Having the best birthday so far - it really comes down to attitude? Woke up to a gorgeous day with a chorus of birds outside my window singing Happy Birthday to me! I'm lucky to have two enormous trees that make my backyard feel like a forest preserve. One is "mine" (does a tree every really belong to a person?) - an elm tree that is so old and large that its canopy spans four properties. It brushes up to an enormous spruce in my neighbor's yard that is twice as tall as my very tall house. They are both wild life habitats and I get to see both of them out my bedroom window as I lay in bed. So I woke this morning, another year older, and just lay there in bed, taking stock of the good things about my life, grateful to be alive and full of passion.
Then went downstairs quietly so as not to wake Shay who has been sleeping on the couch these days. Madeleine had left three lovely wrapped presents for me along with a card that made me weep. There may be fireworks between us but there is also so much love. Then tons of calls and texts: Liza, my brother, Christ, Anna, Mark, Dorothy, Laura, Catherine, Carla, Nick. I feel cocooned in love by friends and family. Then a trip to the neighborhood nail salon that I've been going to for almost ten years for a manicure and pedicure. I live in an ethically diverse neighborhood and much of the time, I'm the only white person in the place. Staff is Vietnamese and the patrons black. It's been really good for me, being up close and personal with people who I thought were very different from me. Yeah, let's talk about race for a minute. So here I am, a liberal middle aged, upper middle class woman living in a progressive diverse community. I pride myself on having those values - I come from Cape Cod after all - Kennedy country. I'm a good liberal Democrat. But truth is even a town like Evanston is segregated - we joke we have "drive by diversity". And I'd be less than truthful if I didn't say that I have had preconceptions and biases. For a long time when I went to the nail salon, I didn't mingle much, felt an impossible cultural divide that really was mostly of my own imagination.
What changed? Maybe my lens changed as a result of therapy. I think I relaxed and started to notice, accept and even embrace differences between people. Even my choice of therapist challenged stereotypes - Kaveh is an Iranian immigrant. I remember interviewing him and asking him pointed questions (OK rude) about how he viewed women - I probed his cultural biases before I would commit to work with him. I wanted a therapist who thought like me - who would be a comfortable mirror. What I got was a worldly, sophisticated man who has seen and known way more than me about life and trauma. He and his family fled the Iranian revolution in the '70's with the clothes on their back. His mother is Shiite and his father atheist. Kaveh embraces Sufism and his children are raised honoring all the holidays. Because his wife is Jewish, they celebrate Hanukah, Ramadan and just because it's fun and they live in a Christian country, they also enjoy Christmas. He takes none of it seriously - "any reason to celebrate," he says.
Anyway - the nail salon. So many of my prejudices and assumptions about black women have been shattered over the years. I have met the smartest, loveliest, women there. When, for instance, we talk about cooking, I have expected to be regaled by recipes involving lots of salt and fat and unhealthy Southern cooking, but more often than not, I find the women I speak with as knowledgeable about health as me and equally committed to things like whole grains, organic produce. etc. Today, word got around that it was my birthday and next I knew there were six patrons singing to me and chatting me up about my plans. And I don't mean to imply that there are no cultural differences. There is typically a strong religious commonality among the women there - lots of Jesus talk and they do tend to go a little flashier with their nails than I am comfortable with, but that's fun right? Doesn't hurt me one bit to get a dose of Jesus! Today one of the gals, who is also a storefront minister, sang gospel to me! I love my nail salon and I love my community.
Am headed out in a few minutes to have lunch with eldest daughter, Catherine. Then back to the house to start the chile and verde sauce for the party - yesterday I got all the shopping done. Tomorrow will be sweets day - lots of baking. Just got a text from Christ. It was a surprise, where he's taking me to dinner tonight. I was given cryptic instructions to meet him at "Girl and The Goat" at 809 W. Randolph at 5:50! Hmmmm...how does one dress when they're going to meet a goat!!?
The challenge today is an important one and probably deserves more than this one post. Think about the people in your life and if you have expanded your circle to include people of other races and backgrounds. If you're like me, you may have gravitated to people who are cut of the same cloth as yourself. It's comfortable, right? But I'm telling you, that if you find yourself in homogenous-land, you're missing out on a lot of life. You've limited yourself to a small fishbowl when there is an ocean out there waiting to be explored. Kaveh says to me, "you're stuck up there in Evanston thinking your world is large. Use the time you have left to open yourself up to people and places and explore the world." For me, comfort with that concept started at the nail salon.
Peace,
Sarah
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