Sunday night - getting a jump on my week by writing this early. Weekend was fine and I hope yours was too. Friday, Maggiano's piano bar in the city (Clark and Grand). Met friends Judy and Claudia there and we had dinner sitting at the piano, listening to Bobby Salone sing and singing ourselves. Diet cokes and an early night that ended at 10PM meant it was a very well mannered evening so Saturday got off to an easy bang. Groceries to get supplies for epic pizza night, a call from eldest daughter, Catherine who wanted to bake a cake at my house, racing to Wicker Park for a voice lesson after making a huge bowl of pizza dough and then back to the house with two hours to get ready for the first inaugeral "Sarah Cooks On The Last Saturday Of The Month" day. Quickly assembed a "Better Than Sex" chocolate cake and prepped twelve pizzas.
The thing that was interesting was not knowing who was coming. I had put the word out to everyone but in the end I didn't know if I was cooking for three or thirty. At one point I truly believed it might be just me and twelve pizzas. But people drifted through all evening - mostly friends of Elizabeth (middle daughter), Shay and friend, tenant Mario and some of his posse, a gal I met at The Landmark Forum, and a few of my friends. I cooked and cooked all evening long, turning out interesting pizza after interesting pizza. Favorite was probably barbecue chicken which I made with Sweet Baby Ray's barbecue sauce, perfectly cooked white meat chicken, smoked gouda, cilantro, red onion, red bell pepper and a smattering of red pepper flakes for a bit of kick. And today, there was still leftover ingredients for another eight pizzas. So, today found me back in the pizza kitchen (alone this time) assembling more pizzas for freezing and later cooking - nothing went to waste. Thinking Shay is going to be in heaven to have a never ending stash of gourmet pizzas in the freezer to choose from.
These days I'm really good. The optimism I acquired at the seminar last week is holding me in good stead. Were you a fly on my wall, you would catch me in a smile many times a day as I think about the blank slate that is my future. Don't know why that's smile inducing - should be terrifying, but I love the thought that I am the architect of my future. And energy abounds. Knee is good thanks to the round of steroids and I'm getting so much done - making enormous lists and just cranking through them. This week I start physical therapy for the knee.
OK. What I'm thinking about today is how I make sense of the feelings I still have for Patrick in the context of the breakthroughs I've had. I would be lying to say that putting the past where it belongs - in the past means I no longer think of him. Different though. I know the love affair is yesterday's news and, if we reconnect in the future, it will be something brand new. And I'm pretty darn sure there is someone else out there who has been waiting for me to get my act together.and come to him with a free and available heart. So,question again. How do I reconcile the deep love I still have for Patrick with my unstoppable future? What do I do when thoughts of him visit me?
Thinking of the Olympic flame and just read the history of it on Wikipedia. Liking the metaphor, comparing the flame of love I carry for him - a love that can't be extinguished - to the torch that is carried along a route that represents human achievement. The Olympic torch endures, ignites arenas with fresh possibilities, provides a connection to the past while inspiring fresh achievement. It is a pilot light of human accomplishment.
Decoupling the past from the present and future is what makes the unknown exciting (and scary). The whole "future as a blank slate" thing. Thinking though it shouldn't be confused with erasing the past. We can't escape our memories and the feelings that well up when folks from the past revisit us in our dreams and reveries. Nor should we. The challenge and opportunity for me these days is in letting those feelings wash over me, breathing in and out, smiling when a memory tickles my fancy, tearing when something hurtful revisits, and then letting it go, go, go - sending it on its way or tucking it in yesterday's bed to sleep in the past. You arise, shake it off, smile in gratitude for the moment and then get the next item on your list done.
Challenge could be taking your own optimism temperature. Are you feeling mired, fatigued before the day even begins? Do you believe in your ability to get things done and make forward progress with the initiatives you have identified as being your future path? Or are you just filling the day, busy making, convincing yourself of your productivity but really just marking time until you can go to bed? Thinking it all comes down to your relationship with the future. If you are ground hogging every day, then your future looks exactly like your past and if you hate much of your past, what's the point of waking up in the morning? If, on the other hand, you decide, "We're going to try something new here!" - then the world becomes your oyster with the promise of pearls. You wake up with a plan and you don't let anyone sidetrack you and drag you back into your winter den. Everything gets looked at with fresh eyes - has to interview for a place in your future. Nothing and no one is sacred.
Love this:
Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbour. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore.Dream. Discover" ~ MARK TWAINPeace,
Sarah
No comments:
Post a Comment