Blind Date/Delusional?

Thursday and time to plan the weekend. If you're a singleton like me, weekends can sneak up on you in a very lonely way! Today, taking Una (klatching neighbor) to my favorite health food restaurant for a birthday lunch. Josh over tonight for dinner and talk. Tomorrow probably piano bar and Saturday, oh dear, no plans for Saturday AGAIN! Will remedy that today. Sunday, Super Bowl party at Saleem's.

Last night's date was pleasant. Jerry met me at the piano bar which was my home turf advantage. We had a good time and he loved the music and the professionalism of the singers of which I was one. Very handsome, that one, but with physical issues from a motorcycle accident when he was 40. Hardest thing for him is that he lost his vision in his left eye and only has about 10% vision in the right. What I like is that it doesn't seem to slow him down (doubt that anyone last night realized he's legally blind) and he doesn't conduct himself like a victim - no pity party. It was a nice time.

Today, the word delusion is on my mind. I'm worried I might be delusional. Getting some feedback that I might be. I also saw an amazing movie on my IPad called, Lars and the Real Girl.  It should have been strange but it was touching and dear. A very damaged and lonely man whose mother died in childbirth, was raised by his heart-broken and emotionally disturbed father and now finds himself longing for connection but unable to bear the touch of another human being. He orders a life size doll (anatomically correct). Names her Bianca. Everyone in the little town he lives in embraces Bianca and plays along that she is really real. Bianca is a blessing. Though inanimate, she heals Lars, cleaves him to the people who love him and who reach out to him with tenderness. When he no longer needs her, he announces her illness (and subsequent death). By then he has made real human connections.

He was delusional - absolutely thought Bianca was real - fussed over her every need and grieved for her when she died. I think Liza and others think I'm delusional when it comes to Patrick. I haven't spoken with him since last May. He has only communicated with me a handful of times since then - most recently a sweet Christmas greeting. He doesn't respond to my communication. I'm not his Facebook friend and he has all but ceased posting anything to his publicly view-able pages so I'm in the dark as to what he is up to these days. These are the facts and I am not delusional about the facts - I can look at them dispassionately and assess the situation exactly as Liza does. The relationship is over....we don't even have a friendship...he doesn't want me in his life in any capacity. He no longer loves me, even a little bit.

So where does the delusion come in? I swear the body doesn't have just one brain. Actually a side bar to this discussion is a fascinating article I read in New Scientist entitled,  Gut Instinct - Alimentary Thinking. Seems our gut has its own information processing capabilities completely separate from the brain!

..the real culprit may not be the brain in your skull but your other brain. Yes that's right, your other brain. Your body contains a separate nervous system that is so complex it has been dubbed the second brain. It comprises an estimated 500 million neurons - about five times as many as in the brain of a rat - and is around 9 meters long, stretching from your esophagus to your anus. It is this brain that could be responsible for your craving under stress for crisps, chocolate and cookies...it can work both independently of, and in conjunction with, the brain in your head and although you are not conscious of your gut "thinking, the ENS (enteric nervous system) helps you sense environmental threats, and then influences your response. "A lot of the information that the gut send to the brain affects well-being, and doesn't even come to consciousness," says Michael Gershon at Columbia -Presbyterian Medical Center, New York.

Do you ever feel like two people? One, rational and measured, capable of assessing a situation accurately and making proper decisions - the other "person" a stranger, acting and reacting to stimuli and events in some kind of primordial way that has no basis in fact? Do you ever find yourself doing or feeling something that is inexplicable and mysterious as to its origin? For me, it really IS like there is this shadow being lurking inside of me who wants no part of facts and figures, who lives on a diet of raw emotion, who mostly stays in the background (shy?), but who is ever vigilant and powerful in her own non-verbal way, always monitoring the pulse of my (her) life, looking out for her own interests, intent on staying alive. And her "brain", it's other....not the active, reasonable, rational brain who runs the day-to-day show. Her brain is content to hum in the background, content to be white noise, but in its own way just as active. It's her brain that asserts itself in quiet moments of contemplation, who counsels to ignore facts and listen instead to her, who says, "Never give up hope". She preaches magic and the stories of children. If I'm open to her, listen to her voice, not shut her down with rationality, does that make me delusional?

I still love the guy...his birthday is in a few weeks. Told him (e-mail) I would, like last year, make him a birthday cake and drop it off. Asked him to take me out for my birthday (May) like he did last year, even though we were broken up by then. I'm torn because the two voices are battling it out. I know the rational thing is to stare at the hard cold facts and surrender to them, but I can't shut up the other voice that tells me to hold onto the feelings of love and never give up hope. It's hard. Friends, please don't tell me I'm being a crazy stalker to give him a birthday cake (it hurts to hear things like that). For God's sake, it's a birthday cake, not a rabbit in a pot. And please don't tell me to just get over him (if it were that simple, I would have by now). Just be there for me with fun and laughter and accept me for the complicated, dualistic person I am.

Wow, I didn't intend to write about this today! Was going to write about an article regarding weight loss friend Carol sent over (tomorrow). Challenge today could be renting that movie, "Lars and the Real Girl". Also think about that word, "delusion". Definition, "a belief held in evidence to the contrary". I'm wondering if sometimes delusions take up residence for a reason - there is some kind of work and healing to be done. Bianca was a delusion that healed. Are all delusions a bad thing?

Peace,
Sarah

Adorable/Transformation Spa

Busy day. Work. Showing one of the apartments (I have two apartments on the ground floor of my house and one is vacant),taking Robin my accountant out for a birthday lunch, then a kinda date tonight - one of those Internet meet-for-a-drink things. Gloomy few days, right with all the rain? Wait, slap me if I EVER complain about winter rain! A few degrees in temperature and winter rain is easily winter snow and I absolutely hate dealing with copious amounts of snow - firing up the snowblower, sweeping the decks, slipping and sliding in the icy alley, all yuck. Having said that, is there anything more beautiful than a sparkly sunny morning right after a snowfall, everything painted white and pristine?

Grumbling and confused about something. It was also a theme in my therapy - something to get my arms around at a time when it's easier to get your arms around me! Weight loss and becoming a small person has a downside especially when you're only 5' 2".  Twice in the last two weeks, separate people have called me adorable. Another person called me "sweet little bunny". Another person told me, now that I've lost so much weight, they realize how short I am. It's something Kaveh and I talked about at length - the need for me to be BIG. God, it's like I'm a little disgruntled kid complaining, "I'm not a baby!"

I've lost 116 pounds - that's a whole person. 116 pounds ago, when I walked into a room, I was NOT to be ignored. I wore my weight with authority, unapologetically. These days I don't command that attention - I'm easy to ignore, sweet, little adorable bunny, me. If I really sit with that feeling of getting too small, I have to think it's why my weight has been stuck where it is.  I still have a bunch to take off but I've been staring at the same spot on the scale for over a year now.  Each time I take a run at further loss, I seem to sabotage myself. Could it be, it scares me to be adorable cuz adorable=little=invisible=powerless? I am still a "woman-hear-me-roar", lioness inside. How do I reconcile that with being precious? Hmmmm......

