Tuesday, July 31, 2012

A Civil War In Your Brain/Inner Pigdog


Tuesday and I'm on fire! I'm getting addicted to getting things done - making epic, challenging lists every day and making it almost a game to see how much I can cross off. So much fun, even the yucky stuff like balancing the checkbook. And it's a mish mosh of business and personal stuff - one minute I'm chatting up a client or sending an invoice and the next item on the list is planting the flower boxes and beautifying the deck. Nothing leisurely - I'm a woman on a mission - got the boxes planted in under a half an hour. Yeah, yeah, I know it's weird to be purchasing and planting annuals in late July, but this has been a weird summer - delayed life.

Tonight Catherine, Christ and I are going to see A Little Night Music up at the Writer's Theater in Glencoe.  Catherine says it's Sondheim's "Magic Flute" which she considers Mozart's magnum opus. Carol says it's mind boggling good and The Wall Street Journal even sent a reporter out to cover it and said it was the finest performance of all time - that you would never want to see A Little Night Music done in a large venue with Broadway actors ever again. Learning to adore Sondheim - a lot of people don't "get" him. This last year I've learned two of his songs, "Not A Day Goes By" and " I Think About You." Mark, my voice coach says, with reverence, that you never take liberties with his music - it is perfect and complete, every single note, every syllable - even his placement of little words like "but", "a", "the". You don't mess with Sondheim. Looking forward to hearing "Send In The Clowns" tonight. Tomorrow I'll report.

Lucas (Liza) and family are en route to Baltimore for Henry's cochlear implants. They will be making this huge trek many times this year. First the surgery, then the implants will be activated and programmed, then lots of tweaking and evaluations as he learns to use them. What's maybe not intuitive is that, just because his brain will be getting the input, doesn't mean it can make sense of it. Remember that book Incognito about the human brain? Vision, for instance, is as much about the sense the brain makes of the input as the input itself. Without context and experience, trial and error, the brain can't translate the input into anything meaningful - the stimuli is gobbledygook until it sorts it all out. So it will be with Henry. Initially, hearing for him will be an assault - a cacophony of garbage, crazy making. It will be up to Liza and the professionals to help him make sense of it all. She is still freaking out over how they are going to be able to fund this huge undertaking. I've talked to friends about what we can do to host a benefit or some kind of fundraiser to help with the expense of it all. Last night, I sent Liza on her way with a care package of tiny sandwiches, brownies, gluten-free cookies for Henry, cherries, raspberries, blue cheese olives doused with vodka, crackers, cheese and more more - two bags full. Surgery is Wednesday morning.

Today I'm thinking about a concept from Incognito - making a contract with your future self. Remember Christmas Clubs where folks would have their bank withhold funds so they would have money for the holiday? Or maybe you've heard of websites where you make a contract to lose weight and have to forfeit money if you don't accomplish the goal? I know I've talked about this before - the example of Ulysses lashing himself to the mast of his ship so he could safely sail by the island with the singing Sirens. I don't think I'm alone in perpetuating bad habits that I know aren't good for me - succumbing to the temptation of a moment, hating that I can't exercise perfect willpower all the time. Truth is, that's not how we're built. Willpower waxes and wanes and when you have a surge of it, you can use it to shape your future by creating  contracts with your future self - doing something in the here and now that will get you through the weak times. These days my willpower surges - I'm feeling powerful again, capable of anything. I have willpower in excess.

So, today a contract that's just about killing me to do. I know tomorrow, I will regret it very much, try and undo it - the clarity of today will have dissipated. I am 100% sure that I am about to make myself miserable - that I will weep in anger and disappointment at what I'm in the process of doing, that tomorrow I will beat my chest over the injustice. And I'm not even exaggerating. Patrick's Facebook - it's my only link to him. We're not friends, but he and Madeleine are, so I log in as her - many times a day. It's unhealthy.....I know it, and yet I still do it. These days, there are no updates because he is in Ireland. Every day I wait for his return, eager to see pictures, wanting to know that he's within my geography again, wishing for the pulse of him, loving him through a tiny aperture. Today, I asked Madeleine to change her password - it's good they remain friends - she and he have their own special relationship and she may need him some day (that's their business). I also sent word to my network guy to go into my firewall and disable Facebook access. Sarah is bound and determined to put the past behind her. Really hard though.

Here's a quote from Incognito that explains this conundrum. Eagleman describes the left and right sides of our brains as a team of rivals - needing each other but competing with sometimes conflicting agendas - civil wars in the brain democracy on many days.
The observation that people are made of conflicting short and long-term desires is not a new one. Ancient Jewish writings proposed that the body is composed of two interacting parts: a body (guf), which always wants things now, and a soul (nefesh), which maintains a longer-term view. Similarly, Germans use a fanciful expression for a person trying to delay gratification: he must overcome his innerer schweinehund - which translates, sometimes to the puzzlement of English speakers, as "inner pigdog." 
Your behavior - what you do in the world - is simply the end result of the battles. But the story gets better, because the different parties in the brain can learn about their interactions with one another. As a result, the situation quickly surpasses simple arm wrestling between short and long-term desires and enters the realm of a surprisingly sophisticated process of negotiation.
Challenge today is thinking about this concept, specifically as it relates to the congruence between your daily habits and actions, and your long term goals. Consider the benefit of making a contract with your future self. Be realistic that you need to take action in the present to be able to weather your future weak-willed days. If you've got a substance abuse problem, it could be checking yourself into rehab where you won't have access to the substance you're trying to free yourself from. If you have a problem getting up in the morning, maybe schedule time with a personal trainer for 7AM, Monday through Friday - it will hold you accountable. If you find yourself sinking into depression every lonely evening, get out your calendar and schedule something for every night. If you need to lose weight make a bet with a friend where you stand to lose a large sum of money if you fail.

Today, I lash myself to the mast. I owe it to myself to walk the walk, put the past where it belongs and embrace the future free and clear. I will not be dashed upon the rocks of heartache and loss. I am travelling safely to calmer waters.

Peace,
Sarah

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