What is That Creaking Noise?/Blousy Flowers

Whenever I wonder what I'm going to write, ideas come to me from lots of places:  stuff that's going on with friends and family, my own experiences, news articles, conversations, books.   I was going to write about something else today, but an idea plopped itself into my lap and as soon as it did, it grew before my eyes.

I had a good chuckle at my own expense last night.  Whenever I think I am unique and above the foibles of a woman my age, I get taken down a peg or two.  So the 31 year old - red flags.  Tell me what you would think in my place.  The first obvious question is what a guy 24 years my junior would want with me.  Second red flag - his phone calls that come through as "restricted"   He says that's because it's an international cell phone, but really wouldn't it say "unknown"?   I believe "restricted" is reserved for when a caller blocks their own number.  Then the credit card that didn't work and he just had one.  Explanation - it was set to expire   2/1 (but it was 1/29!).  He wasn't aware of a major Caterpillar Chinese acquisition that my friend Carol told me about.  Weird - he is supposedly on the Chinese acquistion team for Caterpillar.  Most recently no e-mails from him and he has changed his profile, removed his pictures, removed all but the sparsest information and set his age as 72! WTF???

Conclusion - he is not what he seems.  What do I know about this man? (boy)  Nothing really, only what he told me. Further conclusion - I am a silly vain woman to think that a very handsome 31 year old successful international businessman would be interested in me.  Really what was I thinking? And so I had a good laugh last night as I took my bath and realized that I was ridiculous and he is probably a scam artist looking to fleece self deluded women of a certain age.

And it's not just me.  Ed, the sex therapist date, admitted to still being in love with his last relationship - a 28 year old woman.   Apparently, according to him, she came to her senses and decided she did not want to be with a 58 year old man - duh.   I have an older friend who has been looking for a relationship.  She is in her early '70's and has insisted on a younger man in his '60's because she doesn't want to take care of an "old guy".   She has just started seeing someone her own age which seems to be a regret.  Patrick is looking for a woman 10-15 years his junior to have babies with.  Another friend in his sixties lusts after young girls in their twenties and believes they lust after him too.  I long for Patrick who is ten years my junior.

When I had dinner with Ed the other night we both creaked from stiff joints when we got up from the dinner table, having sat for the better part of an hour.  I joked that human knees seem to be a design flaw (the human race needs some good Darwinian mutation action to spare future generations from bad knees).  I think it was depressing for us to be with someone our own age with the same level of decay and infirmity.   He longed for his 28 year old ingenue and I craved the kisses of a 31 year old, fresh-faced youth.

So what gives?  What is this longing about?   For many of us, when we're with someone our own age, it's as if we're repulsed by our own image reflected back at us.  Isn't there a hautiness about it all?   Somehow we are exempt from the ravages of age and we are younger than our years imply. Fine and dandy for others to couple up with people their own age.  They look their age - they act their age - they deserve each other.   But for us, we're special, younger, not really our age and therefore we should be with someone younger. And when someone younger finds us attractive, it affirms our conviction that we're not decaying, not growing old.  So we reach back through the decades, take the young lover, buy the silly car, get the hair extensions- we try and hold onto youth, thinking we are fooling time, cheating decay.  It's absurd behavior and it's everywhere.

This morning I thought about decay and took stock of the decay in my life - the arthritic knees, the unsupple skin, the teeth that require constant tuckpointing, the thinning hair.  And I thought too about the decay of the house, barely staying ahead of the constant repairs that are needed.  Then I got more specific and rolled up my sleeves and deep cleaned the refrigerator at 6AM this morning.   It was overdue and sure enough decay in the vegetable bin.  I didn't run from the rot.

For me, the challenge today is thinking of aging with grace and accepting natural decay.  I say I like flowers when they are in full bloom, even a little blousy and past their prime but then I find myself animatedly in the arms of a smooth faced youth and later un-animated by a man my own age with creaky knees that match my own.  Maybe you are experiencing a similar revulsion to all things aged, including yourself.  Do you find yourself longing for the vitality of youth and thinking you can get a piece of it, cheat mother nature?  If you're a guy, do you think you "deserve" a younger woman. If you're an older woman are you pissed that all the guys your own age can't keep up with you, have prostate issues and seem headed for the home?   What to do? What to do?  Age and decay, it's all around us.  Deluding ourselves that we should be exempt just isn't going to work!  And when you are a middle aged, frumpy woman and a young stud tells you, you're hot, you should probably think "scam!!"

Peace,
Sarah