Eugene/Same, Same, Same

Thursday....blew off writing group (James led) for a last minute dinner invitation from friend Carol. In town were grade school friends of hers so she arranged a quick get together and thought to include me which was so nice. Ended up being one of those evenings you don't want to end. We arrived at about six and didn't leave until after midnight! One fellow Eugene in from California and another (Jimmy) a professor from Iowa who found himself with no Christmas plans so grabbed a ride to Chicago for some holiday diversion. Some highlights:

• Eugene - oh, my - what to say about Eugene. He's been on my radar for a long time - Carol talks about him a lot and has forwarded me clips from interviews he's given. He cuts a larger than life figure when he walks into a room - tall and handsome, Chinese/Mongolian with high cheekbones.  And then there are his clothes. He is a student of nature and that translates into all of his creative endeavors - the houses he designs (he's an architect), his drawings, the art he makes, the jewelry he designs and the clothes he wears. For ten plus years he's taken his designs to a tailor/creator in China - they work together to make him outfits that are visually stunning and also extremely practical and wearable - ingeniously incorporating elements from nature, adding functional elements. Last night he wore wide wale orange corduroy pants and a matching jacket with hinges of black silk that added structural integrity. The jacket was constructed to provide layers of warmth for his upper body with exaggerated shoulders that gave him the look of a Mongolian warrior or a super-hero. And then there are the capes - he wore a white one last night that was intricately sewn with beautiful design elements, zippers for ventilation, a hood conceived to capture the wind - I snuggled with it all evening. Here is a picture of Eugene wearing some of his amazing clothing. And here is a link to his website: http://www.eugenetsui.com/abouteugenetsui.html

• He and Jimmy (one of the other guests) were fast friends in grade and high school. Different though. Jimmy is low key to Eugene's flamboyant - we enjoyed hearing him tell us of the research he's doing for his PhD - a study of black family values and how families of railroad employees were affected by their fathers' regular absences.
• Carol's kids - so interesting and accomplished. Vil, deciding to major in physics and a really fun discussion about quantum physics and my recent fascination with reality. Daughter Julia an academic at Berkley, majoring in social anthropology, making academic films about mental illness in remote parts of the world. 
• And Carol's husband - telling us about the upheaval in his life when he and his mother escaped the Communists who marched into Hungary. What it was like to land in the U.S. in the '50's - what it's been like to be a hard-working immigrant and what that experience has brought to his family. 
• Fabulous meal - a quickly put together soup that can't be replicated because Carol crafted it from bits and pieces from her frig and vegetable bin. In keeping with the no wheat/no dairy I passed on the bread and cheese. Yay for eating well!

Keeping it short today 'cuz Josh is headed over for a visit. Carol is coming for a lesson on the iPod I just gave her and we're sure to sit around and have even more great conversation. Your challenge today could be saying yes when opportunity knocks. Yesterday when I got the call from Carol, I changed my plans - knew the writing group was in good hands with James. It's novelty - experiences outside our routines, meeting new people, being inspired by others' stories, that invigorates. It's so ironic...familiarity and routine are cozy and comforting - going to the same restaurant and ordering the same wonderful dish, your local movie theater where you have a favorite seat. Your grocery cart full of the same satisfying foods. Your predictable bed time, your favorite chair. Over time, though, same, same, same has a dulling effect. Our brains don't fire up with a steady dose of same. 

How about between now and January 1st you do something totally out of character? Tom, you could take Michelle to the opera. Carol, you could take the family bowling. Dorothy, how about you and Mike find a spot to sing Karaoke  Victor come to Schaller's with me and mingle with the Southside Irish folk. Josh, you and I will go to one of those places where you paint your own ceramics followed by line dancing in a Suburban bar. Sis, you and Mom at Chippendales followed by time floating in a water isolation tank (I actually want to do that).  Judy, you and Bernie could rent porn - ha ha! Una how about Rocky Horror Picture show with me!!!!!!!??  I could go on and on - I have so many friends.

Peace - love you all!

Sarah

What Was Good?/A Song In My Heart

Missed writing this for four days...day after Christmas. This morning found me cleaning...amazing how many dishes got used for what really was a simple brunch. Cooked for eight: two of the girls (Elizabeth is in California), tenant Mario and his friend, Liza, James and Adrienne. This morning I lay in bed and asked myself the question I always do: "What was good about yesterday?" Good to frame life that way, right? Finding the good to pluck from a mixed-bag day? Here goes:

• It's over....ha! ha! (but only kidding a little!)
• Somehow I managed to pull it together - the whole Christmas thing despite the fact that I checked out on Christmas this year.  Didn't channel Martha Steward. Didn't make forty drunken fruitcakes that I tend everyday - each in their own container, turning them and spritzing them with brandy - didn't do that. Also didn't make thousands of Christmas cookies - there was no need for the family Christmas cookie intervention where my cookie sheets are hidden from me. Also didn't shop like a drunken sailor - bought very little, spent very little. Despite being subdued, I managed to have a pretty house, a perfectly set table, a few things for the girls under the tree. I sent packages to relatives. The tree never did get completely trimmed but on Monday I finally decorated it with lights and garlands - it's fine. 
• Christmas morning I counted my blessings as I sent texts to the people I love and who love me in return. That list is very long - the people I treasure. Told my sister, "When I am sad and wishing for someone to share my life with, I have to kick myself because truth is I'm rich with friends and love." Amazing and wonderful.
• I ate the feast but didn't drink much and my Christmas eating was limited to that one meal. I've actually lost weight this holiday season which is something to congratulate myself for!
• My children are alive. I adore them. Missed Elizabeth like crazy, had a few crabby moments with Catherine and Madeleine (they were supposed to help but didn't much) -  mostly I was so grateful they are with me. I can't stop thinking of my friends' loss - what they would have given to have had their son to crab at this Christmas. Perspective.
• Also grateful for my Jewish friends - they came to the rescue this holiday season! On Monday, friend (from the writing group) Phil stopped by and helped me put the lights and garlands on the tree. It would have been a lonely job without his company. In the afternoon, I brought Carla and Alan some pecan sticky buns and we sat and listened to music and talked up a storm - later we went to see another Jewish friend - Joel - perform at 12 West Elm. Only thing that would have made it more perfect would have been Chinese food. Isn't that what all Jewish people do on Christmas - order Chinese?  Love my Jewish friends and love the blending of the cultures and traditions.
• In the morning I gave myself a stern talk - that if I didn't hear from Patrick, I would not let it ruin the day. I sent him a greeting and expected nothing in return - freely given. And I didn't expect him to respond - he's been dark for months now. I also didn't want to lay a mental burden on him - make him responsible for my happiness. So I rallied to the day, laughed, partied with friends and family, listened to wonderful music, enjoyed the tree and the smells, and remained present with the people who choose to share my life and vice versa. Late in the day, checked my phone and there was a greeting from him. It put a song in my heart.

Tomorrow I'll write more...will be back in the groove. I hope you're OK. It's such an emotional time of the year - so much bubbles up for so many of us. Just got word that a friend was rushed to the hospital the day before Christmas - overdosed on pain meds. Going to visit him today. I hope it was an accident and not a suicide attempt. I'm suspicious of the timing - for people alone (which he is) Christmas can kick you in the gut with loneliness.

Your challenge could be exercising your zoom out lens - hovering like an angel over the pageantry of your life. If you're feeling off kilter by relatives who mean well but who don't get you, or parents/siblings/children who love you but who know exactly how to get under your skin. If you are weary, overfed, over-watered, and worried about what the New Year will bring, zoom out and hover above. Summon humor and wisdom and stay present with the imperfect people in your "room". They are the ones who have chosen you. I adore all of you, aggravating flaws and all. I'm grateful to be part of your life. Now, if I could just erase the pain of the ones who are suffering this year (my friend in the hospital, my friends who lost their child), it would be something to sing about.

