothy, coffee at 3PM with neighbor Una, and tonight the writing group with me leading the prompts. And of course the monster list.

And then there's the new mega monster list! One of the activities directed by the GTD (Getting Things Done) methodology is an initial mind sweep. At first I thought they said mine sweep and I thought, "How can playing computer games make me more productive!!" But no, mind sweep is something different. Get a nice notebook and a pen with flowy ink. Even better if you are sitting in a pretty sunny room with no distractions. Label the page "Mind Sweep" and the date. Number each line and then just write down every single thing that's occupying space in your head. Everything single thing from the most mundane (brush the dog's teeth) to  the most overreaching (plan for retirement). Did this as a first step to building what they call a "trusted system".  My list has 130 items on it and I'm not done - probably need another hour with it.

As I've said before, the concept behind this is that it's not a good use of your brain to be storing and revisiting all of life's concerns. All that stuff that's swirling around, coming back around with predictability like a horse on a carousel - it's all noise. And if you're like me, it's unwelcome noise that creates an edgy discomfort, anxiety producing, enervating day. Eliminate that mental detritus and what do you have? An empty page full of possibilities. For my Landmark buddies, right about now you're sighing...'Ah, white space...nice."

Powerful yes? Combining Landmark with Getting Things Done to create a way of living that is not only full of possibilities but is highly effective and results oriented.  Landmark teaches us to free the future from the past. Getting Things Done teaches us to free our minds from task clutter while still getting those tasks done.

One thing I'm going to free myself of this year is holiday anxiety. Typically, this is the time I go into high gear, make huge plans, kill myself physically executing them, overschedule myself, setting the bar higher than the year before just because I can. Thinking about Christmas's past:

• When I had twelve plus employees I would throw an enormously lavish expensive party and for the months preceding, I made it a personal mission to buy, for each of them, the perfect present - something they had always wanted/needed that they didn't even know they needed. I spent between $500-$1000 each. Typically the gifts were physically huge - animated lighted figures for their front lawn, an enormous terra cotta planter, a bear climbing a Christmas tree for the hearth. I wrapped these behemoths for days in signature purple and green wrapping paper. 
• When my three girls were little, I started my Christmas shopping for them in June. It was all from catalogues. The more I ordered, the more catalogues showed in in the mailbox and I had this thing where I had to go through every single catalogue, page by page before throwing it out.  Even the ones with sporting goods!!!  I amassed their gifts at the office and, in the weeks before Christmas, pulled them out of their hiding places. I remember one holiday where the entire floor of the lower level was filled with gifts - three enormous piles with a few hundred gifts in each - waiting to be wrapped. (Did I mention the spreadsheet I kept for each child so that the giving would be absolutely fair?) And the wrapping!!! It was an Olympic event. I rigidly insisted that each gift be wrapped to perfection - that year I had over $1,000 worth of wrapping paper delivered from Marshall Fields. That was also the year the girls started opening gifts in the early morning and weren't done by noon - unwrapping was ceremonial and civilized - each gift opening watched by all. At about 11:00AM they were visibly tired and wilted. Catherine said, "Mom, can we puh-lease take a break from opening presents?"  Think I said, "No, we need to get this done - forge on!" The gifts filled the living room chest high.
• When I first met Steve and we had a first Christmas together he was all I had in Chicago. With typical Christmas anxiety, I told him he had to get me twenty presents (keep in mind we had dated less than a year!). I bought for him twenty exquisite presents: mostly expensive clothing from Mark Shale (a suit, blazer, trenchcoat, cashmere socks, etc). He got for me things like a flashlight, a jar opener, the Clapper. I pouted.
• Oh, and how could I forget the frenetic baking! Was just telling someone about the year when I woke at 4AM every morning and ran to the kitchen to make cookies before my work day, then raced home and made more until midnight. I dreamt about cookies - something in my brain equated cookies with happiness so I just kept cranking them out until I had thousands of them stored all over the house and even outside. I had no energy or desire to give them away - tin them up and mail them, so they just kept piling up. Finally, with a week before Christmas, it was a cookie crisis. The kids talked about a Christmas cookie intervention (not even kidding). We opened the house up to everyone - people walking down the street, the mailman, certainly friends. They were given empty tins and told to fill them up and cart them away. It was a relief when the last cookie was liberated.

We're talking some major Christmas dysfunction, right?  No more. The therapy is done.....thinking I'm mostly cured of Christmas mania. These days I use my grown up words to tell people how I feel about them - I know people love and care about me - I really never had to bribe them into loving me with gifts. I just didn't know it.

