Straight Talk/Take Risks

Friday - tonight should be fun - all my singing buds at Schaller's tonight which means we'll bring the roof down. Consider coming! Music starts about 8PM. Name of the place is Schaller's Pump - oldest bar in the city of Chicago (the menu hasn't changed since the '50's - when you order dinner they start you off with old fashioned macaroni salad and delicious sliced beets) Prime rib for $16 and drinks are $5 or under. Building is vintage and they still have the speakeasy peephole on the door from years gone by. Clientele are mostly neighborhood folks - lace curtain Irish from Bridgeport or shanty Irish from Canaryville. This is a characterization from an old timer - not my own observation so if I've offended anyone, unintentional!!

Speaking of potentially offending, I launched an e-mail to the gals in charge of the Spring show for the Women's Club. When I joined WCE in the summer, and it was learned I am a singer, I was strongly encouraged to participate in the show. There was fuss made over the fact that I am a seasoned performer. BUT..last week the selected songs and casting was announced and not only did they not select the parody I wrote, they also barely cast me - just a few lines in the entire show. I was surprised but surprisingly OK with it - good that my ego wasn't wrapped around my participation. Uncharacteristically, I adopted a benevolent view of the situation and realized that the decision probably had little to do with me or my talent and more about the show's mandate - what they were seeking to accomplish.

I sat on it for a few days to determine my next move - didn't respond reflexively. Decided it wouldn't be much fun to be a bit player (know thyself) and that I would offer to participate in another way (costumes, ushering, etc). And then I decided to practice powerful communication skills (a la Landmark). My first impulse was to construct a believable excuse to bow out, one that masked my disappointment. We all do that, all the time, right? God forbid we should actually let people know how we're really feeling! They might not like us, become defensive, talk about us behind our backs, misunderstand! These days I am starting to detest veneered people and conversation. It's such a waste of time and also a huge lost opportunity to make meaningful connections. So - straight talk - communicating in an honest way that takes into consideration other peoples' feelings and agendas and leaves room for the possibility that there may be more to the story - creates an opening for dialogue. This is the e-mail I wrote:

Hi Mimi,

I've decided not to be in the show after all. It probably would have been a good idea for me to have actually attended one of the shows as an audience member before jumping in feet first. Only now, after reading through the script, do I have a good sense of what it's all about. It appears that you have mastered a formula for putting on a very silly and fun evening and including everyone who wants to participate. Prior to reading the script, I envisioned my participation very differently which is my problem not yours. I naively thought the drill was submitting a funny song and then performing that song (again, if I had attended a show, that notion would probably have been dispelled). To that end, I wrote a parody of "All of Me" with the thought that I'd probably be the one singing it. The song wasn't chosen to be in the show which was a surprising disappointment and then when I reviewed the casting I see that my participation is very small indeed - just a few lines.  

PLEASE, don't interpret this as a gripe - it's not. I know now you have a formula; there is most assuredly a method to your choices, there may also be matters of seniority in assigning roles, etc. I am not, and would not, ask for you to make any special accommodations for me, a newcomer to the WCE. Having said that, I did need to take my own emotional temperature about my participation, and I realized that it won't be fun for me to participate in such a minor way. OK, you can call me a diva - maybe it comes with the territory!! You know I'm a member of The Chicago Cabaret Professionals and that I perform several nights a week. In addition, I'm working on my own show, A Tribute to Burt Bacharach which will be performed at Davenport's (Wicker Park) this upcoming year.  

I'm just now realizing all I need to do to be ready for that show so being cast in such a minor way in the WCE show is feeling like a blessing to me about now. Makes it easy to choose between more time for my own show versus a small part in the WCE show.

Hopefully you understand. Before I wrote you this note, I thought of some simple excuses I could make that didn't reveal my real reasons for backing out, but of late I'm working on being a straight talker and speaking the truth, even when it's awkward.  It is, I think, a better way to be.  I greatly look forward to seeing the show and if you would like my help altering costumes or something like that I can make some time to pitch in behind the scenes.

And who knows, next year, I might be up for it!!!

Cheers,

Sarah

The response was instant and heartfelt. They were grateful and introspective  - not defensive at all. They explained their position in a way that made sense to me. ("As you recognize now, the show is not intended to be merely a showcase for exceptional talents.") So, yay - no hurt feelings, no resentments. I'm feeling heard and respected and also glad to have made the decision I made. Love the Women's Club!

Challenge today could be giving thought to the idea of "straight talk" - practicing it. Most of us have become societally conditioned to partially communicate in low-risk ways, disguising our feelings, massaging our image. There is, however, a huge opportunity cost in not communicating in a more real way: misunderstanding, estrangement and impasse. What's more, when you take risks with people, the opportunity to deepen and strengthen the relationship presents itself. Next time I run into the gals who are running the show I will give them a big, heartfelt hug.

Peace,
Sarah