Tuesday and session with Kaveh this morning on the phone. This was to be the next to the last session - one more phone and then me driving down to Louisville, KY for a final good-bye sometime in August. In the last fifteen minutes of the session, I confessed some things that were on my mind, things I'm worried about, thoughts that seemed unhealthy. He was silent for a good while, then said, "Our work is not done. We need to rethink the end date." And remember, he was the one pushing for closure - he's not a therapist motivated by his own financial need (probably helps that he's married to an heiress - his wife's grandfather founded Humana). So, hmmm...the therapy continues. When he said that, I felt two things: disappointment that I don't have a mental clean bill of health after all but also relief to have unburdened myself and know that I'm still in his care and that maybe these deep issues can see the light of day and lose their hold on me. Not like me to be coy with details, I know, but some things really need to stay private. Suffice to say, I'm basically OK. I wouldn't want to be anyone else but me. Victor says he reads this blog every day to get his daily dose of crazy. I don't mind being called that - I know I'm eccentric and I know he loves and admires me. But really, crazy I'm not. I am, in truth, one of the most healthy people I know - brave enough to question everything, brave enough to do battle with demons, and brave enough to live well despite how hard life can be.
New mantra I've been reciting to myself that I find extremely helpful. I'll preface this by saying,if you live a crazy busy life with every moment scripted with kids, work, etc. you probably won't be able to relate. It's the alone thing again and how you fill unstructured time. When I described this to Kaveh I thought of his life - how vital it is. He's in that stage of life with kids, family, pets, work, social engagements (because he married into a socialite family, there are lots of parties to go to!) that leaves him almost zero down time. Thinking when he DOES get an hour to himself, he's like a kid in a candy store with a stack of books or articles to read, friends to contact, tennis, fishing. His quandary is probably in choosing a wonderful fulfilling activity.
I said I was going to get really good at this alone thing - look it square in its face and make it an art form - AloneAsArt. What that means, though, is constant evaluation to make that happen - reality checks, taking your contentment temperature, so to speak. So I ask myself frequently these days, "Fill or drain??" And I require an honest answer of myself. If the answer is "drain", it requires an immediate course correction. Let me explain. We all know whether we're engaged in an activity that is life affirming and fulfilling, right? We also know when what we're doing is enervating and depressing. I'm remembering a time, before I gave up television, when I used to fight the end of the weekend by refusing to go to bed - I would sit in a dark room glued to the television and, if at that moment, you had asked me what I was watching, I seriously couldn't have told you. Sometimes it was the late night post game sports commentaries that I stared at. If you had quizzed me about the content, I wouldn't have even been able to tell you what sport was being discussed, never mind which teams played. There was also a time where I shook myself to consciousness and said to myself, "You've seen this episode of Everyone Loves Raymond at least four times!"
Drain or fill. We know, when we zoom out, shake ourselves out of the moment, whether we are taking care of ourselves, or whether we are just marking time, numbing out, failing to grasp the moment in a better way. And what's tricky, I think, is that, what filled us one day may drain us the next. Case in point. I spent happy hours this last weekend with my new Kindle reading a magical book which I finished yesterday. Last night I opted not to go to Petterino's - it's an example of something that was once a "fill" becoming a "drain" through repetition. I decided to stay in and start a new book but, when I took my temperature about my evening plans and asked the "Fill or Drain" question, I knew I wasn't up for more reading in solitude - too much of the same. So I shook myself to action and asked Madeleine,who was doing her own version of "drain" (vegging out with her computer), if she wanted to do dinner and a movie. We rallied, went out and had a great time - saw the new Woody Allen movie and went to the French bistro where she works (since it was a night off for her she got to be a patron rather than an employee).
Challenge today could be implementing "Drain or Fill" in your own life, questioning yourself several times a day. It's usually really obvious if you step out of yourself for a moment and do the litmus test. Having said that, there are activities that are more neutral that may be hard to define, like work, or vaccuuming. If you're vaccuuming, even though it's not an uplifting activity, you may find satisfaction in maintaining cleanliness and order - so that's a "fill". The work you do should be "fill", even if the immediate task at hand is difficult or boring. If not, then that's something to give long and hard thought to. Idle time can be either - what looks like goofing off can be just what the doctor ordered. Watching a wonderful British comedy that makes you hoot with laughter, that fully engages you has to be a fill - you know when something is bringing you contentment or joy. Even sitting with a cup of coffee staring out a window for an hour with interesting thoughts may not look like much, but it might be your most important fill of the day. You get the idea! I'm thinking, with practice, it might become second nature to gravitate toward "fill" activities and steer clear of the drain ones - we might not have to always think so hard about it. For now, for me, Living Well requires vigilance - daily care and nurture. It's not always intuitive.
Peace,
Sarah
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