Promises, Promises/An Irrevocable Tear in the Fabric of Our Lives

Sarah=missing in action the last few days, right?  Friday I had a melt down day and it was just hard to get moving, mired in sadness and despair.  Do you have days like that?  I didn't work so I didn't come into the office, hence no blog, but I probably wasn't up to it anyway.  I didn't hit the elliptical in the morning so noon found me floundering with my new 10,000 step initiative, formulating excuse after excuse in my head.  I was wrong. Day#4 was the hardest. I almost cut myself slack but some new-found will finally kicked in and I got my ass going and took the longest walk, all the way to the lakefront from my house which was about 7,000 steps total (both ways).  When I got back, I was ecstatically proud for prevailing and keeping a commitment to myself - the rest of the day was fine.  Had a blast at Schaller's singing with Christ behind me on guitar, Bobby on keyboard and Pete on trumpet.  Pam was there and she is instant party. Dreamy Kenneth showed up and sang great. He's so easy on the eyes.  Even very hetero James said, when he saw him perform,  "for him I'd go gay".

Remainder of the weekend was fine.  Cleaning, voice lesson with Mark, cooked for a bunch of friends on Saturday night and on Sunday, a new act that Pam, Bobby and I are working on - a la Andrews Sisters.  Fun.  We went to Bobby's gorgeous condo on the Gold Coast and for Pam and I, the highlight was watching him play his huge theater organ which he had to climb up onto.  Three rows of keys and of course foot pedals and thousands of little stops for all kind of sounds.  The organ is very old but was overhauled to produce sound digitally.  Bobby had eight speakers hooked up to it. Amazing.

And then a funeral yesterday, my friend Alan's 98 year old father who died in Palm Springs - his body was flown back.  Steve, my ex, took care of him in for the last several months of his life - lived with him in Palm Springs.  The service was lovely and emotional for me, not because I was close to Milt.  I had never met him.  I cried to myself when the rabbi talked about how there had been an irrevocable tear in the fabric of their lives.  To demonstrate that, he ripped a ribbon on each of the mourner's lapels - it sounded like ripping velcro as he went from one to the other, ripping ribbons.

And I didn't mean to have selfish thoughts at that moment but I've been so sad and I wait and wait for my own heart to heal.   I'm doing everything right - no contact, living life fully, taking care of myself, keeping my heart wide open to the people I love, doing for others, waiting.  And yet.......I still mourn. The rabbi said it's something you just have to go through.  There is no running away from it, no short-cutting it, no running an obstacle course around it.  I'm reminded of the tests in the opera, The Magic Flute.  The protagonists even walk through fire to get to the other side.  Liza says, "More time". James says independently of her,  "Day by day, sweetie,"  I don't talk of him much these days but don't be fooled into thinking I'm over him.  "Not a day goes by."  When we broke up I wrote this.  My heart is still ripping.

Love binds.  Two hearts cleave to each other and start to beat as one, sympathetic beats in time.  Two bodies, move as one, in time.  Two breaths are shared, his out, hers in.  Limbs entwine, where his end, hers begin, physical boundaries dissolve.
 And when it ends, the hearts and bodies are cleaved in the opposite way, as with a butcher knife.  Two hearts, ripped from each other, two breaths independent once more.  Limbs unravel.  Separation.  The hearts and bodies mourn their other.

But spring...good, right?  Ah.....it heals and revitalizes.  I embrace it fully.   So, the 10,000 steps thing - progress report.  I'm on Day#8 with perfect compliance.  Each day I strap on my pedometer and pace myself during the day so that by day's end, I meet or top 10K steps.   Days 3-5 were make or break days - as I said before I almost gave up - sheer will prevented me.  By Day# 6, dare I say, I actually started enjoying it?   Yesterday after the funeral, a huge walk ahead of me to meet my goal so I walked 4+ miles along the lakefront and it was fabulous.  Yeah, my knee still hurts but surprisingly less and less.  There's truth to the "motion is lotion" adage.  The more you move the less you hurt.  Takes time though.

So many things are good these days.  I continue to live the 7 habits, working through the companion workbook.  Between that book and other reading I've done, plus my own iron will when I summon it, I'm making important structural changes and they're holding:  better relationships, taking good care of myself (diet, exercise, no vodka), keeping to a good work schedule, doing what I need to free my heart - all good.

Your challenge today could be to evaluate your self care.  Make a list of the things you wish to be different, i.e. eating less processed foods, taking vitamins, meditation time, exercise.   Can you take just one thing on? Take a big gulp and make a solemn promise to yourself to see one thing through the first tough week?  On the dating site I've been on, one of the questions is "Do you keep your promises?"  Invariably, everyone answers, "yes".  Yet, I suspect if the question was reworded with the addition of two additional words, the answer would be, "no".  "Do you keep your promises to yourself?"  They are, of course, the most important promises we make.

Peace,
Sarah