Nigel

Friday.....isn't the Internet bizarre? Case in point, correspondence with a fellow on OK Cupid. I have never even spoken to him other than e-mail and text and yet.....read on.

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Nigel: Sarah, you're a sweetheart: beautiful to behold and inside probably even nicer and sweeter than you're trying to convey here. I think your therapist just made money. I doubt anything in your personality needed the slightest modification. 

"One-sided and scary" is noted. I'll simply reply to you, once per message. Is that safer-sounding? 

My picture: thank you for your polite and kind remark. You ask, so I give an explanation. I feel about myself, from the inside, probably the exact opposite of the way you do about yourself. I avoid mirrors. You probably are pleased to catch a glimpse of yourself and justly so; I'm not attempting overkill here but you really are delightful to see. Like anyone else, I have vanities: mine just happen to exclude the visual. 

On one occasion, I started at an office new to me but with some people with whom I'd worked 10 years before. Having used the washroom, I passed through a door and faced a similar door and a second room beyond. I politely nodded and smiled to a vaguely familiar figure -- who, with remarkable synchronicity, nodded and smiled back. You guessed it: I was facing a vast mirror. 

Red flag: I am married and am posted as such. It isn't working as it might. If you'd not noticed that status and am now appalled, I will understand. I only ask that, if you do reject my communications, for that or any other reason, that you don't just ... stop; but instead state the rejection, expressing opinions in language courteous or otherwise. 

You are a smashing lady, Sarah. I'd love to hear you sing. 

Sarah: Nigel dear, Yeah, I missed that and I see that your status is Available but maybe you mentioned the married thing elsewhere and I missed it. These days I'm working extremely hard to align my hopes/dreams, with my declarations and intents and of course my actions. I believe that if those three realms are in synch (working honestly in tandem) results and good things happen almost organically. Where I think a lot of us get into trouble is when we fall out of integrity - say one thing, think another, act yet another. How the heck is the universe going to provide when you're conveying such a mixed message! 

To that end, I need my actions in the dating arena to support my agenda of finding someone to love completely and who can love me back unreservedly with no encumbrances. I can't be someone's "on the side". 

I have enjoyed our correspondence and I wish for you love and happiness. 

Take care! 
Sarah

Nigel: No "on the side" was intended but as one would expect your response makes sense. I'm sorry on the many levels you can imagine. It seems this presents my status as available even though I have correctly completed the profile. No fiendish scheme was in play. 

A last shred of nobility has me wish you success in finding Mr Right -- darn him; I'd wanted the position! I know; I annoy you. It gets me nowhere, but I just want you to know I think you are heavenly. Now, I'll go away.

Nigel. XXX

Sarah: You don't annoy me - you make me smile. Tell me why, if you are unhappily married, you stay in the marriage. 

Nigel:  It could be a boring story of a few sentences. Are you sure you want it? I want to make you smile. I don't understand the psychological mechanism that makes me care whether you smile. I just know I do and that i want responsibility for a lot of smiling from you and for you looking as in that picture. These remarks are, I know, juvenile, immature and, I suppose, just plain silly. I'm sorry. First; everybody to be mentioned is nice -- even me. 

There is a problem of communication. I say "X". She says: "So, what you're saying is Y." "No; had I wished to say Y, I'd have said it. X.". 

Then there are the "Why didn't you say A? You should have said A." A, in this instance is, as perceived by me, some sort of script or agenda. Trouble is: I don't have a copy in my hand. This escalates into a sense at my end that I am criticized and from hers that I am, say, uncaring, and I have no clue wtf it's about. Sometimes, a topic will be brought up, from my perspective, out of teh blue and I find myself asking why it's mentioned and ..... so it goes on. 

Moreover; the sex thing just ... stopped. Why? Well, sex (you're too young to know, I understand [grin].) is complex; it's more than just the right plumbing. There were what to me seemed to be rules or barriers, like "not in the morning". Whatever the reasons, it's now dead. You can imagine how I compensate, alone. 

Over the years, we reached a point where there was a row once a month, then once a fortnight, then every weekend. In those rows, I seemed only to be defending. She many a time said "Get out!". 