Peace,

Sarah

The picture? Y'all know how I feel about Santa!

Pull Them Close/What Can We Say and Do?

Friday...comotose. A malaise has descended over me. Yesterday my time was spent drinking coffee and staring out the window or sleeping. Missed an important conference call. Stared at the Christmas tree that was put up two weeks ago and still is unadorned. My house is spotless but there is not one hint that it's Christmas in a few days. Reached out repeatedly to Madeleine - felt the need to pull her close - she was elusive but finally came over at about 9PM. It was too late to salvage something of the day so I simply sat and stared at her and listened to her babble about meaningless stuff, bouncing like a kangaroo from one topic to the next. All the time, asking myself.....what's the next move. How do I keep this kid safe? ...but came up empty.

On Wednesday when I escaped to Maggiano's for singing and drink and merriment to stem the pain I was feeling over Chris' death, I sat at a long communal table and found myself in the middle of an office get-together - young sweet things - all variations on a Barbie. They wore the same uniform - short bouncy skirts, black tights, impossibly high stiletto heels, tight little tops - some wore a short jacket over, and all, without exception (and there were a dozen of them) had long straightened hair parted in the middle or slightly to the side. It was surreal (and frankly annoying because their conversation was inane). There was one guy - he was giddy with excitement and, with the arrival of each new Barbie, he announced, "I'm going to be a Daddy in July!" It made me so sad to know what he has yet to figure out - children can break your heart. I thought of a day about twenty-four years ago when my friend Steve announced with similar giddiness, "We're expecting a baby!" And what wonderful parents he and his wife, Sarah are (weird right, the names?..my husband a Steve too and he married a Sarah). The child was loved and adored and doted upon - spent his youth living an equestrian life (his mother owned a horse farm and taught and showed hunter/jumpers). His parents are fine people and excellent parents who devote themselves to the wellness of their family and community. It's just not fair.

This morning, watched an episode of Glee on my IPad (told you I'm not doing well - it is extremely rare for me to watch any sort of TV, never mind in the morning when I should be rolling my sleeves up and taking on the day). One speech that brought tears was the wedding toast at Finn and Curt's parents' wedding. Curt's father talked about his first wife's death and how very sad life can be when someone you love dies. You, the one left living, continue on - one foot in front of the other, but it's not a life worth living. I haven't spoken to my friends yet about the loss of their child - I've been thinking of what I could say that would make a difference to them, that might give a measure of comfort. I absolutely HATE that platitude, "I'm sorry for your loss." It is, to my mind, a disgusting meaningless thing to say. No different than "Best Wishes" when you hear someone's engaged, or "Have a happy holiday." What are we? - Chatty Cathy dolls with a string on the backs of our necks? - having these stock phrases that we recite as required?

What I will say is this: There will come a time when everyone will look to you to be better - to have put this tragedy behind you - to move on and be OK.  People will give you a year or two to heal and then they will be impatient with your pain. You will see it in their eyes, hear it in the advice they give - that they are done listening. They will think they are doing you a favor to keep things light, discouraging any conversation about your son - they will have moved beyond the pain of his loss and they will want the same for you - want the old you back. You will learn to fake it with those people - knowing they're done - that further dialogue about  the death and loss is unwanted. I will not be one of those people. I do not expect you to move on from this - there will be a new you that I will embrace - a "you" that will be forever colored by your loss. When we see each other, I want to hear how you're doing. I will listen to you talk of him, no matter how repetitive it gets.  I will never expect you to be done with the subject of him. I will be the person who helps to keep him alive in your heart by talking about him and listening for as long as it takes.

Made me think about my friend Muriel - an older woman who sings at Schaller's. Think I wrote about her once. I was a stranger to her and yet she sensed I was a person who would listen and not judge. In our very first conversation she mentioned in an off-hand way that she had son who died. She didn't elaborate. I asked her to tell me the story. What I heard was horrific - an account of her beautiful twenty-year old fireman son who accompanied a newly promoted friend to a bar to celebrate. An off duty bouncer with a hair across his ass picked a fight with the friend and Muriel's son intervened. His carotid artery was cut through with a broken ashtray. I asked Muriel if it ever gets better - if there is a day when he's not the first thing she thinks of and the last before she falls asleep. She told me, with tears in her eyes, that even, thirty years later, the pain is unbearable. Only in the last few years has she ventured out with friends, found the will to sing, to live a little. I kissed her and said, "from one mother to another, I think I understand." Now when I see her we share a special knowing smile and hug. We don't have to say much....she knows, I know she is still in pain.

Yesterday, after writing the blog, true to my word, I Googled around (put in the search field 'gun control PACs'). I was directed to a super PAC run by the mayor of NY, Michael Bloomberg. Was a little suspicious of donating to that one because I don't know what his other agendas are. Then I found the Sarah Brady site that's been around for a very long time since her husband was shot during the assassination attempt on Reagan. Seems that contributions to anti-gun lobbies are really down in recent years - their ability to lobby the government is greatly diminished for a couple of reasons: the strength of the N.R.A, the economy, the perception that, because a Democrat is in the White House, things will naturally be more balanced, etc. I signed up for a monthly donation of $50. Ironically, later in the day, friend John suggested the same Brady site! I also plan to offer my time in some capacity - Elizabeth suggested I get grass roots about it and find out what's needed in my  home town, Evanston.

Your challenge today could be putting your money where your mouth is. $50/month is eminently doable for most of us. It's the cost of one night out. Here's the site. Brady Campaign to Prevent Gun Violence.

Peace,
Sarah

Picture is my Madeleine

Dodged a Bullet/Guns=Twinkies

Wednesday night.....it's almost midnight...just got in from singing at Maggiano's piano bar in the city (Clark and Grand). I have had too much to drink and I'm beyond sad. This afternoon got word that dear friends' son OD'd yesterday. Chris was the same age as my middle daughter - they were babies and toddlers together and our families close enough that we jokingly conceived an arranged marriage between the two toddlers - Chris would marry Elizabeth upon maturity. It was, of course, a joke. Now he's dead and I'm beyond sad for the family he left behind,. I also am feeling like I barely dodged a bullet. My youngest, like Chris, is living the dangerous drug-filled life. A year ago, she was admitted to the hospital OD'd on cocaine but she survived the incident.  Weeping - there are too many babies dying these days. It's just wrong, wrong, wrong. Something has gone terribly amiss with our society where drugs and violence are systematically picking off our treasured children. Something is very very wrong.  Tonight I write with a broken heart for my friend and his family. When I got the news I knew I had to escape. I got in the car and found solace in drink and singing and the company of merry people. Home safe now, shaking, writing this with tears streaming down my face. I will be fine tomorrow - will find the will to be a source of strength for the other heartbroken people whose lives he touched. But tonight, I give myself permission to fall apart. I know what I've written here is rambly and drunken but I won't correct a word of it tomorrow. I'm so very very sad for my friends...their child is dead...dead...dead. Nothing will bring him back to them. Now the "what if's" will start, the guilt, the second guessing. Everyone one who loved him will recriminate themselves for not doing more.  Take away? I've GOT TO find a way to reach my youngest and be her guide into adulthood. I know I said I couldn't do her living for her but I have to do something.
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(This morning). Every morning I start my day with the same ritual. Before rousing I lie in bed and ask myself a simple question. "What was good about yesterday?" Most every day, I answer myself with things like: ate well, got a shitload done, sang well, had a great conversation with Catherine, just drank Pellegrino when I was out, didn't reach out to Patrick, exercised, etc. This has become an important practice - starting each day acknowledging the good stuff and the accomplishments. In the absence of doing this, my mind has a tendency to dwell on the stuff that didn't go well and the internal harsh critic's voice is the one I hear.

