Thursday and thank God for the gloomy, rainy day! It could rain for the next week solid and the water table still wouldn't be in good shape. When it's this dry, you can almost feel the earth's raspy voice, begging for a drink - it hurts. I can relax today, knowing that drink is finally here. Tonight Victor over for what he calls "the finale". He will put his final touches on the Zen home office that he conceived, spec'd and made happen and that I'm the happy inhabitant of. I remember a similar time when my office storefont was new. Steve flew his friend in from Seattle twice - once to walk around rubbing his chin and saying, "Hmmmm..." a lot, and then back again to oversee all the changes. One thing I'm good at is staying out of peoples' ways when they are the expert - delegation is something to get good at! When Scott came from Seattle, he transformed the office into what was really an office/gallery with hanging lighting, Ralph Lauren color palette (paint colors normal people would never think to combine), Herman Miller furniture, a mirrored hanging sculpture and black and white photos of historical Evanston from negatives borrowed from the historical society (he works in a museum so he had museum photo reciprocity). I was allowed one decision to make me feel like I had a part in the design process - I was allowed to pick out a single carpet runner! And the office I'm sitting in now - Victor allowed me to pick the art for the walls. As Cole Porter would say, "Swonderful"
Today, I reread an article that Josh sent me that blew us both away. Think it will you too. It's from Psychology Today - actually an issue that caught my eye when I was in the check out line at Whole Foods when I was buying a card and a cake for Ryan's birthday. Not sure what caught my eye, thinking it was the article on the front cover (not the one Josh just brought my attention to), "The High Art of Handling Problem People." It made me think of Ryan because he has difficulty with people and gets really rageful when people cross him. Digressing I know, but he's fascinating. One night at dinner recently he described his new house in scary Garfield Park - a mansion in the hood. It's almost a given that, once the seedier elements in his neighborhood get wind of the improvements, they will want to check things out firsthand - under cloak of darkness, probably with a weapon. They will regret it because Ryan will be ready for them. If they make it over the twelve foot wrought iron fence that's painted on the top with slippery paint that never dries, and they jump to the garden below, their feet will be impaled by spikes that are designed to cut through shoes. If they're lucky enough to fall between the spikes and not be crippled, they will have to penetrate the front doors (yes doors) of reinforced steel. Assuming they breach the front door, they will be met inside with a noise so terrible it will make their eardrums pop with blood. At the same time, the entire house will fill with smoky mist, disabling their ability to see, which will probably be for the best because, if they could see, their blood would freeze in their veins to see a commando coming down the stairs (wearing earplugs and special glasses that allow him to see through the smoke).
Recently on his way home, Ryan was faced with a would-be attacker who had his eyes set on knocking Ryan from his bike and robbing him - it's a common kind of assault in that neighborhood. The mistake most people make, according to Ryan, is thinking they can veer clear of the attacker at the last minute. Ryan has ice water in his veins, so he quickly assessed the situation and sped up - set his course to run down the attacker at high speed. There was fierce eye contact that accompanied this strategy. The guy was immediately transformed from hunter to hunted and he jumped back from the curb and ran from Ryan. Next day found Ryan on the Internet researching which Nepalese machete to buy. "I have no problem beheading someone who is trying to rob me," he said casually. His plan is to wear the machete in a holster on his back with one-hand access to it. Should he be faced with the same situation, he'll reach back with his right hand, unsheathe the machete and brandish it as he rides. Hopefully word will get out to leave him alone and he won't use it!
Anyway, the article in the May issue of Psychology today that Josh found so inspiring is entitled "How To Grow Up," by Pam Weintraub who interviewed psychologist David Schnarch, an expert on intimacy. One of the opening paragraphs:
Once considered a heretic, Schnarch is today a distinguished presence in psychology, a pioneer set on redefining intimacy and reinvesting marriage with the passion that usually fades. "It's easy to have hot sex with a stranger," Schnarch insists. "But passionate marriage requires that you become an adult."
And this, Schnarch admits, is a challenge. Becoming an authentic adult means going against the whole drift of the culture. It specifically means, among other things, soothing your own bad feelings without the help of another, pursuing your own goals, and standing on your own two feet. Most people associate such skills with singlehood. But Schnarch finds that marriage can't succeed unless we claim our sense of self in the presence of another. The resulting growth turns right around and fuels the marriage, enabling passionate sex. And it pays wide-ranging dividends in domains from friendship to creativity to work.This goes against much of what we've come to believe is true - that relationships are all about oneness and attachment. Schnarch maintains that traditional marital attachment is stifling and prevents growth - "it reduces adults to infants." He talks about the need to differentiate - where you can live happily in close proximity to another while still maintaining selfhood - interdependence versus dependence.
I like this very much and it reinforces the work I'm doing on myself, specifically the AloneAsArt. I'm pretty sure that unless we have the skills to do good alone, we can never be good in a relationship. We will be looking for another person to soothe us like a mother. We need to be able to soothe ourselves. And then there is the sex and being able to experience true intimacy - terrifying as that can be. He talks in the article about one couple who were failing to connect. His prescription? - open their eyes during lovemaking. Harder than it sounds!
Eyes-open sex drills right to the heart of differentiation and drives the process of growing up. Closed-eye partners can get close enough to copulate, but not so close that they have to confront the differences between them or delve into who they are. The discomfort of eyes-open sex, on the other hand, heightens connectivity. Physical sensation and emotional connection become integrated rather than remaining separate dimensions that can interfere with each other. At the same time, the sense of individual selves is enhanced.Challenge today is reading this article. Here is the link again. Josh and Ryan were blown away by it as was I. When I finally fell in love, there was much about it that was wonderful but in love, there is stuff that bubbles up from God-knows-where that is just not good - dependency, clinging, worry, suspicion, jealousy, lack of focus, fear of the future. I see now, that ugly stuff is the infantile side of ourselves that is awakened from its disappointed sleep - the infant that lives in sulky slumber in each of us, waiting for a good mother - a mother who won't screw up this time, who will always be there, who will never take her eyes off us, who will love us every single minute of every day with eyes for no one else. Perfection love, impossible love and yet the love we still in our tiniest self still seek.
Growing up - hard. The assignment is being that mother to yourself so you can be good for yourself and other people.
Peace,
Sarah
No comments:
Post a Comment