8 years ago, I used to get a social benefit from a chatroom. It was called Profs 1. The participants were literally professors or were in education or were just people who could write well, informatively or wittily. One of them was C. I got to know her well. Her marriage was in a bad way and I'm not going to discuss her business here (It's all about ME! [grin]) but we got on very well and, were I not already married, would have hooked-up. We agreed to split and cease communication. About a year ago, LinkedIn, in its own magic way, mentioned her and I connected. We liked each other again. She had by now got a online guy but I kinda trumped him. We'd liked to have hooked-up but I said I could never hurt my wife. 

Then came the regular row. "I want you out of here in the next 30 minutes!". How many times does this happen before one believes it? Well, I went. I took three days to sort stuff out and in that time I contacted C and said, shall I join you and she said, memorably "I would like that -- a lot". I checked and double-checked, emailing, telephoning, Skype, so she knew as much as one can what I was like. She is beautiful. I joined her. We tried. Each made certain sacrifices but it didn't, at least from her end, work. It hurt. I know that's not manly, macho, tough, stiff-upper-lipped but it FUCKING HURT .. I mean, like an ache in my chest. 

I returned to the USA. The trouble is, C is celebrity tweeter, with 1,500 followers and is all over The Internet. It was as if she lived next door. I had trouble not seeing her. 

I suppose I'm over C and we, wife and I, tried again. We recognize the problems but I find myself defending my position on... nothingnesses: whether the telephone works, whether I said A or B. It doesn't work. The rows recur. It doesn't... bloody... work. There. You shouldn't have asked. You got a veritable soap-opera. I owed you the answer though. It's as straight as I can put it. Ask anything you wish of me: questions or actions. You know I... enthuse over you. Pointlessly.

Sarah: Nigel, You owed me nothing - no explanation required. We don't even know each other! And yet I was glad to hear your story, to be a witness to your life. I have a few thoughts that I'll share. I hope they are welcome even though they may be pointed. 

You are clearly unhappy and unfulfilled, in a relationship that brings no joy, excitement or solace. Question is obvious, yes? Why do you stay in such a relationship? What is the point of languishing there? You do know, don't you, that life is not a dress rehearsal! This is the only one you get. Why fill it with regretful times? 

I've recently done The Landmark Forum and while I pride myself on being an original thinker there is so much good that can be gained from this type of curriculum where participants look hard at their lives, decouple their stories from facts, realize that where there is a persistent complaint there is a racket being run by all the participants. What we learned is that if you have a chronic problem that is tied to stories from your past, that you're living with in the present it is a sure bet your future is predetermined (more of the same). What most people don't "get" is that the story you tell is only part of the truth. You need to ask yourself what your racket is. Put another way, "What are you getting out of staying with her?" I had to own up to the fact that my inability to move on from a boyfriend breakup 17 months ago was heartbreak I was nurturing because I was getting something out of it. Lots actually. Being lovelorn is in some ways lovely - it makes me a better torch singer, is great fodder for my creative writing, means I don't have to apply myself with vigor to current pursuits (I'm too heartbroken to feel animated about anything else), and mostly staying in love with him means I don't have to get my heart broken again - it's already shattered on the ground. I won't get hurt again. Armor up. 

It was a shock to me to realize I was getting something out of the chronic complaint - that I was a participant. Once one admits a racket they're running, the next question is "what is the cost of the racket" (not all rackets need to be abandoned if they're benign). In my case the cost outweighs the benefit - by persisting with the racket I am ensuring no new relationship, no energy to live my life with vitality, being a broken record that everyone tires of hearing, being stuck in life. 

Next step (and the one I'm struggling with) is aligning my hopes and dreams, with what I declare to the world and finally in the way I behave. In the case above, my dream would be to find someone to love heart and soul, my declaration will be, "I'm ready to meet someone new - help me," and finally my actions will support both those things. I will cease speaking of him, communicating with him, writing about him, singing with him in mind, mooning over him. I will erase his voice mails, put his pictures high on a shelf and not allow myself to seek out his Facebook page. All of this is a work in progress - not there yet but I know it's what I need to do to live with truth and harmony and to realize my dream of finding someone new. 

As for you, you're sending out a conflicting message to the universe. Your dream is for love and intimacy, your declaration is that you can't give yourself completely due to your situation and your actions are in total conflict with honesty and intimacy. Your future, I think, is more of the same. You haven't cleared a white space for something new to move into. 