Subject change....percolating an idea for a new career. Nothing drastic - I'll still work the telecommunications gig like I have been but I have extra time these days with the kids out of the house, and my work not demanding much time. It's the right time to plan a change. Here are a few of the thoughts that are swirling:

• I truly AM living well....finally. There have been huge changes I've undertaken...the weight loss, completion of therapy, learning to cook and eat in the healthiest of ways, blossoming my creativity (the  singing and writing), relinquishing my need to be the master of the universe (the control thing), making a difference in other peoples' lives, falling in love when I thought it would never happen to me, getting fitter, battling clutter and learning how to get things done, taking my place as a wise elder....all wonderful, right?
• What if there were a way to leverage all these gifts and accomplishments into a career - helping other people along the same path?  What would that look like? A life coach? A nutritionist? A therapist? A GTD (Getting Things Done) facilitator? A creativity muse? A Landmark leader? A Weight Watchers leader? A motivational speaker? A columnist?  Seems like there could be a bunch of ways to approach this.
• What skills and credential would I need to credibly sell my services and what would the venue be? Do I need to go back to college and become a therapist (an idea that appeals to me)? Should I do something really nontraditional like have a "spa" in my home where people could come and live for a spell (week or two) - I have the apartment! They would spend intensive time with me, attached at the hip, talking, figuring stuff out, making plans for change, learning to shop and cook, walks on the lakefront, and doing something creative like painting, writing or singing. It would be a way to kick start a new life. I would be the guide.

I'm going to work these ideas and come up with a plan. Your challenge is reaching out to me and letting me know what you REALLY think. Is this pie in the sky? Is there a need for this? Could it become a reality or is Sarah being naive? Thanks in advance for your feedback!

Peace,

Sarah

End of a Love Affair/Scan Your Children!

Tuesday....last night was fun at Petterino's. The Cabaret show had been on hiatus for six weeks so we were all itchy to get back on stage. Table of six: Judy, Bernie, Janet, Curt, Adrienne and me. We sang well! There was also the cast from a new Billie Holiday show in attendance and they regaled with a few numbers from the show. Oh, and the amazing Joan Curto and Suzie Petri - Cabaret veterans also treated us to a tune each. Carla Gordon did a cute song she wrote about Twinkies. The song I sang is one that hits close to home - no problem feeling the lyrics on this one!

So, I walk a little to fast, and I drive a little too fast,

And I'm reckless it's true, but what else can you do at the end of a love affair.

So, I talk a little too much, and I laugh a little too much,

And my voice is too loud when I'm out in a crowd, 

But what else can you do at the end of a love affair?

Do they know, do they care

That it's only, that I'm lonely and low as can be

And the smile on my face isn't really a smile at all?

So, I smoke a little too much, and I drink a little too much

And the tunes I request are not always the best,

But the ones where the trumpets blare.

And I go at a maddening pace, and pretend that it's taking his place,

But what else can you do at the end of a love affair?

Sigh.

So, the list of my favorite things! I got some good feedback on yesterday's post. My sister, for one, said it inspired her to remove an annoyance from her life. She carts her PC notebook around her house and has found herself irritated by having to tote the power cord too and contort herself to plug it in wherever she goes so, she ordered herself an additional power cord. Little things like that make one feel hummy, yes?
More of Sarah's favorite things:

• Fujitsu ScanSnapS1500 Scanner - Robin, my accountant, made me get this when we first started working together. It was kind of a gulp 'cuz it's not inexpensive $450ish. And I'd used scanners before and found them to be an annoyance: too big for my desk, slow, finicky, not two-sided, prone to paper sticking and jamming, not forgiving when the paper was rumpled, and, if what I was trying to scan had different page sizes, (think a whole bunch of store receipts) it couldn't handle that. All these things, my Fujitsu handles with ease. Can't say enough good things about it. Really! Chances are if you spend time with me, I'm going to subject you to a scanning demo. And funny! When I was selling the furniture at the office, one gal came for some of the file cabinets and I convinced her to just go buy a scanner instead! Wouldn't it be wonderful if you had almost no paper in your life? If you could reclaim the space that all your paper files take up now? Get this scanner and you'll find yourself scanning EVERYTHING.  I have my scanner set to instantly open up to My Documents and "ask" where I want to store the image. It's a breeze to give the document a name and put it where it belongs on my desktop. I keep nothing as paper except for things like stock certificates or original birth records. If I could scan my children I probably would have done so by now! 

• Buffalo TeraStation - And should you worry that all your important documents (all those real estate closing documents and IRA statements) now live precariously on your computer which could crash at any moment, stop fretting if you are backing your stuff up properly. Each night my complete hard drive is backed up to my Buffalo - if my computer crashed it would be a snap to rebuild a new one with all my applications and data.  Ah...you say, what if your house burned down or someone stole all your electronics? I've got that covered. Each night, in addition to my data being backed up with the Buffalo, I also back up my critical files (everything in My Documents, Outlook and also my Quickbooks) to a cloud provider. It's not expensive if you're just backing up your data (not the apps) - about $50/year.  I use a provider called I-Drive and each morning I get a report from them letting me know the backup occurred successfully.  

• Intimacy - Here's one for the gals. This is a store on Michigan Ave (in the Bloomingdale's building)  - franchised all over the country for those of you not in Chicago. First heard of this store from one of my clients who made a special point of going when she was in town. You've got to make an appointment and be on time. Kind of fun to go with a girlfriend. All the fitters are good - experts in fitting bras. What's amazing is that most women have no clue what their proper bra size should be. And most of us are guilty of wearing our bras too loosely so they don't provide proper support. Chances are, your correct size is two sizes smaller in girth than you've been wearing with a cup size one size larger than you've been wearing. So if you think you're a 36B, chances are they'll fit you into a 32C, or something like that. The bras are expensive - about $100 each and you'll end up buying peripherals like the mesh bag for laundering and the special detergent.  I could never go back to department store bras.

• Pommery Mustard - I have a love affair with this mustard and I'm not even an avid mustard lover! First tasted this in my '20's at a party where the host put out a roasted turkey and this mustard - oh, and some good bread. That's was it for the entree. I wasn't eating bread so I filled a plate with fresh roasted turkey and a mound of mustard and sat happily just dipping the turkey into the mustard. I've bought this mustard ever since, give it as gifts, use it in creative ways. Everyone I've given a jar to has similarly become addicted. These days I buy three jars at a time on Amazon - it's hard to find locally. Absolutely incredible - like nothing you've ever eaten before and good for you to boot!

Well the list is longer but I'll stop now.  Didn't write about my enormous Calphalon skillet that looks like it was ridden hard and put away wet - it's that well used. Also could have written about the Dean and DeLuca green tea I order ten boxes at a time, or my Holmes humidifier with a Brita filter that I keep at my head at night to keep my sleeping breathing air moist and healthful. And then there's peeled garlic from Whole Foods - not having to peel sticky garlic makes me happy. My coffee maker with a thermal carafe that keeps my coffee at a proper unscorched temperature all morning. Tantra yoga should probably get it's own blog post and then there's my elliptical trainer, Wikofonia for getting song charts and gel nails to name a few of my other favorite things. Oh, and New Scientist magazine, pilot v-ball fine point pens that I buy by the box and, and.......

Challenge today - how about looking critically at your infrastructure. Does it serve you well or is your life full of petty annoyances that, if you did something about, would make life better?

Peace,
Sarah

These Are a Few.../Poltergeists

It's Monday again! Funny how that happens! I was proud of myself on Friday - the "bit by the blues" day. There were two ways to go: fall into disrepair and surrender to sadness and lethargy or what I did which was make the list and work the list even though it felt like I was swimming in molasses. I don't know about you, but, when I'm down, the things I normally breeze through with a song on my lips become painfully hard to accomplish. Mantra that's knocking around in my head these days, "I'm tired of disappointing myself."  And sure enough, with a list of accomplishments under my belt, I felt great going out in the evening and I had a wonderful time, socializing and singing. Mood lifted.