Woke up this morning and asked the question. Hmmm...eating? (nope I came home from the piano bar and scoured the kitchen for something taboo to eat - found some left over vanilla ice cream from Thanksgiving with no top, covered in freezer burn in the back of the freezer and ate it even though it tasted like shit) Drinking? (nope I had two unauthorized martinis yesterday - it was NOT a federal holiday.  Not communicating with Patrick? (nope, in my inebriated state I predictably reached out to him, seeking comfort for how awful I felt over Chris' death, expressed worry for my own kid).  Good it's a new day and that awful one is behind me.

The gun control discussion continues. Yesterday got a very compelling e-mail from friend John. He has been passionate about the topic and this is a letter he wrote last July and sent to the Trib.

In response to Clarence Page and the latest massacre in CO. We are bombarded with the constant drumbeat of Gun Rights. How about People Rights - the right not to be shot, the right to be safe?We have over 9,500 gun murders a year and over 30,000 gun deaths per year. And because we have hundreds of gun laws we essentially have none (Chicago banned handguns so you had to take the CTA to Berwyn to buy your handgun). Britain has one national law: 'no pistols'. Japan has national laws prohibiting most guns. Every advanced country has similar gun restrictions. The result, Britain had 63 gun homicides, Japan 21, Germany 381, Canada, 179. So criminals do not always get guns. From Politfact: The U.S. ranked eighth out of 32 nations studied, with South Africa, Colombia, Thailand, Zimbabwe, Mexico, Belarus and Costa Rica reporting higher (gun murder) rates.Do we aspire to be like So. Africa, Colombia, Thailand, Zimbabwe. People say it is a cultural issue - why is it culturally acceptable to kill a fellow American in 'self defense' - or if you are just mad at him (or her)?Culture can and has changed in many countries. Isn't it time we started to change ours?

Also talked with friend Anna and she, like me, has been on the fence about gun control. We talked through our reasons for previously waffling and we seemed to successfully deflate the arguments for gun ownership. She laughed when I made the argument for change. Stated that, yes, we are a nation founded on rugged individualism (colonists against the British, pioneers against Indians, cowboys, neighborhood vigilantes). Guns have been and continue to be woven into our culture. But....times change. It wasn't that long ago that mothers packed bologna sandwiches on white bread for their kids' lunches and threw in a Hostess Ding Dong or Twinkie for dessert.  Gradually, healthful eating has seeped into our culture and mothers are more apt to send their kiddies with hummus and whole wheat pita and a pear for dessert. We became educated and aware of the ill effects of junk food, took personal accountability and changed. Twinkies became a symbol of an old way of thinking about food and nutrition. And Twinkies had to go by by...

Thinking it's time for a lobby as powerful as the N.R.A - funded by every American who has had enough. Challenge today for me will be Googling around and figuring out if such an organization already exists - thinking it must. Then offering my help and financial support. Your challenge could be doing the same if you're on my side of this issue.

Peace,
Sarah

Freedom of An Armed Society/Long-Held Beliefs

Tuesday night - just got in from seeing Argo with friends. Really suspenseful movie - four stars in my book! But the trailers? Maybe I'm just sensitive about the whole gun thing about now but almost, without exception, all the movie previews starred some kind of weaponry - some Mafia movie, another movie about a guy just released from jail and there is a hit on him. Guns, guns guns.

That brings us to a discussion about what's on everyone's lips of late - trying to make sense of the Connecticut massacres and the search for answers. In yesterday's blog post I shared my on-the-fence feelings about guns. I'm a card carrying Democrat but not a cookie cutter one. When I was prepping my family for the impending avian flu, I planned on getting a shotgun to keep looters at bay (don't ask - I kind of went off the deep with preparations - still have cases of MRE's in the garage!)  Friend Ryan taught me to shoot. And, of course Patrick has a gun - he is a Marine. I have liked the thought that, if something really bad happened to, say, one of the kids, he could be called on to come to the rescue - rescue Madeleine from the clutches of a drug lord or something like that! And when I was considering working overseas in potentially dangerous places, I joked with him that he might end up having to travel across the world to rescue me. So yeah, guns. Kinda sexy and exciting right?

Not to mention, the right to bear arms was put in the Constitution in large part so that citizens would have the means to overthrow an oppressive government if need be. Study American history and you will gain an appreciation for the pluckiness of the average Colonist. That whole "live free or die" thing is alive and well still - there are many people in our country who take seriously their potential role in defending their way of life at the end of a gun barrel. Remember the Whiskey Rebellion?

So here I am straddling the issue - it's not a good place to be - it's a cowardly place to be - allows me to hem and haw when the discussion comes up. I find myself agreeing with friends and colleagues who speak passionately to handgun ownership while at the same time agreeing with other friends who believe guns are an abomination. Over the past few days there have been no paucity of articles on both sides of the gun aisle. I've been reading up a storm. One article in the NYT entitled, "The Freedom of an Armed Society" was what I have been needing to read. I'd like you to read it too and let me know what you think (comments please).

The author has struggled, like me, in solidifying and articulating his own position on guns. He says he has always suspected that "an armed society is not a civil society" but in order to create his own mission statement he needed to draw on some of the best thinkers of our time and also work to understand the position of people who feel the opposite. He examined the arguments of N.R.A. president Wayne LaPierre, digested the words of modern philosophers (when we're in a quandary we should always seek out our philosophers - they're the ones who make the most sense), and he cited Michael Foucault, the modern French philosopher and social theorist. He, himself, is a philosopher.

Following are some takeaways from the article that I found especially compelling:

• We are on a trajectory where guns will be ever more pervasive in our lives. The Supreme Court is upholding legislation that would allow private citizens to carry concealed weapons.  The N.R.A. "strives for a day when the open carry of powerful weapons might be normal, a fixture even, of any visit to the coffee shop or grocery store - or classroom." Ironically this comes at a time when fewer Americans are choosing to own guns. Gun sales are way up which means we're falling into two camps: those without guns and those with a lot of guns. Think of it. Do you want the norm to be for each person on the street to be carrying a gun on them just as they do a cell phone today?  
• The N.R.A. makes the case that "more guns equals more safety". They say "an armed society is a polite society." They also argue that "guns provide the ultimate insurance of our freedom in so far as they are the final deterrent against encroaching centralized government and an executive branch run amok with power".  These arguments on their face are compelling. It's absolutely true that, now and then, a crime is thwarted by a citizen packing a gun - those instances are newsworthy (and I think not all that common). I've discussed my appreciation for times when armed citizens have risen up and throwm off the mantle of an oppressive government - government needs to be kept in check, I agree. 
• Debrabander, in this article pulls back the curtain on these central arguments of the N.R.A and de-romanticizes the notion that an armed society is a polite society. He makes the case that we don't want a polite society - our Constitution is founded on a basic tenet of free speech where ideas are bandied around without fear, people get angry, people take sides. It's what makes our country great - we speak with almost impunity. And from those often messy dialogues good stuff happens - often a middle ground opens up where new ideas can breathe and change be enacted. Guns shut that down. When you inject violence into a dispute it shuts it down - people shut up and retreat to their corners. Change isn't given a chance to incubate. Or as Hanna Arendt states, "violence is mute".
• "Arendt offers two points that are salient to our thinking about guns: for one, they insert a hierarchy of some kind, but fundamental nonetheless, and thereby undermine equality  But furthermore, guns pose a monumental challenge to freedom, and particular, the liberty that is the hallmark of any democracy worth of the name - that is, freedom of speech. Guns do communicate, after all, but in a way that is contrary to free speech aspirations: for guns chasten speech.
• As for the argument that we could throw off a despotic government by taking to the streets with our weapons, that doesn't bear scrutiny well. Debrabander argues: "This argument has been the means by which gun rights advocates withstand even the most seemingly rational gun control measures (it's the argument that has kept me on the fence). He makes the case that gun ownership is ironically antithetical to a society capable of throwing off their government. Huh?? He states, "broad individual gun ownership gives the powers-that-be exactly what they need!!  Huh again!? The concept is that a population of privately armed citizens is a vulnerable one. When shit happens, there is a natural tendency for people to retreat into individualism, batten up the hatches, make a wagon train circle around their family/friends. Case in point - this shooting incident. Lots of people are reacting protectively, considering homeschooling their kids, increasing their security. The philosopher Michel Foucault says "nothing suits power so well as extreme individualism since it is far easier to manipulate a collection of discrete and increasingly independent individuals than a community." 
• The idea that we can, as privately armed citizens, overthrow our government is laughable. Even my gun totting friend Paul said, "Do people really think they would be a match for Apache helicopters with heat seeking missiles?"  This is where we need a dose of modern American history lessons. The current reality is that "assembled masses don't require guns to exercise and secure their freedom and wield world-changing political force." They need ideas and dialogue and community. Think of the regime changes in the world - they have all been precipitated by unarmed citizens. Seems we have a romantic attachment to the past where it was more of a level playing field between citizenry and government. Even then, it wasn't the farmers' muskets that won the Revolutionary War - it was the private assemblies, the ideas that couldn't be squashed and a populace that refused to be governed by a remote king. 