Case in point. You met me. You "enthuse" over me. You think I could be "the one." And yet you are unavailable and your actions are not worthy. You want to be with someone extraordinary and yet you act in an unextraordinary way. Why would someone lilke me want to be with you when you are conducting yourself duplicitously? Put another way, the only people you will attract given your status quo and how you are behaving are damaged people of low character. That is not what you want. 

This is harsh, I fear. I don't mean it to be. My goal is to be helpful because I can tell you are in pain. Maybe you should consider Landmark - it's really an amazing way of taking on hard stuff and realizing breakthroughs. There are lots of highly intelligent, independent thinking people who avail themselves of their methods. It's plucked from so many sources: Freud, French existentialists, Buddhism and more. 

Sarah

Nigel:  Sarah, it is a pleasure to read your words, for this wan't a piece of clever writing or some sort of showing-off essay but you writing to me, apparently from the heart. I'm sorry you suffered the boyfriend breakup (he must be absolutely, stark, staring, foaming-at-the-mouth, raving mad not have turned himself inside-out to stay with you) and I empathize with the heartbroken feeling. Yet I understand what you say about effectively utilizing it. Perhaps we wallow in our respective heartbreaks. I wish I were not tied as I am. One has much invested, in every sense including financial. I don't want to issue hurt, yet I am, as you say, not exactly enjoying my situation. 

Sarah, I could fire compliments -- genuine compliments, not idle flattery, -- at you but I would be preaching to the converted: you know you're beautiful to see, intelligent, compassionate, humorous. I've no doubt you're marvelous to hear. 
Of course, I think I'd give my soul, were I to have one, to be connected with you, but, mercifully for you, no Faustian deal is available! I thank you for your kind remarks, your sensible points made. 

...and now, a manly tear [grin] trickling down my cheek, I shall sob into a baked potato. Would that you could share it, for this is the apex of my culinary skill! 

Love (or something jolly like it, without all the candlelight and sex messing it up). By the way, when I said I envied the other men in your life, I didn't just mean in bed. I like the whole package, as I see it, Sarah. Whomever you choose will be a man to be seriously, strongly envied. It's OK.. my talk of wooing was not meant to worry you.

Nigel 

Sarah:  It's fine....don't worry. What does concern me though is that you seem to want to shortcut the work you have to do. You seem to agree in principle that your life doesn't have to be a casualty of others, doesn't need to be a regretful one. And yet you let yourself be bound to someone who has their own work to do and path to embark upon - thinking she is as unhappy as you are but as afraid to make changes. And you are NOT responsible for whether she lives or dies - she owns that entirely. What you ARE responsible for is conducting yourself with honesty, honor, compassion and erring on the side of generosity. If you play your cards right, you and she could emerge from the trap of your marriage, happy, invigorated, grateful to the other and hopeful for the future. And the action of ending something that is sucking the life from you both could propel you both into action on many fronts - break the inertia logjam. 

You are not ready for another relationship - it's cheating to shortcut the process of ending something, reflecting, getting to know yourself as a single person, rediscovering what it is you love and may have buried. You do not need me or anyone else for happiness. And if you try and anesthetize yourself by jumping into something else you're robbing yourself of transformation. This painful episode in your life could be transforming and life affirming. 

Sign up for the Landmark course in Chicago. It would be the first step in making some seismic changes. It would give you clarity for starting something new or maybe even insights about yourself where you take responsibility for your part in the dysfunction. You might even fall back in love with your wife. 

I don't mean to be evangelical - it's just what's working for me. I know Landmark is only one path to self actualization - there are many more paths you could take to get to the same spot. A men's group, psychotherapy, meditation, etc. Most important is immersing yourself in a practice where you ask more of yourself and then live into new possibilities - walking the walk. 

Right now you're not walking the walk. You're rationalizing your stagnation and bad behavior. You're living dishonestly and the most injured victim is yourself. Thinking you don't think much of yourself these days. Wouldn't it be wonderful if that could change? You could walk on this earth as a joyful and honorable man? 

Make that happen. I will be your friend through this, nothing more. 

Sarah

PS. No challenge today other than having a wonderful weekend. I plan to keep my eye on the prize which is living in the present every moment I can whether it's singing my heart out tonight, making out with my cat Obi - giving him my undivided attention, sitting on the deck wrapped in a blanket and enjoying the falling leaves and the autumnal refraction of light, being with whomever shows up for conversation and giving them my focus.