Saturday, the memorial for Mark was in a huge and impressive Catholic Church on Chicago's north side (St. Vincent De Paul). It was a good send off for him, decently attended, heartfelt remarks by friends and family. I could have spoken - there was an opportunity but I didn't because I didn't feel my comments were necessary and, had I sung, I think it would have been show-offy. Didn't go to the restaurant afterwards with his scary mother (I understand now why Mark was estranged from her). Instead I went home and cooked healthy food for the week. Christ came over for dinner and rehearsal (he's in my show). Fun. Last night, sang with Mark Burnell at 12 West Elm. Ironic, because earlier, I sent texts to everyone on my text list telling them NOT to go out - the roads were scary slippery - didn't heed my own warning.

 Oh, and yesterday there were match-making Poltergeists in Patrick's and my phones. A text sent to him in error and then an unintended phone call from him (nothing but rustling). And then, later, when I did the freak out with the freezing rain, sure I would lose someone dear to me in an accident, and I communicated with everyone on my text list to STAY PUT!, I included everyone but him. Wasn't going to text him but then got superstitious. "What if he gets in an accident because I failed to include him in my warning? What if the universe decides to punish me?" So, I cautioned him (knowing he hates it when women are mom-ish), threw some salt over my shoulder after walking to the kitchen without stepping on the seams of the tiles (don't want my mother's back broken) and then knocked on some wood.  Everyone I love is, to my knowledge, still in one piece this morning. (Too much death lately)

Last night, as I slipped my Yaktrax on my feet before braving the icy elements, I thought it might be fun to itemize in this blog some of my favorite things. No raindrops on roses or whiskers on kittens - this is a much more practical list and if I were mercenary I could probably monetize this blog and make a few dollars by recommending these items and linking readers to purchase sites. But no, that's not the purpose of this blog, so rest assured I have no ax to grind in sharing these favorites with you!

• Yaktrax - If you live in the north you really should consider these. There are days like yesterday where even the most sure-footed shoes can't stand up to the icy sidewalks - you risk falling. These little devices fold up pretty small and are easy to slip onto the bottom of your shoes. The metal coils grip the ice and make you incredibly sure-footed - you can run on ice with these on! Only caution is being careful wearing them in the house or a store - they make you less sure-footed on slippery floors. If you get them, opt for the premium ones - you'll want them to last years.

• Vibram Five Fingers Shoes - I've written about these before - how in love I am with them. These are my "go-to" shoes - I wear them almost exclusively in the house and have no problem wearing them to run errands (conversation starters!) Picture is of the ones I have, but they come in a bunch of colors and styles. Until I started wearing these shoes I had foot problems - couldn't stand for long, some arthritis, pain when I walked. Now, gone, gone gone. I have the sturdiest and healthiest of feet thanks to these shoes. And it's not just the feet that benefit. By having your feet working harder and better, it improves everything skeletally - leg and pelvis alignment, etc. One caveat. Don't buy these online. You need to get fitted. And when you try them on you will be exasperated. At first your toes are not cooperative, not used to working independently of each other which is what's required to get the right toe into the right slot. Persist and after a week, you'll find yourself slipping into them as easily as slippers. Over time, you'll notice you actually have a bit of spacing between your toes!

• Amazon Prime - This is the closet thing I'll ever have to having a magical genie. Seriously, it's uncanny!  I wish for something and in in two days it appears on my doorstep! Amazon Prime is a $70ish annual  fee you pay so that most everything you purchase includes free shipping. I exploit it. And because I have the Amazon app on my phone, I am only a few clicks away from solving annoying problems. I'm in the kitchen. "Damn the teapot is leaking. I need to get a new one. Let's see what Amazon has. Good price. That red one is stylin'." Scroll. Place order with one click. Two days later a red teapot on my doorstep. Opening my mail . "Damn this letter opener is for shit - so dull. "I know! Amazon app, 'Letter Openers'. That one looks inexpensive and sharp!" Scroll. Click. Two days letter the letter opener fairies deliver a new letter opener to me!  Point is, it's the little things that make us crazy and can send us all over town or worse just living with leaky teapots and dull letter openers - a never-ending source of irritations. It's my theory that all those little irritations add up and make us irritable people. Amazon to the rescue.

• Jane's Crazy Mixed Up Salt - Have you ever read one of those chef interview articles where the writer asks each chef for a description of their one secret, go-to ingredient? Things like black truffle oil, volcanic sea salt flakes from Cyprus, or preserved lemons, sorghum syrup or raw orange blossom honey? Well my not-so-secret ingredient (cuz I'll tell anyone who asks) is Jane's Crazy Mixed Up Salt. It comes in a little cardboard cylindrical container at the regular grocery store. That and some coarsely ground pepper is often all my cooking needs to be heavenly "scent".  

This is fun. Listing and being grateful for things that add ease, zest and health to my life. Getting long here so maybe tomorrow I'll continue the list. There's a bunch more. Your challenge could be trying some of these things with the thought, "If Sarah loves them then they must be worth looking into!"

Peace and have a wonderful Monday,

Sarah

Eulogy/Bit By The Blues

Friday...determined to have a good day despite the blues. Not sure where they came from but they're here. Really feeling the loss of YKW today, some tears. There is no one who comes close to claiming a spot in my heart the way he did. He just moved in, pitched his tent and voila..soon our hearts were beating as one. I fear I'll never have that again.

But.....if that's the case, I'll be damned if I'm going to just sit around and wait for something that may never materialize again. There is too much else to do, see, experience. And if that was it.....that one brief time...at least I had it. Some people go to their graves having never experienced the thrill of being in love. It's wonderful and terrifying all rolled up into an unforgettable experience.

Times like this I lean on infrastructure to keep me on course. Good habits, good mental practices. After this blog I'll force myself to write the list and work the list event though I'm tempted to just curl up with a book and eschew all responsibility. I'll get dressed, fuss with my appearance so that each time I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror today it will bring an appreciative smile. Before all that, I'll take a moment for my daily "what was good about yesterday" rumination.  Didn't do it this morning cuz I had to jump out of bed and drive Elizabeth to the car mechanic. Then I'll catch up on work and if there's time, light a fire in the music room and work out some songs on the piano. Tonight Adrienne and I at the piano bar at Maggiano's with the   enthusiastic (and overinebriated) followers of Bob Solone. It will be diverting.

Got an email from Mark's mother telling me that she wants me to address my brief remarks and remembrances of Mark at the end of the visitation versus the memorial mass. Not sure what's going on but I can't imagine that there are people lined up to wax poetic about Mark (when I volunteered to talk it was in part because I was worried so few people would show up!) Maybe I got it wrong? Maybe there are a host of people who want to participate in the memorial. Maybe it will be SRO! Maybe Mark was more beloved than I ever dreamed! That would make me happy. Wrote her back and told her I wasn't planning on being there for the visitation - just the mass, so to count me out for speaking altogether.  I just couldn't get my arms around standing near what I assume will be an open coffin and addressing people who are coming in and out and milling around. Just seems weird.

So Mark's eulogy - what I wrote was very short and sweet and I was going to sing that "I'll be Seeing You" song right after reading it. But because it's not going to happen, I'll "read" the eulogy to you:

Hello Everyone,

I’m Sarah Britton and I was Mark’s boss and friend for more than ten years.  I asked to speak today because Mark and I were very much a part of each other’s lives. We talked at least several times a week – sometimes several times a day and our conversations weren't limited to business.

You probably knew when you asked Mark , “How are you?”  you had better settle in for a good long chat because Mark assumed you really meant it – that you wanted to know how he was.  In this way I got to know a lot about Mark and I was usually on the pulse of whatever new thing he was passionate about.

