Do we live for weekends? "How was your weekend?" It's a standard question right? We go into the weekend with high expectations, sometimes anxious expectations and we come out the other end with stories to tell. When was the last time someone asked you, "How was your Wednesday?"
There was living done this weekend. Some good, some ugh. Friday, didn't go to Schaller's to sing because no one wanted to accompany me and I didn't want to go alone. I worked late, then to the bookstore to get some good reads, and then home with my books. Worked on some songs in anticipation of my voice lesson the next day. I was gratified to notice the time at about 11:30PM and realize that I had handled the alone evening well and productively. I didn't drown myself in my cups (that's an English expression!), ate a healthy dinner at Whole Foods and overall felt pretty darn intact by the end of the night. Saturday was a full day. Brother in town for a tennis match. Before leaving town, he came over with his wife and daughter. At the same time, we were doing a changing of the guard with Joey. Catherine combined a trip to see them with taking Joey - I am now dog-less.
Then an unexpected delightful call from my friend Josh who proposed dinner - I proposed I cook. Next, my house was filled with people and I had whipped together a picture perfect lasagna, homemade garlic bread, salad, appetizers, and homemade ice cream that should be classified as a controlled substance (salted caramel). Josh, Mario and Mark (my downstairs tenants), Madeleine, Shay (M.'s old boyfriend and handyman who was doing work for me), Liza and James all contributed to wonderful grown up chaos. Big personalities - tons of fun and laughter and of course the food was over the top! Then Sunday, I had some serious carrot cake research to do. Birthday for a friend coming up and his favorite is carrot cake. I do not make carrot cake - until now. And anyone who knows how competitive I can be, knows that it won't suffice for the cake to be good - it needs to be great. It needs to be the best carrot cake he's ever eaten. It needs to be the carrot cake that is talked about in reverent whispers. It needs to be crack carrot cake. So far, I've made two of them - one seasoned traditionally with cinnamon, freshly grated nutmeg and cloves - the other with cinnamon, black pepper and cardamom. By week's end, I will have tried several more recipes in search of the perfect one. I will probably end up cross referencing recipes and coming up with my own creation, plucking ideas and techniques from various recipes.
Today, friend and I talked about the place we find ourselves and despite the huge difference in our ages, we share a lot in common. Relationship-wise, we are race horses at the gate, wanting and anticipating our next great love. We are out there looking, pushing, prospecting, scoping. Then, when an opportunity knocks, we shoot ourselves in the foot - something stops us cold. Today we realized we aren't ready - our job is to sit tight and let the healing take as much time as it needs to. But, man, it's so uncomfortable - this sitting in the cracks of life. I assured him there is a next great love for him, that she is out there doing her own work, engaged in her own search, learning about herself and readying herself for him. There is no hurry to meet her - she will present herself to him when the time is right. In the meantime, he should relax and enjoy the excitement of living in the cracks, because even though it's an uncomfortable place to be, it is also exciting in its uncertainty. Kind of like reading a good thriller and not knowing how it's going to end.
And we both agreed that healing from love lost is not that much different than healing from a broken bone - it is going to take as long as it takes and there is no circumventing the healing time. We also talked about how it's really important to really honor your feelings - even the difficult ones. If you're sad, cry. If you're angry, vent, etc. But, be porous - let the emotions in, experience them but then let them go - let them pass through. It was during this discussion that I coined the concept, "be a partner to your healing." I like the thought that there is healing that is occurring that has its own timeline. I like the thought that we need to relax and trust that the healing will occur and welcome all the feelings that visit us. But I also like the idea that we can get out of the way of the healing - do things (or not do things) that will help or, at a minimum, not thwart the healing process.
I'm trying to practice this concept. A few weeks ago, I cut the final ties to him with one exception. Sunday is his birthday. His favorite cake - carrot of course. My final act of love - a cake delivered to him. And then I need to get out of the way of the healing and let that be it - be serious that it be a final loving gesture. If things go according to plan I will be able to get through the next milestone - 4/15/12, the anniversary of the day we met with just a twinge. That's the goal.
The challenge today is to think of the Sarah-ism, "be a partner to your healing." Is there a wound festering in your heart? Are you keeping it alive? Feeding it oxygen? If you are ready to give up the sadness (and that is a big "if" because sadness can be addictive), then think about what you can do to be a partner to your healing. It might mean no contact with someone, it might mean saying good-bye to someone who is no longer good for you, maybe you are clinging to a behavior or habit that stands between you and health, or it could be something as simple as realizing you just aren't angry any more and trying on some new thoughts and checking yourself out in the mirror.
Peace,
Sarah
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