Online Alligator Pit/Fledgling Flight

Tuesday. Last night fun with friends Alan and Carla and their friend, Jeff. We went to Katerina's to hear three locally famous couples perform: Judy Roberts and her husband Greg Fishman, Jeannie Lambert and her husband (his name escapes me) and Petra and Andy Brown. It was great fun and inspiring to hear the different vocal styles - watching others perform is still the best way to learn. Carla and I agreed that everyone around us seems to be gaining weight - I wonder why that is! Me on the other hand, losing slowly - had used all of my WW points by the time we went so I just drank diet coke the entire evening.

But the exercise - boo. First the arthritic flare up in the knee which failed to flare down, so a cortisone shot a week+ ago, but then the fall down the front stairs RIGHT on the bad knee - arg! Shay says these days I'm a woman of color with the leg purple red and green from the ankle to above the knee. I broke down and went to the doctor yesterday cuz someone had me freaked out that one of the bruises which is more than a bruise could be a giant blood clot that could cut loose and lodge in my heart and kill me. My doctor said it bears watching but that I'm in no immediate danger of keeling over dead.

And speaking of keeling, today is a day for trying to maintain an even keel. Got some bad news about someone dear to me that requires a response from me. If I've learned anything these last years in therapy, it is to sit with stuff and not make precipitous decisions while the fight/flight response runs rampant through the body. Most decisions can wait until the body settles down and absorbs the facts and things can be weighed more rationally. So no immediate decision as to this person but my gut tells me that it's time to pull up the drawbridge. Time to let this other person figure out their life path without my well meaning intentions getting in the way - without using me as a crutch for not making changes.

So, you're not used to me being so cryptic, right? I guess I'm still smarting over peoples' criticism of this  blog - I've been told it's a TMI thing on many occasions. And I do need to respect the privacy of family and friends. Some friends don't mind being discussed at all - especially because I usually paint them in a positive light - Lucas (Liza), Convex (James), Gei (Josh), etc. There are many people in my life I don't discuss at all.

Speaking of friends, talked with Carol yesterday after a long dry spell - she's been really busy with family and pursuing her Master's in Literature, not to mention her work which is working alongside a nationally renowned academic who specializes in the issues surrounding family businesses (Kellog Center for Family Enterprises). He travels, consults, writes and lectures about family businesses and Carol does much of his research and coordination for him. Anyway, we hadn't spoken for a while and I brought her up to speed on my comings and goings as well as my impending date with Thomas on Saturday. When I mentioned he is a PhD candidate in Economics at Northwestern, she was delighted and told me that program is in the same Kellog building she works - that she's probably taken the elevator with him. Later I got an e-mail from her saying she had looked him up in the directory of students and he is not listed - could I have given her the wrong name? Seems I have protective friends and Carol always runs with the ball. She's the one who, after dinner with me, in which we discussed my Frisbie father (the one who died when I was 16 months old, went home and did a genealogy search of him and discovered I have first cousins living in Chicago. Researching anything and everything is what Carol does. So what do I do with this information? Just tuck it away as a red flag or do I ask him to clarify the discrepancy? It's so weird meeting people on line - it's not like normal dating where your friend, who sets you up, will vouch for someone's authenticity/character, etc. It's rough out here! If you're in a relationship think twice before jumping into the pit of online alligators! Hoping Thomas is who he says he is, but if not, I'll deal.

Lucas and I had a laugh recently over this issue. She and I decided sometimes you just have to make due - if it turns out Thomas is a Nigerian scam artist but I still like him, it doesn't preclude still having a relationship. Seriously, he could probably use a  partner! I could help him with his scams, writing or proofing his false profiles, being his wing "man". I could vouch for him if women, who were about to write a large check, got cold feet and I could definitely move to Nigeria to be with the man I love. Learning to be non-judgmental and open-minded!

Today, sad about the decision I have to make, worried about the authenticity of my date, struggling to establish order in the house after the office move, needing to reinvent my work effort, lots of unfinished business that needs focus. The downsizing is an opportunity. The unearthing of sedimentary layers of possessions is an opportunity. The clean living is the right foundation. In important ways, I feel born again, like a fledgling bird perched on the edge of a nest. That's the image I saw out of my window today while I decided what my day's agenda should be. Because my house is a lot taller than the neighbors, I look out onto the roof of the house next door. This morning an adorable sight - a baby dove sitting in the rain gutter - thinking he was waiting for mom and dad. While the little guy waited, he worked his wings, poufing them out and in, making them strong. A few times, I thought he was going to take first fledgling flight, but I swear I could see him looking down at the ground and deciding the fall would kill him - so he just poufed and paraded and waited to grow up.

Challenge today could be thinking about your life as being reborn. If I've inspired you to clear the decks of clutter and years of stuff, if you've done the hard structural work of sweeping out the old to make way for the new and now you find yourself wondering what the "new" looks like, take heart.  It might just be a matter of waiting with an open heart, maintaining your enthusiasm for other people, living life curiously and optimistically. The "new" will be revealed if the work has been done. It's antsy-making though - living in the cracks of old and new, sitting on a ledge, poufing and parading, waiting, waiting for the time to be right to take flight.

Peace,
Sarah