Passionate is a great way to describe Mark.  It’s what I loved best about him.  Once he got on a mission there was absolutely no stopping him.  Whether it was pursuing a sales lead or going to bat for a customer, or something personal like getting a buff body, learning to box, picking up girls or leading a healthier lifestyle – once Mark said he was going to do something, it was a done deal. You could take his word to the bank.

I’ll miss Mark. He was a very good employee.  Most of all he was a loyal and true friend. I wish he had known how much he meant to me (to all of us) at the end. I wish that the last time I spoke with him – several days before his death when I asked him, “How are you?” he had opened up his heart to me and not just put on a brave face.  I wish he had told me how he really was.

I’d like to sing this song for Mark.  Yeah, yeah Mark, as you’re looking down on us, you’re probably thinking, “Oh, God she’s going to sing one of those old-fashioned corny songs that I hate.”  Yup I’m going to sing for you so hold your angelic tongue and listen politely!  If you’re not careful we’ll spread some of your ashes in the suburbs so behave yourself up there!

I’ll miss you Mark.

And that is all for today. Your challenge today, if you're having the winter blues like me, is fall back on your infrastructure. You know what it is you need to do to take care of yourself. Self care at times like this = happiness, I'm convinced. You might be lonely, maybe anxious, depressed around the gills, but if you are taking care of yourself and your environment, it's bound to lift your spirits.

Peace,

Sarah

NADGB

For the love of a Myna Bird/Snookerer of Little Boys

Thursday and up and at 'em! Last night the writing group. Turned out I didn't lead the prompts - forgot I had asked William to do the honors so, fun to just sit back and be one of the writers. Wasn't sure I liked his first prompt - it was highly directive and I tend to prefer something more open ended - just the suggestion of an idea like a picture or a first line. He had us select one picture from two piles: the first a person, the second a setting. Once we'd made our selection he told us, "You have just been confronted by someone showing you the picture of the person you chose - a person in a position of authority is quizzing you about the person. Write about that exchange and also weave into the story the location you selected.  I ended up liking the prompt and what I wrote:

"Red hair, you say?" I stalled for time. "Can you be more specific? Are we talking auburn, strawberry blond, or out-of-a-bottle old lady red?" I knew I was shifting from foot to foot - seeming suspicious - probably didn't fool him one bit. 

"Mam, I showed you her picture - please just answer the question! Have you seen this woman?" the house detective was, I could tell, losing his patience with me. I looked at the picture more closely - feigning concentration when what I really felt was rising panic. How could he NOT see that, except for the glossy helmet of red hair, everything else was ME! The smattering of freckles across my Doris Day pug nose, the Slavic cheekbones, my painfully thin pale lips! She was ME!! 

"What did she do?" I asked nonchalantly. 

"I'm not at liberty to say," the littler Hercule Poirot wannabe responded cryptically. "Let's just say, when we find her, it ain't gonna be pretty!" 

So someone had seen me and snapped a picture - but who? I was so careful! I'd waited until only the night front desk person was left before I ventured from my hiding place - under a skirted banquet table that appeared to be staged for a conference the next day - little boxes of cereals, coffee cups and empty covered domed serving dishes. I wore the red wig just in case a camera caught me in action or someone interrupted. 

First, the lovebirds - easy to open their cage  but not so easy to get them to leave. They were snuggled together and looked annoyed when I whistled them to freedom.  The Myna bird almost blew everything when I removed the cover to his cage, he squawked - must have thought it was morning and feeding time. 

"Shush you!" I whispered. "Go now." He waddled across the lobby, looking back at me with beady eyes like a toddler does his mother when he first finds his stride and realizes there's a world out there waiting to be discovered. Insecure but excited. 

I wasn't sure about the snakes and iguanas but valor got the better part of my discretion and in the end, I decided not to discriminate between God's creatures. They waited not a minute in securing their freedom. Last I saw, a boa was rounding the corner to the first floor guest rooms and the iguana had scuttled up the flecked wallpaper and was peering at me from a crystal sconce. 

My work done, I returned to my room, glad it wasn't on the first floor, hoping  snakes couldn't slither their way up to where I was. This was my life work - the work that chose me when I decided to become a vegan. And really, it was my mother's fault - that book she innocently bought me on my 10th birthday, So, You Love Animals. She'd been in a hurry - last minute Christmas shopping. "This will be nice for Elena!" she must have thought, knowing how much I took to animals. She should have looked inside the book, should have read it herself. Took me a while to be able to pronounce and spell the word "vivisection". Now I'm an activist.

I pride myself in using the twenty minutes of writing time wisely, laying down my story and bringing it to a conclusion within the requisite time. The next prompt William gave us was an empty envelope. You have been called to a will reading - you are unsure why you were included. In this envelope is the letter written by the deceased. Write about the reading. I quickly got into my story but soon knew I was in trouble....no way I would finish which bothered me. And yet...I think it has promise!  Here is what I wrote:

The reason I called you all here will soon be evident. You're confused - understandably so. You don't remember me. None of you remembers me and yet, each of you was important to me. You're excited, yes? The reading of a will? The anticipation? Maybe, today will be the answer to all your money problems - maybe you'll walk out of this room a rich man, a rich woman. Yes, that is  the hope, surely, or you wouldn't be here, right? 

If you've all come, there are seven of you. Look around. Do you recognize any of your fellow travelers  No, of course you don't. You've never met. and yet, through me, you are connected. Today you will be bonded to each other, inextricably, irrevocably. Only through death will these new-found bonds be severed. The six people you see before you - they will become the most important people in your life - more important than your spouses  your children, your parents. You will think of them constantly - worry what they're thinking and doing - worried they might talk. They will, in turn, have the same thoughts about you. 

Let's start with you, Herr Grosse. I've studied you, read the biographies, the newspaper accounts, even interviewed your servants - told them I was writing a book about you. I know more about your life than even you do! Did you know your wife is having an affair with your sister-in-law? You don't remember me do you? Why would you? I was young and fat when we were in school but cute, yes...you must have thought I was cute or you wouldn't  have chosen me to be your twisted playmate. Ladies and gents, see before you Herr Grosse, great industrialist and sodomizer of little boys. It's a habit that never dies, eh Herr Grosse? Now your secret lives with your new friends who will know, when they see photo shoots of you cutting the ribbon at some new boy's home, that you are a monster - a snookerer of little boys. 

Don't look so shocked, Serena! I know you well, know that your mind is whirring with the possibility of blackmail! I know what you're capable of! When you burned the horse farm for the insurance I was in the barn, helping my beloved Sweet Pea give birth to her first foal. I have the burns to prove I was there. I witnessed your crime, saw you walk away from the barn even though the horses were shrieking for help.

....and that is all I got done.

Thanks for reading. No challenge today. Just enjoy the chilly winter day. Make soup and find someone to cuddle with. Like the lovebirds.

Peace,
Sarah

Polish Your Lenses/Weirdo Vegan

Wednesday and I'm beginning to get my crazy stirred a bit - been home alone a lot these days. Tonight I'll lead the bi-monthly writing group I host in the back room at Panera Bread in Evanston. Today, in anticipation of that, I'll develop several writing prompts to challenge the writers. One cute purchase - story cubes which are dice with images on the sides. Tonight, one of the prompts will be each person rolling two di, one of which is an action, and using what's on the face of the dice as inspiration for a story.