Your challenge today could be thinking about your own relationship with the holidays. Is there stuff that dredges up for you?  And dredge might not be a fair word because some of what bubbles (yes that's a nicer word) is nostalgic and sweet. I know my friend Carol will have some very bittersweet thoughts when she decorates her Christmas tree with the handmade needlepoint ornaments her mother made. Bitter because the mother is gone - sweet because of wonderful memories. My girls will think back to those bizarre Christmases where they each got several American girls dolls and try to make sense of the holiday - they were brought up to expect the heavens to open and shower them (no drown them) in luxury. Time for them (us) to make new traditions (healthy ones).  What I hope for you is a plan where the next month and a half can be a time of closeness and reflection without derailing your life. This DOES NOT have to be a time of excess, sadness, fatigue, fiscal imprudence. Less, less, less is more more more!

Peace,

Sarah

"Something Good Is About to Happen"/Alone Without a Basketball

Tuesday - getting a late start today and for those who get this directly into your Inbox, it's being written too late for you to get it today - so it will seem as if I've skipped a day.

Really not sure what to write about today - and you thought it was easy for me to think of something every day! I'm struggling and, while I promised honesty, I also don't want to pollute what is mostly an upbeat, life-affirming blog with sad moods that visit once in a while.

I remember the summer of 2011. Elizabeth and I were living together. Life was hard for both of us. We were worried about Madeleine. Elizabeth was having relationship problems. I had just broken up with Patrick and was desperately sad. Stuff kept breaking around the house - everywhere I looked expenses piled up - tried  to stay on top of the decay. We were sad, functioning, putting one foot in front of the other, but totally without joie de vivre.  I said, "Let's get a dog." That's when she said, "Yay, something good is about to happen- finally!" And it did. She got online, looked at the potential adoptees at the Anti-Cruelty and one jumped off the page - Indie, a young yellow lab. She said, "This is the one!" When we got there, we walked row upon row of sad, disheveled dogs who begged us with heartbroken eyes. We both wept to be there - literally. Indie was gone it seemed, adopted ahead of us. When we got to the very last cage, there he was - exactly like his picture, not sad or tragic but eager for freedom. We walked him - he was an unruly wild man but we didn't care. Our lives had just gotten better. I wanted to name him Patrick - Elizabeth said no, so Joey he became - a compromise - Joseph, Patrick's middle name.

Last night sang at Petterino's - sat by myself, sang two songs, didn't talk to anyone. Tonight more alone. Trying to get good with alone - profoundly alone which I feel much of the time. There are people who have mastered the alone thing - it's an art, I think. Not long ago I decided to let down my guard about aging and get comfortable with the idea of being an older gal. Best way, was have some older women friends to hang out with. Most of my friends are 10-20 years younger than me. Now I have Linda and Adrienne, both quite a bit older than me but so very fun and cool - having them as friends has mostly taken the terror of aging from me.

But alone? Harder. If I'm going to make alone my friend, I need to spend swaths of time alone, doing alone well. Martin said he mastered alone when he went on a retreat in a wooded cabin where there was no way of communicating with the outside world. He spent a week with only his own thoughts for company. First few days were crazy making and then he settled down and started feeling in tune to the rhythm of the quiet day and he started to appreciate his own company more. By the end, he was totally at peace with the alone thing - knew he could, if he had to, manage alone on a deserted island without a basketball as a friend.

Today, I'll put one foot in front of the other, work the monster list (I still make them every day!) and this afternoon get the first of three high tech shots in my bad knee. Tonight, I'll build a fire in the fireplace, find a wonderful classic, maybe something Dickens and curl up and read. Then to cozy bed early.

Maybe tomorrow something good will happen.

Peace,
Sarah

No challenge today

Hide Sarah's Uzi/Craig Dietz

Ah.....Mondays. Is it weird that I look forward to Mondays, these days always glad the weekend is over, glad to have survived it! Sarah and down time with time to think about the things that make me sad is not a good combination. Sunday no Schaller's - Bobby wasn't there so Adrienne and I went to the piano bar at Maggiano's and salvaged the evening - sang well. Saturday, day spent with a fellow from the American Cancer Society - the liaison to the Women's Club. On Thursday he came to the WC and asked for help with a couch throw he was trying to make for a cousin's wedding anniversary. I tried to punt (too busy, don't need the $ - he was willing to pay) but when no one seemed willing to help him I relented. Saturday found me in a terrible mood - Weight Watchers weigh-in - stayed the same. If I had had an Uzi, I swear I would have sprayed the entire place with bullets - I was that pissed off. I had an absolutely perfect week - No! better than perfect! On WW, I'm allotted 29 points, each point roughly the equivalent of 50 calories. On top of that, each week you can use an extra  49 points if you want (kind of like funny money). If you spread them evenly over the course of the week that would give you 36 points a day. I've found that I can't lose weight with the amount of points I've been given. Because I'm dead serious about taking this weight off, a few weeks ago I decided to dig deeper and cut my points to just 20 - and that is what I've religiously eaten for the past two weeks, give or take a point.

