Another day, more life to live, more challenges, maybe some joy, maybe some sorrow. Well yes, sorrow already and it's not yet noon. The date with Dr. Laugh was fine, relaxed, he's nice. So why did I cry afterwards? Mark and Mario came up for Farkel after he left and it was fun, but I was not immersed, not living in the moment - just going through the motions of fun. I miss "him".
I know I think too much - I envy people who don't over-think life. I am so determined to crack this nut, to be happy and at peace. I read book after book on happiness, will, alternative ways of thinking and being, inspirational fiction. I try new things and when they don't work, I try something else. Always moving , pushing, striving, determined to get to the other side of this morass. Always floundering and coming up short.
Today a list with four columns: #1 - the things that make me happy, #2 - the things that bring me anxiety and distress, #3 - the things that seem to make me happy but really bring me anxiety and distress, #4 the things that cause me immediate anxiety and distress but that really make me happy long term. It's time to take stock again and make the list. I feel like a detective going back over clues and evidence, over and over again, knowing there is an answer - right in front of me, if I keep at it.
The things that make me happy are easy to identify: positive connections with friend and family, good books, delicious meals, entertaining, singing, writing, beauty, culture, plants, cats. And the things that bring me anxiety and distress, easy too: financial issues, lack of business, gaining weight, relationship discord, winter and more. It's the other two columns that are tricky - the things we do that bring immediate gratification but that make us long term unhappy or restless, or the things we hate doing that bring us long term rewards and ultimate happiness. Those are the columns to focus on and to manage oneself to, I think.
In the column of things that make me destructively happy are things like drinking, lazing around, eating carbs, gossiping, goofing off, pursuing romantic liaisons. The column for activities that I hate doing but that bring rewards are exercise, discipline, cleanliness, forbearance, emotional self regulation, dieting, staying present in relationships even when they are unrewarding.
When I broke my activities down into these four columns, there was much that is predictable but a few surprises. No surprise that being on a healthy food plan and exercising will bring me tremendous rewards. But surprising that I put the dog in column #2 - things that are bringing me distress and anxiety. I love him but I hate him too. And I hate so much about being a dog owner: the dog hair everywhere, the destruction in the car (he's eaten two rear view mirrors, chewed custom floor mats, etc), his anxiousness (I'm anxious too so together we are anxious raised to the second power), the backyard sewer, chewed shoes and more. This morning a call to Catherine - she is going to take him and at a minimum foster him with the thought that she might even keep him. My life just got a lot cleaner and less anxious.
Dieting, exercising, not drinking. These are all really doable things. If they bring me happiness then WTF, why am I not ALL about embracing them. If dating makes me sad, then fuck it - it's OK that I'm not ready yet. I guess where I'm going with this, is that this life management is really not rocket science. If we sit down and make an honest list, a really honest list and examine everything and put it in its proper column, the next step is to trust the list, visit it daily, work it, honor it. Then when life gets confusing and chaotic and we are presented with choices we should be able to summon the list and our choices should be predetermined, even if we are feeling at sea.
The list is a compass. You're out with friends, having seen a movie. They want to go for a nightcap but on your list of things you need for happiness is a requisite amount of sleep. The decision is already made for you and you tell them to go on ahead without you and you go home to bed. You're at a restaurant and the bread basket is passed. On your list is "no wheat after breakfast". Decision already made in advance and you take a pass on the bread. Your alarm goes off at 5AM. On your list is an hour of exercise from 5-6AM - decision already made - you just need to honor it. And it's not all about saying no. On your list is "weekly lunch with a dear friend" so on Monday you set it up and each week you honor that need and fulfill the mandate.
Lists are powerful when they are crafted with wisdom and honesty. The challenge today could be to make your own list with four columns. Put as much on it as you can. Vow to fill your life with more of the things that bring you joy and happiness, eschew the things that make you distressed and anxious and apply effort and discipline to the tricky things - the items that are not what they seem - the distressing exercise that brings you health, the happy cocktail that brings disease. Decide now, ahead of time, how you will handle the tricky things when they present themselves.
Peace,
Sarah
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