Challenge today is to read the article and do your own reading. Consider everything. Do your own research. Thinking the time is ripe, right now, for action on this issue. My research has led me to rethink long-held beliefs and to choose a position - one that is in many ways contrary to those long-held beliefs. I am declaring myself a person who supports extreme gun control. Now I just have to decide what it is I'm going to do to make a difference.

Peace,

Sarah

Picture - they sell combo gun/cell phone holders for your belt!

Passions Aroused/Meet the Flintstones!

Tuesday and only three days left, right? That whole Mayan calendar end of the world thing. It's on our radar, or some of us at any rate. Surprisingly, when I've brought it up recently to a few friends they somehow missed it entirely - they didn't know this was their last week! Wonder if they would have changed their plans! Last night, the final night at Petterino's until end of January (hiatus). 'Twas packed and we had a merry table with six singers - we all sang great. Judy sang a beautiful medley, Bernie an original song that he accompanied himself to, complete with kazoo, Carmen sang something from her extensive raunchy repertoire, Janet sang a tune from her upcoming show and I surprised everyone by singing a parody of "Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire." I don't usually do funny stuff. And really, funny might be stretching it a bit - maybe only funny to music geeks - maybe the rest of the non-music-literate audience was at a loss but that's OK. Mark, my music coach, gave me the song on Saturday - he was over the moon about it. I loved it too and set to memorizing it for last night - only had two days.  Here are the lyrics - would help if you would sing it with the Chestnuts tune:

Octave moving to the mediant

Major 6th stepping down to Do
Major 2nds being sung by a choir
Chromatic alterations of the scale.

Diatonic scale, descending scale to minor third

Major 6th, "2 - 5 - 1 of 4"

Major 2nds with their ears open wide

will hear a pretty tritone tonight

There's minor 7ths in the bridge

There's also lots of minor 2nds in the bridge

And every minor 6th is gonna try

to hear the supertonic over 5 of 5

A motif used to build this simple phrase

Major 6th five walks down to 1

Although this phrase rises to a high leading tone

Drop a perfect 5th

Meet the Flintstones

Sing a perfect 4th, two one

Yesterday I responded to a critical comment on my post about the Connecticut shooting. The writer took exception to the idea that we all bear responsibility for what happened. And while it did get my dander up, I am grateful for the discourse - glad to bandy ideas about with each of you. Going forward I'm going to work on softening my responses because, for dialogue to exist, it's really important to take that deep breath before writing and write in a way that the other person can "hear" versus just reacting to criticism. And who knows? - maybe they're right and I'm wrong! What the hell do I know anyway? I also got a couple of on the side e-mails and had a discussion with Kirk (Luke) who had a totally different vantage point on the event. What's emerging for me is that there is a lot of feeling smoldering - this event seems to be giving those feelings a voice. We are talking (sometimes disagreeing) and that is a good thing. Over the next few days, I'll relate and paraphrase some of what has come to me from thoughtful friends whose passions have been roused.

Friend Anna wrote to me last night:

I don't understand why people are only focusing on the gun issue.  The man was mentally ill!!!!!  Did you know government, in an attempt to "save money", pulled most of the funding from mental institutions and clinics?   Where are these people to go for help/resources?  I'll tell you where they go. . .back home to a family that's afraid of them & have no clue on how to help their loved ones out.  Once the family is too exhausted to deal with all the emotional/physical attributes (i.e. violent outbursts) associated with mental illness they literally push that person out the door in an attempt to save their own sanity and lives.  It's a hard cold truth and no one seems to want to go there to discuss what I believe to be the real root of this tragedy - a man left alone to deal with his demons (mental illness).  Don't get me wrong, I'm not defending Adam Lanza's actions - his actions caused me to literally cry & almost throw up.  But, I don't like it when this issue is brushed aside & guns take the spotlight.  There must be more done to pin point those that are on the fringe of society & we can only do this if there is more help made available.    

Kirk also focused on the mental health issue - felt, like Anna, that the gun control discussion was off the mark. He went on a rant about how we are failing as a society by not "naming and shaming". He would have us keep tabs on the fringe members of our society, stop coddling them and making excuses for their anti-social behavior, remove their ready access to weapons, lock them up if they posed a credible threat. He went on to say we fail our citizenry when we hold people to anemic standards - cited statistics about the black community and how they are held to a lower standard of education and behavior than whites. Somehow the discussion became about accountability and societal standards and ways of setting the bar higher for people living on the fringe. Hmmmmm......interesting.

This week I will share my own journey with the whole gun control issue. If this were politics, I'd be one of the coveted "undecided" with one foot in each party. I have enjoyed shooting a handgun on the firing range. Being a Revolutionary War buff, I have an appreciation for the role armed private citizens had in winning our independence from England - the well equipped English armies marching from Canada under the leadership of over confident British general Burgoyne were defeated by quickly banded together farmers carrying their own muskets.  And I've wondered if the uprising in Iran a few years ago was too easily squashed - too one sided - the citizenry there not armed. Would they have been able to overthrow their government if they had access to weapons?

Your challenge today could be to appreciate that a floodgate of passionate thinking has been unleashed by these events - the recent tragedy has created a forum for us to converse and examine our own positions, maybe change our positions. From discourse, change may occur.  So be part of the discussion. Listen well to what other people have to say and be open to learning more and maybe even changing your opinion!

Peace,
Sarah

Bloodthirsty/It Wasn't Me

I had a really good weekend and I hope you can say the same. The weather - balmy and gratefully received. I've always maintained that, if the snow can hold out until the end of December, or better yet, January (with of course the mandatory dusting on Christmas Eve) then winter is a doable season, lasting an appropriate amount of time (three months). It's those years when we're sub-zero the first week of November with ice and snow that makes it a 5-6 month season - absolutely interminable and depressing. So, yay to a late start to winter this year!

Friday, singing with the gang at Schaller's - Christ on guitar behind me and really Christ, you need to learn more songs! Each week he insists on accompanying me on "The Nearness of You" and also "Look of Love".   What if I don't want to sing those songs week over week? And "Nearness of You" hurts - it was the closest thing to having "our song" when I was with P. Each time I sing it I remember singing it to him - our eyes locked in love. I really need to not sing that song for a while.

Saturday great lesson with Mark, working on song selection for the show and then fun with Josh - dinner at Blind Faith, a mystery trip to a very cool bar in Edgewater to show him the original art decco decor (Alan and Carla introduced me to it) - Gino's North (not part of the chain). Then back to his house for our continuing Wes Anderson personal film festival. We watched The Life Aquatic - amazing! I'm such a fan! Yesterday time with Lucas and Convex in a laundromat (the only time I get to see her since she's in Urbana during the week) and last night 12 West Elm with Pam, Carla and Alan. So much fun and I must have been exuding hormones or something because there were four gents buzzing around me - Carla was amazed. I was bemused.

