Roar of The Butterfly/Go Forth Little Grasshopper

Wednesday and so much to do! Active negotiations underway on the purchase of my office space. My birthday tomorrow and the party on Saturday. Party prep (lots of it) including this evening hitting three grocery stores. Manicure and a crown on a back molar. Birthday lunch with Catherine tomorrow, dinner and Spider's show with Christ, then Friday lunch with his sister Natalija who is in town directing Spider's one woman show, The Roar of the Butterfly which you really should try to see - running through most of May at the Victory Garden. And then sometime during all of this I need to find time to make the house pretty, and cook: four trays of chiles rellenos (I grill poblano chiles, sweat them in a bag, clean the guts out, stuff them with cheese and then bake them dolloped with a fluffy batter until they're golden - then out of the oven topped with a green verde sauce), fajitas, Spanish rice, refried beans, a huge pot of vegetarian chile, cornbread, gallons of killer Sangria (all booze - no fruit juice), "almost better than sex chocolate cake", lemon pepper ginger cake, tiramisu, carrot cake, two strawberry rhubarb pies, maybe a few pans of pecan rolls. Lots and lots of work, and then making time to look pretty, relax and enjoy my own party. The RSVP's are finally coming in and it looks like there will be a fun crowd there after all. Everyone will bring Tupperware to take leftovers.  

Huge challenge this week to stay on Weight Watchers - last two weeks I'm down 7.6lbs. I'm determined to lose even though the week is full of festivities - determined to keep the momentum. This is the year I'll take this bad boy home - I might not be at goal weight by the end of the year, but I plan to get close. So, nothing but dry salads, the healthy chile, a single glass of wine, maybe a piece of fish when I go out with Christ. My gift to myself this birthday will be exercising willpower. So, when I ask you to eat a piece of my chocolate cake and describe the experience in detail, know I'm eating the cake vicariously. For that moment, I will enter your body and enjoy my cooking through your taste buds. Rolling your eyes and groaning in ecstacy would be appreciated!

Today, loving the Buddhist Daily Dharma I get every day in my e-mail. It fits with my therapy session yesterday, in which Kaveh counseled me to "go forth and experience life, little Grasshopper!" OK, he didn't say Little Grasshopper - I added that, but it had that flavor. He counseled me that life can't be project managed, people can't be project managed - there is an ebb and flow that happens whether we're ready for it or not. Ebbs and flows, ups and downs, ins and outs - we are organic beings and, like all creatures, we are subject to the tides and cycles of nature. Fight the flow and be frustrated. Surrender to it and live in harmony. Kaveh - he's one wise guy.

Here's the Dharma:

As soon as we think we know something, then we become rigid and unresponsive. You know the famous phrase: 'For the beginner there are many possibilities, but for the expert there are few.' Maintaining a mind of 'not knowing' allows us to respond to situations with openness, freshness and joy.   - Gerry Shishin Wick Roshi

With that, today, I am armed with wisdom (different than years ago when I was defended by sarcasm, cruelty and black and white thinking!) I'm hoping this quest I'm on resonates with you - that you are similarly finding strength in relinquishing control. It's the human condition, I think, for us to try and put rigid structure around ourselves. I have a friend who is going through a horrific divorce that might end up going to trial. He is embroiled and finding it hard to maintain perspective. It's taking a toll on his health and probably his relationships. Didn't really know what to say to him - these days Sarah knows she has very few answers.  What I DID say was, "This will play itself out. Life goes by in a flash. In just a few years the kids will be adults and the struggle over child support will be moot. You will survive this, so take some steps back, look on the struggle with dispassionate eyes and get some perspective. Take care of yourself. It's not that none of it matters, it's just that it's not as important as it seems now. Stay in the game - don't put your head in the sand but ride this out with wisdom and compassion for yourself and others." Not bad, eh?

The challenge today is thinking about maintaining a mind of 'not knowing'. If you're like me, you chafe when you can't shape people and events to your specifications. Not knowing what the future holds is aggravating and frustrating! For people like us, surrendering and relinquishing control is really hard! Kaveh loves to reference corny movies - yesterday it was The Titanic. The heroine in that movie was given an unexpected gift of a short, but important love affair. She surrendered to it, not knowing what her future would be, not trying to make sense of it. The end was certainly not what she would have scripted for herself, but she used it as a positive catalyst. She was broken open by love and tragedy. If she had lived rigidly and unresponsively she would have missed an amazing opportunity for change.

When you read this, it will already be my birthday, May 3rd. I love my birthday - always have.

Peace,
Sarah

Picture is of Joey. I usually have him only during the day but Elizabeth needed me to keep him overnight this week. In the spirit of wonder and amazement and surrendering to the mysteries of life, who would have thunk a year ago that this May instead of an old Marine, I'd have a new, handsomer, even younger man in my bed - one who loves me even more and would never, ever think of leaving me! :)