Writing this ahead - just got in from a musical night at Petterino's - the place was packed and there were singers galore - lots of pros showed up. I sat with the very handsome Larry Dooley who is a great singer. He is one of the people I planned to ask to be one of the "Sarah and friends" for my show. He said yes - now I just have to find a wonderful tune for us to sing together. Today I also checked in with wonderful Kenneth Fobs who is the silkiest of singers, a la Nat King Cole. He is also more than happy to be an "and friend". This show is taking shape! Tonight I sang Skylark, a request from Larry. It was a toss up between that and "I Thought About You." - both Johnny Mercer songs. And really if there is someone I'd cheat on Burt Bacharach with it would be Johnny - I adore anything and everything Mercer. Messed up the lyrics a bit (grrr.....) but I recovered well - that's live entertainment for you!
Text from the youngest today - she is struggling. That kid is taking the long road to adulthood - breaks my heart on many days. Lately she's been working in a vacuum store while all her peers are pursuing their education. Also living with her father in a dreary apartment. It's not much of a life, I fear. And so I wait and wait and wait for her to make a positive move. This is what I know now - wish I knew it back when. You can't do a kid's growing up for them. And you can't be a fire in someone else's belly. This being human thing is damned hard, especially so for the ones who are making the transition from childhood to adulthood. There's absolutely no getting around the fact that it's terrifying. I remember vividly wondering and worrying if I would ever make something of myself. Would I find someone to love? Would I get married and have a family? Would I be happy?She's in a bad place, having repeatedly made unfortunate choices that are now coming home to roost.
Today, client appointment in Elmhurst - I'm tasked with redesigning a client's wide area network, bringing it current to support a lot of new data initiatives. That's what I do...what I'm good at....what I'm paid well for. When I was at the vendor holiday party last week, I saw peers and vendors I hadn't seen in many many years. Even my competitors are dear to me - we've weathered the ups and downs of our industry for years, somehow surviving the tempest. I spent a long time with a competitor/girlfriend who got into the business after me. She is very successful too (she though still works twelve hour days!). We compared focuses, families, health stuff, dieting etc. Told her I was single again and looking. "Sarah, are you insane? You're in telecom - it's ALL men! Look around you!!!" And, true enough there were ten men to every woman. "Problem is, Sharon, I only like really smart men. The men of telecom may be cute and fun, but as a rule, they're not that smart." "Oh, you're right," she said. "Cute but dumb." (Her words not mine, DJ!)
I know, just rambling today, feels like a "just put one foot in front of the other day" - winning being 9/10's just showing up! (can't remember who said that). And maybe that's what the takeaway is for today. Actually had this same discussion with my sister on Sunday. She is having up and down days, struggling with the down days, grateful for the up days. We're both doing the whole "no wheat./no dairy" thing and some days are a struggle and some we breeze through. And these gray days of December are challenging, yes? Some days finding it hard to slog through the monster lists. So what do we do? Landmark would tell us, "Just give up the feeling and thought that 'something is wrong here' ". Strange comfort in that - try it the next time you're sitting with a drink or in front of the TV or lingering in bed - feeling guilty that you should be doing something productive. At that time, try, "There were meant to be days like today - not everything goes according to plan...." If you need respite, just take it, guilt-free. On Sunday, my sister was feeling guilty, having slept in and then spending time talking with me when chores beckoned. I quoted Landmark and she said, "You're right. This is exactly what I should be doing at this very moment. I'm sitting in my beautiful living room with my feet comfortably on an ottoman, looking out upon a forest, talking to my favorite sister about important stuff!" She became completely present in the conversation whereas before her nagging mind was nudging her in another direction.
Challenge could be you practicing the Landmark, "Give up the feeling or thought that something is wrong here." So, today, if, after my meeting (he lives close to my client) I find myself parked outside P's house sitting with sad thoughts I won't castigate myself. If that's where the car takes me, I will simply accept that it's a meditation I still need to be having.
Peace,
Sarah
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