And what does that look like? Here's a typical Sarah eating day:

Breakfast

• 1/2 c. oatmeal
• berries
• 1 c. 2% milk

Lunch

• Lean Cuisine

Afternoon Snack

• 1 apple sprinkled with cinnamon

Dinner

• 3 oz roasted chicken
• 1/2 c. brown rice
• squash with 1 tsp butter or olive oil

Evening Snack

• piece of fruit

This is how I've eaten for two weeks solid. The first week I lost 1.8 pounds. Last week, stayed the same.  Seriously??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

I'm beside myself. So you're thinking I'm deluding myself that there is no frigging way I ate like that and didn't lose weight.  Ah....what isn't she telling us? What about all the nibbles she's not counting? The latte at Starbucks, the handful of almonds, the seven bananas that she's not counting because fruit is free.  Nope....none of it.  Nothing passes my lips but the 20 points as in the example given. I drink water, when I go out I have soda water with a splash of cranberry juice and a lime (OK, granted I didn't count the splash of cranberry but that's about the only unrecorded calories).  

Yesterday my fury translated into a "fuck you" attitude. Luckily I didn't do much damage - a handful of M&M's at the Women's Club audition, a tablespoon of peanut butter, an Irish coffee at 12 West Elm where I sang. Even when I fall off the wagon, it's pathetic - I don't even do that right!  No pizza, no Haagen Daaz!  

Thinking there are two types of people - two ways to go with a nut that doesn't want to be cracked.  A) Just give up B) Dig even deeper.  So this is what I'm going to do. I am going to eat 15 points a day for the remainder of the week (got to undo the damage from the Irish coffee, M&Ms and the peanut butter) That's five days of about 750 calories. When I get on the detested scale on Saturday I had better see a loss or I'm going to do something entirely different - liquid protein, something!!!!!!!! 

Not happy these days. Every day I wake up rested and determined to have a good day. My natural way of being is sweet and optimistic. I take excellent care of myself and try to make a difference in other peoples' lives. I hold myself accountable and set high goals while still taking time for fun and silliness. I love my friends and family with passion and show it with kind words and walk-the-walk deeds. I am proud of myself, my accomplishments, the person I am.  I think I'm the real deal.......and yet.

So, pity-fest today - pathetic. And I know it's obnoxious when people point out just how wonderful your life is and how much worse it could be, but thinking I need a dose of that this morning. I will focus on and think about a fellow I saw on TV when I was at the salon. Maybe you've seen him. His name is Craig Dietz. He is an attorney for a small town in a state I can't remember. He is also an athlete and swims competitively. He's really handsome - a man's man. I found myself attracted to him (remember thinking to myself, "I'd do him!")  He also has no arms or legs - none - not even stumps. But he loves his life. When the interviewer asked him if there was anything he wanted to do that he couldn't he thought about the question for a moment - really searching his brain for an honest answer. Finally he said, "Nothing. There is nothing I can't do that's important to me." 

Challenge for today is being inspired by a fellow who is living life well with no arms or legs. He's powerful, happy, sexy, accomplished. As for me - time to armor up and take these life challenges on with earnest. I would be a wimp to let the stupid scale defeat me. Too much rests on me losing the rest of my weight: my health, my mobility, the way I feel about myself, my attraction. This isn't rocket science. Watch me win this one. Just watch me.

Peace,

Sarah

Chuck's Last Days/Turducken

Getting started on this post tonight - an atypical night at home. About to get in the tub. Today - good day. Did everything I set out to do. The package for the IRS complete - Robin, my accountant, putting finishing touches on it this evening. Day spent doing charity sewing - the breast inserts. Made a new friend, Colleen - sat with her when we took a break for lunch. Nice! She's got a nice story as to why she's a new transplant to Evanston - Illinois for that matter. Until recently she called North Carolina home until she reconnected with an old beau whom she'd been serious with about thirty years ago. They split for practical reasons. Both married, now both divorced and finally reunited. He works - she just retired from being a nurse, so she moved to his neck of the woods. Ah......romance, love lost, love found again and they're in their sixties. I'm such a hopeless romantic.

