What Do You Do When You're a Stradivarius and You're Losing Your Strings?

Friday, and a weekend. No Schaller's tonight - Bobby, pianist is out of town so Judy and I will go to the piano bar at Maggiano's and have a blast singing for the patrons there. Last night a long ride out to Joliet to the Hollywood Casino to have dinner with Christ in their fancy restaurant, The Final Cut. We had a wonderful bottle of red wine and special Japanese steaks from cows that had been massaged. The chef came out twice to make sure we were happy and the staff was nervous, I could tell, wanting it to be perfect for their boss. Thinking too, they were curious about me and my relationship to Christ which was cute. And really nothing there - C. and I are just friends. Funny, when you meet someone and are attracted - a possibility opens but then, in time, if it doesn't leave the dock, that ship sails away and those feelings dissipate. These days I just enjoy his friendship with no desire for it to be anything more. It's good that way.

My life is a blank page now that I've relegated the past where it belongs - the past. Reminds me of The Waldorf School where I sent my kids. Their text books were blank - seriously! Imagine getting your Physics book and it being a bound book of empty pages that you would, in time, fill with drawings and notes from Socratic lectures. I love that way of learning - it's so organic and the knowledge lives within you, in a way that studying words and drawings on a page just can't accomplish.

But how intimidating to think of the future as a fresh piece of blank paper with limitless possibilities! I'm a kid in a candy store with a drippy cold! Today, attending to infrastructure stuff - bills etc. but also spinning some dreams with toilet paper stuck up my nose. You'd never know by looking at me today that I'm feeling like the world is my oyster! So far my list - the things I'm inventing the possibility for, are:

• the possibility that I will be right-weighted and athletic (already well on my way, but I want to keep that vision front and center and take it home)
• the possibility that I will be a truly great performer. I'm at that point where I have some talent but I need to do hard stuff to cross the threshold into being great. Too many singers of my caliber, think they're better than they are, cling to bad habits, don't record and critique themselves including their stage presence, aren't humble enough.
• the possibility that I can do work I love, maybe even a late in life change of career. I'm in the enviable position of being able to work this job and create something new at the same time - I have time for that.
• the possibility that I will find a romantic relationship. Now that I'm committed to leaving the heartbreak of the last year behind, it opens up the possibility that there is someone out there I could partner with.
• the possibility that my family can be really close - me and my girls, a formidable team of women. And my nuclear family, three brothers and a sister and a mother - we haven't been close in years - we could be close again.
• and more, more, more.

One interesting thing. In the Forum, we were asked to throw out future possibilities that we could embrace fully. People said stuff like, "a great relationship", "success in my career", "a good relationship with my daughter", etc. I surprised myself when, what came out of my mouth was, "aging". Everyone said, "What?" I had to explain that sometimes you have to embrace the thing that is most terrifying, make it your magnum opus. Some of you have the whole aging thing well in hand - your life feels like it's on track, children, grandchildren, a spouse, you're a deacon in your church, you have grown into the role of an elder. Not me! Fingers in my ears, singing loudly, La, la, la....I can't hear you!!! - eyes closed when the subject of growing old comes up. It's just not for me - I declare myself exempt. Old people are pathetic - they are the "others". Gross.

Article in the NYT today (or was it New Scientist?) about super models aging. Question one posed, "What do you do when you're a Stradivarius and you're losing your strings?" Really hard for them, having lived their entire lives relying on their superficial beauty for their livelihood. And there is a fascination with decaying beauty - every wrinkle is scrutinized. I'm a mess over this especially because I'm single. Not for me the peace of being in a relationship with someone who is committed to me despite the toll gravity is taking. There is so much pressure to be visually beautiful and appealing. Latest is my eyelash extensions - they are stunning! The regimen is daunting! Highlights, waxing, eyebrow tinting, gel nails, pedicures, dieting, expensive creams, liquid nitrogen to remove sun spots, clothes, self tanner, hats to keep sun off, makeup, teeth whitening.  Arg!  Why are we so visual!!! Damn, what a burden it is!

Rambling today, I know. Got to get work done - got a life to live over here. Challenge today is thinking about aging, beautifying - how much effort you make to keep your vessel shiny and attractive - is it worth it? Should we do more? Less? Is it possible to be loved if your container is a messy, unkempt, weedy garden? Or, if by just letting the weeds take over, you're projecting that you've given up, just don't care much for yourself and others shouldn't either.  Thinking Andy Rooney really should have trimmed those eyebrows and got nosehair clippers..  I dunno....I'm betwixt and between on this topic. Kaveh says the container means nothing, that beauty is within. I'm not sure anyone wants to discover the "within" unless the "without" looks well tended. I'd love to see comments on this topic - it troubles me.

Peace,

Sarah

Picture is a gross example of NOT aging well!