Also thinking about a prompt that requires the writer to include something bizarre and absurd that, to the reader, is absolutely improbable but within the narrative, all the characters accept as normal. I'm reading that George Saunders book I ordered after reading an article in the NYT entitled  "George Saunders Has Written The Best Book You'll Read This Year. It's a collection of short stories and I agree he is a very good writer with a new voice. One thing that kind of pisses me off is that, in the story I just read, he uses the = sign exactly as I do! i.e., Lilly=sad or party=disaster! Everyone will think I copied him given that he's the famous writer and I'm just me. Sigh... Anyway, one of the stories was about a Russian immigrant and his family living humbly in a posh neighborhood, trying to keep up with the Jones'. Lawns and lawn ornaments are THE measure of affluence and status. The protagonist comes into some money and the first thing he does is upgrade his yard: plush grasses, fish ponds, statues. He also orders a tasteful arrangement of live human art, four girls tastefully arranged near the fish pond who are held there with a cable that is surgically implanted through their heads - they are strung along like paper dolls - almost identical, long black flowing hair, sheer white dresses, height matched. Lovely to behold especially when the wind kicks up and the dresses billow.

Weird right? Everyone who's anyone in this story has an assortment of foreign girls decorating their property and they feel good about it because the girls have chosen the life, escaping horrors in their home countries (sex slaves, refugees, etc). Not sure what the author is telling us - very very thought provoking. The Russian's youngest daughter is the only one who says, "This is not right!" (think, The Emperor has no clothes!) Under cloak of darkness, she frees the girls (were they really there of their own volition after all?)

Ruminating on this story - the thought that is percolating is, "What is it that I think is right and normal that someone else, with a less conditioned lens, might find appalling?"  I'm already a bit of a rebel, fighting the good fight against the overuse and Pavlovian effects of too much technology. Seeing the food industry for the agenda ridden group it is, is another way I have wiped my lenses clean. Studying and appreciating our unreality is a way I've improved my life - detaching from daily drama in a healthy way, knowing none of it means much.  And yet....there's more I'm sure.

Ugh....I think I know one blind spot   Last night I browsed around NetFlix (I know...the no TV thing..sometimes I indulge with caution). Decided to watch a documentary on vegan-ism . No clue why cuz I DO NOT want to be a crazy vegan. First off, I really enjoy meat. Second, there is already so much I've given up (most grains, dairy, wheat) what else will there be left to eat? I had to turn my IPad off when they showed how animals are "processed". Damn.....I think I'm headed that way (vegan-ism). Thinking it wasn't an accident I read that short story the same day as watching that documentary. Can I repeat.....I DO NOT want to be a weirdo vegan! Wish I could banish the growing thought that maybe slaughtering animals for food is the same as stringing up Laotian girls on a wire cable for lawn ornamentation.

Challenge today. Couple. You could get the George Saunders book (it is, after all the best book you'll read this year!) You could also give some thought to his story and take a stab at looking at the things you do and believe that just might, by someone more evolved or enlightened, be seen as bizarre and misguided. Let's see - what might some of those things be? Riding a motorcycle? Going to church? Using clean water to brush your teeth (picked that one because I read where a supplanted African boy from a drought-ridden country was amazed to see his U.S. hosts brush their teeth with fresh running water - what a waste he thought!), put Aspartame in your coffee, not spank your kids, spank your kids, lay in the sun, live in a city, barbecue.

One thing is certain as you make your list. There are powerful influences at work and, like Uncle Sam, they WANT YOU, they are targeting you. I think it's important to be aware that there are organizations whose primary objective is getting you to do something that will improve their bottom line and perpetuate their existence. Picture this: an obese man (too much high fructoce corn syrup and procesed foods), with a drink in his hand (alcohol lobby), carrying a gun (according to the NRA we're nuts if we're not packing), with cancer (cancer is good for the economy - you should do your part and get it so that you can support all the health workers devoted to caring for it), with his I-Phone beeping incessantly on his belt.

Peace,
Sarah

Alcopops??/Joe Camel In A Bottle

Very chilly Tuesday here in Chicago!  Glad I've got the hatches battened down! Or to be more precise, when the cold weather impends, I get this ropey, claylike caulk stuff that you unroll and press into the crevices of the windows. It works well to keep the drafts at bay and in the spring it's very easy to remove and discard. Thinking today is perfect for a nice fire in the fireplace - trying to muster the fortitude to go out and fill my arms with firewood from the woodpile. I've got two cribs going - each year I order a half cord and let the newest delivery age for a year before using it.

Happy for some inexplicable reason! Can't think of anything that's appreciably different about my life that should bring me contentment and yet, I'm feeling sunny. Gonna work the monster list today, apply a good, honest work ethic to the day, cuddle up with a good book tonight (maybe by the fire) and drink green tea.

Ah.....drinking....that is what I'll talk about today, having just read a very interesting (and alarming) article yesterday in New Scientist. As for me? I'm delighted to say I have a really good, respectful and careful relationship with alcohol these days. The whole "only drink martinis on Federal holidays" started out as a joke, but it's something I've mostly stuck to and what was becoming a dependency is now simply an occasional pleasure. It pleases me no end to have taken on that bad nascent habit by the nose ring and mastered it.  Now, mostly when I go out, my go-to drink is Perrier with a splash of cranberry juice and a wedge of lime. Once in a while, if I have the WW points, I'll have a single glass of red wine - no more than 1-2 a week.  Do you remember in a previous post I talked about the health benefits of red wine? It's wonderful to think that something so indulgent is actually good for you but the question, "How much is good for you?" is something that wasn't identified until recently - researchers crunched the numbers and measured the effects of alcohol to determine the point of crossover where any health benefit was lost by over-consumption.  I think we all expected to be told a glass a day is fine, but no....seems the magic number is 2.5 glasses a week.  More than that, and lifespan is shortened vis-a-vis folks who drink the recommended amount or none at all.

So, the article, The Battle of the Bottle. Interesting. Just like the focus on obesity, expect to see some serious initiatives on worldwide drinking in the not-too-distant future. The World Health Organization is beating the drum, having recently categorized excessive drinking as the third most important contributor to ill health, just behind tobacco and high blood pressure. (Huh? High blood pressure - did you know that is the number one killer in the world? Think we need to know more about that!)  Anyway, booze. The U.S. stats are sobering even though there are eighteen other countries who outdrink us. Even so, the average American drinks the equivalent of 24 litres of vodka per year. That's about a half a liter per week (about two cups). In all fairness, the statistics are skewed by the heaviest drinkers. In fact, in the U.S., the heaviest drinkers consume about 45% of the total alcohol consumed, so maybe the numbers for the 90% look more like a cup of vodka a week. Still that's a lot, right?

What's really concerning is that the alcohol industry is very cleverly appearing to be on board with concern for the health effects of too much alcohol.  Unlike the tobacco companies who made the mistake of denying the deleterious effects of tobacco until internal documents were uncovered that revealed their conspiratorial behavior, the alcohol companies are coming to the table and offering resources to help battle alcoholism.  They would, on the surface, appear to be conducting themselves like good corporate citizens. Truth is anything but. There are three things that health professionals have identified as deterrents to over-drinking:  increasing prices, restricting availability and banning advertisements. The alcohol industry is discounting these findings with phony science aimed to create uncertainty among policy makers. They have a "think tank" in Washington, ICAP (International Center for Alcohol Policies) that is bankrolled by the world's largest alcohol producers. They have been extremely effective in pushing for policies aimed at identifying and providing help to problem drinkers while at the same time downplaying the evidence that price, availability and advertising would reduce drinking overall in a seriously significant way. Thinking they're evil just like the tobacco companies. Most recently, they've been cleverly marketing to underage drinkers ("Joe Camel in a bottle?") and denying it - yet the statistics are irrefutable. Did you know you can buy alcopops? Who do you think the intended audience for those are! If you said, "kids", you're right!

Anyway, good article and it especially hit home for me after this weekend. Without being smug or critical I was concerned that, at the afternoon reception for the boy who died of an overdose, liquor was served. Isn't that ironic? Celebrating the life of a boy who died of an overdose by drinking to his memory? And many of the people I witnessed drinking had absolutely no business with a drink in their hands. It was really really sad and upsetting.