I'm getting into holiday mode - it's what's occupying my mind these days. Looks like I'll have about 16 people for Thanksgiving. This year with my knee so bum, I'm going to strategize how to get a ton done way before the event. There is no reason the table can't be set a week ahead (I'll throw a sheet over it to keep the cats off). The house can be spit spot. The banana, cranberry nut and pumpkin breads can be made and frozen and I can even make the yeast rolls, partially bake them and freeze them. Same with the parsnip onion soup - done now and frozen (I'll wait to add the cream). The Grand Marnier cranberry relish sits well for a week and the pear walnut jello salad can be made well ahead and rest in its mold - nothing to go bad there. Sausage  onion and celery for the stuffing can be browned the weekend before so that when I make the stuffing the day of, it's ready to go. Three sizes of onions for the creamed onions can certainly be peeled days ahead - that's an odious task that takes too much time when you're in a time crunch.

I mean really - this could actually be a well paced and relaxing holiday if I play my cards right! Think this morning I'll walk my property and check on the herb patch - got to watch for the first frost. I'll check on Chuck, the Bourbon Red turkey I've been fattening all summer. So what if he and Joey have become fast friends - he was always intended for the serving platter. Next I'll prune the grape vines and harvest the remainder of the concord grapes that have been sweetening through the fall - into the bathtub they'll go - next week I'll press them and put up my version of Nouveau Beaujolais - a lovely light and fruity wine that will go smashingly with roasted Chuck. The vines, I'll weave into napkin rings, leaving a few of the tiny leaves on for effect - they will still be pretty by Thanksgiving.

The pumpkin patch needs watching with the squirrels bustling for winter. I've got a bunch of little pie pumpkins I've been nursing under chicken wire - the longer they sit in the cold the sweeter they'll be. And OMG what a cranberry harvest! Yesterday I flooded the bog and threshed the bushes under the water (cold job!) and you wouldn't believe how many cranberries floated to the surface - I'm going to have to make everything cranberry this season and give tons away too - you can count on a cranberry present this Christmas!

As you can see, I'm incredibly busy getting ready for this all important holiday - I take my Pilgrim-hood very seriously! One step at a time - today I'll finish spinning the wool for the runner I plan to weave that will run down the center of the holiday table. And, if there's time,  I'll dip some beeswax candles from the honeycomb I harvested from the hives last week.

Your challenge today is getting your own plan in place. I'm sure you take this holiday as seriously as I do - it would be un-American to give it short shrift! Perhaps you could do something different this year and learn to make a turducken. A turducken is a tricky affair. First you need to bone a turkey, a duck and a chicken. The chicken is stuffed inside the duck and then the duck is stuffed inside the turkey with dressing between the layers of meat. Go for it!!!

Peace,
Sarah

Alley Deal/Fatima and Sabrina

Thursday and busy day stacking up! Stuff to Robin my accountant this AM for the IRS thingy, this blog, an RFP (Request for Pricing) for a new network for Superior Ambulance I'm the consultant for, then off to spend the day sewing on breast inserts (Women's Club - Welfare sewing). Tonight NOTHING - time to breathe. A long soaky Jacuzzi  singing every song in my repertoire until the water is cold, curling up with a book - slogging through that new J.K. Rowlings, chatting on the phone, planning the Thanksgiving menu. 

Last evening - kept misfiring!  Running from place to place - the salon for an eyelash touch-up, Dominicks (groceries), Whole Foods (produce) and then barely made it on time to the alley where I do my monthly drug (I mean egg) pickup. Sometimes it DOES feel illicit like a drug deal. We enter a nondescript alley, only from the north, and drive to the garage that's open, where we take possession of the coveted objects that have been collected that week and packaged up for dispersement. We try and stay under the radar so as not to bother the neighbors when we drive up for our monthly fix of farm fresh eggs. These days I get six dozen cuz Shay eats so much.

Then home to put the groceries away and then off to the Writer's Group - only William showed, no call from James - we were confused but decided to write, just the two of us. Later other folks came in and said the room was reserved for them at 8:00, we challenged it. "We have had this room the 2nd and 4th Wednesdays of every month for over a year now!"  It was pointed out to us that yesterday was the 1st Wednesday of the month.  Oops!  And funny that both William and I made the same mistake!  So we wrote and enjoyed each others' company.  Just did one prompt - picked a first line from a bunch. This is what I wrote:

Cosmic forces have a way of turning up the heat to make us change. Problem was, I didn't want to change. Truth be told, I kinda like my crummy little life. True being a girl who pushes wheelchairs around the airport isn't much of a job. Even with the tips I don't clear enough to move out. But hey, I'm only twenty and growing up is dang hard - not a fan so far. Pa just gave me the bill for my wisdom teeth that got yanked this summer. Seriously?! $1800 for an hours work? And really, couldn't they have just fixed them or something? I mean, they're wisdom teeth for Lawd's sake! - get it? Wisdom Teeth! Why pull something that's supposed to make you wise? God knows I could use a little wisdom about now.