What's on everyone's mind, of course, is the school shooting in Connecticut. I learned about it cuz I stream headlines to my phone. And even though I don't have a TV, I read accounts on the NYT website. And I'm feeling a bit like a social anthropologist - observing the reactions, taking note of my own feelings and impulses, taking the temperature of friends and acquaintances, reading the comments on Facebook, etc. For what it's worth these are a few of the thoughts that have percolated:

• My first reaction was, "Oh, no...not again." And then curiosity. When I learned the scope and ages of the children I was, of course, horrified. Something about the children being under ten - imagining what must have been their uncomprehending reaction - their baby innocence lost in a day, in a moment.
• Mostly my thoughts have dwelled on what is it that animates us around these types of tragedies. I found myself hungrily reading each article for tidbits of first account news, impatient at the filler and the pontificating of experts. There was one article - a play by play of one set of parents receiving the news of the shooting independent of each other - each racing to the scene, getting stuck in traffic so parking the car and sprinting to the scene, the mother in high heels. Father got to their child first - she was fine and he texted the mother who collapsed with relief. Reading the article, I was relieved for them, but there was a smidge of disappointment that I wasn't reading a first hand account from one of the families who weren't so lucky. I wished to be inside the heads of the other ones - the ones who collapsed, not from relief but from anguish.
• Thinking about our complex, conflicted brains - the same brain that gushes with love and compassion is the same brain that is animated by violence and tragedy. I know I'm not unique in being titillated by disaster - I'm guessing most of you were following the play by play, being repelled by the details as they emerged but also hungry for those details as well. Do you want to know more about the boy - what makes him tick - what the mother's role was (a nervous gun collector). Are you waiting for the families of the deceased to share their stories so you can feel, almost firsthand, their pain? Something about getting really close to the tragedy, living it vicariously and then being able to step back, wipe your brow and say, "It wasn't me. My children are fine. My family has been spared...for now.."  What!? Are we rehearsing in case something like that DOES happen to us?
• As I said, social anthropologist. I refuse to just observe my brain in action when it is misbehaving. I'm refusing to follow the lizardian script that's written for me. Yes, I'm drawn to other peoples tragedies - I get it - it's the way we're wired. Maybe there is some evolutionary reason/benefit why we get lit up when something awful happens to someone else. Maybe it's designed to keep us on our toes. Having said that, I refuse to indulge those impulses. It's also the reason why I got rid of the TV. The "news", at times like this, is nothing more than good theater. Heroes, villains, innocents, lives lost, lives spared. Yet, unlike fictional theater, it's toxic in its prurient probing, taking real life events as they unfold and crafting it into television drama to be consumed by bloodthirsty viewers.
• Blood thirsty - do you think of yourself that way? Guess is you are. Did you read The Hunger Games or see the movie?  Did you tut-tut that the citizenry made a sport out of remotely watching a dozen children with weapons being dropped in a forest - victory to the last one standing? Did you tsk-tsk while, at the same time, loving every moment of it - watching and "disapproving" of the characters who got vicarious pleasure from seeing children kill other children - while, the whole time, getting your own vicarious pleasure from the violence?
• My personal solution is to acknowledge there is a reptile part of my brain that thirsts for blood but not to nourish it. No different from eschewing wheat and dairy because they don't contribute to my health. Delving into the details of this tragedy is not good for me - it animates a part of my brain that shouldn't be animated. So, I won't feed it - won't watch any of the vids, won't read the first hand accounts. I'll read the discussions of the pros and cons of  gun control (that's healthy and productive) but I won't feast on the pain of others. 

Your challenge today is being brutally honest with yourself about your own reactions to this tragedy. I hope you're self aware enough to get past the platitudes and look deeper at your own part in this. I'm thinking we are all accountable.

Peace,

Sarah

Picture=lizard brain

Pi / Normal is Never Extraordinary

It's late on Thursday - just got in from a date with Kirk (aka Luke). We went to see Life of Pi. Verdict? Really, really good and true to the book which we both loved. Really curious as to what my friend Carol will think of it - she is almost a scholar of the book having attended a thought provoking lecture by the author. The story was touching and the effects stunning. Saw it in 3D.

The date? Not so much a date as a play date (think kids). We nudged and poked each other throughout the movie, whispered too loudly (luckily there were only a handful of people in the theater) and then we slipped into World Market just as it was about to close. Kirk was literally like a kid in a candy store (World Market is among other things really a candy store). He raced up and down the aisles and even though I was on the other side of the store I could hear his exclamations as he discovered something. Then he appeared with a strangled face coughing uncontrollably, eyes popping. Atypically speechless he shoved something in my hand. I looked at an opened package (he hadn't even paid for it!). Wasabi edamame - apparently he grabbed a huge fist of them without realizing how strong they are. Goofy, that one.

Early meeting in the morning so I'm going to pad this blog post by including something I wrote two years ago. I just found it - was thumbing through some of my old notebooks. Reread it and it touched me. I think it's easy to be tender with your yesterday self and even your future self - we reserve our harsh criticism for our today self.

********

I am learning to be grateful for everything, even the difficult things. Read an essay today by Mary Schmidt, a columnist for the Trib. She explained that her mother, at the very end of her life, said it was ALL beautiful - even the horrible times. And so, when I awake with worries, stiff joints, and wonder why I should bother to put one foot in front of the other, I take stock.

I sit on the edge of my comfy bed in my beautiful bedroom and look out onto the generous elm tree that graces my window view.  I see squirrels skittering, already at play. I wiggle my toes and circle my ankles - crack, crack, crack. I am alive. I have made it this far. The gurgle of the automatic coffee pot announces that coffee is ready and waiting for me.

And yes, I am alone but life is good even when its bad. There will be snippets of joy in the day - things to smile about. I will continue to put one foot in front of the other. We don't know enough about the future to be pessimistic or, to put it another way, why not be optimistic?

• Does the thought of death make you weep?
• Are you, like me, frantic to pack living into the last chapters?
• Does it make you angry that the years are accelerating even though your foot is on the brakes?
• And why are the good times so fleeting and vanishing, zipping by the window while the drudgery is always present, trudging along?
• What if all we think of daily, worry about incessantly, what if none of it really matters - not worthy of our attention??
• Then... freedom to live unfettered to just enjoy each day...the things that happen, the weather, the food we eat, the things we see and hear.
• To be attached and unattached - now that is an art. I want to love deeply but freely in the moment, despite not knowing what may happen next.
• I want to live the rest of my life curiously and fearlessly, trusting in the future, trusting that the ride will be interesting and worthy.
• I want to die in my sleep on my 90th birthday and I want my possessions buried with me or destroyed. It's not fair they should outlive me.
• Immortality would be nice. Maybe I could have a sandwich named after me!

*******

Lot has happened since I wrote that (it was pre-Patrick). Tonight Kirk commented that so many of our Landmark classmates are acting in predictably unextraordinary ways - not following through on promises and initiatives  not keeping in touch, not taking risks, not trying new stuff. I said, "I think I'm living an extraordinary life." He said, "I think you are too."

Challenge today - don't mean to beat a drum but are you pushing yourself to be extraordinary? Are you honing your communication skills, are you holding yourself accountable, are you living in the present while still   keeping your plates in the air? 

Funny car ad in the trailers before the movie started. It said, in huge letters. "Who would want to be normal? Nothing normal is ever extraordinary.

Peace,

Sarah

Picture is of me at Petterino's in September, sitting next to the local legend Nan Mason. The other people in the picture are regular singers as well as the emcee and the wonderful pianist, Becky Menzie.

