Kaveh today. So much to tell him now that we only have been speaking every three weeks. At one point we reminisced about the highs and lows of our journey together. I asked him if I was his "Bob" - remember that funny movie What About Bob? He laughed and said, "Yes, it's in the nature of the work to have patients like you from time to time." Mostly he is so proud of me and proud of himself - I know he is professionally gratified to have made such a difference. I hooted when he reminded me of our our first consultation when I dragged Madeleine in to see him and told him, "Fix my daughter!" And then, "This is what you need to do to fix my daughter!" as I proceeded to tell him how to do his job! Ouch! We talked about the "L" word. I think he is unusual in that he is totally comfortable with the concept of loving a patient - the trickiness of defining the loving feelings properly, maintaining solid boundaries while allowing himself to feel what he feels. What a wonderful job he has done with that - loving me, helping me, saying no to me, making sure he didn't bring his own longings into the therapeutic room, being constant and consistent so that I could thrash around and explore a full gamut of emotions. A rock that one.
And how serendipitous this blog can be. I should be mindful that lately if I write about a concept, within days it's put to the test! Remember the day after I wrote about not being overly attached to possessions, the theft? Yesterday I wrote about "one for all and all for one" families. I wrote about always being there for my kids. My eldest daughter is extremely independent, rarely asking anyone for help. Lately she is is struggling to make ends meet despite working 80+ hours/week. This morning an uncharacteristic call from her for help - somehow she felt like a failure having to ask her own mother for help! I rushed to her, took her to breakfast, listened and shared, gave motherly advice and helped her out of her financial predicament. I was so happy to be useful to her. I really adore my kids - they are such a source of joy to me these days.
And this morning as I sat with her, I shared my own struggles. I told her I was going to tell her something really weird, something counter-intuitive. I told her I was living the most amazing time of my life - that this last year has been the absolute worst and best of times. I told her I've never been happier or sadder. Each day brings me immeasurable joy and yet, each day, I further plumb the depths of despair and have a good cry over the loss of Patrick. Despite all my recent realizations that we weren't what the other one needed, I still miss him terribly and long for him. I wish it had worked out. So I have my cry and then I bounce into the day with enthusiasm and an unbridled love of life. I can finally say I wouldn't have traded his love for anything - it was life changing. What I wanted to convey to Catherine was that it's OK to struggle, OK to be sad, OK to need help - it doesn't mean your life is worthless. I shared Collete's quote with her "I had a wonderful life, I just wish I'd realized it sooner!" I told Catherine not to wish away these days, even if they're tough. They are the painting of her life. Some day she will brag to her kids about how poor she was and how she prevailed.
Yesterday, as I pulled up to the lakefront to do my 10,000 steps, I had a self critical moment. "I am a mess," I said to myself (remember I do that a lot these days - talk to myself). "Yes," I replied to myself "but you are less of a mess!" Loved that - "Less of a Mess!!" First off, it rhymes and who doesn't love a pithy rhyme? Second, what a wonderfully forgiving thing to say to oneself! Progress is so incremental! Good to be pleased with "less of a mess!" And then I envisioned my challenges as nuts in a bowl that were being satisfactorily cracked one at a time. And really aren't most nuts crackable no matter how tough the shells? Exercise, diet, good relationships with the girls, discipline at the office, eschewing hard liquor, having good boundaries - these are all the nuts that I'm working on cracking.
Spring - that rebirth time of year - it's confusing this year with the bizarrely warm weather. Are you confused like me? The harbingers of spring are here - saw my first crocus last week and my first robin a few days ago. But on the heels of that were daffodils (too soon!), magnolias blooming at the same time as the forsythia, houseflies in March, air conditioning, choruses of confused birds, grass that already needs mowing. Uneasy - it all feels like a rush. What happened to the slow unfolding of spring into summer!? Maybe it's fitting - mirrors my life these days. Tempus fugit, right? Life is going by way too fast, the years piling on, one after the other. I no longer gain acceptance for one stage and another is upon me. So this spring, why the hell not? Bring it all on! It's a magical realism life anyway, so if the cherry tree gives fruit at the same time as the rhubarb ripens, whatever! These days I wouldn't be surprised for us to have a blizzard followed by a heatwave, with squirrel babies being born and having their own babies in the same season and trees whose new shiny leaves turn to fall color in the same week. It's all wrong...it's upside down, it feels like doom but there's nothing to be done so I just bear witness and write and try to be OK.
This will be a canning year - I can feel it. I need another obsession and when I can, I get lost in the reverie of it - late night, even all nighters - a race against ripening, a race to get the fruit put to bed in little boiling water sealed jars. Hundreds and hundreds of jars, each looking like garnets, rubies or amethysts. It's punishing - the kitchen getting into the sweaty '90's, arms aching from the heavy kettles, feet and legs begging for a break. One year, I started canning peaches in the evening and at midnight sloshed boiling water on my chest. Three layers of clothing held the scalding water against my skin and by the time I had ripped off my clothes and jumped into a cold shower, the damage was already done. I waited a week before going to the doctor, only after I had lost half the skin from my chest and my family begged me to go. And what a pioneer woman I was! After the scalding, I returned to the kitchen to finish the peaches until 5AM! Time doesn't wait for peaches! I still bear faint scars from that day.
Tonight a date with Dave - he is funny on text. His name "NiceDave" worries me. I eat nice people on bad days. Hope he can hold his own. Your challenge today could be to picture your challenges as hard Brazil nuts in a bowl. Label them: home improvements, skin care, eating organic, job search. Taken individually, they are totally crackable. Then go look for your nutcracker and crack some nuts!
Peace,
Sarah
Picture is the peaches from that year - just a fraction of them - there were actually hundreds of jars.
No comments:
Post a Comment