So this is what happened. Don't worry, I'm not going to tell you about an alien abduction or anything crazy like that. i've got someone hiding in my closet - let me explain. On Thursday, wait, no Wednesday - yeah it was definitely Wednesday cuz Todd was there and he doesn't work on Thursdays. On Wednesday, I had to push this Arab lady all the way from terminal two to terminal three. That's not what was weird. We get Mooslims every now and then, even here in Savannah. Not many, mind you, but now and then.

She was wearing the whole robe thing - the kind where you can't even see the mouth - just a slit for her eyes. So I couldn't tell how old she was. At first, I figured she was old cuz she needed a wheelchair but she didn't smell bad like a lot of the old ones do. Actually she smelled kinda nice - like the little roses on the fence at my Nonee's house. I looked at her hands and realized she was young - sweet kinda chubby hands with bitten fingernails.

When she sat in the chair and I helped her with the seatbelt, I could tell something was wrong. She waved me away - wanted to belt herself. I knew, could tell from that bitty second I helped her that she was expecting a baby - felt the baby bump. She knew I knew cuz my eyes must have showed my surprise. When I looked from her belly to her eyes she warned me. Not sure how, just something about the fire in her eyes that shut me up. Without saying one word she let me know she was in trouble.

Her name is Fatima. She speaks English with a British accent - private schools she says. When she told me her name, I laughted - rude I guess but hey, I wasn't brought up to hold my tongue.

"Can I call you Fatty?" I laughed. "Boy, you must get teased all the time!"

Fatima just smiled. "I would prefer you call me by my name which I like very much by the way - it means climbing roses in Farsi."

"So when is the baby due?" I dared to ask.

"Never!" she said.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I thought..."

"No, you're right. I AM pregnant but no one but you knows - not even my boyfriend, Basil. I've got to figure out a way to get rid of it."  She chewed her nails as I pushed her through the strolling crowds.

"What about your parents?"  I had noticed them at the sky cap - they looked serious and scary.

"They'd kill me if they knew." 

"Yeah, my parents would probably do the same if I came home pregnant. They'd be so pissed - probably kick me and baby out."

"No, I mean they would kill me - actually kill me. If they didn't, my uncles surely would. And Basil - they'd kill him too."

"Jeesh - for real!?  I was starting to like Fatty a lot.

"Can you help me? What's your name anyway," she asked, spinning around in the chair to plead with me - conveying her need with slit eyes..

"Sabrina, my name's Sabrina.  What can I do?" I asked, turning her problem around and around in my head. I couldn't take her home - Pa detests anything foreign. I swear he won't even eat French toast or Spanish rice - and forget something really exotic like bagels or God forbid, sushi. He'd have a heart attack if I brought what he would call a towel-head home - especially one with pissed off uncles.

"I can walk a little. And I know how to camp - maybe you could take me to a forest - someplace with a cave or a cabin or something where I can hide until I figure out this baby thing."

"I'll take you home," I said putting my fear to the side. "You'll have to hide in my closet. Don't worry, it's not as bad as it sounds. It's big - a walk in and it even has a trundle bed in it I used to use for sleepovers. We'll figure this out!" I was swept away by the adventure of it all. Maybe I did want my life to change after all!

Fatty's been in my closet for a few weeks now. Ma and Pa have no idea. She's quiet as a mouse - reads my Kindle all day and pees in a cup. After the parents go to bed at about 10:00, she comes out and showers and poops probably. We make popcorn and sit on my bed and watch TV or talk.

She hasn't said anything more about the baby - and we haven't talked about how long we can keep this up. Sometimes I see her stroking her belly. I wonder if she might want the baby after all. What the hell are we doing to do?"

Gotta run! Mountains to climb! Rivers to ford! Dragons to slay! Challenge today could be asking yourself, "Is there something I do that nurtures my soul, gives vent to the creative gasses that hiss in each of us, gasses that MUST have release. Anais Nin said something like, "Neurotic people are artists without a medium." I think we are ALL artists. If you don't have something like writing, singing, painting, scrapbooking - even something as banal as updating your Facebook regularly - if you are not creating something on a regular basis, are the gasses building up?

Peace,

Sarah