Ground Glass in his Metamucil/Tuck Yourself

Wednesday night - just got in from writing group. Crack of dawn day tomorrow - another sensitive grooming of a T1 circuit for my customer who is an emergency responder. With my other clients no one dies if the network goes down - this client is an exception. An alarm could go unanswered if I can't keep their network up. Tomorrow evening, date with Kirk - he was AWOL until tonight - hadn't heard from him in over a week. That's his M.O. - being passive letting women pursue him. So I didn't - pursue him, that is. M.O. cracked. We're going to the "Life of Pi" movie. I adored the book, hated to see it end. Kirk loved it too. We both hope the movie lives up to it.

Good turn out at the writing group. Because it's a meetup.com, I never know who is going to show to write. It's been as few as three people and as many as a dozen - tonight we had eight. Nine if I count Lucas on speakerphone from Urbana. Am feeling dark these days which bubbles up in my writing. Here is what I wrote in response to the prompt - You are getting plastic surgery. What are you making yourself into?

***************

Myrna was 74 1/2 - she looked 40 - seriously. Problem was the money had run out, the makeover incomplete, kind of like one of those brand new shopping malls where the investors back out before anything other than the facades are complete.

The plan was perfect - marry the old coot, do the personal overhaul, go back for the masters, pay off the kids' student loans and then enjoy his millions long after he was dead. He was, after all, 97 - seemed a safe bet. And just in case he decided to linger, Myrna wasn't above helping death along - she didn't believe in the sanctity of human life. Earl wouldn't be missed if, for example, she ground glass into his morning Metamucil.

But Earl lingered and even shit out the glass with no ill effects. Didn't seem bothered by the double dosing of his digitalis either. Nothing worked so Myrna, in an act of desperation, simply pushed his wheelchair off the dock of their summer cottage on Lake Charlevoix. Easy breezy - everyone thought it was a suicide. He was, after all, in pain.

The will - that's the part Myrna couldn't fix. Bastard left everything to the Lyric Opera - the house, the summer home, stocks bonds - everything! Seems he was on to Myrna all along. She sold the grand piano and the Waterford chandelier before the estate people showed up - it barely paid for the chin reduction.

Somehow she needed to come up with  money for the rest of the work she needed. Beautiful she was from the neck up and the knees down. Too beautiful and young looking - no man over 50 dared approach her which was OK because she wouldn't have welcomed their overtures. It was the guys under 50 she lusted after, but what would they think when she disrobed and her flesh hung like crepe paper on her birdlike frame, her ass sagging to mid thigh and her breasts stooping to brush her belly button. She was a freak.

****************

All for now...going to bed now before I undo all the good that's been done today. It's this time of day where resolve can fail - late night snacking, watching stupid, mindless stuff, texting to ward off loneliness. It's times like this I simply say to myself, "Put yourself to bed." And I do...at those times, of two minds. I Sybil myself into both mother and the child - I all but tuck myself in!

Challenge today for you could be embracing the concept of self-parenting. Maybe if you find yourself glued to the computer, you could find yourself saying to yourself (it would work really well if you could adopt a British nanny accent), "Off to bed you go! No more mindless surfing for you!  Time for nighty-night!"

Sometimes you just have to put yourself to bed (figuratively and literally!)

Peace,
Sarah

Picture is me mothering my doll that was almost as big as I was!

Coconut/An Old Maid??

Tuesday night...almost midnight and fighting sleep. Also busy day tomorrow so I'll get this blog at least started tonight. Had no plans tonight which is rare - most every night (except Saturday, date night) I'm out doing something. The day was full - client meeting in the morning and yes I did let the car drift over to Patrick's house where I sat  for just a few minutes thinking, "What the hell am I doing!" Thursday it will be exactly a year and a half since we broke up. Victor says, "Get over him or you'll end up being an old maid" which made me laugh. "Old" maybe but "maid"??? There were the two husbands. Anyway, I won't visit his house again like a gravestone - mostly because I think it risks being misunderstood. I mean, really, if he'd died no one would fault me for putting roses on his grave every now and then. That's what it feels like, seeing his little house - like visiting a departed loved one, taking a few quiet moments to think about the love and fun times, allowing myself to miss him - then pulling myself together and stepping back into the business of my life without him. I don't see the harm in that but when I tell people (and I never hide it), they look worried and caution me about being a crazy stalker. Makes me sad because either a) they don't know me - they should know I always find my way to the high road and b) I am mentally healthy - just still in love and struggling with it - seem to lack the "falling out of love" gene. Later, Una came for tea which was grand. Fun to hear about her brothers and sisters and her Christmas plans (she's headed to New York).

Today Victor said I need to talk about coconut in the blog. When I mentioned using coconut coffee creamer, coconut cooking spray, cooking with coconut oil, eating raw coconut flesh from the jar, basting acorn squash with coconut butter and munching on fresh coconut as a between meal snack, he said, "Huh! Are you crazy! Coconut is bad for you...everyone knows that!" "Victor, you must have missed the memo.....out with the old and in with the new! Coconut has has been rehabilitated! 180 degrees! Coconut is the new health craze!" And you DO have to take it on faith that it's good for you because when you open a jar of coconut "oil" (I put "oil" in quotes because it does not look like oil at all - looks more like Crisco), it makes you shudder in disgust. The whole hydrogenated trans fat message reached most of us loud and clear and coconut oil sure looks hydrogenated. But......it isn't. It comes by its solid state naturally, not through injecting oil with hydrogen to make it shelf stable and solid. Who knew?

And funny what first tipped us off that coconut could have special properties. Cattlemen are always looking for ways to fatten their herds. Since coconut was oil non-gratis, it was cheap and abundant, seemed like a good way to add pounds to the cows. BUT...cows that were fed a diet high in coconut, got sleek and lean and healthy and horny and energetic. And Islanders who eat a diet where over 50% of their calories come from coconut are - you guessed it - sleek and lean and healthy and horny and energetic.

Today did some coconut research in anticipation of writing this blog. Went to a site that purports to be the expert site for all things coconut. The health claims they list are amazing -  make me a bit skeptical (how can it all be true!) and make me want to do more research and validate that the site isn't just run by coconut farmers spreading hype. Can you believe the following?

Modern medical science is now confirming the use of coconut in treating many of the above conditions. Published studies in medical journals show that coconut, in one form or another, may provide a wide range of health benefits. Some of these are summarized below:

• Kills viruses that cause influenza, herpes, measles, hepatitis C, SARS, AIDS, and other illnesses.
• Kills bacteria that cause ulcers, throat infections, urinary tract infections, gum disease and cavities, pneumonia, and gonorrhea, and other diseases.
• Kills fungi and yeasts that cause candidiasis, ringworm, athlete's foot, thrush, diaper rash, and other infections.
• Expels or kills tapeworms, lice, giardia, and other parasites.
• Provides a nutritional source of quick energy.
• Boosts energy and endurance, enhancing physical and athletic performance.
• Improves digestion and absorption of other nutrients including vitamins, minerals, and amino acids.
• Improves insulin secretion and utilization of blood glucose.
• Relieves stress on pancreas and enzyme systems of the body.
• Reduces symptoms associated with pancreatitis.
• Helps relieve symptoms and reduce health risks associated with diabetes.
• Reduces problems associated with malabsorption syndrome and cystic fibrosis.
• Improves calcium and magnesium absorption and supports the development of strong bones and teeth.
• Helps protect against osteoporosis.
• Helps relieve symptoms associated with gallbladder disease.
• Relieves symptoms associated with Crohn's disease, ulcerative colitis, and stomach ulcers.
• Improves digestion and bowel function.
• Relieves pain and irritation caused by hemorrhoids.
• Reduces inflammation.
• Supports tissue healing and repair.
• Supports and aids immune system function.
• Helps protect the body from breast, colon, and other cancers.
• Is heart healthy; improves cholesterol ratio reducing risk of heart disease.
• Protects arteries from injury that causes atherosclerosis and thus protects against heart disease.
• Helps prevent periodontal disease and tooth decay.
• Functions as a protective antioxidant.
• Helps to protect the body from harmful free radicals that promote premature aging and degenerative disease.
• Does not deplete the body's antioxidant reserves like other oils do.
• Improves utilization of essential fatty acids and protects them from oxidation.
• Helps relieve symptoms associated with chronic fatigue syndrome.
• Relieves symptoms associated with benign prostatic hyperplasia (prostate enlargement).
• Reduces epileptic seizures.
• Helps protect against kidney disease and bladder infections.
• Dissolves kidney stones.
• Helps prevent liver disease.
• Is lower in calories than all other fats.
• Supports thyroid function.
• Promotes loss of excess weight by increasing metabolic rate.
• Is utilized by the body to produce energy in preference to being stored as body fat like other dietary fats.
• Helps prevent obesity and overweight problems.
• Applied topically helps to form a chemical barrier on the skin to ward of infection.
• Reduces symptoms associated the psoriasis, eczema, and dermatitis.
• Supports the natural chemical balance of the skin.
• Softens skin and helps relieve dryness and flaking.
• Prevents wrinkles, sagging skin, and age spots.
• Promotes healthy looking hair and complexion.
• Provides protection from damaging effects of ultraviolet radiation from the sun.
• Helps control dandruff.
• Does not form harmful by-products when heated to normal cooking temperature like other vegetable oils do.
• Has no harmful or discomforting side effects.
• Is completely non-toxic to humans.

