Friday and no plans which scares me. Don't have plans for tomorrow night either. It's shaping up to be a lonely weekend. What a contrast to last weekend and the mammoth birthday party with loved ones all around! And really, I am the architect - if it's a lonely weekend, it's of my own making. There is so much to do in this city. Thinking attitude adjustment is in order. I will shake the trees and make something happen that it is fun and life affirming. Having said that, it's the weekends I miss having a boyfriend - everyone is coupled up.
Yesterday the trade show, an annual event for the master agent we do most of our business under. It's a huge deal with a keynote speaker and all the carriers whose products we represent in attendance vying for our attention. And because I've been in this business so long - 23 years - I'm well known and respected. Here's my problem (there's always a problem, right?). My problem is that they all look alike to me with just a few exceptions. These telecom boys are cut of the same cloth - usually dapper, clean-cut, eager expressions when they meet me, disappointed expressions when I don't remember them. They usually wear khakis and have a button down shirt, sometimes a polo. They usually use hair product to make their hair spike a bit. If they're one of the older gents, they are graying and balding, fit, always smiling. I never remember anyone and some of these guys I've been rubbing shoulders with for 23 years!!! So I smile and fake it. Most people remember me 100+ pounds heavier and they marvel over my appearance - that feels good but really I could care less about telecom boys - no romantic prospects there - God forbid - what would we talk about? - latency and jitter? So yesterday when my feet got sore in heels I changed into my five fingered shoes which looked smashing with my dress (not!), and the shoes became good conversation starters, got me off the hook for not remembering names.
I did win an IPad! Well won is probably too strong a word. To the audience it appeared as if I was the lucky winner but each year, the principals of the event rig it so I win something big. Cracks me up but I love it! And I was just thinking of getting an IPad so I am excited to own one! Dinner was fourteen men and Sarah at Carlucci's - surprisingly nice with good conversation. And here's the thing. The telecom boys, when you scratch the surface, they're people too and often interesting people with surprising hobbies and passions. So, shame on Sarah for being so dismissive! It's just that I like really smart men - I mean crazy smart and there aren't many PhD's selling T1s and phone systems! Prejudice showing through again. Today Sarah=unsufferable. One things a given - I'm not going to pick up any guys with my Vibram shoes on!
Read an interesting article in NYT today called Cycle of Fear by Tim Kreider. It was timely because I just had a conversation with a good friend of mine who is going through a difficult divorce. It's making him crazy and what's worth noting is how irrational we get when we're under duress - common sense goes out the window. In his case, he has ceased tending to the things he actually has control over and has devoted his energies to trying to control the actions of the players in his drama over which he has absolutely no control or sway. And why do I think this is all too common when you're feeling like a rabbit in the headlights - we make really dumb, unenlightened decisions when our brains are flooded with adrenaline. It's that whole fight/flight thing and the lizard parts of us that just aren't that sophisticated. I'm far from an expert, but because I care and because I have some perspective, I counseled him to stop trying to micromanage the actions of others and to focus on taking care of himself. In recent days I've talked about putting a healthy container around ourselves so that when shit happens or we're having a bad day, the container holds us safe. The containers are the deeply ingrained good things we do for ourselves, the rules we live by. When we live them every day, they don't fail us when we falter.
I've been where my friend is right now, giving back progress (he lost a lot of weight too and has been putting some back on). He is using alcohol to numb his pain versus the healthier choice of exercise which is a better way to dope your brain. He is obsessively checking e-mail and over-communicating, making himself crazy. Been there. There are things he could do, that are eminently within his control that would bring him a measure of peace and wellness, even while he's embroiled in the insanity of divorce - meditation, exercise, eating well, having fun. These things should be his container - they will get him through.
Anyway, the article. The author is an obsessive worrier too and he's not even going through the divorce from hell like my friend. He just worries about everything, incessantly - his brain never shuts off - well, almost never. But curiously, it seems when he puts himself in actual physical danger, all the other imaginary dangers flee his mind. His premise is that humans do best when when under "moderate threat of death".
I’m convinced these are the conditions in which we evolved to thrive: under moderate threat of death at all times, brain and body fully integrated, senses on high alert, completely engaged with our environment. It is, if not how we’re happiest — we’re probably happiest in a hot tub with a martini and a very good naked friend — how we are most fully and electrically alive.The challenge today is evaluating the quality of your worry. Are you consumed with worry over things you have no control, while at the same time abrogating responsibility and ignoring stuff that really does require action and focus? If that's the case, then consider the idea that you might be deliberately distracting yourself from the really important things that require your concern and yes, worry. If, you spend hours worrying about your upcoming plane trip and the thought you may crash, or if you're fixated on the upcoming election to the point where it's making your stomach churn, but you're NOT focused on the recent blood-work you got that shows your cholesterol numbers aren't good, or that you've been living on principle that you earmarked for retirement, then something is amiss. Let's make a commitment to worry ONLY about stuff we can control and that is worthy of our worry efforts! (BTW, I'm getting rid of all my pandemic flu supplies - all $10K of it!).
Peace,
Sarah
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