You Will Miss These Days/Friday The 13th

Friday the weekend is upon us. Tonight Schaller's for sure and I'm promised the gang will be there - I plan to sing my heart out. And today is Friday, the 13th, but I decided years ago that days like today are propitious, not to be feared. We can make our own superstitions.

Yesterday, crazy busy day. Lunch with ex-employee Sue and her co-worker - they both, unknown to me, have been regular readers of this blog and Lisa, the co-worker wanted to meet me. Lunch at Blind Faith, my regular healthy haunt - over twig tea we got to know each other. Lisa and I both agreed it was an odd meeting because she knows most everything about me (not a lot of filter there, right?) and I knew nothing about her - how one sided! Upon entering my house, she felt an instant affinity for Joey, having read about his trials in puppyhood - the abuse evidenced by all his scars (he was actually branded with a heart on his back), she and Sue wanted to see the Victor inspired Zen home office, and at lunch she inquired about Kaveh and other items in the blog. Mostly though, I learned about her life to even up things. It was really nice to meet her and see Sue again. Flesh and blood contact - what a concept!

Then a lazy afternoon with client and friend, Paul - he's been a customer of mine for over twenty years. We talked biz and he measured my roof (he does roofing on the side), but mostly we just put our feet up and talked about everything under the sun - for five hours!!!!! That meeting was cut "short" when Martin showed up. Three hours later I was ready for the day to be over - so much face time! These days, I'm alone a lot - yesterday was feast for my normal famine.

Alone is what I'll talk about today. Martin reminded me that years ago, when we first started working together, he had me create two drawings: one of my then current life, and the second drawing of what I wished for. The first drawing was a picture (badly drawn) of me as a furnace with a fire blazing in my belly. I was the largest figure in the picture - around me were smaller people with their hands on me, extracting my energy and warmth (I was tired of being the fire in everyone else's belly). The second picture was me in a sunny happy kitchen, alone, kneading bread, smile on my face. The idea in making the pictures was to put the wish into a tangible form and send it into the world. Lo and behold, it's three years later and these days, I am often happily alone in my kitchen, humming or singing and, if not kneading bread, I'm chopping vegetables for a healthy soup or chile.

I knew three years ago I needed to be alone - at least for a while. I defined the need, drew the need, and by sending the need into the universe, I made it come true. And now I find myself right where I should be, right where I asked to be - alone - but scared as shit. Many days, I run from my aloneness by distracting myself, wishing away hours in pursuits designed to pass time (like hours spent on online Scrabble) or lately, watching an entire season of The Office (in all fairness I've only done the obsessive TV streaming thing twice - it's a new bad habit). When I really need to escape the aloneness, I find relief in sleep. Last weekend was a difficult alone time - so much solitude, the silence pounded in my ears and veins. This weekend will be no different except for one important thing. I am starting to accept and appreciate that this is an important developmental stage for me - something to master and appreciate. Aloneness.

I think it was Victor who said something so profound, "As hard as these days are, you will miss them."  "Miss them? Are you out of your mind!?" I thought. But those words have percolated and rattled around in my head and I'm starting to understand. Last night I talked about it with Martin, started to put my own take on it - put Victor's thought into words that make sense to me. I told Martin I know there will be more interesting relationship chapters for me - one is probably right around the corner. If I'm a betting woman, I would say there will be one or two great loves in my future. And when that happens, I will be ready for it. I will allow myself to fall like I did before. I will invest myself fully, spoil my partner the way I'm famous for - thinking of them upon rising, many times during the day and fall into their arms at the end of the day. They will be a priority. And it will be wonderful - I will be content. At first, it will be fireworks like it was with Patrick. In time, we will settle into a comfortable routine and the euphoria will give way to something deeper but less intoxicating. As years tick by, our lives will be rhythmically in synch, but the price for that will be choosing oneness over excitement. The glittery sharp edges of a new relationship will be sanded dull - comfortable, predictable. Don't get me wrong - I will be grateful for predictable and stable but probably all the engines will have shifted into a lower gear - a sustainable, sane pace with someone who can be counted on to stay.

What I'm trying to convey is that every chapter in our lives has something to offer. We need to be careful not to wish away the stage we're in at the time, even if it's full of strife. It's now, not inconceivable to me that, in a year or so, I might look back at this time with wistfullness. I might long for the edginess of uncertainty, wish for a time when the future was so amorphous, long for a time when all my senses were on high alert. I might think back with wonder to the time when each day started with tears, when my heart practically jumped out of my chest at the mention of his name, when I was searching for answers, trying everything to be well and balanced. I might miss these days - strange as it seems.

I have a friend whose life is a compromise - he lives safely, has made conservative choices and he lacks the bravery to make bold changes. He told me he wants, more than anything, to cry, to feel love so deeply it wrenches his heart. He says there is nothing worse than feeling nothing - that he would, in a heartbeat, choose heartbreak and love lost over the emptiness of a heart that's fallen asleep in disappointment and disuse.

The challenge today is thinking about this. I know many of my friends are in difficult transitions and the thought that they should cherish their difficulties must seem like a bizarre concept. I have friends struggling with illness, financial woes, job challenges, kid issues. I'm betting each of these friends, if asked, is looking with optimism to the future when things might be better. And I'm not saying we shouldn't manage ourselves to a happy future - of course we should. But maybe we should also realize that, when that future comes, it won't be perfect either and there might be something about today (which is the future's past) that, only with the clarity of retrospection, you will value and miss. So, what is it about your life right now that is genuine, exciting, real? What might you be failing to appreciate today? What, if it were gone, would you miss?  I'll answer for me. What's good for me, right now, is the intensity of my feelings. The world is in technicolor. True, some days, the colors are too bright, but overall I am feeling and experiencing things in an acute and appreciative way I never have before. My thoughts are deep and creative. My passions boil. My heart is twice its normal size. And anything is possible! These are things I might miss in the future so I will treasure them now. This weekend, learning to REALLY embrace the lesson that's in front of me - how to make being alone an art form - not running from it - making it special, realizing it's probably just a phase and I might look back on these days and say, "What I would give for a weekend to myself!"

Peace,
Sarah