All for today. You already know the challenge, right? Go to Whole Foods or Trader Joe's and get the following items to incorporate into your diet:

• coconut milk - use it in place of dairy milk
• coconut creamer - I like it better than coconut milk for coffee - it's thicker
• coconut milk in a can - use for cooking - great in stir-fry - it's what's used in a lot of Thai dishes
• coconut spray - use it instead of unhealthy Pam
• raw coconut butter - use it on roasted vegetables and as a spread on rice crackers
• coconut oil - similar jar to the butter but without the chunks - use it for cooking in place of all the GMO unhealthy oils (you shouldn't be eating anything other than olive oil (salads) and coconut oil for cooking because olive oil is actually unhealthy when it's heated above a certain temperature. All other oils (safflower, corn, canola, etc. are the new "oil non-gratis" - don't eat 'em.
• Mounds and Almond Joy bars (darn, tried to sneak them in!)

Bon Appetit!

Peace,

Sarah

Cute But Dumb/Give up the Feeling That...

Writing this ahead - just got in from a musical night at Petterino's - the place was packed and there were singers galore - lots of pros showed up. I sat with the very handsome Larry Dooley who is a great singer. He is one of the people I planned to ask to be one of the "Sarah and friends" for my show. He said yes - now I just have to find a wonderful tune for us to sing together. Today I also checked in with wonderful Kenneth Fobs who is the silkiest of singers, a la Nat King Cole. He is also more than happy to be an "and friend".  This show is taking shape! Tonight I sang Skylark, a request from Larry. It was a toss up between that and "I Thought About You." - both Johnny Mercer songs. And really if there is someone I'd cheat on Burt Bacharach with it would be Johnny - I adore anything and everything Mercer. Messed up the lyrics a bit (grrr.....) but I recovered well - that's live entertainment for you!

Text from the youngest today - she is struggling. That kid is taking the long road to adulthood - breaks my heart on many days. Lately she's been working in a vacuum store while all her peers are pursuing their education. Also living with her father in a dreary apartment. It's not much of a life, I fear. And so I wait and wait and wait for her to make a positive move. This is what I know now - wish I knew it back when. You can't do a kid's growing up for them. And you can't be a fire in someone else's belly. This being human thing is damned hard, especially so for the ones who are making the transition from childhood to adulthood. There's absolutely no getting around the fact that it's terrifying. I remember vividly wondering and worrying if I would ever make something of myself. Would I find someone to love? Would I get married and have a family? Would I be happy?She's in a bad place, having repeatedly made unfortunate choices that are now coming home to roost.

Today, client appointment in Elmhurst - I'm tasked with redesigning a client's wide area network, bringing it current to support a lot of new data initiatives. That's what I do...what I'm good at....what I'm paid well for. When I was at the vendor holiday party last week, I saw peers and vendors I hadn't seen in many many years. Even my competitors are dear to me - we've weathered the ups and downs of our industry for years, somehow surviving the tempest. I spent a long time with a competitor/girlfriend who got into the business after me. She is very successful too (she though still works twelve hour days!). We compared focuses, families, health stuff, dieting etc. Told her I was single again and looking.  "Sarah, are you insane? You're in telecom - it's ALL men! Look around you!!!" And, true enough there were ten men to every woman. "Problem is, Sharon, I only like really smart men. The men of telecom may be cute and fun, but as a rule, they're not that smart." "Oh, you're right," she said. "Cute but dumb." (Her words not mine, DJ!)

I know, just rambling today, feels like a "just put one foot in front of the other day" - winning being 9/10's just showing up! (can't remember who said that). And maybe that's what the takeaway is for today. Actually had this same discussion with my sister on Sunday. She is having up and down days, struggling with the down days, grateful for the up days. We're both doing the whole "no wheat./no dairy" thing and some days are a struggle and some we breeze through. And these gray days of December are challenging, yes? Some days finding it hard to slog through the monster lists. So what do we do? Landmark would tell us, "Just give up the feeling and thought that 'something is wrong here' ". Strange comfort in that - try it the next time you're sitting with a drink or in front of the TV or lingering in bed - feeling guilty that you should be doing something productive. At that time, try, "There were meant to be days like today - not everything goes according to plan...." If you need respite, just take it, guilt-free.  On Sunday, my sister was feeling guilty, having slept in and then spending time talking with me when chores beckoned. I quoted Landmark and she said, "You're right. This is exactly what I should be doing at this very moment. I'm sitting in my beautiful living room with my feet comfortably on an ottoman, looking out upon a forest, talking to my favorite sister about important stuff!" She became completely present in the conversation whereas before her nagging mind was nudging her in another direction.

Challenge could be you practicing the Landmark, "Give up the feeling or thought that something is wrong here."  So, today, if, after my meeting (he lives close to my client) I find myself parked outside P's house sitting with sad thoughts I won't castigate myself. If that's where the car takes me, I will simply accept that it's a meditation I still need to be having.

Peace,
Sarah

Posters, Seriously??/Hedonic Adaption

It's Monday - almost 10 - gray and lazy day!!! Weekend was fine...good singing on Friday, great voice lesson Saturday and tons of errands including getting the tree which James put up for me Saturday evening. Sunday, Lucas with her broken hand over for breakfast, then made my famous better-than-sex chocolate cake for a Hanukkah party at Carla and Alan's. Also tucked in a quick visit to eldest daughter Catherine - klatched with her and her boyfriend David. The purpose of the visit was fetching seventeen beautiful paper stars I commissioned her to make for me. Holiday gift for Kaveh along with a cake - remember I said I would, each Christmas until I die or am incapacitated, send him eighteen gifts? Haven't spoken with him or thought about him too much since therapy ended early last month - I'm content with the journey being over. And yet...he will always occupy a roomy place in my heart, hence the annual remembrance. And eighteen presents is now a joke between us - also a tender memory of when I was so dependent on him. That lowest of years saw me buying him eighteen opulent, over the top gifts that awaited him when he returned from an eighteen day vacation to the Bahamas - totally inappropriate and I'm sure overwhelming. Now eighteen tiny appropriate gifts. Thinking next year, I'll make him a mobile with seventeen origami cranes (plus a cake).  I'll bet he thinks I'll forget him in time - that there will be a year when there will be no package. Actually I take that back - he knows me - knows that when I give my heart it is faithful.

