Sunday and I'm writing a day early since I'll be on the road tomorrow. Tomorrow is a very important day for me - the day Kaveh and I say a good good-bye. I fly into Louisville, meet with him for two hours and then fly back. I haven't laid eyes on him in over a year - our sessions have been conducted over the phone. Carol asked me why it has to be a final good-bye. Why can't we just leave it open ended to reengage if life throws me a curve and I need to see him again? Kaveh is a bit of a genius - he and I have used stuff between us to play out and practice with each other new ways of being. The most dramatic example of that is when I fell in love with him. Classic right? Almost inevitable between therapist and patient when the work is deep and vulnerable - especially when the therapist is the opposite sex. Rather than shut it down, Kaveh let the love do its thing - grow and spill over into our work. He absolutely knew that he and I would emerge on the other side and look back at that time with tenderness. He was unconcerned that I would stay stuck in love with him - and he was right. And so, he didn't shame me, didn't belittle my feelings for him, accepted my gifts as long as we could use them as a jumping off point to talk about the origins of the need to give - and he loved me in return (appropriately).
Now he sees me floundering with letting go, unable to say a final good-bye to someone, clinging like a child to love that's been long lost, as if my wishing and praying will magically restore it. And it all makes sense - too much loss, too much pain, a childhood of trauma and neglect - it messes with you. I'm either leaving people before they leave me (most recently telling Luke it wouldn't work because he "transgressed" by going on a date after ours), breaking up with Patrick before he broke up with me, walking away from everything and everyone, deluding myself that it's for the best - being the one calling the shots. But then being bereft and rewriting history that I was the one left.
Kaveh's final gift to me - the final lesson - having a joyful good-bye. We will bask in our accomplishment and celebrate the work that was done. We will tell each other how much we will miss each other. Kaveh will tell me again that he is not lost to me - he can live in my heart forever - that I will live in his heart forever - that I am important to him. We will say good-bye after two hours and hug each other finally (never allowed before). I will fly back to Chicago, sad and weepy but proud too. And he WILL live in my heart for the rest of my days. Every first day of the month I will send him a "rabbit, rabbit" text (an old British tradition to wish dear ones luck for the month), on his birthday a card, on Christmas eighteen little gifts. He will not respond to any of it but that won't mean he's not grateful for the warm wishes.
Friday, my feelings really hurt. Christ. We see each other often for music, dinner, etc. I jokingly call him my platonic boyfriend. There was a time, early on, when I declared feelings for him and he told me he wasn't ready to date - he was still traumatized by the breakup of his marriage. I understood and gave him the space he asked for - we have been good friends. And oh my! We have SO much in common! Both music majors in college, love of jazz, both musicians. We are nerdy foodies who talk incessantly about ingredients. And literature - we love the same erudite books, both avid readers. Also we both love quirky off-the-run little films. And most recently, we talk about Landmark - he went through it after I did when I promised him it would help him clear logjams in his life. I've dated other people in the last year but he has always been a love interest - I have waited for him to be ready.
Imagine my dismay when I said to him, "Christ, you know what you're going to have to do in December when your divorce is final? Date!" and he responded, "Oh, I already have been," and proceeded to tell me of several women he's seen. He also mentioned that his sister is going to purchase for him a subscription to EHarmony. Seriously? He told me all of this on Friday. Sitting right in front of him, a sweet, pretty and talented woman whose interests dove-tail his own, who has stood the test of time as a friend, who really likes him as a person, who stood by him through ups and downs and who would love to date him. What am I to think? I felt like leaving him right then and there, getting up and walking out - calling the evening at Schaller's a wrap. I am feeling hurt and confused that he doesn't consider me date-worthy. What is the matter with me? Thinking I don't want to hang out with him for a while - seeing him will make me feel like a penny waiting for change - my deficiencies reflected in his eyes.
That correspondence with married Nigel? So useful. Self affirmation of the walk I need to be walking. Told him I was scolding him about things I need to scold myself about. More on this later.
Challenge today is embracing the concept of good good-byes. My friend Pam is on a deathwatch with her beloved father - she has used this last year to say an extended good good-bye to him, making his final time full of meaning, finding ways to show her love and gratitude. Friends Judy and Bernie are saying a protracted good bye to her mother who lives with them - being heroes, putting their needs second. Maybe your kid went off to college this year and you're feeling adrift without him - did you properly say good-bye to his childhood, celebrate it, talk about it with him, recognize the loss but rejoice in the arc of your lives? Good good-byes.....important.
Peace,
Sarah
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