Challenge today is looking critically at your own relationship to alcohol - too many of my friends abuse it.  I worry for you. If a drink is not an occasional pleasure, but something you need, then own that and get your arms around a solution whether it means something simple like designating federal holidays as your fun days or, if the problem is more serious, getting some help. I hope I'm not coming across as self-satisfied. I'm truly grateful for the brain chemistry I have. My flirtation with a drinking problem was born of sadness and too much socializing, not a biochemical propensity. I understand that, for many people, it's really addictive, insidious and potentially life-ruining.

Peace,
Sarah

Rage-ectomy/Fake, Fake, Fake

Monday. Chilly mid-winter day which is as it should be in Chicago in January. Busy day today - client lunch and doctor's appointment in the afternoon so up early to get a good start. The weekend was a mini slice of life. There was anger and hurt, frustration, tremendous sadness, nostalgia, worry, tender moments, lots of laughter, new connections and hope.

Friday evening, ladies' party hosted my friend Carol. Noticed when I RSVP'd that it was her birthday so I insisted on bringing her a cake. Made the mammoth carrot cake I perfected the recipe for, for Patrick's birthday last year. When I checked the address for the party, I noticed on the evite list two people who, for reasons unknown to me, dumped me as a friend years ago. Every now and again I see these people in social settings and they are sweet as sugar, air-kissing, feigning interest and acting, for the duration of the event, as if there is nothing wrong. When I saw their names, anger welled (was having a feisty day) and I decided I wasn't going to do that to myself - subject myself to fake, fake, nice, nice.  So, I brought Carol the cake and announced I wasn't staying, saw the two gals, ducked their embraces and scowled at them - then left. Went into the city to sing at Maggiano's.

The day had started feisty with Kirk (aka Luke). Asked him what he was doing Saturday night and he told me he was going on a date with a gal from the Brazilian embassy. "Seriously, did you just tell me you are going on a date with someone else when just last week you couldn't keep your hands off me?" Told him his ambivalence was insulting. And the thing is, I know he really likes me.....I fit his bill. And yet his whole life he's grazed restlessly at the smorgasbord of womenhood, not settling down for fear of missing out on the next course - not being present with one person at a time (he's never been married for that reason). Told him, if he likes this Brazilian gal to do better by her. Told him he had blown any chance that something between him and me could develop. Done.

And then the memorial service for my friend's child (the overdose). Standing room only. My ex and youngest daughter performed in the church. The reception that followed was bittersweet - old home week, saw people I hadn't laid eyes on in over fifteen years. Lots of hugs and tears and it made me want to try harder to preserve connections. I was introduced to my two nieces, ages 13 and 16 who I hadn't seen since they were 3 and 6. Lovely young ladies who hadn't a clue who I was. "Hi there, I'm your Aunt Sarah." Awkward, right? And then dinner afterwards with business friends from back then - old home week. "What every happened to..." "Do you remember...." Some hard feelings put aside - we are older, wiser and not so omnipotent as we felt back then.

That blast from the past got me to thinking about who I was back then, how I conducted myself in the world and how differently I operate now with some years under my belt, therapy behind me and some needed life comeuppance. People are mostly interested in the fact that I have emerged from five years of serious, intensive therapy - why I did it, what I got out of it. So, interesting to hear my explanations - me trying to give someone a nutshell version of something that isn't easily fitted into a nutshell - a compelling soundbite. And what I heard coming from my mouth impressed even me. "The biggest thing I got from therapy is the loss of rage - a rage-ectomy."

Rage.  It's what I want to talk about today. It's such an unacceptable emotion. So unacceptable that most people who have rage coursing through them can't even identify themselves as full of it. It's on our minds though, right? - especially after the killings in Connecticut. When one of us cracks with rage and goes on a rampage we are repulsed. We behave as if rage is an anomaly. Had you asked me at the onset of therapy if I was a rageful person I would have thought the question bizarre and off the mark. I didn't see myself as operating from an angry place, didn't own my rageful feelings at all. On the occasions rage leaked out I was mortified and confused. "Where is this coming from?"

This is what I think. Rage is all around us and within us. As children we express rage readily but learn, over the course of our adulthood, to suppress it and neaten up our persona - yet the rage is still there, just varnished over. It expresses itself differently. No longer do we fall to the floor, thrash around and cry bitterly when we feel unloved or mistreated. Many of us turn the rage inward, having gotten a societal message that it's NOT OK to express it or hurt others with our angry words or actions. Substance abuse, eating disorders, passive aggressive behaviors, the need to control, promiscuity, sarcasm - it's the rage alive within us, still alive as ever but expressing itself in a way that makes us socially acceptable.

Funny....you're reading this and I'm guessing a good portion of you can't relate. You do not carry rage around...you don't identify with the thought that you might  be a very angry person living in a pacifist's body. That was me. When Kaveh said things like, "I think you were very very angry about that," I didn't get it. Took a long time to own up my fury and even longer to expel it like some huge hair ball.

So, Friday night, I owned my anger - didn't turn it on myself with self-loathing behaviors. Old me would have gone to the party and coped by eating and drinking too much and faking my way through the evening, hoping  those gals would rethink their disdain of me and see me as the wonderful person I am. New me says, "Nah....bitches got me wrong....their loss...I'm leaving here and going to where I'm appreciated and can feel positive about myself."  Felt good to be real.

Challenge - you guessed it. Think back to when you were a kid and how easily you expressed your true emotions and how that changed as you took your place in polite society. Is it possible you're carrying rage around like a ball and chain, calling it something else?

Peace,
Sarah

Lone Wolf/Smacks of Crack

Friday and the weekend is upon us - terrific! Having said "terrific" I have two back-to-back very sad Saturdays ahead of me. Tomorrow, the memorial for my friend's child who died of a drug overdose and next Saturday, visitation and a mass for my employee Mark who killed himself last week. Talked for the first time with his mother yesterday. She asked me to speak at the service which I'm happy to do. Don't think it's going to be all that easy to write a eulogy for Mark. Weird, right? Me of the many words? It's just that he was hard to love and the room will be filled with people wanting to pay their respects but who never really connected with him in a deep way. They will have their bullshit radar tuned for false accolades. If someone gets up there and waxes poetically about how Mark was loved by everyone he knew, that his passing will leave a big void for everyone who knew him. If they talk abut how sweet and generous he was, how he put people at ease, how he lived his life with generosity and acceptance, I won't be the only one in the room puking inside. None of that was Mark - he was a porcupine - hard to be close to. I believe he never experienced love in any form, either giving or receiving. So, the challenge will be to write something authentic that won't smack of crack. Tall order.

I've got wolves on the mind. Maybe because Mark was, to my mind, a lone wolf in search of a pack. Also, article Carol sent me entitled, In the Shadow of Wolves and Man written by David Gonzalez about photographer Christian Houge whose life work is photographing wolves up close and personal. And in keeping with the wolf theme, I keep coming back to a very insightful article Michael Moore wrote after the Sandy Hook killings - Celebrating the Prince of Peace in the Land of Guns. In it, Moore tries to get to the root of our society's ills, to make sense of the shooting, and talks about our country's lone wolf mentality.

Christian Houge had to learn the language of wolves and face his fears. He learned how to behave around wolves, allowing dominant members of a pack to actually greet him by putting their tongues in his mouth (a way of showing they're in charge). Love this quote:

The wolf pack that has longevity is a family," he said. "it is a pair, not one male, but a male and a female  If they are secure enough in themselves, they let the weak individual lead the pack. If one has a fantastic nose, even if it is weaker, they'll let it run first to lead the pack to the kill. These weaker individuals feel  a part of something larger - it's 'We need you for the pack to be stronger.' That's a perfect example of how business should be led - including people, not excluding...

