Dodged a Bullet/Guns=Twinkies

Wednesday night.....it's almost midnight...just got in from singing at Maggiano's piano bar in the city (Clark and Grand). I have had too much to drink and I'm beyond sad. This afternoon got word that dear friends' son OD'd yesterday. Chris was the same age as my middle daughter - they were babies and toddlers together and our families close enough that we jokingly conceived an arranged marriage between the two toddlers - Chris would marry Elizabeth upon maturity. It was, of course, a joke. Now he's dead and I'm beyond sad for the family he left behind,. I also am feeling like I barely dodged a bullet. My youngest, like Chris, is living the dangerous drug-filled life. A year ago, she was admitted to the hospital OD'd on cocaine but she survived the incident.  Weeping - there are too many babies dying these days. It's just wrong, wrong, wrong. Something has gone terribly amiss with our society where drugs and violence are systematically picking off our treasured children. Something is very very wrong.  Tonight I write with a broken heart for my friend and his family. When I got the news I knew I had to escape. I got in the car and found solace in drink and singing and the company of merry people. Home safe now, shaking, writing this with tears streaming down my face. I will be fine tomorrow - will find the will to be a source of strength for the other heartbroken people whose lives he touched. But tonight, I give myself permission to fall apart. I know what I've written here is rambly and drunken but I won't correct a word of it tomorrow. I'm so very very sad for my friends...their child is dead...dead...dead. Nothing will bring him back to them. Now the "what if's" will start, the guilt, the second guessing. Everyone one who loved him will recriminate themselves for not doing more.  Take away? I've GOT TO find a way to reach my youngest and be her guide into adulthood. I know I said I couldn't do her living for her but I have to do something.
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(This morning). Every morning I start my day with the same ritual. Before rousing I lie in bed and ask myself a simple question. "What was good about yesterday?" Most every day, I answer myself with things like: ate well, got a shitload done, sang well, had a great conversation with Catherine, just drank Pellegrino when I was out, didn't reach out to Patrick, exercised, etc. This has become an important practice - starting each day acknowledging the good stuff and the accomplishments. In the absence of doing this, my mind has a tendency to dwell on the stuff that didn't go well and the internal harsh critic's voice is the one I hear.

Woke up this morning and asked the question. Hmmm...eating? (nope I came home from the piano bar and scoured the kitchen for something taboo to eat - found some left over vanilla ice cream from Thanksgiving with no top, covered in freezer burn in the back of the freezer and ate it even though it tasted like shit) Drinking? (nope I had two unauthorized martinis yesterday - it was NOT a federal holiday.  Not communicating with Patrick? (nope, in my inebriated state I predictably reached out to him, seeking comfort for how awful I felt over Chris' death, expressed worry for my own kid).  Good it's a new day and that awful one is behind me.

The gun control discussion continues. Yesterday got a very compelling e-mail from friend John. He has been passionate about the topic and this is a letter he wrote last July and sent to the Trib.

In response to Clarence Page and the latest massacre in CO. We are bombarded with the constant drumbeat of Gun Rights. How about People Rights - the right not to be shot, the right to be safe?We have over 9,500 gun murders a year and over 30,000 gun deaths per year. And because we have hundreds of gun laws we essentially have none (Chicago banned handguns so you had to take the CTA to Berwyn to buy your handgun). Britain has one national law: 'no pistols'. Japan has national laws prohibiting most guns. Every advanced country has similar gun restrictions. The result, Britain had 63 gun homicides, Japan 21, Germany 381, Canada, 179. So criminals do not always get guns. From Politfact: The U.S. ranked eighth out of 32 nations studied, with South Africa, Colombia, Thailand, Zimbabwe, Mexico, Belarus and Costa Rica reporting higher (gun murder) rates.Do we aspire to be like So. Africa, Colombia, Thailand, Zimbabwe. People say it is a cultural issue - why is it culturally acceptable to kill a fellow American in 'self defense' - or if you are just mad at him (or her)?Culture can and has changed in many countries. Isn't it time we started to change ours?

Also talked with friend Anna and she, like me, has been on the fence about gun control. We talked through our reasons for previously waffling and we seemed to successfully deflate the arguments for gun ownership. She laughed when I made the argument for change. Stated that, yes, we are a nation founded on rugged individualism (colonists against the British, pioneers against Indians, cowboys, neighborhood vigilantes). Guns have been and continue to be woven into our culture. But....times change. It wasn't that long ago that mothers packed bologna sandwiches on white bread for their kids' lunches and threw in a Hostess Ding Dong or Twinkie for dessert.  Gradually, healthful eating has seeped into our culture and mothers are more apt to send their kiddies with hummus and whole wheat pita and a pear for dessert. We became educated and aware of the ill effects of junk food, took personal accountability and changed. Twinkies became a symbol of an old way of thinking about food and nutrition. And Twinkies had to go by by...

Thinking it's time for a lobby as powerful as the N.R.A - funded by every American who has had enough. Challenge today for me will be Googling around and figuring out if such an organization already exists - thinking it must. Then offering my help and financial support. Your challenge could be doing the same if you're on my side of this issue.

Peace,
Sarah