Doing research for my tribute to Burt Bacharach show in September - a five CD collection of every song he wrote showed up in the mail and I've been listening to it over and over, mulling over which songs will make the cut. What I'm struck by is how many horrible songs he wrote! For every song of his we love there are probably three wretched ones. Really Burt - what WERE you thinking when your wrote some of these. One period in particular from the late '80's to the early '90's was, in my opinion, particularly abysmal   Songs written for and sung by black artists who tried to warble and wail their way through to recording hits - despite the fact the songs ramble, have unmemorable tunes and insipid lyrics - seems it was a low period for both Burt and Hal David (his lyricist who just passed away).  In the show, for comic effect, I'm going to do a medley of the worst of the worse songs. So - the show - it's really going to happen - booked firm. Did I mention this is really scary? It's my crossover into singing professionally. Point was hit home when Davenports reminded me they would need my posters for advertising a month in advance of the performance. Posters?? Seriously??  Good thing I have Josh to do the artwork!

So, what's animating you these days? I hope there is something you think about first thing in the morning and last thing before you go to bed that gets your juices flowing and occupies your mind happily. These days I split my focus several ways: the new eating initiative is exciting, I'm psyched about the Bacharach show, committed to implementing GTD (getting things done) and constant infrastructure improvements. But...putting  the love life to simmer on the back burner for now- just isn't working out. Thinking I'm not ready to move on quite yet or it would have happened by now. Someone told me it could take years to get over the loss of love. Seriously. Hard.

Reason I bring this up is because of an article I read in the NYT entitled "New Love: A Short Shelf Life". What struck me was less the focus of the article which was an explanation of why "wedded bliss has a limited shelf life" and more the reason why. Seems humans are prone to "hedonic adaption", "a measurable and innate capacity to become habituated or inured to most life changes."  Article goes on to describe how we quickly take positive experiences for granted - familiarity may not breed contempt but it breeds indifference. New love is very susceptible to hedonic adaption as are professional successes, material acquisitions, and more. "..we are biologically hard-wired to crave variety. Variety and novelty affect the brain in much the same way that drugs do - that is, they trigger activity that involves the neurotransmitter dopamine, as do pharmacological highs."

That's why I asked you what animates you these days. It probably didn't take a professor of psychology to tell us we need and crave variety to be happy. It's the reason why you might feel a bit blue this holiday season if what you're doing is what you've done every year for the past thirty - a lot of effort without a lot of novelty. It's why you might feel like a bad person to be unhappy when you have a life to be envied - having to remind yourself daily of how much you have while others in the world go wanting - wondering why you still feel flat. It's why your partner is starting to feel more like a sibling and less of a lover. "The first kiss was magic, the second intimate and the third, routine."

Challenge today could be taking this need for novelty seriously. What can you do that's out of the ordinary? I'm not saying cheat on your spouse, but how about surprising him or her with something out of character and unexpected?  Maybe take a totally different way home from work even if it's a smidge longer. How about scrapping the Christmas cookies and go caroling instead, even if you suspect you have a voice that sounds like fingernails on a chalkboard? Or think bigger - how about moving or going back to college or changing careers? 2013 is going to be a big year for me. Gonna turn everything on its head. Life=too short for a steady diet of predictable routine.

Peace,
Sarah

Straight Talk/Take Risks

Friday - tonight should be fun - all my singing buds at Schaller's tonight which means we'll bring the roof down. Consider coming! Music starts about 8PM. Name of the place is Schaller's Pump - oldest bar in the city of Chicago (the menu hasn't changed since the '50's - when you order dinner they start you off with old fashioned macaroni salad and delicious sliced beets) Prime rib for $16 and drinks are $5 or under. Building is vintage and they still have the speakeasy peephole on the door from years gone by. Clientele are mostly neighborhood folks - lace curtain Irish from Bridgeport or shanty Irish from Canaryville. This is a characterization from an old timer - not my own observation so if I've offended anyone, unintentional!!

Speaking of potentially offending, I launched an e-mail to the gals in charge of the Spring show for the Women's Club. When I joined WCE in the summer, and it was learned I am a singer, I was strongly encouraged to participate in the show. There was fuss made over the fact that I am a seasoned performer. BUT..last week the selected songs and casting was announced and not only did they not select the parody I wrote, they also barely cast me - just a few lines in the entire show. I was surprised but surprisingly OK with it - good that my ego wasn't wrapped around my participation. Uncharacteristically, I adopted a benevolent view of the situation and realized that the decision probably had little to do with me or my talent and more about the show's mandate - what they were seeking to accomplish.

I sat on it for a few days to determine my next move - didn't respond reflexively. Decided it wouldn't be much fun to be a bit player (know thyself) and that I would offer to participate in another way (costumes, ushering, etc). And then I decided to practice powerful communication skills (a la Landmark). My first impulse was to construct a believable excuse to bow out, one that masked my disappointment. We all do that, all the time, right? God forbid we should actually let people know how we're really feeling! They might not like us, become defensive, talk about us behind our backs, misunderstand! These days I am starting to detest veneered people and conversation. It's such a waste of time and also a huge lost opportunity to make meaningful connections. So - straight talk - communicating in an honest way that takes into consideration other peoples' feelings and agendas and leaves room for the possibility that there may be more to the story - creates an opening for dialogue. This is the e-mail I wrote:

Hi Mimi,

I've decided not to be in the show after all. It probably would have been a good idea for me to have actually attended one of the shows as an audience member before jumping in feet first. Only now, after reading through the script, do I have a good sense of what it's all about. It appears that you have mastered a formula for putting on a very silly and fun evening and including everyone who wants to participate. Prior to reading the script, I envisioned my participation very differently which is my problem not yours. I naively thought the drill was submitting a funny song and then performing that song (again, if I had attended a show, that notion would probably have been dispelled). To that end, I wrote a parody of "All of Me" with the thought that I'd probably be the one singing it. The song wasn't chosen to be in the show which was a surprising disappointment and then when I reviewed the casting I see that my participation is very small indeed - just a few lines.  

PLEASE, don't interpret this as a gripe - it's not. I know now you have a formula; there is most assuredly a method to your choices, there may also be matters of seniority in assigning roles, etc. I am not, and would not, ask for you to make any special accommodations for me, a newcomer to the WCE. Having said that, I did need to take my own emotional temperature about my participation, and I realized that it won't be fun for me to participate in such a minor way. OK, you can call me a diva - maybe it comes with the territory!! You know I'm a member of The Chicago Cabaret Professionals and that I perform several nights a week. In addition, I'm working on my own show, A Tribute to Burt Bacharach which will be performed at Davenport's (Wicker Park) this upcoming year.  

I'm just now realizing all I need to do to be ready for that show so being cast in such a minor way in the WCE show is feeling like a blessing to me about now. Makes it easy to choose between more time for my own show versus a small part in the WCE show.

Hopefully you understand. Before I wrote you this note, I thought of some simple excuses I could make that didn't reveal my real reasons for backing out, but of late I'm working on being a straight talker and speaking the truth, even when it's awkward.  It is, I think, a better way to be.  I greatly look forward to seeing the show and if you would like my help altering costumes or something like that I can make some time to pitch in behind the scenes.

And who knows, next year, I might be up for it!!!

Cheers,

Sarah

The response was instant and heartfelt. They were grateful and introspective  - not defensive at all. They explained their position in a way that made sense to me. ("As you recognize now, the show is not intended to be merely a showcase for exceptional talents.") So, yay - no hurt feelings, no resentments. I'm feeling heard and respected and also glad to have made the decision I made. Love the Women's Club!

Challenge today could be giving thought to the idea of "straight talk" - practicing it. Most of us have become societally conditioned to partially communicate in low-risk ways, disguising our feelings, massaging our image. There is, however, a huge opportunity cost in not communicating in a more real way: misunderstanding, estrangement and impasse. What's more, when you take risks with people, the opportunity to deepen and strengthen the relationship presents itself. Next time I run into the gals who are running the show I will give them a big, heartfelt hug.

Peace,
Sarah