And in the Michael Moore article, he identifies the "Me"society as being who we have become as a nation.

I think it's the every-man-for-himself ethos of this country that has put us in this mess and I believe it's been our undoing. Pull yourself up by your bootstraps! You're not my problem! This is mine! 

Clearly, we are no longer our brother's and sister's keeper. You get sick and can't afford the operation? Not my problem. The bank has foreclosed on your home? Not my problem. Can't afford to go to college? Not my problem. 

And yet, it all sooner or later becomes our problem, doesn't it? Take away too many safety nets and everyone starts to feel the impact. Do you want to live in that kind of society, one where you will then have a legitimate reason to be in fear? I don't. 

I'm not saying it's perfect anywhere else, but I have noticed, in my travels, that other civilized countries see a national benefit to taking care of each other. Free medical care, free or low-cost college, mental health help. And I wonder - why can't we do that? I think it's because in many other countries people see each other not as separate and alone but rather together, on the path of life, with each person existing as an integral part of the whole. And you help them when they're in need, not punish them because they've had some misfortune or bad break. I have to believe one of the reasons gun murders in other countries are so rare is because there's less of the lone wolf mentality among their citizens. Most are raised with a sense of connection, if not outright solidarity. And that makes it harder to kill one another.

And then I'm reminded of the article I reference before, The Freedom of an Armed Society. To quote the author, Firm In Debrabander, "Our gun culture promotes a fatal slide into extreme individualism. It fosters a society of atomistic individuals, isolated before power - and one another - and in the aftermath of shootings such as at Newtown, paralyzed with fear. That is not freedom but quite its opposite.

Fact is too many of us ARE becoming lone wolves in search of a pack. Even me. I spend each day alone in my chic home office with little face time with other human beings. I write this blog in an effort to feel connected while the reality is, I have no idea if there are connections being made - I am "speaking" alone and into a black hole called Internet. And maybe you DO feel the spark of connectedness to me -  maybe once in a while my writing touches you. So there we are, maybe sharing a bit of connection but on the opposite sides of a bits and bytes cloud, feeling like something is missing.  Something IS missing.

Thinking much of this is an unintended consequence of the Information Age. So much information but so few connections between people. Love my weekly coffee klatching with my neighbor Una - she actually sits across from me in a REAL chat room! Challenge today could be doing a self-assessment.  How strong are your in-the-flesh connections these days?

Peace,
Sarah

James=Genius!/Woodcarving for You?

Still battling the cold that I and everyone else seems to have or had. Went to a Chicago Cabaret Professionals "meet and greet" last night. Kind of fun. They do it a few times a year so members can get face time with each other, see what folks are working on, talk about the year's agenda, etc. I shouldn't have sung cuz what's coming out of my mouth these days is not healthy!  The vocal chords have seized and I risk damaging them with my impatience to perform. I hope I never suffer what befell Julie Andrews when she lost her voice completely due to botched surgery.  I can live without a lot: carbs, wheat, dairy, sugar, wealth, prestige, romance but singing? I don't think I could live without a song on my lips.

Did you read the blog several days ago that included my creative writing from last Wednesday's prompt group - entitled Sally and Dee-Dee? I think I did well, incorporating all five of the first lines given into a cohesive and compelling (albeit dark) piece that I conceived and wrote in only twenty minutes.  I'm pretty darn good at that - writing those little vignettes!  So, if you agree and found my writing good you will be all the more amazed with what James created from that very same prompt in the same amount of time. Almost puts my effort to shame! He is frigging amazing - there is genius there!  The following piece is absolutely brilliant, birthed by him with seeming effortlessness, complete and perfect right from his fingers to the keyboard with no editing or massaging.  And it even rhymes!!!!  Here goes:

The hooting of an owl is what awakened me from a sound sleep. 
Not the bark of a dog or the bray of a sheep 
Nor the moan of the wind or a cricket's soft cheep 
Just the hoot of an owl brought me up from the deep. 

It was dark outside and there were not stars to be seen 
Only satiny shadows and the moon's silver beams 
And the rustle of branches in the soft summer breeze 
And the bark of the alders with their silvery sheen 

The small meadow surrounded by trees was my home 
I'd no need to wander and no need to roam 
The deer were my playmates, the gophers and voles 
And we capered and danced on the soft earthy loam 

But the hoot of an owl had awoke me this night 
A sound filled with warning, a voice filled with fright 
Something was coming, something's not right 
Something that kept itself hidden from sight 

The forest grew silent, the breeze soft and still 
The moon sank down westward and touched the low hill 
I slunk to the trees where ran a small rill 
And hunkered and waited my blood running chill 

From out of the blackness revealed at last 
Black form against moonlight a thing from the past 
My heart leapt and hammered, the sight held me fast 
as the thing raised its muzzle and called out a great blast 

Ten hands stood the thing, with fur all in tangles 
With chitinous claws that could rend and could mangle 
and glimmering scales that jingled and jangled 
from slavering jaws long ropes of drool dangled 

On all fours it crept though it rose up on two 
It's wide glowing eyes were a brilliant sky blue 
From its back sprouted wings I watched as they grew 
It bellowed once more, its wings flapped, and it flew. 

I no longer stay in the meadow at dark 
I hide in the trees with the wrens and the larks 
and I lurk in the needles and cling to the bark 
and become one with the shadows, one with the dark 

I am ever watchful now when it's night 
I know not where the thing flew, I know not how high 
I only know now with the breezes soft sigh 
To keep one eye always on the deep starless sky.

Just imagine what he could do if he had forty minutes!!!!  Gotta run cuz monster list beckons and I've got my IT person coming today to fix my wireless network, klatching with neighbor Una this afternoon and if I'm up to it the first night in a new Landmark seminar series. So busy!!!

Challenge today - harping, harping I know. What is your creative outlet?  I know, you're busy too, there aren't enough hours in your day. And yet, if you're not expressing yourself creatively I have to think you aren't all that happy. There's something, surely.  Creative cooking, dusting off an instrument, woodworking, knitting, dancing, writing, home improvements.....something.

Peace,
Sarah

Obesity Internment Camps/Myopic=Misery

Writing this early - it's late Tuesday night. Weird enervating day but time with Martin tonight was just what the doctor ordered....peace with him. He asked me, "Are you happy?" Thought for a good long time, then answered, "It depends on how close I am to the canvas." What I meant was, if I'm right up close and looking at each day and relationship (or lack thereof) with a magnifying glass I would have to say I'm often dissatisfied - unhappy. If, though, I take a bunch of steps back and re-look at the picture with perspective, what I see is lovely. Moral of that story? Myopic=missing the big picture=misery.

With Mark's death, I just got a whole lot busier - client meeting tomorrow morning at ten which is why I'm writing this early. Looks like that monster list just grew teeth!!

Given that it's January and fitness and weight loss is on everyone's mind, let's continue that discussion. Predictably, the room was packed at my WW meeting on Saturday - standing room only. By next month, the room will have thinned to half that number of folks - those New Year's resolutions having fallen by the wayside and people falling back into their old habits. I was down 3.8 pounds which was a mini miracle. What's more the knees are feeling almost great these days - the inflammation gone - could it be from giving up the wheat? At WW I'm a poster child despite the weight I still have to lose. My before and after pictures and story are featured on their bulletin board as an inspiration to other members. The attention is nice especially for an attention hog like myself, but the downside is, I feel such a responsibility to lead by example and my progress (or lack of) is watched closely by everyone in attendance. Each week the leader singles me out. "And everyone, this is Sarah. Sarah how much weight have you lost and how did you do this week?"  Some weeks - ugh to have to admit to a number that's going the wrong way!

