"Something Good Is About to Happen"/Alone Without a Basketball

Tuesday - getting a late start today and for those who get this directly into your Inbox, it's being written too late for you to get it today - so it will seem as if I've skipped a day.

Really not sure what to write about today - and you thought it was easy for me to think of something every day! I'm struggling and, while I promised honesty, I also don't want to pollute what is mostly an upbeat, life-affirming blog with sad moods that visit once in a while.

I remember the summer of 2011. Elizabeth and I were living together. Life was hard for both of us. We were worried about Madeleine. Elizabeth was having relationship problems. I had just broken up with Patrick and was desperately sad. Stuff kept breaking around the house - everywhere I looked expenses piled up - tried  to stay on top of the decay. We were sad, functioning, putting one foot in front of the other, but totally without joie de vivre.  I said, "Let's get a dog." That's when she said, "Yay, something good is about to happen- finally!" And it did. She got online, looked at the potential adoptees at the Anti-Cruelty and one jumped off the page - Indie, a young yellow lab. She said, "This is the one!" When we got there, we walked row upon row of sad, disheveled dogs who begged us with heartbroken eyes. We both wept to be there - literally. Indie was gone it seemed, adopted ahead of us. When we got to the very last cage, there he was - exactly like his picture, not sad or tragic but eager for freedom. We walked him - he was an unruly wild man but we didn't care. Our lives had just gotten better. I wanted to name him Patrick - Elizabeth said no, so Joey he became - a compromise - Joseph, Patrick's middle name.

Last night sang at Petterino's - sat by myself, sang two songs, didn't talk to anyone. Tonight more alone. Trying to get good with alone - profoundly alone which I feel much of the time. There are people who have mastered the alone thing - it's an art, I think. Not long ago I decided to let down my guard about aging and get comfortable with the idea of being an older gal. Best way, was have some older women friends to hang out with. Most of my friends are 10-20 years younger than me. Now I have Linda and Adrienne, both quite a bit older than me but so very fun and cool - having them as friends has mostly taken the terror of aging from me.

But alone? Harder. If I'm going to make alone my friend, I need to spend swaths of time alone, doing alone well. Martin said he mastered alone when he went on a retreat in a wooded cabin where there was no way of communicating with the outside world. He spent a week with only his own thoughts for company. First few days were crazy making and then he settled down and started feeling in tune to the rhythm of the quiet day and he started to appreciate his own company more. By the end, he was totally at peace with the alone thing - knew he could, if he had to, manage alone on a deserted island without a basketball as a friend.

Today, I'll put one foot in front of the other, work the monster list (I still make them every day!) and this afternoon get the first of three high tech shots in my bad knee. Tonight, I'll build a fire in the fireplace, find a wonderful classic, maybe something Dickens and curl up and read. Then to cozy bed early.

Maybe tomorrow something good will happen.

Peace,
Sarah

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