Today, a venomous start. Woke, no Madeleine in her bed, no call telling me where she was. Sick and tired of being the fire in everyones' bellies - most days it's all I can do to keep promises to myself! Then panicked phone calls from Elizabeth. "Where is Madeleine? She is babysitting in my place today and she is supposed to be there by now!" Somehow I was dragged into the drama. Forced myself onto the elliptical only to be interrupted 15 minutes later by a bounding Joey and Elizabeth demanding a ride. So much for my needs. Grrrrrrrrrrrr....... After dropping her off, I drove home with malice in my heart toward everyone, blaming everyone for my rotten mood. Pissed off at the world. I even fantasized about running over rude bike riders who hogged the road in front of me. It was the only thing that elicited a smile - the thought of mowing them down. Elizabeth texted me an apology for interrupting my routine. My response, "Can't talk now. Feeling like killing someone."
Then I breathed. I drank coffee. I thought about my mission statement and knew I had to re-architect the day. Mostly I recognized that I was in distress and looking outside myself for a solution or someone to blame. "In, out, in out," I repeated to myself. "I can look without, or I can look within for an answer." The problem wasn't Madeleine. It wasn't Elizabeth. My anxiety had little to do with them. It was of my own making and if I made it, I could unmake it. So I did, beautifying my environment, eating a healthy breakfast, then going to the office and fixing my computer. At noon lunch with a business associate with a new opportunity. Good. The day is on the upswing. And what a day it is!!!! It's summer out there! After work, Joey and I will stroll the lakefront and I will put on my gratitude lens and thank nature for the gift of the day.
The blame game....we all do it right? Just yesterday, one of my favorite people was guilty of offsetting accountability for his lack of initiative. He had a bunch of excuses as to why he couldn't get momentum with a project, none of which held much water. This morning I started to feel angry feelings towards Patrick and blame him for a bunch of stuff: not loving me enough to stay, breaking my heart, leaving me, not recognizing my worth, not wanting me. It felt good to be angry with him and to blame him for my unhappiness. And maybe I DO need to be angry with him - maybe it's one of the grief stages that I have to go through. But maybe it's just dumb and counterproductive. He is the best of men and really there is no blame to be had. But how good it felt this morning to mutter, "Mother Fucker" in my venomous state.
Once you become attuned to it, you start hearing The Blame Game being played everywhere like a top 40 hit. It's insidious. What if we declared a holiday, a moratorium on blaming, on excuses? How about May 1st? May 1st=Blame Day. And how perfect if it rained and we slept too late and the first thing we did was blame the gloomy day for not getting out of bed! All day, we would catch ourselves in excuses, catch those around us in shirking responsibility for themselves. And we would call each other out - like a fun game. "Ha, ha....you just blamed your boss for your lousy attitude. Gotcha!" "Yeah, but you just blamed your lack of willpower for eating that oatmeal cookie, as if your willpower is separate from you! Gotcha" We could have a blast. Maybe we could even award a money prize to the person who netted the best score. Why do I think at the end of the day some of us would complain the game was rigged and blame me for making bad rules and for the fact that they didn't win???
Point of this goofy line of thinking is - just STOP. Now. Feel what you're feeling if you wake up with a hair across your ass, but don't look outside yourself for the cause. When things are crap, look in, not out. The solution is always within. As the mother fucker said, "We can't control other people but we can control our own reactions and deeds." He is right (and he's not really a MF).
Lunch was great - opportunity exciting, the salad was delicious and Tom was great company - so interesting, bold and positive. I think I would like him to be part of my inner circle - he is a person of high integrity and accountability. Why do I think he might win the blame game. Good role model.
Challenge today is to listen to all your words and catch yourself making excuses - any kind of excuse even if you didn't win Scrabble because you got all vowels. It might be true, but really if you had just been more energetically in tune with the universe, your fingers might have found the consonants as you reached into the bag of letters. Really it's your fault you didn't win - own it Kidding of course, but you get it, right? Stop blaming.
Peace,
Sarah
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