Worried though. There's a storm a-brewing in this country - a witch-hunt assembling. Think of the war waged on smokers and how they've been relegated to little huddled groups that gather 51' feet from a building's entrance. And don't get me wrong - I hate smoking and second-hand smoke - so nice to eat in a restaurant without someone lighting up next to you or singing in a bar without being choked out by cigarette haze. So, do I feel sad for smokers who now have to partake of their habit in the elements, far away from their healthier brethren? Not really. The reason for the analogy is to illustrate how we as a society can turn on each other with righteousness and callous disdain. Smokers have been relegated to aberrant second class citizens in modern society. Pariahs.

The storm that's brewing is a similar approach to obesity. Look to other countries to see what trends are incubating. I remember reading, well before the credit crunch hit the U.S., that in the years to come, there would be a credit clamp-down in our country. This was at a time when credit was flowing like water.  It worried me but I put it out of my mind - figured it was a scare tactic. It wasn't. So now, when I hear what other countries are doing and considering about obesity, I take it very seriously - you should too. Just Google "What other countries are doing about obesity" and you'll read stuff like this.

Obesity has become a worldwide epidemic. In Japan, they are measuring the waistlines of people 40 and older. Those considered too fat are ordered to undergo diet counseling. Failure to slim down results in fines. New Zealand has rules barring people who are too fat from immigrating to their country. In Great Britain, where 50% of the population is overweight, residents in some cities are being recruited to wear an electronic tracking device to calculate how much they move each day and how many calories they burn. Those that exercise daily are rewarded with store coupons and days off from work.
What do you think? Is the U.S. doing enough to fight obesity?

And remember Eugene, the fellow of Chinese descent I had dinner with who is obsessed with weight and is trying to crack the nut on why people get fat and what they can and should do to shed the pounds? He is, as you remember, not large on tact. At first our correspondence was academic and properly polite but soon passions were aroused (see blog entitled "Fat Obese Monster/Enlarge Your Aesthetic" to read his diatribe on obese people). After that, the correspondence escalated further with me deciding subtlety is totally lost on Eugene. Gloves off. Here is an excerpt from something I wrote to him:

• ·         I deliberately chose not to focus on the health detriments of obesity because there is no disagreement between us.  It’s clear that humans are on a bad track healthwise.  Of course I agree with everything you’re concerned about and I do think it’s an issue that needs our best thinkers figuring out what is causing this decline in our civilization. I suspect that the answers are complex, interwoven and the solutions might not be obvious or easy.  
• ·         The difference between how we think is that you seem to be only about individual responsibility – the whole pull yourself up by your bootstraps.  Makes sense because that’s your  go to” place – it’s your personality to just take the bull by the horns and wrestle a problem to the ground.  I suspect that, when faced with adversity, you instantly move to action.  Not everyone is like you. It’s just as common for people to become confused and enervated and flounder.
• ·         I like your initial “everyone’s problems are my problems” statement.  Take that further. There is something very wrong with modern civilization that is having a horribly detrimental effect on human’s health. I think there are lots of factors at play – you and I have discussed a bunch of them. There are sinister companies whose primary objective are pumping more calories into people (picture people sitting around a boardroom table and trying to figure out how to get people to ingest more corn) Our government is complicit because they’re the ones who have created the huge biomass of huge corn through subsidies (this is taken from Michael Pollen’s book)  The work that we do – hours spent at the computer.  The way we live that requires vehicular travel.  The way we entertain ourselves.  Technology means we spend more time glued to screens. We don’t even have to go to the bank anymore!  Lately I date on line – half the time I don’t even meet the interesting people I meet – we just connect virtually.  Point is – it’s all adding up to an environment and culture that is toxic to humans.
• ·         You and I are people of unusual will.  Rather than expect everyone else to be like us, we should be aware that we’re different and rare.  We are the absolute wrong people to trying to forge any kind of public policy because it’s too tempting to just tell people to do what we did. Let me tell you how difficult it’s been to lose this weight.  Each and every day I feel like a salmon swimming upstream. Another analogy would be walking through a minefield.  I am constantly bucking current culture.  It’s not a friendly world out there to people who are trying to live differently.  People think I’m odd not to have a television.  My friends cringe when I ask them to eat with me at Blind Faith restaurant – they press me for the burger joint where there is nothing I can eat.  When I sing weekly at Petterino’s I have to endure my friends ordering pastas, big cuts of meat with mounds of potatoes, an overflowing bread basket, goblets of wine, and the desserts, oh my……the desserts.  And now that I’ve given up wheat and dairy it’s like I’m a Martian.   It’s so damn hard and it’s not just one meal or day I have to manage but I have to live in this uncomfortable world that puts daily obstacles in my way each and every day, many times a day.  Maybe I’m the super hero to hold fast in the face of the onslaught of unhealthy choices!!!   I get why most people buckle over time.
• ·         Why should it be this hard to make healthy choices?  Why should we live in a culture where the deck is stacked against us?  That’s the question we need to answer.  Why does our environment not support healthy habits?  Animals in the wild live in a healthy way because their environment leads them to it, not because they have to have an iron will.  It’s not a choice to be healthy or unhealthy.  My guess is that it’s a natural thing to choose pleasure over health.  Do you think a bear would brave the rapids to snag fish if there were an easy, lazy supply of berries and honey right outside their den?
• ·         For you weight is a hot topic and it’s not just because it’s a public health crisis. More is going on there.  You are repulsed and disgusted by fat people. That is different than being concerned about their health.  Own that .   The science is on your side – the arguments you make for action are valid but your motivation is tainted by your prejudice and aesthetic.  Your observations are harsh and unloving and you lack empathy for what is, for many, a very difficult struggle.  I suspect empathy is something of which you are in very short supply. 
• ·         There are brilliant and amazing people in the world for whom weight is an Achilles heel, just like alcohol is for others.  Does Eugene have an Achilles heel? An area of your life where your cylinders aren’t firing? Don’t know you well but perhaps you are a ninny when it comes to financial planning and money management.  Or maybe you have a porn addiction. I’m being funny but even Superman had a weakness (Kryptonite).  Doesn’t mean he wasn’t awesome – it was just his blind spot.  So unless you are perfect, don’t you dare pick on fat people as being somehow less valuable members of society than thin people.  Yes there are social costs to obesity but there are also social costs to many other diseases that are found in the population at large and that are also lifestyle based (smoking, alcohol and drug addiction, eating disorders, poor eating in general, etc).
• ·         Eugene that is why I say you are the wrong man for the job.  You hate fat people…..to you they are an eyesore. You think they lack character.  Societal parasites.  There is another solution. It worked during WWII.  You could help to enact an emergency measure where all fat people are rounded up and put in internment camps.  Richard Simmons could be the camp director and the twofold benefit is that they would no longer be an unsightly blight in the world AND they could thin down in the internment camps, only allowed to leave once their waists were smaller than 34”.  I think wrist tattoos with the original waistline size would be a good idea – why not throw a little shame in there????  

Hugs,

Sarah

(if you can get your arms around me!)

All for today.  We'll talk more about this.  Your challenge today could be crystallizing your own thoughts on this issue. I believe that, in the not too distant future, we will witness public policy aimed at the overweight among us. We, as a nation, are capable of tremendous stupidity when it comes to personal issues like this (think of the most recent campaign and some of the statements and ideas that were floated by some misogynistic Republican men who wanted government in women's panties!) Let's decide now what our bottom line is. 

Peace,

Sarah