Wednesday, writing group tonight and time to put together weekend plans - learned my lesson too many times that if you don't want to find yourself alone on the weekend, you've got to manage your calendar.
You probably figured that I'm off balance these days, not doing a good job handling my emotions. Think I need to recite my mission statement over and over again, especially the part that reads, "accepting sadness and loss". Reader yesterday added a critical comment that I removed. Pissed, I lashed back and then removed my response as well. Gist was I'm revealing too much. And he/she is right - I'm off balance and when I get this way, I seek attention, act out, am outrageous to distract from the real issues. It's the opposite of grace where you just dig down, find inner strength, sit quietly with your feelings and don't act out. That saying, "Don't just do something, sit there!" is something I need to remember at times like this.
Cuz, when the going gets dicey, I make plans, take action, even if the action is destructive or ill advised - anything to assuage the pain. I'd be a dangerous military leader because, rather than study the enemies plans and rub my chin as I looked at the battle maps from every which angle, I'd be the squadron leader that jumps into action and races my men to the top of a dangerous hill with snipers firing on us, thinking we could dodge all the bullets, propelled by the need to act - anything but acquiescence. So it was when faced with seeing P. for the first time since December. Didn't want to be pathetic, didn't want him to see me stuck in love with him, so I decided to take the hill, to prove to him and myself that I still "have it." I'd show him I was moving on in the most dramatic way I could - eschewing love, acting like a man, taking lovers, being carefree and callous. Being in charge. Regaining control. Sarah=bold once more.
This blog is a perfect place to act out. I will distract you with outrageousness. Won't bore you with, "sit with the pain" bullshit. I will entertain you - "What will Sarah do and write about next!?" At those times, fuck Living Well, let's just live large, fun, in the spotlight. I'll sing louder, dance faster for your pleasure. Those of you who know me and care about me are, of course, concerned.
Need to rewind to the morning after dinner with Patrick. My plan for that day was to take quiet time on the beach. Instead I went into action and made a fool of myself. I decided to glitter, show off, be Carmen, be impervious. Seemed like a good plan. 'Twas not a good plan. After I write this, Joey and I will take that needed walk along the lakefront. We'll end up at the dog beach. I'll watch him get his physical needs met, romping in the surf with other dogs as I sit and quietly seek strength. Then we will walk more. I will walk until I find a measure of peace. I will walk to quiet my mind and still the tears and to regain my equilibrium. Need to put myself in a time out.
The takeaway for today could be thinking about the call to action when feelings assault you. If you're like me at all, that whole fight/flight thing kicks in when emotions surge.And if you're at all like me, your response may not be your finest hour. We try to protect ourselves from pain and then end up shooting ourselves in the foot, disappointing people, acting in unseemly ways, exacerbating the original wounds. It's so difficult to do nothing when your brain is on fire, harder still when your heart is under siege. Run! Run! Run! Take prisoners! Hurt someone back! Take the hill! Makes you feel like you're doing something positive - moving forward, taking action in a positive way. I'm thinking now that some things are simply to be endured without action, without fireworks. There are crosses we must bear with grace and equanimity.
Peace (truly),
Sarah
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