So yesterday, she marched up to me as I sat in reverie and asked me to get the toy from Joey. I said, "No." She was stunned. I said, "We've had this discussion before. You know that he won't give it to me - he thinks it's a keep-away game. Please leave me alone and next time bring two toys." She then proceeded to pace up and down the beach with her friend within earshot and vilify me. Comments like, "Get your fat ass up and take control of your dog," reached my ears. I fumed. Reverie gone.
After 15 minutes or so, I tricked Joey into giving me her toy (offered him a replacement) and I marched up to the crone and her friend and had it out with them. I started calmly enough, reminding her of previous conversations, that the dog belongs to my daughter, the classes, etc. and then I escalated and, just to make her feel like a penny waiting for change, I said, "How dare you insult me? You don't know me, don't know what I'm going through. Anyone sensitive would see that I am very sad, sitting, looking out to the water. In fact my mother passed away last Monday!" (a lie - easier than telling her about the theft). Once I got started I didn't stop. I yelled at her, "It's a fucking toy for God's sake and he's a fucking dog! It's what dogs do! They're not people - you can't reason with them! He was abused. He has a brand on his back from being abused! It's a miracle he's here and doing so well! So you should really think twice before you call someone a fat ass! You don't know me - don't know what I'm going through. You two bitches need to be checked. How dare you! You're goddamn beach bullies and the next time you pull this shit, I won't be as nice as I am today. Stay the fuck away from me and my dog and if my dog steals your dog's toy too fucking bad! Get over it!" By the end I was shouting and almost foaming at the mouth like a rabid dog! I was that mad and it felt so good to just unload on someone. She SOOOO had it coming.
With that, the whole beach watched as I left. I swear Joey looked at me with pride in his eyes. When I told Elizabeth what had happened, she bemoaned that now we couldn't go back to the beach. "Are you serious?" I said. "On the contrary. I own that beach now. No one will fuck with us again!" Sarah =bad ass yesterday.
So, am I proud of myself for taking my fury out on a mostly defenseless 80 year old woman? No, I guess not. It's certainly not the pacifist way. Not the "3rd alternative" way of handling conflict. It was a Middle East solution - just destroy her (I think I threw the ball at her face but hit her in the chest). I'm reminded of the movie, Network. The line, "I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it any more!" Think I need to get Ryan to take me to the firing range again. Shooting a gun would really feel good about now.
When I am desperate for a solution I have reached out to Patrick and so it was after the theft. He is reliably there for me as a good friend. I really try not to abuse it. A desperate time. He helped a lot - he has a way of reaching me. His advice is the advice I need the most. Others are well-intentioned but I'm pretty sure if I follow a hard line approach it will be disastrous. Being a Marine, he preaches responsibility and accountability but surprisingly he is also extremely compassionate and insightful. Surprising because you wouldn't expect that from a big, burly Marine. The crisis is largely over so I don't need him anymore and I will put the lid back on communication. Grateful that he's in the world and in my corner and there when I need him. So, I thank him. I hope I can return the favor some day when he needs level headed, measured advice. I hope my advice is as good as his is.
Last night, I sang my heart out in Bucktown - it's what I needed - didn't matter who was listening. Today Aunt Jeanne arrives from Portland - my mother's sister. She is terrific and more a friend than an aunt. Can't wait to hang with her. She reads this blog, so "Hey Aunt Jeanne!" Tonight we'll attend an amazing concert at Katerina's - the 3 Ellas, a tribute to Ella Fitzgerald. It will be three dames: my friend Spider Saloff, the great Frieda Lee and the jaw droppingly good Dee Alexander. I saw this show a few months ago - at the end the audience jumped to their feet in appreciation - that good. Now I want to share it so I have my aunt and 8 others going tonight - table for ten.
Can you tell I'm trying to be OK? Some days we just have to put one foot in front of the other - stay the course. That is today. I've got 4,000 steps on the pedometer, I'm here at the office and will get shit done and tonight I will enjoy a fabulous show. Really I'm very lucky right? I have my health, I live in one of the greatest cities in the world, I love my girls, love my friends, it's spring. Good stuff. Today I will put Collette's quote on my computer to glance as I work. "What a wonderful life I've had! I only wish I'd realized it sooner!" Think I'll phrase it differently though, "What a wonderful life I'm having - don't wait until the end to realize it!" And I will remind myself of the commitments I made in my mission statement,
I pledge to live my life with integrity and honesty, to express my love for others with kind words and reliable deeds, to apply myself diligently and effectively in the work I choose, to treat people with fairness, patience and compassion (ooops not sure how that squares with the dog beach incident!), to care for myself physically, mentally, emotionally and financially, to try and live each day with passion and enthusiasm, rejoicing in the journey, being open and curious to new people and experinces, appreciating beauty, accepting sadness and loss, and creatively expressing my love of life.The challenge today is reminding yourself that you're having a wonderful life - find a moment to take stock and embrace it all - all of it - the yummy stuff, the crap, the worries, the fun, the beauty, the confusion and even to be amazed when angry lava erupts from your head and you find yourself in combat with someone who has crossed you. It's life.
Peace,
Sarah
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